Courage is a funny/strange thing. Some who want it will respect you when you have it. Some that are afraid of it will condemn you for using it. Some that dont understand it will challenge you to have it. I find that courage to speak the truth and stand up for what is right validates my life. I will always try to use my courage to hold to my beliefs. (facebook post 2-19-2011)
Courage is a funny/strange thing.
Some who want it will respect you when you have it. Every time I have to make a tough decision about things going on in my life, or even things that are part of the lives of those I care about, I have to remember to be couragous. I hope that I never slip into living in fear so that I am unable to decide what works best for me. The first half of my life was based on all those crazy fears. Fear of being alone, hated or even disliked. Fear that I would make a wrong decision or that somehow my decisions were not understood. But the most amazing thing that is happened is that those who did not understand or had negative reaction to a decision I have made to honor myself, arent really missed very much. Once the line is drawn as to what is acceptable and the boundary crossed, there is nothing much else to do but to stand in priniciple. I am often told by those who have not found the courage to stand by what they believe that they admire this in me. But they just have not idea why I cling to my courage so tightly.
Some that are afraid of it will condemn you for using it. Occassionally there are those, who don't understand the need to "stand for something", they have never had the wind knocked out of them by someone who professed to care only to abuse thier trust and take advantage of thier kindness. They see my choices as mean, or unfair. They have yet to travel down a path that forced them to work on self preservation or be abused beyond repair. And to be honest I hope they never do. But unlike myself they choose to condemn me because I know what is right for me. That I am strong enough to say that what has happened is unacceptable and I have to make a point to live in honor of the life I am building for myself.
Some that dont understand it will challenge you to have it. Many times I see those who take advantage of others, might for a moment think that I am an easy target too. They will cry about the tragedies in their life and want me to help, but many do not understand that the only help I can offer is to listen. I know that solving my own problems had little to do with what others could do for me. I had to find a way to not ever let the mistakes of my past become the problems of my present, or the fears of my future. I learned, even if it were painfully slowly, that my life is what I make of it. That others cannot take advantage of me without my permission. I struggled through the lessons of accepting people as they are and only asking them to be a part of my life, not needing them to be. I grew to understand that life is about living in the moment and not fearing what others will do, say or bring to my life. I also found that sometimes people see me as nice, and an easy target, but they are seriously wrong. I can usually pick out those who don't play by the principles or even have the littlest understanding of how life works within just a short time. But I am not about limiting the experience of those who don't play nice, I just make decisions based on what I want in my life. Now I find again that making that decision to limit access for someone who creates too much drama and pain, has put a damper on the others who have yet grown to understand the motivation behind my decisions. I was even threatened with bodily harm if I was to "TALK" about someone who had violated the rules. The challenge to them is this, why do you think I would? The challenge to me is do I keep quiet in fear or do I share what I know to be true. Well really it is a combination of both. When the converstation leads itself to helping me heal or another understand that just because we like or love someone does not mean they get to abuse us or our kindness, then I will take whatever beating I have coming. I was threatened and ignorned into silence for the better part of my first 40 years, but that won't ever happen again. If you are creating pain for me or others that I care about, I will have the courage to tell you that you are wrong. I will also have the courage to eliminate the open access you had before the violations became to great. I will never stand for your abuse no matter how much I like you.
I find that courage to speak the truth and stand up for what is right validates my life. This "courage" that some think of is not really anything more than my belief that I am owed nothing less in this life than what I want. I found that when I have tried to be nice to protect someone's feelings, I was left with a feeling that I had been dishonest. When I speak the truth I don't use it as a weapon to shock or harm others, I only speak for myself which validates and honors my beliefs. But by the time I am asked to speak my truth I understand the issue and what it is meaning in my life I cannot ever stop anyone from creating harm, but I can say you don't have my permission to do it here! I can remember the first few times that I took on the responsibility of saying what I truely felt and meant at one of those moments I would have normally just said it's fine. The feeling of empowerment was overwhelming. And while the others involved had no way of knowing what it meant to me ...I did! I decided then that I could always choose to do one of two things, tell the truth or say nothing. But I could never again say just what someone wanted to hear...it just wasn't going to be possible ever again.
