Well I so love it when there is great news to share, I have been working towards getting a home, not just an apartment or sharing a place, but a home of my own. Actually since before the divorce. You see with the ex there was never any measure of knowing that we were ever home. Job after job, move after move, change after change--we were always up in the air, never settled or even any time that we could let our guard down. Now that I no longer am on the hamster wheel of that former life, I have been making decisions that are based on whats best for me and mine...for several years. And have yet to have something happen that has even come close to being a tragedy, very few storms at all other than the regular Texas weather. I love that.
I also had thought I wanted to have a room mate several months ago, but that was not to be and I can honestly tell you I am grateful...because I know more than I did then.
But I have strayed off topic just a bit. So I have friends...LOTS of amazing wonderful supportive friends...and I am always taken aback by their generosity, kindness and love that they show me. And for the most part I have done a great job at choosing who will share in this life. But every now and then there is this change, this shift in the relationship that makes me sad and want to take a step back.
A few months ago it was with another friend who seemed bent on making sure that she had some editing control on who my friends were. She had grudges after all and those she felt hard towards were never supposed to be in my friends list. But I just want to go on the record, my friends are to be chosen by me. The selection is always open for adding or taking away based on how you behave in my reality.
When the former friend began to make comments like "You have slipped over to the dark side" or "why are you having lunch with the enemy?" I knew it was time to set the boundary in her direction. While she was right that the person I had been trying to rebuild a relationship with had made serious violations in the past, she was trying to redeem herself and I was willing to give her the chance, because we worked together. This did not sit well and the verbal confronts began. I also learned that a mutual friend was reporting back to her that a I was playing with the enemy. Let me just say this, I dont believe we have enemies, that everyone deserves a chance to repair a damaged relationship, as long as it is clear that is their intention. And let me add this, the presumed offenses were not really real to begin with. I had only had lunch in the same location, not made an effort to socialize, but when someone is making it an issue, why bother fighting it. Its just time to step back and keep the distance and the sanity.
So back to present day...I got a house, or at least a lease agreement to purchase one when all the legal issues are handled in a few months, either way its my rental/lease home until then. YIPPPEEEEEE!
I decide to let everyone know on facebook...ok its a little silly but it seems to be my communication tool of choice lately and so post I do...my excited status first with picture to follow. Its all good, and the congrats start, wonderful comments and likes on both posts. My friends...my true and real friends are happy for me!! Feels good to hear their cheers. Then it starts---one friend begins this post thread that totally messes with my happiness bubble. She posts " Congrats and im so glad i found out about your new place on facebook." Wow really? Ummm that doesnt feel good. So I reply "Lol!! Easiest way to tell everybody at the same time!!" Next from her...."I get it, now im just everyone to you.:((( "
so I just add " Ouch!" and her next post is "I guess ill see it the say day everyone else goes to see it. :'(" and so I add " Ouch ouch"
Really?? I share with everyone the biggest news for me in quiet some time and all you can say is the above? REALLY????????
I am not only hurt by this back and forth, I am a bit surprised. You see when I was originally looking to get out of the apartment--this friend and I had talked about sharing a house...and well she decided she didnt want to room with me, and put up with my kids and all the coming and going that that would mean. Ok...she said she enjoyed having a clean, quiet and private home to herself. I am not offended, everyone has a right to live however they choose. Then a few months ago, when she thought the room mates she did end up having live with her, were about to leave her high and dry...she wanted me to move in. UMMM no, Im pretty sure I was ok with the arrangement I had with my daughter. She seemed a bit miffed, but hey it was your decision months ago...now its mine so Im good. Then I find out a few weeks ago she is moving more people into her house...well, Im just gonns stop there, because the story just gets crazier.
This blog is about her replies and posts to me that are all about her---and nothing to do with me an what should be a happy moment for me. Just to set the record straight, after she stood me up for a movie date a few weeks ago to pretend she had something else to do with someone else( I already knew about the real date for the event) I decided that she had moved on and I am ok with that. I dont have to be the priority in anyones life, but when it is more than evident that I am only worthy of a lame excuse/lie...it changes how I feel about you and our relationship.
I understand that ebb and flow of love whether it is platonic or romantic. I get that relationships change, but I dont hate it less because of that. I am constant in my beliefs and behaviors. I am honest to a fault and real no matter where I happen to be. I am happy 97% of the time and not really unhappy the other 3%-just loving living in the contrast. But this shift, this rude, self centered and belittling behavior angers me...if only for a moment. I am moving past it with my blog~erapy, but she has changed our dynamic...drastically. I wont invest much more of my heart until the understanding of where we stand is addressed. But for the moment I am moving a wall of understanding in her direction...if only so that I can see her for who she is at this moment. Someone who is behaving in spite and with a mean spirit. And in case anyone has forgotten...the phone, texts, emails and messages go both ways.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
A great quote with only a minor change....
"To love without condition, To talk without intention, To give without reason, And to care without expectation... this is the heart of a true friend."
A friend posted the Status Shuffle quote listed above, and while for the most part it is one of those great posts that gets my writing juices going, there would only be one tweak that I would add...we shall discuss that later.
