Today I am five years old. Well, in Gimmee' years I am five. I can still remember the night that my #3 visited to share the most amazing news. And from that moment some of the focus of my life took on a new direction. I was told I was going to be a grandmother.
I have never been nominated for mom of the year, in any of my years as a mom. I took on my role as mom as serious as any mom could. But I think my kids would have enjoyed kid-hood a little better if I hadn't struggled so hard to get it all right. I am not really saying I was a horrible mom, but I definitely was not the favorite parent. I don't get to share great stories with them, or even not ever feel like I could have done so much better. I have however forgiven myself for not knowing how to do it better. I have some great memories and mom moments when I am sure I shined bright in my accomplishment, but the moments were fleeting. I can even remember one moment when my quick decisions and forceful nature most surely saved one of my kids life...but still no one really gives a mom the hero of the year award when she just does her job.
If you say I just did my job, well that would be enough. They are good people, two are great moms, and the others work on the uncle/aunt thing pretty amazingly. I got them to the brinks of adulthood, safe and with only one broken bone, a few stitches and minor glitches along the way amongst the five of them. I took more of a hands off approach in their later years, because I felt like it was the thing to do. There have been moments when I had to pat myself on the back when I saw their greatness and it made me think of a lesson, moment or even glimpse of the mom that I was for them.
But this Gimmee' gig is a pretty cool bi-product of stretch marks, morning sickness and all too serious mom syndrome. These two little girls came to my world when I needed them most. Their unconditional love and spectacular way of loving me, just for being me have made all the bad stuff of a sideways marriage and divorce seem almost worth it. The fun we have is timeless. They never seem to outgrow the fun we can whip up while cooking, coloring or just watching movies. They have given my napping chair a new life and have created art out of the most simple activities.
It was only a short time before news of number two being on the way and I realized my life would not only change, but it would be doubly bettered by these little humans coming to grace our lives.
I carefully selected an original grandmother name. Talked way too often about sonograms and pink stuff and how I would not even care now if my hair went to its all too natural gray. I am sure I wore every one I know out with all the baby talk and other stuff I kept on my facebook wall.
It really hasn't slowed down. I am still head over heels in love with Gimmee's girls. They are a bright spot in a very difficult life. I take every opportunity to spend time with them, even if have to steal the moments. I take mental snapshots of our days together, have even worked some regular appointments so they do not grow an inch without me being able to notice it.
I am in love with my 5 year Gimmee' life...
Happy 5th Birthday Payton --- you are a joy in my life!
I c
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
What are you looking for?
What are you looking for in your life? Do you want a new car? Is it a fitness program that is going to be the answer? Remodeling your kitchen? Each time you change a something to try and fix a feeling you are only busying yourself, when what you should do is quiet your mind and find you. The real you--the one that lives and wait for you to stop looking for other things, people or situations to declare you are finally happy.
If you have been seeking for awhile...and the last boyfriend wasn't it, the 16th new job didn't get it done, or the 3rd new town still found you feeling that icky a few months down the road, you are NOT going to find it in a purchase, relationship or geographical fix. You must find you so you can find your happy.
Do you think people who live in abject poverty don't laugh, smile or feel joy? You would be completely wrong. Real happiness cannot be found, purchased or fallen in love with. It is always available for you to choose.
If you have been seeking for awhile...and the last boyfriend wasn't it, the 16th new job didn't get it done, or the 3rd new town still found you feeling that icky a few months down the road, you are NOT going to find it in a purchase, relationship or geographical fix. You must find you so you can find your happy.
Do you think people who live in abject poverty don't laugh, smile or feel joy? You would be completely wrong. Real happiness cannot be found, purchased or fallen in love with. It is always available for you to choose.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Do the dance.....as they will---
Leave others to do---as they will.
We cannot control others, nor in my belief should we try. It is emotionally devastating to have someone withhold their love, words or other important human contact because they are angry. This lame attempt is the equivalent of a two year old tantrum to get their own way. Now this last comment does come with and addendum….---if you are busy creating havoc, intentional drama or otherwise having thoughts of “I will do this because it will hurt #theoneswelove”, then their stepping back cannot be considered your punishment but instead their right to have distance from the pain.