I will always try to use my courage to hold to my beliefs. I don't take my decisions to remove someone who is causing pain, drama or harm to me or others lightly nor do I do it out of revenge or punishment. I simply believe that I deserve to have people in my life who are living by the same or most of the same principles as I hold to. They only need to want to be a part of this life in a way that is about creating peace, fun and memories-not harm, abuse or regrets. I don't have any hard and fast rules that you get a copy of, nor do I take a tally of any wrongdoings or bad decisions. But you can be sure that if your name is coming up in conversations, or when I talk about you the smile is off my face, its not because you use a different toilet paper than I like, or that your drink of choice is yucky. My concerns are of those things you can't take back. Those moments that damage the trust of those you profess to care about, even if I am not one of those. I am not talking about those decisions that we sometimes make that upset someone. I am talking about patterns of behavior that are perpetual and ever constant when you are present. And let me say this too...this is not an island that you are voted off....this is a clear and present boundary of non-acceptable versus pleasant and respectful behavior. It is not a game to me, nor is it something that I will forgive and forget. I always forgive, but you have to earn the forgetting.
I am not judge nor jury. I am not sitting in judgement of your behavior. You are allowed to do whatever you wish, and live your life as you see fit. But you know what? So am I. I might be sad that your choices will limit how I get to share time with the good parts of you, but I'm pretty sure that any voids in my life will soon be filled with those who honor it as much as I do. I also know that you will probably not miss having someone who tells you often that what you did was just not cool. So see, it all worked out for the best.
When someone is wrong, I am usually not the only one that recognizes it. But I may be the only one with enough courage to say so. When someone is immediately defensive when confronted, it usually means they are having feelings that everyone is against me...maybe they should ask themselves why. Or not. If they are sure that the life they are living is the life they indeed want, then continue on. But you may loose some people along the way just as I have. Only its not really a loss because its honoring the life I want for myself...and you too as well.
There are at least three in my reality at this time that have been moved behind a hard boundary. Their actions were based on decisions that they thought would have them win where there was no contest. They wanted to be the center of what ever was going on, proved to the be one who was right even though their actions were called wrong by many. They wanted the everyone to say, I like you so no matter your choices in behavior, we will stand here and take your abuse. Please don't misunderstand, abuse does not always mean physical harm...many times the other types leave deeper scars that will never completely heal. They are the damages to our hearts, our trust and our faith in others to have the same motives that we do. Clearly this is not always the case.
I make no apologies for my hard choices, they are mine to make. I will not turn away from the courage it takes to have a peaceful life. I will not turn my back on you, but I will limit your ability to create harm and drama. You are still welcome in my life, to the degree that you deserve to be here. You have not been removed because I don't like you. You have been limited because of your actions and when you make better choices that treat others with the respect and kindness that you yourself say that you want, the arms of friendship will open wide. I do not even for a second think I know whats better for you or your life, but I sure as hell know what works in mine. I stand with courage to make those tough choices that are always about what is right...for me.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Her words were like a compliment and she didnt even realize!
So there have been numerous conversations about our shared history. But it's so funny when someone sees things in a totally different way then how you remember it. I'm talking about one of my kids...well actually she is my best friend now and the wonderful mother to one of the most amazing grandbabies in the whole world--oh sorry got a little carried away---back to my original thought. I'm talking about my Nicci. From day one she was the most amazing child and has always been such a joy and an amazing teacher. If you want to learn how to be a parent, all I can say is she did a pretty good job raising me. She is the reason that I had more kids, she is the reason that there are days I feel like a success as a parent. She is a wonderful compass to normal and she never fails to forgive my shortcomings.