First to love without condition...is the ultimate test of love. Being able to not grow hatred or anger towards someone who deserves that and more is a tough hurdle to clear. We are programed it seems from early in life to be angry and to get even. I often hear some say "he's gonna get what he deserves" or " I'll show her what for". But these declarations of tit for tat, or way beneath real love. The best description of love that I have ever found comes from my favorite book in the bible 1 Corinthians---13:4-8;
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
If we are practicing the art of love in any other manner, it is my opinion that we are falling way short. Love does not mean that we posses another, or in some way are responsible for their happiness, or that we have control of their life or actions. If we chose, and I believe it is a choice, to really love someone and we strive to do it well, that means that we love no matter where the loved goes, regardless of behavior (good or bad) or even if they chose not to love us in return. For many years the word love has had a connotation of ownership with it...that because of our feeling of affection, the other must return that or we are some how devastated. But that is not love---just look at the definition again. I know that for me, when I learnmed to remove the restrictions of my preconceived notion of a loving relationship and got a better understanding of what my loving others really meant, I began to let go of much of the drama and fears that had been so much of the first half of my life. It also allows me to give ownership to all those things that I can't control to those who should own it. If someone is treating me badly, it is not a reflection of me, it is their inability to honor the relationship that we created together. It also means most times that it is time to step back and let the other step on the other side of that boundary that protects my life and peace. Doesnt mean I stop loving them, or that I need to grab and pull them closer (shich rarely ever works anyway), it means that I love you and send you on your way with that intact and without conditions.
To talk without intention...this is the part where I might edit for my preference, simply because I always have my intention in what I speak. To tell the truth no matter what that means, but I think where this quote is going it is talking about those who speak with the goal to sway others. To change minds and move others to do things that were not of their first inclination. I intend many things, but never to be dishonest with my words, or to pretend to change how you think or feel about me or others. I know too that when I am speaking my intention is very clear, no matter the words are my own...with there only being bits and pieces of a shuffle that get me started.
To give without reason...this is an easy one...I give to you because I choose to. I do not seek repayment or a favor in its place or return of any kind. I give with only the expression of generosity...and because I can and I want to. That'a all Im gonna say about that!
And to care without expectation...while it is always my hope when I meet someone new that we will share fun, and laughs and enjoy the experience, it is not a requirement for me to care. I often think about those who have been open enough to share their troubles with me and while it is always wonderful to have others care about me too, it is not my expectation. In fact often when someone does show the most precious and caring gesture, I am surprised and humbled...mostly because it has not always been the most common occurance. I have found that as I have worked to rebuild the ruins of my previous life, most of those who have come to play and stay are of a character and ethic not unlike my own. Their ffrequent and tender gestures of kindness and caring have made it easier to love my life.
I love this quote and I love most that it is a description of the life I strive for, the kind of friend I hope to always be. I know that happiness is a choice as is most of the other emotional gestures in life. I hope that I get better and better and all of the above!
.
A friend posted the Status Shuffle quote listed above, and while for the most part it is one of those great posts that gets my writing juices going, there would only be one tweak that I would add...we shall discuss that later.
First to love without condition...is the ultimate test of love. Being able to not grow hatred or anger towards someone who deserves that and more is a tough hurdle to clear. We are programed it seems from early in life to be angry and to get even. I often hear some say "he's gonna get what he deserves" or " I'll show her what for". But these declarations of tit for tat, or way beneath real love. The best description of love that I have ever found comes from my favorite book in the bible 1 Corinthians---13:4-8;
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
If we are practicing the art of love in any other manner, it is my opinion that we are falling way short. Love does not mean that we posses another, or in some way are responsible for their happiness, or that we have control of their life or actions. If we chose, and I believe it is a choice, to really love someone and we strive to do it well, that means that we love no matter where the loved goes, regardless of behavior (good or bad) or even if they chose not to love us in return. For many years the word love has had a connotation of ownership with it...that because of our feeling of affection, the other must return that or we are some how devastated. But that is not love---just look at the definition again. I know that for me, when I learnmed to remove the restrictions of my preconceived notion of a loving relationship and got a better understanding of what my loving others really meant, I began to let go of much of the drama and fears that had been so much of the first half of my life. It also allows me to give ownership to all those things that I can't control to those who should own it. If someone is treating me badly, it is not a reflection of me, it is their inability to honor the relationship that we created together. It also means most times that it is time to step back and let the other step on the other side of that boundary that protects my life and peace. Doesnt mean I stop loving them, or that I need to grab and pull them closer (shich rarely ever works anyway), it means that I love you and send you on your way with that intact and without conditions.
To talk without intention...this is the part where I might edit for my preference, simply because I always have my intention in what I speak. To tell the truth no matter what that means, but I think where this quote is going it is talking about those who speak with the goal to sway others. To change minds and move others to do things that were not of their first inclination. I intend many things, but never to be dishonest with my words, or to pretend to change how you think or feel about me or others. I know too that when I am speaking my intention is very clear, no matter the words are my own...with there only being bits and pieces of a shuffle that get me started.
To give without reason...this is an easy one...I give to you because I choose to. I do not seek repayment or a favor in its place or return of any kind. I give with only the expression of generosity...and because I can and I want to. That'a all Im gonna say about that!
And to care without expectation...while it is always my hope when I meet someone new that we will share fun, and laughs and enjoy the experience, it is not a requirement for me to care. I often think about those who have been open enough to share their troubles with me and while it is always wonderful to have others care about me too, it is not my expectation. In fact often when someone does show the most precious and caring gesture, I am surprised and humbled...mostly because it has not always been the most common occurance. I have found that as I have worked to rebuild the ruins of my previous life, most of those who have come to play and stay are of a character and ethic not unlike my own. Their ffrequent and tender gestures of kindness and caring have made it easier to love my life.