I am referring to the other dance. The I don't want you to go out with your friends cha cha, or the I want to change you tango. This little human dance that we do call the relationship waltz can be ever so tricky to master. Do I start with the “Im right so it’s right two step” or “Left on my own all bets are off boogie”.
By the way I never have really been a good dancer. In my relationship past I was a soft shoe. Always trying the egg shell shuffle to keep the peace, but wait, how the heck did we land in the metaphor dance class?
Well, it’s because as I stated before, this relationship thing is tricky. So I can either continue with all the tapping around the issue or get right down to the nitty gritty.
They hurt me…they trod in with their judgment and words and silence all at the same time and instantly I am overwhelmed and feeling the damage of the last 50 years. But let’s be real honest, that’s not really their fault or their problem. We each come to this dance class with two left feet at times, and there is not a lot else we can say or do. We get to choose which dance is for us and which is too complicated or fast, or slow or whatever.
I think too at some point we might just be thinking about it all too much. How hurt we have been, how fast we want to go, who might like us or more important, how could anyone like us?
Sometimes I would like to go back to the child like wonder of each new face was a potential new best friend. When seeing a new kid through the fence had the possibilities of being a relationship of a lifetime or over in 5minutes and either way it was all still just ok.
How did we get sucked into the “requirements” for a quality relationship trap? Every human interaction has value. Each time we get a wonderful hug or even an angry bird , the moments are there to teach us something. At the very least to show us a bit of ourselves and to like what is reflected in our actions or to grimace and ask—what the hell was that all about?
The truth as I see it is this. We are all trying to learn the dance. We all want to find some dance partners that will want to stay around and be the familiar routine on the floor we can get practiced up and keep doing. We seem to crave a history, story or drama to go along with each person we invite to stay, because we only think of this life as having value if it has more ticks.
What about those who only have the chance to share a breathe, a smile or a finger? Did that mean they meant more or less? I don’t think so. I am beginning to believe that what we really are working towards is a working relationship with ourselves. What we most want to find is a way to know that if we have to dance alone that it will still be worth putting on the shoes and the dress. We want to feel as though the words, smiles and yes even the fingers mattered if only to give the other person a piece of our history.
I also think that we are living in too big of a world to ever be successful at ruling out each toe stomper that comes along. And if we get even more real, when we start eliminating people because of this trait or that hang up, we will soon find not many people are left. We will find not only are we getting those drama seekers, hate mongers and sad sacks some distance, but we will also be removing ourselves from the opportunity of learning. Learning who we want to be. Seeking to find ways to grow past all those things that we don’t like in others are more times than not a part of who we are.
The gist of it is this…if something is rubbing us, it is showing up so we can grow past it. So we can go back and look for the shoes that don’t give us a blister, but we can still wear those that might not fit completely right, but look dang good on the dance floor.
If you find something is always setting you off, you are feeling the friction of people who are showing up, it’s not because you deserve to be rubbed the wrong way or the right way, it means you are still in the school of life. You are not meant to eliminate the other imperfect humans, nor are you to seek to make yourself perfect as if that will propel you into another more perfect race. This race is all there is…and the trick is to find a way to love yourself perfectly, as well as accept the imperfectness of others. When you begin to grow past those things that used to set you off into a in your own head conversation about they drama—d this and passive aggressived that, you are learning that you can control your own experience. You control not what happens to you, but what you do in response to it. What I believe we should be learning to do is communicate what we want and accepting that we can't always get what we want. But even more important is to realize that this superficial dance to win at everything really takes up a lot more time than necessary.
I am really trying to think of it more of an educational journey. The key to graduating to the next thing is to get all the lessons mastered so they don’t keep showing up. When I figured out the whole “Icreate my own reality thing” and took responsibility for all of it, I graduated to “purposeful creation”. When I began to get a passing grade in the relationship tango, I had to flunk a few humans so I could understand that working the problems meant stepping on the floor and some toes.