I had not a clue how to raise my kids, but I think she was my first so I could be better with the other four. We have always been close, and that connection just gets closer and closer everyday. She and I are sharing a home, or should I say she and her family and I. Some changes that were going on and a looming date of having to sign a new lease, lead me to take her up on her offer to share a home. I was living alone and not really liking it much and well it all worked out.
Sometimes the venting sessions we have are so healing. Sometimes its her turn, sometimes its mine or sometimes it is ours about our shared history. On one recent occassion I was talking about how stable our lives have become since making a change in direction and personel. Understanding that the life path we were on together was not working for me and probably had never been a great match, was a tough lesson. But where my life has led me has brought me so much joy and friends and peace....so it was all to the good.
There were at least 31moves---in 27 years...but some of them might have escaped my memory. They were usually brought on by a bad decision, but that never changed the fact that we HAD to move. The kids were in numerous schools, losing friends, changing everything over and over again. But the compliment that she gave me was this..."the compliment--Gee mom, evertime we moved, even on those days we came home from school thinking we were gonna have a peanut butter sandwich and do homework, only to find half our stuff already boxed up and hear we are moving, it always just seemed like an adventure." Even as I type it here, it makes my eyes tear to hear her memory of those difficult times.
She just does not know anything about how angry I was that it was all put on me to get it all done...except for the last few. I had given up trying to make them work and work at a job too...so the last few I just told the person creating the change that it was his choice so he could be responsible for making it happen. It was those acts of allowing the responsibility on who was making the choices that got me labled as lazy, and a few other choice words. There came a day when I finally said-"..move anywhere you like, but I'm done" and I stayed put--well at least in the same county.
In the early days I would come up with fun ways to make the kids think it was a game and we would play music and sing and whatever else I could think of to distract them. Often I really never had much notice about the looming geographical fix...it was just kind of announced..."WE ARE MOVING". The box gathering was even fun...and you cannot believe how good they got at dumpster diving.
My friend Tim helped me so much---and once after I had cried over the last move and shared about how upset I was to have lost contact with all my friends, and him too....he asked me "Do you realize how gifted and amazing you are that you have been able to keep up with all this havoc and upheaval? Do you even know what a skill it is to move with 3-4 or even 5 kids, with little to no resources?" he continued to turn my thoughts to the positive by adding..."you have kept everyone together, moving all the essentials and as well as keeping the family intact emotionally. You were a magician of sorts...making it all come back together, in a travel trailer, or someone elses house or where ever he would have you land."
I had always seen my life as a failure, job after job, change after change, loss after loss---only to see that those lessons would lead to skills that help me in handling so many of lifes challenges today. My brain works fast, and sees a solution to most crisis points without even a hiccup. I can see the route around a problem and do it with poise and calm. I dont say that to brag but only to be grateful in some form for those crazy times when life was so not like it is now!
The stability that is the framework of my days at home, work and everywere else keeps me calm. I rarely ever get ruffled feathers and if I ever do, its not long before I get past whatever the drama is. The ramifications of all the changes will be felt for years in the kids lives. How many diferent schools did they attend? How many changes in friends, zip codes....well just everything. How many changes in the job story, how many lost friends, and how much pain?
Now I hope you understand that I am not talking about the normal process of moving...although it can be traumatic on a child....it is something most kids can rebound from because of the stability that is in place before and after the move. I am refering to a different type of relocation. There is one time I remember that the repo man was there to repossess the car I had just loaded all the kids and their underwear and clothing in. I had no idea that the payments had not been made, but was brought up to speed real fast.
Im still not sure how we ended up after each disaster in one piece, but somehow I got it done. And every single time, I managed to help create the rebound, the restart, the do-over. I did that! And did it well enough that the memories the kids now share and relate is that --it was always an adventure. Of course I never wanted or tried to let them see the tears, the fears, the shame in where our failures were. I kept them away from the evictions, and bad things as much as possible. I did that.