I love this quote and I love most that it is a description of the life I strive for, the kind of friend I hope to always be. I know that happiness is a choice as is most of the other emotional gestures in life. I hope that I get better and better and all of the above!
.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I can't make you love me, if you don't
I often wonder why some folks come and go out of our lives. I can't really recall ever doing something so hurtful that someone would walk away, but go they often do. I struggle sometimes with the exit, but then I remember that when I truely love someone I must always love them unselfishly and allow their pursuit of their path, without drama or angst from me.
This is often easier said than done, because its often painful to be the one left behind. I know that I still hold them in my heart and the love is as strong as ever. But the changes in their behavior and preference for being with me has deminished and away they go. It almost always seems to revolve around some emotion like jealousy or a misunderstanding or even they are angry for one reason or another. But it has been my experience that usually its because I don't feel the need to give them what they are needing from me. In the past relationships were about making others happy, so that I wouldn't be alone. I was so terrified of being alone that I lived in fear of it, and therefore it happened over and over again. But once I conquered that harsh reality and learned that being alone is not has horrible as I had feared, I began to understand that not being everything to everyone was ok. I could say yes or no whenever it suited me, and no matter the outcome, I could make the best decision for me. If one chooses to remove their friendship because I didnt fulfil a quota or requirement, I am not sure that was the right relationship for me anyway.
I try not to remain sad, but to work towards understanding that life is all about change, even if that means that I will no longer have someone I care about in my life daily. This transistion always is difficult to navigate when the calls stop and the texts are few and far between. In the old me life, I would have cried and ached for the part that was missing. I would have had weeks of feeling abandoned and less than worthy of the person who is now gone. And while those are all valid feelings, they have to be temporary. I can never again allow myself to find the depths of sadness that would take away my smile and my spunk for this life.
Do I miss them? Yes, but I refuse to get into the if you loved me game. I will not guilt someone into being in my life. I refuse to allow myself an extended visit into I hate me town. I know that I am far from perfect, but I realize too that those I care about are living out many of the same imperfections. I still manage to hold them in my heart. I understand that loving others is a choice, and whether or not they return the feeling is inconsequential. I chose the loves of my life, the objects of my affection and I chose carefully. I don't limit it because of behaviors or even if they are showing that they love me. The choice to place them in my heart is mine and I accept all the pain that may or may not come along with that decision.
I understand too, that just because I love someone does not mean they are allowed to behave in ways that would damage my heart or my spirit. I can set a boundary with or without notice to protect my heart, but I never chose to stop caring. I have seen person after person who has walked away from me for one reason or another come back into my life. And I accept them with open arms, and a willing heart. I know that each soul in this life has value to me and to others and I appreciate whatever lessons and love they bring into my reality. I also know that the pain of losing others is real, but just as I decide to love openly and without reservation, the pain is mine to handle as well. I am getting pretty good at it actually. Being the receiver of less than perfect love on many occassions has taught me much, but has little to do with how much I love in return.
The hardest of these to understand and learn was tough love. This act of loving those who are desctructive and vindictive is a careful walk on the thinest of tightropes. While I want to be the loving person I believe myself to be, I also have to understand that being someones punching bag not only doesn't prove I love them, it also can be pretty devastating to the emotional state of the one practicing love. Tough love is setting a boundary that limits access of the one who is misfiring their emotional turmoil on an unwilling victim. Being available for support and sending love to those offenders is a lesson hard learned, but has been life affirming also.
I see many who are posting about feeling lonely, and while I can grasp the memory of this sadness, I have learned the most important love lesson...I must first learn to love myself before others can come and love me too. I also know that once I learned to appreciate the person that is me, I no longer experience the lonliness that used to consume me for days, weeks or even longer. I love my life, I practice loving others, even when they are working on being unlovable, and I accept the emotions that come and then let them go, choosing to find actions or opportunities to experience all that this life has to offer. Will I miss you if you go away? Sure...but I won't stop loving you. And I will be ready to
show you that love should you come back to visit or even stay. But I can't make you love me in return, and I am not sure I would do it even if I could. I just love ya--MORE!
This is often easier said than done, because its often painful to be the one left behind. I know that I still hold them in my heart and the love is as strong as ever. But the changes in their behavior and preference for being with me has deminished and away they go. It almost always seems to revolve around some emotion like jealousy or a misunderstanding or even they are angry for one reason or another. But it has been my experience that usually its because I don't feel the need to give them what they are needing from me. In the past relationships were about making others happy, so that I wouldn't be alone. I was so terrified of being alone that I lived in fear of it, and therefore it happened over and over again. But once I conquered that harsh reality and learned that being alone is not has horrible as I had feared, I began to understand that not being everything to everyone was ok. I could say yes or no whenever it suited me, and no matter the outcome, I could make the best decision for me. If one chooses to remove their friendship because I didnt fulfil a quota or requirement, I am not sure that was the right relationship for me anyway.
