The angry I want to share my stuff with the world posts are long since gone. They have not even been something I have wanted to reread much here lately, because it seems as though that part of my life was a book that I have closed. If you were not a reader of the first pages of Blogging that happened on this blog or the first one, you may have no clue about how all this writing came about, but it was in reaction to the last time someone tried to silence me. To keep me from talking about the injustice I felt being a vicitim of their so wrong and mean actions. I spoke up for myself, and in one moment turned my life in a direction that has been nothing short of spectacular since.
I learned many lessons, and understand so much more of the path, decisions and missteps that lead me to that moment of change. I don't have to relive it anymore, because I know I don't ever have to go that route again.
But learning to navigate this new direction, adding the new chapters well thats just been pure fun.
I don't worry much about making people angry anymore. Seldom ever question my decisions. And most importantly understand that the fear that someone might not like me is not only irrational, it has nothing to do with any aspect of real life.
I also remember several years ago when I found myself in a networking group, reaching out to business owners about my agency, and how ill prepared I was for the "Im in a room of people I don't know terror". I don't really remember being afraid, but I must have had the deer in the headlight look, because the facilitator of that meeting came over and introduced herself. She said "Hi, I'm Tamara, what's your name?" That lead to a very short conversation where I think I told her I was new to my job, new to networking and a little nervous about what I was supposed to do. This amazing and so confident new friend stepped right up gave me some amazing words of encouragement and I never looked back. I have always remembered the impact she made on my life...how she made me feel so different about people I didn't know, but mostly how she made me feel different about myself.
So often I hear people express their fear of being in that very situation and how they cannot do it, or how they handle it badly. And I wish so often that I could be the one that not only would say something as encouraging as my friend Tam did, but also that they would hear it and receive it so it could be the change for them that she made for me that day.
I won't tell you that at some moments of my life I may still feel that twinge of fear as I walk into a new group, almost completely sure that I won't know a single person in the room. But if I do it is momentary and it is soon replaced by a stack of new cards, or notes with facebook ads or fast and furious additions on my cell phone.
I don't remember word for word what she said that day...but I got the message. So here goes...and after you read this you can never again use these phrases--it is forbidden and you are at the moment in your life where it will change for you.
1) I don't know anyone they are all strangers.
NEW THOUGHT~I came into this world not knowing a soul...even my mom was a stranger. Along my path there have been friends, best friends, family, acquaintances, and the UGH catagory of people. But a stranger is only someone who hasn't been given the chance to be a friend yet. That's all--we could even give these people we don't know a new title...so we can move past the connotation of "STRANGER" danger. So here goes...my word for people I don't know yet is pre-friend. Now you pick yours. Take the word stranger out of your vocabulary forever.
2) I feel fear when I am in those situations.
NEW THOUGHT~Feelings are not facts. Usually more often than not they are a cellular memory of some other moment in our lives that relates to the thoughts we are thinking about our current situation. But that moment and this have absolutely nothing to do with each other. So we need to walk into new situations with a disconnect from the past. Nothing bad has ever happened, this is totally new experience, and I am going to gain something out of each activity that I invest in. I am going to learn something from at least one person in this room. I am going to be able to help one or more of them too. I am going to go home with at least one new friend to add on facebook or on my cell texting list. I am going to try to smile, laugh and share a bit of myself so that this opportunity in my life becomes a memory and is a credit and not just a debit on my life account of minutes.
3) Someone here might not like me.
NEW THOUGHT~Ok, sorry but that's just dumb (speaking to me as well as you) Why would someone not like you? Why would it ever occur to me or you to even worry about that? Really? So what if they don't? Do you have people that for whatever reason you don't like? If so does it really bother them? If not how lucky are you?? You have learned to look and find something that you like in every person that you meet and you may have just outgrown your therapy and mine. We are all here because we are valued. We are all children of this universe and have a purpose, passion and possiblity of creating so much good in our lives and the lives of others. We are not anything less than a walking, talking, breathing miracle and it's time we see our selves as such. And if that is a hard leap, think about someone that you think is all of the above and ask them what they think of you.