I am not quite sure which grade level I am in today…but I am pretty close to believing that many of the “follow the leader” levels are behind me. It really feels more like I might be moving into collegiate levels---but may need some remedial work in say…math. The whole one plus one equals H+H17 equation gets me every time.
The meaning of life is to live it. To love with all you have, even when it takes all you are to do it. It means to find those moments that make you smile, and smile in spite of the ones that make you cry. It is to become so complete within yourself that each human that you meet gets something from you even if they are sure that your interaction was to short to matter. What a matter is that we show up to dance, even if we step on all the toes or our toes are black and blue from the trying.
In the end of our days it will not matter how well we grammered our sentences, how neat our houses were or even how many people we did or did not have on our friends list. What matters will be the what we think matters.
But let me give you a few tango lessons, anytime you are worried more about someone elses dance than your own, you are never going to get the right steps. Every time you follow all the leaders you are forgetting to lead with your heart. At any time you are sure you have figured out all the moves, someone is going to change the music and the steps will no longer fit.
If you got up today and you were sure of everything you believe, that I am pretty sure you are wrong about it all. If you showed up today to dance and everyone else was swimming, I think you should jump in with your dress and shoes still on. If you ask me what I know for sure—I will tell you this…nothing. I know only that when this life is over, and I will have watched all those I loved and many I just encountered pass through my moments, then and only then will I get to know for sure. At that moment of transition I believe many people are going to say—well I’ll be…that was so not what I thought was for sure. If you can get up each day and think of the moments in front of you as a journey to the neighbors fence, to see if there are any new kids to be friends with and know that you really don’t know anything but go to it all with love, then you will be able to know…as they will.
Question every thing---
Love everyone—even if you have to struggle to do it
Hang on to nothing—because in the end your hand will be empty anyway
Treasure the gifts, but give more than you get
Or not…either way you go, it won’t be wrong, and you will get the answers you seek anyway.
Dance, don’t dance, sing, don’t sing…but know…each of those you see will do---as they will.
We cannot control others, nor in my belief should we try. It is emotionally devastating to have someone withhold their love, words or other important human contact because they are angry. This lame attempt is the equivalent of a two year old tantrum to get their own way. Now this last comment does come with and addendum….---if you are busy creating havoc, intentional drama or otherwise having thoughts of “I will do this because it will hurt #theoneswelove”, then their stepping back cannot be considered your punishment but instead their right to have distance from the pain.
I am referring to the other dance. The I don't want you to go out with your friends cha cha, or the I want to change you tango. This little human dance that we do call the relationship waltz can be ever so tricky to master. Do I start with the “Im right so it’s right two step” or “Left on my own all bets are off boogie”.
By the way I never have really been a good dancer. In my relationship past I was a soft shoe. Always trying the egg shell shuffle to keep the peace, but wait, how the heck did we land in the metaphor dance class?
Well, it’s because as I stated before, this relationship thing is tricky. So I can either continue with all the tapping around the issue or get right down to the nitty gritty.
They hurt me…they trod in with their judgment and words and silence all at the same time and instantly I am overwhelmed and feeling the damage of the last 50 years. But let’s be real honest, that’s not really their fault or their problem. We each come to this dance class with two left feet at times, and there is not a lot else we can say or do. We get to choose which dance is for us and which is too complicated or fast, or slow or whatever.
I think too at some point we might just be thinking about it all too much. How hurt we have been, how fast we want to go, who might like us or more important, how could anyone like us?
Sometimes I would like to go back to the child like wonder of each new face was a potential new best friend. When seeing a new kid through the fence had the possibilities of being a relationship of a lifetime or over in 5minutes and either way it was all still just ok.
How did we get sucked into the “requirements” for a quality relationship trap? Every human interaction has value. Each time we get a wonderful hug or even an angry bird , the moments are there to teach us something. At the very least to show us a bit of ourselves and to like what is reflected in our actions or to grimace and ask—what the hell was that all about?
The truth as I see it is this. We are all trying to learn the dance. We all want to find some dance partners that will want to stay around and be the familiar routine on the floor we can get practiced up and keep doing. We seem to crave a history, story or drama to go along with each person we invite to stay, because we only think of this life as having value if it has more ticks.