I try not to remain sad, but to work towards understanding that life is all about change, even if that means that I will no longer have someone I care about in my life daily. This transistion always is difficult to navigate when the calls stop and the texts are few and far between. In the old me life, I would have cried and ached for the part that was missing. I would have had weeks of feeling abandoned and less than worthy of the person who is now gone. And while those are all valid feelings, they have to be temporary. I can never again allow myself to find the depths of sadness that would take away my smile and my spunk for this life.
Do I miss them? Yes, but I refuse to get into the if you loved me game. I will not guilt someone into being in my life. I refuse to allow myself an extended visit into I hate me town. I know that I am far from perfect, but I realize too that those I care about are living out many of the same imperfections. I still manage to hold them in my heart. I understand that loving others is a choice, and whether or not they return the feeling is inconsequential. I chose the loves of my life, the objects of my affection and I chose carefully. I don't limit it because of behaviors or even if they are showing that they love me. The choice to place them in my heart is mine and I accept all the pain that may or may not come along with that decision.
I understand too, that just because I love someone does not mean they are allowed to behave in ways that would damage my heart or my spirit. I can set a boundary with or without notice to protect my heart, but I never chose to stop caring. I have seen person after person who has walked away from me for one reason or another come back into my life. And I accept them with open arms, and a willing heart. I know that each soul in this life has value to me and to others and I appreciate whatever lessons and love they bring into my reality. I also know that the pain of losing others is real, but just as I decide to love openly and without reservation, the pain is mine to handle as well. I am getting pretty good at it actually. Being the receiver of less than perfect love on many occassions has taught me much, but has little to do with how much I love in return.
The hardest of these to understand and learn was tough love. This act of loving those who are desctructive and vindictive is a careful walk on the thinest of tightropes. While I want to be the loving person I believe myself to be, I also have to understand that being someones punching bag not only doesn't prove I love them, it also can be pretty devastating to the emotional state of the one practicing love. Tough love is setting a boundary that limits access of the one who is misfiring their emotional turmoil on an unwilling victim. Being available for support and sending love to those offenders is a lesson hard learned, but has been life affirming also.
I see many who are posting about feeling lonely, and while I can grasp the memory of this sadness, I have learned the most important love lesson...I must first learn to love myself before others can come and love me too. I also know that once I learned to appreciate the person that is me, I no longer experience the lonliness that used to consume me for days, weeks or even longer. I love my life, I practice loving others, even when they are working on being unlovable, and I accept the emotions that come and then let them go, choosing to find actions or opportunities to experience all that this life has to offer. Will I miss you if you go away? Sure...but I won't stop loving you. And I will be ready to
show you that love should you come back to visit or even stay. But I can't make you love me in return, and I am not sure I would do it even if I could. I just love ya--MORE!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Sometimes your'e the windshield, sometimes your'e the bug....
Sometimes I hear a song and no matter how silly or just downright funny it is, it sticks with me. The philosphy behind this one has been a part of my random quips to describe the week, month or even extended amount of windshield time some of my friends and I seem to be having.
I try really hard to remain very positive about all life occurances...sometimes its easier if I can dodge all those speeding buses, but every now and again, one of those not so well meaning people comes barrelling towards me and with the help of someone who means me harm, I take a not so pleasant trip on the windshield of the bus or even sometimes under it.
It can be extremely frustrating waiting out all those bumps and bruises while life pushes me to the next ride. It can also make ones heart sink into the old funks that in the former life felt like they would never end. The difference is now that I understand that I always have a choice and no matter how flattened I am by the splat or beat up the the ride down under, I know that its all to the good. I understand that change is the only option to move me forward. I guess I could try to remain in that old comfort zone for a little longer, but when I finally have made that turn and see light at the end of the tunnel I know that whatever the upheave,l it was necessary.
I know too that most of the time that the changes are no longer because of someone elses deciding for me. I decide those things that help me on my path--and lets just be clear---90% or more of my decisions are always right on. I rarely make those life changing bumbles that take forever to recover from. I don't see geography or job changes as a way to make me feel better and I know that in every job there are days when it feels like I cant do it anymore...but its just that its time for a rest and a little bit of inspiration to get my passion for what I do geared back up and running.
I understand there are many who see my confidence and lack of drama as signs that I don't care. But I have just found that the dramacanes of my past were never helpful nor were they even productive at resolving the issue. The best way to move forward is to tell the story(blog~erapy) make a few humorous remarks about the dumb stuff that others or even myself did to create the issue of the moment and then its time to forgive, learn from and forget whatever this last issue is.
What a difference this makes---but what an aggravation to those who do not understand. I lived the other way---and let me tell you I don't ever want to be that sad again. I know and have been told numerous times by my kids that I cant===or at least shouldnt sing in public-but on those days when its so obvious that whatever is coming at me has its windshield sights set on on direct course to flatten me at 55+, I cant help but belt out a few lines of Wynonna's sometimes youre the windshield, sometimes youre the bug. Come to think of it though, I don't recall ever getting a turn to be the glass that flattens anyone, but that's ok---i can see clearly those who like that position in life...actually I can see right through them. And if that song doesnt help me feel better I can always holler "I need a vacation and Im sure gonna get one"!!!
I try really hard to remain very positive about all life occurances...sometimes its easier if I can dodge all those speeding buses, but every now and again, one of those not so well meaning people comes barrelling towards me and with the help of someone who means me harm, I take a not so pleasant trip on the windshield of the bus or even sometimes under it.