I was reminded that being able to create a happy home is an art, and keeping a somewhat normal life for my kids amongst all of the chaos nothing short of magic or a miracle. The best part of all--they are all pretty happy, well adjusted and functioning adults...although the jury remains out on the 13 year old...but all signs are good.
It's not always often that someone can look back on life and change the way they see things...but Tim gave that gift to me. He helped me see things in a way that took away most of the pain that had hung on to my memories for what seemed like forever. Now I can remember traveling on the next adventures road with my kids and be grateful for my strengths. I loose more and more of anger and regrets of the past, because I know all those lessons brought me to here.
There are still days where unecessary drama and juvenille games make me tired and breathes new breathe to my drama queen. But I dont let her out to play for long. And on most days when she shows up I understand completely that it is a sign that something needs to change. I get so weary of people who say things never will, but then they really don't know my history. They have little knowledge of the power of directed change that I have experienced. They are stuck in the way its always been world and are accepting that people can't or won't move forward. But I am here to tell you I have lived through some scary stuff, and I am not scared, even in the slightest of change. As a matter of fact, whenever someone tells me I can't change it, I only need to think back at all I have done, and know it ain't no big thing for me...it's just the next move, or adventure. And when it is all said and done...thats how they will see it too!
I had not a clue how to raise my kids, but I think she was my first so I could be better with the other four. We have always been close, and that connection just gets closer and closer everyday. She and I are sharing a home, or should I say she and her family and I. Some changes that were going on and a looming date of having to sign a new lease, lead me to take her up on her offer to share a home. I was living alone and not really liking it much and well it all worked out.
Sometimes the venting sessions we have are so healing. Sometimes its her turn, sometimes its mine or sometimes it is ours about our shared history. On one recent occassion I was talking about how stable our lives have become since making a change in direction and personel. Understanding that the life path we were on together was not working for me and probably had never been a great match, was a tough lesson. But where my life has led me has brought me so much joy and friends and peace....so it was all to the good.
There were at least 31moves---in 27 years...but some of them might have escaped my memory. They were usually brought on by a bad decision, but that never changed the fact that we HAD to move. The kids were in numerous schools, losing friends, changing everything over and over again. But the compliment that she gave me was this..."the compliment--Gee mom, evertime we moved, even on those days we came home from school thinking we were gonna have a peanut butter sandwich and do homework, only to find half our stuff already boxed up and hear we are moving, it always just seemed like an adventure." Even as I type it here, it makes my eyes tear to hear her memory of those difficult times.
She just does not know anything about how angry I was that it was all put on me to get it all done...except for the last few. I had given up trying to make them work and work at a job too...so the last few I just told the person creating the change that it was his choice so he could be responsible for making it happen. It was those acts of allowing the responsibility on who was making the choices that got me labled as lazy, and a few other choice words. There came a day when I finally said-"..move anywhere you like, but I'm done" and I stayed put--well at least in the same county.
In the early days I would come up with fun ways to make the kids think it was a game and we would play music and sing and whatever else I could think of to distract them. Often I really never had much notice about the looming geographical fix...it was just kind of announced..."WE ARE MOVING". The box gathering was even fun...and you cannot believe how good they got at dumpster diving.
My friend Tim helped me so much---and once after I had cried over the last move and shared about how upset I was to have lost contact with all my friends, and him too....he asked me "Do you realize how gifted and amazing you are that you have been able to keep up with all this havoc and upheaval? Do you even know what a skill it is to move with 3-4 or even 5 kids, with little to no resources?" he continued to turn my thoughts to the positive by adding..."you have kept everyone together, moving all the essentials and as well as keeping the family intact emotionally. You were a magician of sorts...making it all come back together, in a travel trailer, or someone elses house or where ever he would have you land."
I had always seen my life as a failure, job after job, change after change, loss after loss---only to see that those lessons would lead to skills that help me in handling so many of lifes challenges today. My brain works fast, and sees a solution to most crisis points without even a hiccup. I can see the route around a problem and do it with poise and calm. I dont say that to brag but only to be grateful in some form for those crazy times when life was so not like it is now!