4) What if I say something dumb.
NEW THOUGHT~Well this topic can go one of two ways. You can walk into a room and share something dumb so it is out of the way, or you can go up to your first pre-friend and say "I might say something dumb while we are talking, but please don't think bad of me---I can be somewhat goofy from time to time". From there talk about what matters, if it's a business related event...talk about what you love about your job, services or people you work with. Talk about how being employed with your company has changed you personally, whether its with confidence, awards or promotions. Don't worry that you are bragging, it't not bragging if it's true and everyone loves doing business with a company that builds up and encourages their employees. You are sharing how your company is not just about making money. If it's a personal event--ask questions about your newest pre-friend and see if you can get a glimpse of why you like the adventure you will share as you become better friends, close friends or even BFF's!!
5) What if I don't make any great connections, get new business or have fun?
NEW THOUGHT~How about we try to take the outcome expectations out of the thought process for a bit? So you are smart, you know that in your job, life or whatever you are out and about doing that people are going to be able to help, collaborate or participate in the next thing. It could be a sales event, fundraiser or party. Whatever it is, it will be what it is supposed to be. All you need to worry about is being present in your life, being real, and being able to say that when you wrote this check on your life account of minutes it was not a waste. Also we have come somewhat to believe in the drive-through society and we need to stop it. NOW!! Just because we can drive up and talk to a little box, tell it what we want, go to the next window and exchange a bit of our money for it, and have very little interaction with the human that cooked it, microed it, or even did something unmentionable to it...we have to stop thinking about every moment of our life is a three-to-fifteen minute drive thru experience. That's not to say that fast events, or quick unplanned connecting is not a good or God thing, we just need to quit thinking as if we need to have the burger at the end. Each moment that we invest in taking pre-friends to the next level we are making connections that may not pay off for years...but that does not mean they were a waste.
Ok--so there are 5 Old to New thought transitions. I challenge you to try one or all of the above. I also challenge you to challenge your fear of anything. You can do it with the "What't the worst that can happen" game. You can do it with "What am I really afraid of?" exercise. You can take all the pre-friends you find today and simply say hello or move them to the next level. But I ask you to think of one person in your life that you simply could not imagine living without. Think about how you feel when you talk to them, or cry on their shoulder or if you are the shoulder for them. What would your life be like had you never taken that pre-friend to the next level? What if that group of new pre-friends is holding someone just as wonderful as your best friend? I don't think you can ever have enough friends...because each of them brings something new, different or even challenging to your life. But it's the spending of those moments and the gathering of those experiences that make a life. It assures all of us that time shared is time well spent.
I cannot finish this without telling you one more thing. Just because someone made the transition from pre-friend to friend does not mean that they will always be there. Sometimes we outgrow our friends, sometimes they pick a direction or behavior that causes us distress. Sometimes it was just never a great match anyway. But all connections can add value...if nothing else giving us the opportunity to set valid boundaries and help us understand that pre-friend, to friend to un-friend can happen and it's not the end of the world. I also understand that sometimes I am going to have the opportunity to be a friend to someone who may or may not understand the value I put on my relationships. It may also be true that they don't see people or life in the same way as I do. It may also be that some of their actions become so disturbing that I remove them from direct access until I can be strong enough to help them, or they become wise enough not to abuse others I care about. I don't really like those opportunities to de-select, but I love the peace that follows. I don't diminish or devalue anyone, but they can choose if they are an asset or a liability in the lives they touch just as I can. I hope to always be an asset...but understand if you decide you don't see me as such. I hold all my friends in their place, but I also let them move away if they need to go out and find a path that does not cross mine. They may be traveling down drama drive, heartache alley or it's not fair avenue...and they won't see me in any of those places. And they won't see me in the cause damage in my life drive thru either. I am busy navigating the paths that lead to fun, sharing and taking friends to the next level. Becuase I am writing the checks on my life account...and I am spending my minutes wisely. Expending those that will have the most value, that will add to the rest of my life...not take away from what is already gone and was good about the past.
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