It can be extremely frustrating waiting out all those bumps and bruises while life pushes me to the next ride. It can also make ones heart sink into the old funks that in the former life felt like they would never end. The difference is now that I understand that I always have a choice and no matter how flattened I am by the splat or beat up the the ride down under, I know that its all to the good. I understand that change is the only option to move me forward. I guess I could try to remain in that old comfort zone for a little longer, but when I finally have made that turn and see light at the end of the tunnel I know that whatever the upheave,l it was necessary.
I know too that most of the time that the changes are no longer because of someone elses deciding for me. I decide those things that help me on my path--and lets just be clear---90% or more of my decisions are always right on. I rarely make those life changing bumbles that take forever to recover from. I don't see geography or job changes as a way to make me feel better and I know that in every job there are days when it feels like I cant do it anymore...but its just that its time for a rest and a little bit of inspiration to get my passion for what I do geared back up and running.
I understand there are many who see my confidence and lack of drama as signs that I don't care. But I have just found that the dramacanes of my past were never helpful nor were they even productive at resolving the issue. The best way to move forward is to tell the story(blog~erapy) make a few humorous remarks about the dumb stuff that others or even myself did to create the issue of the moment and then its time to forgive, learn from and forget whatever this last issue is.
What a difference this makes---but what an aggravation to those who do not understand. I lived the other way---and let me tell you I don't ever want to be that sad again. I know and have been told numerous times by my kids that I cant===or at least shouldnt sing in public-but on those days when its so obvious that whatever is coming at me has its windshield sights set on on direct course to flatten me at 55+, I cant help but belt out a few lines of Wynonna's sometimes youre the windshield, sometimes youre the bug. Come to think of it though, I don't recall ever getting a turn to be the glass that flattens anyone, but that's ok---i can see clearly those who like that position in life...actually I can see right through them. And if that song doesnt help me feel better I can always holler "I need a vacation and Im sure gonna get one"!!!
Friday, December 3, 2010
I didn't know there would be an exam!!!
I am not sure how all the moments that have so quickly moved past me have gotten me to this place, but as I sit this early am and reminisce just a bit---I can get a sketchy idea.
I was so very young when I decided to marry and start a family. I didn't really decide, I just didn't decide not to. I know that is not really clear, but it makes perfect sense to me. When I was younger I pretty much just allowed things to happen, not too unlike present day except I was lost and had no clue what I really wanted. On Thanksgiving, someone asked as we were all sitting around and reminiscing, "why do you think we have kids so young?" Of course I spouted off and said "Because we are too stupid to know any better!". And while my intention was to say that if I had been a smarter person, I would have waited and been more prepared for the awesome challenge of raising children...not that I would change a second of my life. Of course one of my teenagers immediately took offense to the comment and for a milisecond I regreted saying it---but then I decided no-its what I meant. He chose as he often does to take offense to things that I say, and that is his perogitive.
It does not change my intention of the comment though. I wanted to share that I felt ill prepared and afraid at the task of being responsible for molding and directing those little precious lives. I meant that I was still too much of a child to be a good mom. I meant that I had not done a great job at selecting my coparent. I meant lots of things by my comment, but none of which I tried to explain to the kiddo---or others after his comment.
In my previous life---the one that ended with the seperation from my husband, I would have immediately tried to do damage control and made the situation worse and uncomfortable. Instead in my new understanding of living in the moment let his offense lie where it started and moved back to the original conversation. If he had truely wanted to understand my comment he probably would have asked what I meant instead of the poor me response that he shared.
But he is young...actually the same age when I was first a mother--so there ya go! I love each of my kids more than I can explain, but over the last few years I have been the blame for most of the changes and upheaval and I am ok with taking that on. If they need someone to take the fall I will...because Im already up and standing and moving forward and back up from whatever trip it was.
I am sure that most parents have some of the required parental guilt that comes with the HUGE responsibility of raising kids. Or at least I hope Im not the only one. But as I let that moment go---and now have added the incident to my blog~erapy, I am never going to revisit this moment he chose to take offense to. Instead I am going to take joy in the fact that two of my kids are now living proof that I didn't have an epic fail at parenting. They are both great moms. Four of the five are gainfully employed and are now or will be again soon working on college degrees. They are also for the most part financing and paying for their educations with little help from me. I am on a few loans--and grant applications...but financially they are carrying the load.
I didn't do so great on the exam--I took lots of things too seriously or literally. I was often at odds with someone and felt defensive most of the time. I felt like the answers that I gave were being graded subjectively---and based on others opinions instead of facts. I felt judged and unappreciated. I now know that it was because I was too judgemental and defensive. I had my bearings off and was not sure of where I was going. My feelings were clouding each situation and I was unsure of my answers. I failed the exam---but the lessons learned were put to practical use and now I get to retest. I am often amazed when my words come flying out of one of the kids mouths and it actually is appropriate to the situation and sounds pretty good from where I am standing. They seem a bit surprised that they have said it, and a bit bewildered at their insight...but I just smile.
I remember times when the consequences seemed severe...but it stopped the negative behavior. I have glimpses of times when they were so angry at me for enforcing the rules, but the issues involved were not repeated. I have only had one of my kids thank me for their upbringing in words. I will forever remember how that felt...because I would have never guessed she felt that way.
So now as I take my final exam, and the last teenager moves toward his adulthood, there are only a few questions left to answer.