The stability that is the framework of my days at home, work and everywere else keeps me calm. I rarely ever get ruffled feathers and if I ever do, its not long before I get past whatever the drama is. The ramifications of all the changes will be felt for years in the kids lives. How many diferent schools did they attend? How many changes in friends, zip codes....well just everything. How many changes in the job story, how many lost friends, and how much pain?
Now I hope you understand that I am not talking about the normal process of moving...although it can be traumatic on a child....it is something most kids can rebound from because of the stability that is in place before and after the move. I am refering to a different type of relocation. There is one time I remember that the repo man was there to repossess the car I had just loaded all the kids and their underwear and clothing in. I had no idea that the payments had not been made, but was brought up to speed real fast.
Im still not sure how we ended up after each disaster in one piece, but somehow I got it done. And every single time, I managed to help create the rebound, the restart, the do-over. I did that! And did it well enough that the memories the kids now share and relate is that --it was always an adventure. Of course I never wanted or tried to let them see the tears, the fears, the shame in where our failures were. I kept them away from the evictions, and bad things as much as possible. I did that.
I was reminded that being able to create a happy home is an art, and keeping a somewhat normal life for my kids amongst all of the chaos nothing short of magic or a miracle. The best part of all--they are all pretty happy, well adjusted and functioning adults...although the jury remains out on the 13 year old...but all signs are good.
It's not always often that someone can look back on life and change the way they see things...but Tim gave that gift to me. He helped me see things in a way that took away most of the pain that had hung on to my memories for what seemed like forever. Now I can remember traveling on the next adventures road with my kids and be grateful for my strengths. I loose more and more of anger and regrets of the past, because I know all those lessons brought me to here.
There are still days where unecessary drama and juvenille games make me tired and breathes new breathe to my drama queen. But I dont let her out to play for long. And on most days when she shows up I understand completely that it is a sign that something needs to change. I get so weary of people who say things never will, but then they really don't know my history. They have little knowledge of the power of directed change that I have experienced. They are stuck in the way its always been world and are accepting that people can't or won't move forward. But I am here to tell you I have lived through some scary stuff, and I am not scared, even in the slightest of change. As a matter of fact, whenever someone tells me I can't change it, I only need to think back at all I have done, and know it ain't no big thing for me...it's just the next move, or adventure. And when it is all said and done...thats how they will see it too!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Feelings are not facts....
(this was a post on my friend Angie's post a few days ago--so got me to thinking about what is going on in my life right now)
I'm not sure I completely understand everything about the feelings that come and go through my days, but I am closer than I could have ever imagined at managing the ups and downs.
I understand that there are always going to be those times when the past life of insecurity and pain clouds a time of my day if not a whole one from time to time. Those old feelings of not feeling good enough, and not secure in my person are uncomfortable. They bring a sadness that although I cannot forget, its so hard sometimes to remember. The fact that I may allow others to take away those times of sureness that I was meant to be here, meant to be happy and loved beyond belief, I can barely fathom. Not only does it confound me, it boggles the mind that those who find their way into our lives and are given a part of our heart, would then think its acceptable at any minute to tear any piece of that confidence away.
But in the living of life with those like ourselves who are not only imperfect, but often do not understand or care to understand that their choices can affect everyone around them, there are bound to be emotions that then move us to make choices about our involvement with them. I have had moments where the emotions not only color my present moment, they remind me of times when it felt as if I would never feel any relief.
I hate those times, but that brings me to the reason for my blog~erapy today. I love so much of what is in my life, and I completely understand that things, situations and people who bring up those old emotions are simply here to remind me of the things I DON'T want in my reality, but that doesn't make those emotions and feelings that they bring up any less real. So the question comes up--how do I know that they are old emotions/feelings? Because the feeling that I am less than I know that I am is of the past, the emotion of sadness that brings tears to my eyes without any real loss to be dealing with in this present, can only be of those times that I have worked so hard to put behind me. I have come to understand that I create my life, and since that discovery, I would never create those feelings for myself ever again. Not only that, but there is no thing that is going on that would validate the emotions of this day. Why does it happen? Not really sure...it must be an emotional memory that something has triggered. It more than likely is related to someone in my life that needs to be given distance because their actions are causing someone I care about harm. It could be that some relational drama has drug up some part of my history that still needs to be dealt with---and put to rest once and for all.
