Progress no matter how slow is still moving forward. I have to be ok with that sometime...I didn't get myself into this mess in one day...so it goes without saying that it may take a day or two to return to healthy. I am so grateful for friends like Jennifer Ashely who keep helping me to move forward and many others who love me no matter how slow I go!
So many projects have taken up some of my time lately that I was using for building new healthier habits...so creating the habit of putting me first has not come as easily as I had hoped. But I am determined and know that I will reach my goals.
A big one is coming up on my birthday this year...watch for more about this one soon!
Also noticing a few people I love who have pulled away. I know that change is a natural part of life, but the vacuum that is left when someone makes an exit can be a bit unnerving at first. I have to be ok with it...there is nothing else I can be.
I will not dip into hurt or depression, I will feel the loss. I will send nothing but love and best wishes to those who have lost their need for me in their life and I will be open to those who will come and fill the void.
I trust in the process, the journey the love of the universe to protect my heart from the deep hurts. I feel the pain and I know that this too shall pass. I no longer spend hours in the pain of "what did I do wrong". I believe in the flow of life and allow it to take me and others to the right place at the right time.
I get so excited each time I hear of someone else using this amazing tool of blogging in their lives. Whether they are blogging for work, fun or sanity, I find it absolutely inspiring the words and feelings that they portray in the writings of those in my life.
I think of a line in that great movie "Avatar" where the Na'vi share about their ability to "see" someone. The seeing is not a visual reference but an intellectual and soulful understanding of the being they are relating to. So many times as I read the words a vision of the pain, purpose and wholeness of the person writing becomes more evident. I am awestruck. Other times I don't get the vision, but am somehow amused and enjoy the sharing just the same.
Sometimes I am a bit of a nerd, movie nerd especially. I think I talked so much about this movie that my friends got a little tired of it and I ended up getting two copies for my birthday that year! I still have them too...LOL. I really should gift one of them to someone who has not seen it, but have not managed to part with either copy yet.
I really love so much as I have looked back over the blog~erapy and it's beginning to what it has evolved into today. I use it to talk myself through painful situations, relieve feelings that I don't wish to keep and to put into words when the words don't come easy.
I have used it for praise, comic relief and for release. I have grown most from going back and reading what I wrote. I have even on occasion, gone back to the first posts. That was a very different me. I really liked her though, how strong she grew through telling it like it was according to me. I love that she found her voice and no longer was afraid of the terrible things I thought would happen if I had ever gotten brave enough to be that honest.
The most amazing part of this internet version of my history is how it has helped me be more honest. In the previous version of me I tempered everything I said trying to no anger or make someone dislike me. I had walked on egg shells so long I didn't even know what the real floor felt like. I don't miss that version of me, but I do respect her. The dance she did to cope with the life choices we made was not a pretty and choreographed art form. It was a real mess. I like this version so much more. I like living in the confidence of life that all things are to the good. That when I feel lonely or feel anything for that matter I have action steps to take to deal with the feelings. I feel empowered, strong, and I know sometimes alone is ok. I am able to let go of those things that end without my permission. I understand that I can grieve and not get stuck in the pain of it. That as I turn my feet towards the next path, things will come into focus for me to do and I will again begin to move forward.
