.by Pamela Smith Masters on Tuesday, February 8, 2011 at 11:05am.
I can remember a time when I did not understand life, I was full of drama, everything was a crisis and it seemed like I was forever alone. Even when there were other people in the room, I felt so alone. It's a long journey to here and I have some amazing people to thank for my coming into myself. But even today, because of my life choices, I sometimes still feel alone, but I am ok with that.
I don't do the people pleasing thing at all...and sometimes this gets me labeled as harsh...but you know, those who were strong enough to hit me with the truth with both barrels, not only saved me but they made my life what it is. I am forever grateful for their in my face reality check. Because before turning down this road I am on, I was so clueless and I didn't really like me. First it was Tim...gosh I miss him, he left this life for his celestial discharge last year. But his life lessons that he gifted to me have meant more than anyone will ever know...he literally gave me my second life. (I know mom gave the first). And then there is my Bridge---you will not ever meet anyone more generous with brutal honesty...but it was so much a gift to me. I tease a little because the gifts of healing, grace and kindness she showed me at a very low point in my life were more meaningful that most every gift I have ever been given. Through their sharing of their life lessons I have learned what love is, and what it means to love unconditionally. I have learned that love of oneself is the only way to love others. I have learned that loving does not mean ownership nor dose it diminish the responsibility of that love.
but I digress...back to the original thought...This real and harsh truth of life as I see it is this...its what I make of it. There are so many of the old cliches that apply and a person on a journey can spend a crazy amount of time tearing the words apart and finding meaning...but in the end its what they mean to me that matters. Like the quote "Love means never having to say you are sorry", I know several people who think this means that if someone loves me then when I screw up I don't have to say I'm sorry---they should just know. I have a little different take---when you love someone, doing something that would cause them harm, change how they feel about you or forever take away from their joy is something you just can't do...so you would never have to say sorry.
I could pick apart so many of them, but in truth when I set about my 13 year journey to myself, I listened differently. I learned to hear what people mean--not just what they are saying. I learned to pick up on those who were just good at using others words for deflection and games. It's not always fun---but I cannot even think about going back to the life before. There is a part of the self that can get caught up in the drama, the game of saying things to get others attention and well in my opinion just behaving like a teenager. But the freedom of not having to keep up with what story I told you or the version that I shared with someone else, means that I am able to find joy in almost every moment. I would never trade this for that older version of life....I wouldn't even know how to go back.
But this brings me to the part of my self that others think is one of two things...they either appreciate it because it is so true, or they hate it because it is so true. If you are working towards living an authentic life, you have been blessed with the inate understanding that you are a piece of God and worthy of all the joys and gifts of this journey or someone has slapped you upside the head so you could understand it(what happeed to me) then you already know what I am talking about. If you haven't, then by all means bring your drama over and sit by me...and just ask me to tell you the truth. I may ask if you you are sure you want the truth, but I will be happy to share my understanding. Because I know what is on the other side. I think we probably all come into ourselves in a different way, some are able to be moving along the path without any other input needed, they have an inate knowing and honesty that I was not blessed with...I had to go down the bumpy road to find all that makes me smile today. Some do it with their church, or religion, some do it with their cause and some have to have medical attention and support...it doesnt matter...and its not even required, but as far as I am concerned it is the only way to live.
I have been beating myself up a little lately, because sometimes when I try to help, the part of me that is all about the tough love and this is what I hear you really saying, can certainly piss someone off. But like I said I can't go back. I can't tell you everything is going to be fine, that it doesnt matter what you do, you can just keep hurting people I care about. I can't let you off the hook that easy.
Here is the truth of it as I see it. You get some blame cards when you are a kid...its my parents fault, its my teachers fault, its my whoevers fault...but they all expire when you turn 18. What ever you get out of this life, whatever bumps in your road, whatever drama you find is because of you. Please don't hate me cause Im honest, but its true. Nothing in this life is just happening to you. If you could just see it the way it was put to me, I would hope the clouds would lift for you as they did me. I can still remember the first day after my drama decades that I actually saw the sun...not the dang its too bright and hurting my eyes sun...but my sun. The glorious orb that lights my days and glows in my moon sun. The solar power that sometimes I just sit in its warmth because its mine sun. You have a choice at every minute of your life to see the good, really in every second and its all about your choices. You can contribute a piece of yourself to each place you find yourself in. You have a story, you have a joy, you have a light in you that was meant to be a part of this world. You can choose to be sad that someone has left your life or you can be happy for the time they were a part of it. You can be sad that your plate is empty or be grateful for the meal that just filled you up. It's your decision in each second of your life. You can be grateful that you have another Monday to start a great week, or you can be sad it's Monday and your weekend is over. You can be sad or happy at any second and it's all your choice.