Would you do anything different? In theory probably I would have been less strict---but I can't take any of it back because they are such great kids.
Would you do it again? A million times---it was the most amazing and wonderful thing to bring five such amazing people into this world and have them raise me to be an ok parent.
What advice would you give them? None--just hints and tips that I learned on how to deal with a terrible twos, potty training and tricks to helping them get well when sick. No advice--they learned all they needed to, and will figure the rest out just like I did.
I really don't like taking tests, especially when i didn't know there would be a quiz. I don't really like those moments of doubt and fear that were so prevelant when I was raising the fab5. But I am so grateful to know that even though I didn't ace the test, they turned out ok anyway. I really don't have any regrets...I still hate the tests...but Im grateful that the lessons were not lost.
I was so very young when I decided to marry and start a family. I didn't really decide, I just didn't decide not to. I know that is not really clear, but it makes perfect sense to me. When I was younger I pretty much just allowed things to happen, not too unlike present day except I was lost and had no clue what I really wanted. On Thanksgiving, someone asked as we were all sitting around and reminiscing, "why do you think we have kids so young?" Of course I spouted off and said "Because we are too stupid to know any better!". And while my intention was to say that if I had been a smarter person, I would have waited and been more prepared for the awesome challenge of raising children...not that I would change a second of my life. Of course one of my teenagers immediately took offense to the comment and for a milisecond I regreted saying it---but then I decided no-its what I meant. He chose as he often does to take offense to things that I say, and that is his perogitive.
It does not change my intention of the comment though. I wanted to share that I felt ill prepared and afraid at the task of being responsible for molding and directing those little precious lives. I meant that I was still too much of a child to be a good mom. I meant that I had not done a great job at selecting my coparent. I meant lots of things by my comment, but none of which I tried to explain to the kiddo---or others after his comment.
In my previous life---the one that ended with the seperation from my husband, I would have immediately tried to do damage control and made the situation worse and uncomfortable. Instead in my new understanding of living in the moment let his offense lie where it started and moved back to the original conversation. If he had truely wanted to understand my comment he probably would have asked what I meant instead of the poor me response that he shared.
But he is young...actually the same age when I was first a mother--so there ya go! I love each of my kids more than I can explain, but over the last few years I have been the blame for most of the changes and upheaval and I am ok with taking that on. If they need someone to take the fall I will...because Im already up and standing and moving forward and back up from whatever trip it was.
I am sure that most parents have some of the required parental guilt that comes with the HUGE responsibility of raising kids. Or at least I hope Im not the only one. But as I let that moment go---and now have added the incident to my blog~erapy, I am never going to revisit this moment he chose to take offense to. Instead I am going to take joy in the fact that two of my kids are now living proof that I didn't have an epic fail at parenting. They are both great moms. Four of the five are gainfully employed and are now or will be again soon working on college degrees. They are also for the most part financing and paying for their educations with little help from me. I am on a few loans--and grant applications...but financially they are carrying the load.
I didn't do so great on the exam--I took lots of things too seriously or literally. I was often at odds with someone and felt defensive most of the time. I felt like the answers that I gave were being graded subjectively---and based on others opinions instead of facts. I felt judged and unappreciated. I now know that it was because I was too judgemental and defensive. I had my bearings off and was not sure of where I was going. My feelings were clouding each situation and I was unsure of my answers. I failed the exam---but the lessons learned were put to practical use and now I get to retest. I am often amazed when my words come flying out of one of the kids mouths and it actually is appropriate to the situation and sounds pretty good from where I am standing. They seem a bit surprised that they have said it, and a bit bewildered at their insight...but I just smile.
I remember times when the consequences seemed severe...but it stopped the negative behavior. I have glimpses of times when they were so angry at me for enforcing the rules, but the issues involved were not repeated. I have only had one of my kids thank me for their upbringing in words. I will forever remember how that felt...because I would have never guessed she felt that way.
So now as I take my final exam, and the last teenager moves toward his adulthood, there are only a few questions left to answer.
Would you do anything different? In theory probably I would have been less strict---but I can't take any of it back because they are such great kids.
Would you do it again? A million times---it was the most amazing and wonderful thing to bring five such amazing people into this world and have them raise me to be an ok parent.
What advice would you give them? None--just hints and tips that I learned on how to deal with a terrible twos, potty training and tricks to helping them get well when sick. No advice--they learned all they needed to, and will figure the rest out just like I did.
I really don't like taking tests, especially when i didn't know there would be a quiz. I don't really like those moments of doubt and fear that were so prevelant when I was raising the fab5. But I am so grateful to know that even though I didn't ace the test, they turned out ok anyway. I really don't have any regrets...I still hate the tests...but Im grateful that the lessons were not lost.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Standing in my TRUTH
Its a big thing loving people no matter who they are or how they behave. Its a little bit of grace not to retaliate when they strike out to hurt you or tell lies. Its a measure of strength not to tell and scream at someone when they are so wrong it takes your breath... but it is all that I have been given this year. I am blessed for knowing that I do not have to prove that I am right, show that I am smarter or fight for what I believe. I can stand in my truth and allow you to throw whatever you wish in any direction. I do not need to defend my position. I know in my heart that I have committed no crime. There is no wrong for which to apologize. I understand completely my decision to remove you from direct firing distance in my reality and I stand by my decision to do so. So keep kicking up the dust, pouting for attention, and playing the victim. Sooner or later everyone will see when the dust settles and I will still be here standing in my truth. (posted in status on December 2nd-2:27 am)
So I know what I know, the stories are the same each time I tell them, only they are not stories. But the things you tell others change---everytime someone shares something that you have blamed, avoided or pointed in my direction. I know that life is not fair, but sometimes I wonder how much can anyone really be fooled by the trickery. I wait for those moments occassionally...not like really wait, but times and thoughts come when it would be nice if someone knew the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But I know. All of it. Every moment where there was deceit, deflection or doubt. I remember those things I used to write down, so that when it came back up later and was met with denial I could go read what I wrote just after it was said. So I could protect my sanity. I remember the promises, that were never fulfilled, the vows that were broken and the heart that was thrown away.