There really is no way to know for sure and kind of crazy that there can even be emotions and feelings that can't be directly labled to the thing that creates them. But I find that it is true for me from time to time. But the most wonderful thing about my life today and the old life as I like to call it, is that it only takes a decision by me to move past those old emotions and get headed back to the new life.
Within just a few hours of the feelings that even brought on this session of writing to recovery, I was feeling better and spending time with people who validate my intentions and share their smiles with me. I know where most of these feelings are dragging up from. I now understand also those people who are responsible for hitting those triggers. Only thing left to is to make a decision as to whether those who are causing the harm and drama are allowed to stay or if they are removed until they can play nicer.
I also have been reminded with the wisdom of a very dear friend, that if you love someone, you agree to love all of them. And while this is completely true, there has to be some boundaries and decisons on what behavior is acceptable. Not only that, I have removed a few from the inner circle over the last few years, due to similar acts and harm created towards others, and I don't like them any less. I just have to make sure that my right to be happy and my decisions on what is acceptable is honored. I can allow you to behave however you choose, but when your choices cause harm and bad feelings its time to put a little distance and see if we can both move forward. I have never stopped caring about anyone who has graced my life, but I know a bad decision when I see it, and those who would use people and love things are living a lifestyle that just does not sit well with me. I also maintain that someone who truely is working towards love for me or others would not intentionally set out to create drama and cause the hurt that I am reacting to.
I don't even have to be right, I only have to feel that the presence of someone who is lugging around drama and directing some if towards me or anyone I love...well its time to push 'em back just far enough to get some clarity.
It doesn't have to mean that I am turning my back on them, nor does it mean that they have to change. If someone is happy with their life full of drama and people stepping back because they do not want to be hurt then I wish them well. By all means you are always allowed to live your life as you see fit! But you know what, so am I!
I find it unacceptable to allow you to hurt anyone I care about. I find it outside of right if you are lying, cheating or abusing someone elses generosity. I hate those actions, not necessarily the actor. But I just wonder why someone would think that having a point in the win column is a good thing when so many others who lost, were the reason we were able to even play the game.
At the end of each time when the emotions or feelings are bringing up the past, I can make a decision to remember that feelings are not facts. Emotions are those signals that something is completely right or horribly wrong. And since those two are just chemical reactions in our mind and body, we can turn towards those things that are facts to dismiss the other.
FACT 1-I love my life, and each decision I make is moving me closer to the reality that is all about my happiness.
FACT 2-No one can take advantage of me or make me feel less than worthy without my permission.
FACT 3-I have so many things to be grateful for...things, people, meaningful work, smiles, love.
FACT 4-Moving someone back to distance myself from the harm that they are causing is not a violation to them or thier rights. It is an act of love that honors myself and creates more calm and happiness in my future.
FACT 5-Feelings and emotions are the hearts way of signaling that something is right or wrong. If it is a good feeling we should want and work for more. If it is a bad feeling we need to recognize the trigger and take the necessary steps to unload that gun.
We are meant to feel joy, love and excitement at each milestone of our lives. The bad emotions are not just happening to us, they are there to let us know that we have allowed something to be in our lives that is unacceptable to our hearts. I love the good stuff, and even though I had to go through some of the bad stuff to get here, is is completely my decision to ever or never go there again. There are enough real things that happen in life that can bring us sadness, but that emotion is due to a real loss, not a created harm from someone who either doesnt know how to love or is just doing it very badly.