What about those who only have the chance to share a breathe, a smile or a finger? Did that mean they meant more or less? I don’t think so. I am beginning to believe that what we really are working towards is a working relationship with ourselves. What we most want to find is a way to know that if we have to dance alone that it will still be worth putting on the shoes and the dress. We want to feel as though the words, smiles and yes even the fingers mattered if only to give the other person a piece of our history.
I also think that we are living in too big of a world to ever be successful at ruling out each toe stomper that comes along. And if we get even more real, when we start eliminating people because of this trait or that hang up, we will soon find not many people are left. We will find not only are we getting those drama seekers, hate mongers and sad sacks some distance, but we will also be removing ourselves from the opportunity of learning. Learning who we want to be. Seeking to find ways to grow past all those things that we don’t like in others are more times than not a part of who we are.
The gist of it is this…if something is rubbing us, it is showing up so we can grow past it. So we can go back and look for the shoes that don’t give us a blister, but we can still wear those that might not fit completely right, but look dang good on the dance floor.
If you find something is always setting you off, you are feeling the friction of people who are showing up, it’s not because you deserve to be rubbed the wrong way or the right way, it means you are still in the school of life. You are not meant to eliminate the other imperfect humans, nor are you to seek to make yourself perfect as if that will propel you into another more perfect race. This race is all there is…and the trick is to find a way to love yourself perfectly, as well as accept the imperfectness of others. When you begin to grow past those things that used to set you off into a in your own head conversation about they drama—d this and passive aggressived that, you are learning that you can control your own experience. You control not what happens to you, but what you do in response to it. What I believe we should be learning to do is communicate what we want and accepting that we can't always get what we want. But even more important is to realize that this superficial dance to win at everything really takes up a lot more time than necessary.
I am really trying to think of it more of an educational journey. The key to graduating to the next thing is to get all the lessons mastered so they don’t keep showing up. When I figured out the whole “Icreate my own reality thing” and took responsibility for all of it, I graduated to “purposeful creation”. When I began to get a passing grade in the relationship tango, I had to flunk a few humans so I could understand that working the problems meant stepping on the floor and some toes.
I am not quite sure which grade level I am in today…but I am pretty close to believing that many of the “follow the leader” levels are behind me. It really feels more like I might be moving into collegiate levels---but may need some remedial work in say…math. The whole one plus one equals H+H17 equation gets me every time.
The meaning of life is to live it. To love with all you have, even when it takes all you are to do it. It means to find those moments that make you smile, and smile in spite of the ones that make you cry. It is to become so complete within yourself that each human that you meet gets something from you even if they are sure that your interaction was to short to matter. What a matter is that we show up to dance, even if we step on all the toes or our toes are black and blue from the trying.
In the end of our days it will not matter how well we grammered our sentences, how neat our houses were or even how many people we did or did not have on our friends list. What matters will be the what we think matters.
But let me give you a few tango lessons, anytime you are worried more about someone elses dance than your own, you are never going to get the right steps. Every time you follow all the leaders you are forgetting to lead with your heart. At any time you are sure you have figured out all the moves, someone is going to change the music and the steps will no longer fit.
If you got up today and you were sure of everything you believe, that I am pretty sure you are wrong about it all. If you showed up today to dance and everyone else was swimming, I think you should jump in with your dress and shoes still on. If you ask me what I know for sure—I will tell you this…nothing. I know only that when this life is over, and I will have watched all those I loved and many I just encountered pass through my moments, then and only then will I get to know for sure. At that moment of transition I believe many people are going to say—well I’ll be…that was so not what I thought was for sure. If you can get up each day and think of the moments in front of you as a journey to the neighbors fence, to see if there are any new kids to be friends with and know that you really don’t know anything but go to it all with love, then you will be able to know…as they will.
Question every thing---
Love everyone—even if you have to struggle to do it
Hang on to nothing—because in the end your hand will be empty anyway
Treasure the gifts, but give more than you get
Or not…either way you go, it won’t be wrong, and you will get the answers you seek anyway.
Dance, don’t dance, sing, don’t sing…but know…each of those you see will do---as they will.
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