Even with all that pain in the not so distant past---I am whole, happy and moving forward. I see so many who cling to their anger. The resentment is so big it looms over their head where ever they go. It has even been said that others feel this thing when they come into the room. I used to feel it too, but it was like a million pounds was lifted when it was no longer my responsiblity.
I see that people come into our lives, some for awhile and some hopefully for forever, but it seems most everyone in your life is temporary. And that is ok, there is nothing written that says you cant love things and use people---its just not really cool if you ask me...but hey we live in a free country so go for it.
I love too that those who ask and care to listen to the other side of the story--aka what I share...seem to always say, that makes sense. Because my story is not loosely based on the truth--it is based in reality of the truth.
I have told several of the folks that have applied for positions in my life a few basic rules that I have developed because of you...and by the way I want to thank you for all of them.
Rule #1-my kids don't have to like you but they do have to tolerate you well and not have serious issues about your stability. (besides the normal teenager concerns of step parents or new friends)
Rule #2-you have to meet the majority of my friends and they have to give you a nod, a thumbs up or at least a I think they are ok to hang.
Rule #3-despite what you may think, I need to talk to your ex if you have one---ok, I know this one is weird but I have recently been told that certain topics are not allowed when I am present for fear I might know or be able to visit with certain people---and well I know its cause I am so freakin scary and the crazy ex wife syndrom thing lives here for sure. (ok--thats sarcasm---this is based only in fear that someone will tell your truth, by sharing mine)
Rule #4-you will have to be ok with your family...not that you have to like everyone...cause thats just not ever gonna happen, but you will have to at least be working at enough of an adult level that you can deal with difficult people even if you are related!
Rule #5-Sameness---same job, same house, same friends--minus a few here and there I so get! If your last three addresses all happened in the last 12 months---call Houston because we have a problem. Ok--dont keep the shoes that you have had since 92---that old same can go.
Rule #6-I don't want someone to be with me, I want someone who wants to be with me! I am perfectly ok being alone. Dont really like it, its probably why I stayed married for so long, but Im getting pretty good at living my life solo---well not really Im so damn popular that I am rarely alone. Isnt that weird? You always told me I didnt have any real friends they were all just people who came to use me! WRONG---that was just you, oh and a couple of other people we are both related to...but hey thats ok, I know how to say NO!
Rule #7-All the rules are in place because I was treated so badly by someone I tried to treat like they were my world. Yep-you! I gave up every friend, most of my family and everything I owned more than once because of decisions I allowed you to make. I gave up myself and still came out with just your version of me....which I quickly traded in for the authentic version. The next person in my life will have to make me want to give up my rules...because they wont be necessary.
I have had a few steady friends, but there were just too many of those remind me of him moments that I couldn't committ to see where it would go. I have several where there just wasnt any click---but am still friends with most of them. I have had several after I have told them no have come back for a do-over, but it never really got any better(that ability to see less hope in a hopeless situation is your credit also).
Now here comes the tough part...how am i responsible for this situation? I fell for your lies, believed in someone elses truth and quit listening to my inner voice so I could have what you convinced me that I wanted. How many times did I end up in a fight with you before the committment? How many times did I call it off and now know probably should have saved myself some grief by keeping it off?
This post is starting to sound a little like it is laced with regret when actually it is just the opposite. I see where I could have made other choices, where I could have found an out, and times that would have hurt less. I see that my decisions although lead to an outcome that lead to more tears than anyone should ever have to cry, they also lead me to here. A place where I am strong enough to develop my own opinion about life, truth and myself. A place where liars are quickly found out, manipulaters are detected by my radar and real friends are coveted for the worth they each hold in my life.
I dont regret any of you, but I marvel at the mess your life still is. From where I sit and stand in truth, you are on your own little quest to recapture the same story as before. You have learned nothing, except to find someone who is a bendable as I was some 28 years ago. I have come to understand too, that the reason I trusted the wrong person, was that I had never learned to trust me. I wasnt accepting what was real and red and flapping right in front of my face. I just put on my rose colored whatevers--well actually they were blinders, but the looked cute huh? And I just kept trucking on. I also can attribute the lesson of setting boundaries to this history. I learned that when someone is welcomed into my life, they are on a 10 day pass, then and extened visit and then given a key to my heart. But this key is not a lifetime ownership---locks can be changed whenever someone begins to push my truth and understanding and makes me think of new rules I should write for my life.
I am not perfect...neither is anyone I love...but I so love that you dont have to be, to be in my life. I can love you where you are, enjoy our time for all the fun that if offers and live my life in peace with my rules intact. I know its because no matter rules or no rules, I am standing in truth...MINE!