Feelings are not facts, but it is a fact that I am feeling better and better about life...and
I'm not sure I completely understand everything about the feelings that come and go through my days, but I am closer than I could have ever imagined at managing the ups and downs.
I understand that there are always going to be those times when the past life of insecurity and pain clouds a time of my day if not a whole one from time to time. Those old feelings of not feeling good enough, and not secure in my person are uncomfortable. They bring a sadness that although I cannot forget, its so hard sometimes to remember. The fact that I may allow others to take away those times of sureness that I was meant to be here, meant to be happy and loved beyond belief, I can barely fathom. Not only does it confound me, it boggles the mind that those who find their way into our lives and are given a part of our heart, would then think its acceptable at any minute to tear any piece of that confidence away.
But in the living of life with those like ourselves who are not only imperfect, but often do not understand or care to understand that their choices can affect everyone around them, there are bound to be emotions that then move us to make choices about our involvement with them. I have had moments where the emotions not only color my present moment, they remind me of times when it felt as if I would never feel any relief.
I hate those times, but that brings me to the reason for my blog~erapy today. I love so much of what is in my life, and I completely understand that things, situations and people who bring up those old emotions are simply here to remind me of the things I DON'T want in my reality, but that doesn't make those emotions and feelings that they bring up any less real. So the question comes up--how do I know that they are old emotions/feelings? Because the feeling that I am less than I know that I am is of the past, the emotion of sadness that brings tears to my eyes without any real loss to be dealing with in this present, can only be of those times that I have worked so hard to put behind me. I have come to understand that I create my life, and since that discovery, I would never create those feelings for myself ever again. Not only that, but there is no thing that is going on that would validate the emotions of this day. Why does it happen? Not really sure...it must be an emotional memory that something has triggered. It more than likely is related to someone in my life that needs to be given distance because their actions are causing someone I care about harm. It could be that some relational drama has drug up some part of my history that still needs to be dealt with---and put to rest once and for all.
There really is no way to know for sure and kind of crazy that there can even be emotions and feelings that can't be directly labled to the thing that creates them. But I find that it is true for me from time to time. But the most wonderful thing about my life today and the old life as I like to call it, is that it only takes a decision by me to move past those old emotions and get headed back to the new life.
Within just a few hours of the feelings that even brought on this session of writing to recovery, I was feeling better and spending time with people who validate my intentions and share their smiles with me. I know where most of these feelings are dragging up from. I now understand also those people who are responsible for hitting those triggers. Only thing left to is to make a decision as to whether those who are causing the harm and drama are allowed to stay or if they are removed until they can play nicer.
I also have been reminded with the wisdom of a very dear friend, that if you love someone, you agree to love all of them. And while this is completely true, there has to be some boundaries and decisons on what behavior is acceptable. Not only that, I have removed a few from the inner circle over the last few years, due to similar acts and harm created towards others, and I don't like them any less. I just have to make sure that my right to be happy and my decisions on what is acceptable is honored. I can allow you to behave however you choose, but when your choices cause harm and bad feelings its time to put a little distance and see if we can both move forward. I have never stopped caring about anyone who has graced my life, but I know a bad decision when I see it, and those who would use people and love things are living a lifestyle that just does not sit well with me. I also maintain that someone who truely is working towards love for me or others would not intentionally set out to create drama and cause the hurt that I am reacting to.
I don't even have to be right, I only have to feel that the presence of someone who is lugging around drama and directing some if towards me or anyone I love...well its time to push 'em back just far enough to get some clarity.
It doesn't have to mean that I am turning my back on them, nor does it mean that they have to change. If someone is happy with their life full of drama and people stepping back because they do not want to be hurt then I wish them well. By all means you are always allowed to live your life as you see fit! But you know what, so am I!
I find it unacceptable to allow you to hurt anyone I care about. I find it outside of right if you are lying, cheating or abusing someone elses generosity. I hate those actions, not necessarily the actor. But I just wonder why someone would think that having a point in the win column is a good thing when so many others who lost, were the reason we were able to even play the game.