I am getting older and whille I see the years on my face, I dont really feel them anymore. I dont regret the changes in my body that come with age or with the bearing of my children. I do however have a hate for the gray hair...and Ms. Clairol is still my best friend. But I dont have any other regrets....except...no wait--nope not that either.
I love every person that has graced my life. Every single one. It's not a small thing loving someone that you by all rights and history should hate. But when you do...when you find that grace that allows you to be grateful for what they gave you no matter what that is, you release yourself. But you gotta know you invited them in to play...you allowed them to share you moments whether they were short or years...you made that choice. Hate and discontent for someone else only imprisons the one holding the hate.
Recently my all too honest approach to life spilled out onto someone else, because I wanted to help. But sometimes, someone can be stuck and think and behave as if they are at an age when they still have some of those blame cards. Maybe they can't see the expiration date, or they just don't want to. Either way they are sure that their life's misery is someone elses fault. I'm sorry to tell you it aint so. I think we spend way too much money and way too much time trying to find happiness, purchase it or even just rent it for a time. But it costs nothing to have happiness...you simply choose it. If you think I am wrong, try this--the next time you feel that bit of anger or disappointment creeping over your sunlight...stop! Evaluate the situation--try really hard to find one aspect of it to label as good. I double dog dare you! Then tell me you didn't feel better!
I have been homeless, and had to rely on friends to support me while I found my legs. I have been devasted beyond belief because of the actions of others, I have been places I never have to or want to go again...but I went there. I chose to turn down that road or allowed someone else to drive me. When you take personal responsibility for your life, you also get the keys to the car to drive from here. Your choices today will shape your tomorrows. Your honesty in this second will shape how everything in your life is true. When you set about being honest with yourself, no one can ever lie to you again. You will see their lies instantly and they will see that you see them. Sooner or later the lies will stop--or you just won't be able to hear them anymore. I never knew that being honest with myself would also give me a virtual lie detector...its a little creepy really, to know its not true even if the other person doesn't. It also saves you so much more drama in the future.
I hope that I am just preaching to the choir, I hope that most of those I know have this understanding and they are just standing on their chairs and cheering because I finally get it...but if not, I hope they figure it out soon. I don't have to have anything to be happy, in fact to best understand this you only have to look at those who have less than you do. Do you think that they don't have joy because they don't have the perfect house, or job or car---well some might be sad because they don't have those things...but the ones who are living their lives and have found out that they have the same minutes you and I do to LIVE this life are smiling. We are not human-havings we are human-beings. Find something in your day that you can label as your joy. If its not your job then its for the time you are not at your job. If its your kids...have more kids or play with others kids. If its your pets then do more with your pets...if its your sun...then just be in the sun. Find the being that you are and share your joy with yourself. Don't hide it in the next thing you will own or time you will spend....put it in your pocket and use it up in every second. No matter the place you have driven yourself too...own it, find joy in it and live--or be who you were meant to be. But most importantly don't do things to those you love expecting forgiveness to be your eraser. You can never remove scars completely, and if you think of your decisions like you are throwing knives and that when you aim at someone else you might just hit them....then maybe you can see that every decision has consequences. And if your decisions have this effect, just know that everyones decisions that involve you can leave the same scars. Even more importantly your decisions--even the small ones can leave a scar on you too!
I love you...each and everyone of you. I love that you are a part of my life whether you read what I write or not. I love that you are so good at sharing your joy or sadness, either way it helps me. I also want to say something else, I believe that you don't have to get any lessons out of life. You can just live. I do not sit in judgement of others choices...but please if you are happy being miserable then dont tell me you want help to be happy...cause I take all requests as serious. I just gotta learn to say no more...so no more today! I am headed out to feel my sun, find my joy and share with everyone who graces my life today. Hope I see you!
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