So I know what I know, the stories are the same each time I tell them, only they are not stories. But the things you tell others change---everytime someone shares something that you have blamed, avoided or pointed in my direction. I know that life is not fair, but sometimes I wonder how much can anyone really be fooled by the trickery. I wait for those moments occassionally...not like really wait, but times and thoughts come when it would be nice if someone knew the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But I know. All of it. Every moment where there was deceit, deflection or doubt. I remember those things I used to write down, so that when it came back up later and was met with denial I could go read what I wrote just after it was said. So I could protect my sanity. I remember the promises, that were never fulfilled, the vows that were broken and the heart that was thrown away.
Even with all that pain in the not so distant past---I am whole, happy and moving forward. I see so many who cling to their anger. The resentment is so big it looms over their head where ever they go. It has even been said that others feel this thing when they come into the room. I used to feel it too, but it was like a million pounds was lifted when it was no longer my responsiblity.
I see that people come into our lives, some for awhile and some hopefully for forever, but it seems most everyone in your life is temporary. And that is ok, there is nothing written that says you cant love things and use people---its just not really cool if you ask me...but hey we live in a free country so go for it.
I love too that those who ask and care to listen to the other side of the story--aka what I share...seem to always say, that makes sense. Because my story is not loosely based on the truth--it is based in reality of the truth.
I have told several of the folks that have applied for positions in my life a few basic rules that I have developed because of you...and by the way I want to thank you for all of them.
Rule #1-my kids don't have to like you but they do have to tolerate you well and not have serious issues about your stability. (besides the normal teenager concerns of step parents or new friends)
Rule #2-you have to meet the majority of my friends and they have to give you a nod, a thumbs up or at least a I think they are ok to hang.
Rule #3-despite what you may think, I need to talk to your ex if you have one---ok, I know this one is weird but I have recently been told that certain topics are not allowed when I am present for fear I might know or be able to visit with certain people---and well I know its cause I am so freakin scary and the crazy ex wife syndrom thing lives here for sure. (ok--thats sarcasm---this is based only in fear that someone will tell your truth, by sharing mine)
Rule #4-you will have to be ok with your family...not that you have to like everyone...cause thats just not ever gonna happen, but you will have to at least be working at enough of an adult level that you can deal with difficult people even if you are related!
Rule #5-Sameness---same job, same house, same friends--minus a few here and there I so get! If your last three addresses all happened in the last 12 months---call Houston because we have a problem. Ok--dont keep the shoes that you have had since 92---that old same can go.
Rule #6-I don't want someone to be with me, I want someone who wants to be with me! I am perfectly ok being alone. Dont really like it, its probably why I stayed married for so long, but Im getting pretty good at living my life solo---well not really Im so damn popular that I am rarely alone. Isnt that weird? You always told me I didnt have any real friends they were all just people who came to use me! WRONG---that was just you, oh and a couple of other people we are both related to...but hey thats ok, I know how to say NO!
Rule #7-All the rules are in place because I was treated so badly by someone I tried to treat like they were my world. Yep-you! I gave up every friend, most of my family and everything I owned more than once because of decisions I allowed you to make. I gave up myself and still came out with just your version of me....which I quickly traded in for the authentic version. The next person in my life will have to make me want to give up my rules...because they wont be necessary.
I have had a few steady friends, but there were just too many of those remind me of him moments that I couldn't committ to see where it would go. I have several where there just wasnt any click---but am still friends with most of them. I have had several after I have told them no have come back for a do-over, but it never really got any better(that ability to see less hope in a hopeless situation is your credit also).
Now here comes the tough part...how am i responsible for this situation? I fell for your lies, believed in someone elses truth and quit listening to my inner voice so I could have what you convinced me that I wanted. How many times did I end up in a fight with you before the committment? How many times did I call it off and now know probably should have saved myself some grief by keeping it off?
This post is starting to sound a little like it is laced with regret when actually it is just the opposite. I see where I could have made other choices, where I could have found an out, and times that would have hurt less. I see that my decisions although lead to an outcome that lead to more tears than anyone should ever have to cry, they also lead me to here. A place where I am strong enough to develop my own opinion about life, truth and myself. A place where liars are quickly found out, manipulaters are detected by my radar and real friends are coveted for the worth they each hold in my life.
I dont regret any of you, but I marvel at the mess your life still is. From where I sit and stand in truth, you are on your own little quest to recapture the same story as before. You have learned nothing, except to find someone who is a bendable as I was some 28 years ago. I have come to understand too, that the reason I trusted the wrong person, was that I had never learned to trust me. I wasnt accepting what was real and red and flapping right in front of my face. I just put on my rose colored whatevers--well actually they were blinders, but the looked cute huh? And I just kept trucking on. I also can attribute the lesson of setting boundaries to this history. I learned that when someone is welcomed into my life, they are on a 10 day pass, then and extened visit and then given a key to my heart. But this key is not a lifetime ownership---locks can be changed whenever someone begins to push my truth and understanding and makes me think of new rules I should write for my life.
I am not perfect...neither is anyone I love...but I so love that you dont have to be, to be in my life. I can love you where you are, enjoy our time for all the fun that if offers and live my life in peace with my rules intact. I know its because no matter rules or no rules, I am standing in truth...MINE!
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