At the end of each time when the emotions or feelings are bringing up the past, I can make a decision to remember that feelings are not facts. Emotions are those signals that something is completely right or horribly wrong. And since those two are just chemical reactions in our mind and body, we can turn towards those things that are facts to dismiss the other.
FACT 1-I love my life, and each decision I make is moving me closer to the reality that is all about my happiness.
FACT 2-No one can take advantage of me or make me feel less than worthy without my permission.
FACT 3-I have so many things to be grateful for...things, people, meaningful work, smiles, love.
FACT 4-Moving someone back to distance myself from the harm that they are causing is not a violation to them or thier rights. It is an act of love that honors myself and creates more calm and happiness in my future.
FACT 5-Feelings and emotions are the hearts way of signaling that something is right or wrong. If it is a good feeling we should want and work for more. If it is a bad feeling we need to recognize the trigger and take the necessary steps to unload that gun.
We are meant to feel joy, love and excitement at each milestone of our lives. The bad emotions are not just happening to us, they are there to let us know that we have allowed something to be in our lives that is unacceptable to our hearts. I love the good stuff, and even though I had to go through some of the bad stuff to get here, is is completely my decision to ever or never go there again. There are enough real things that happen in life that can bring us sadness, but that emotion is due to a real loss, not a created harm from someone who either doesnt know how to love or is just doing it very badly.
Feelings are not facts, but it is a fact that I am feeling better and better about life...and
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Enjoy your minutes and don't live out in front of or behind your life!!
Facebook Post -1/29/2011
I know you have heard all the words of wisdom about living in the moment...but I thought I would share my perspective. I had a former life, one that was filled with worry, regrets, anger and fear. Worry and fear are about living in or being afraid of your future. Anger and regrets are tying yourself to the past. I was so out of my present for most of my previous life that I was sad or miserable most of the time. I had allowed my life to be guided by someone elses desires and moral compass...and to say we were lost most of the time would have been an understatement. It was tough. Sometimes the worries were so big they consumed me, and most of the time they were real...where were we going to live, how long would the employment last, am I going to be able to buy groceries, will the kids get new school clothes and what about Christmas?
The concerns never seemed to stop. It wasnt because life had to be hard, its just that someone had made it that way, and I did not know how to go back and fix it. I worried not only about tomorrow, but next week, the light bill, the next birthday...sometimes even the next meal. Becuase of the choices in my life, it felt as though I had no control, so there was nothing left to do but worry, fear, regret or be angry. I was lost and did not know how to find my way to here.
It was a pretty scary way to live. But in reality when it was all said and done, not one minute of those spent worrying ever helped a thing. I just could not get a handle on all those crazy things that were going on and affecting our stability. I have always been a bit hardheaded, and my committments mean something to me. So when I said I do, I didnt think it was ok to say now I dont. I kept trying and trying and trying, until one day when the schemes and the not so legal wranglings became too much. I had finally found a way to get my family home...close to my family and when the " hey we should move's" began, I said no! Move all you like, but as far as I am concerned...this is where I will be.
That was both the beginning of the end and the beginning of the do-over. And to be honest although the path has been rough at times and I have sometimes cried myself to sleep over the changes, I have not regretted the last act of the play.
Now fast forward to today, there are no more crisis moments. There are no more waiting on those phone calls from people who felt like they had been cheated and were out to get even. There are no more dramas at all. It is life, with ups and downs and smiles and tears....but not a moment of it do I regret.
And life is so great now, people come into my life and they stay. They play and share and laugh and care. Sometimes we cry and work and do crazy things we just wont mention here. But at the end of the day---the only storms brewing are those stirred up by people I dont rely on. They are drama centered just as I used to be and until they decide as I did or even if they never do, their life is going to always look like a mess.
I have been called out on the drama comments more than once, and often you can hear me explaining the difference between real life and drama. So here goes just for the record, one more time....Life is full of ups and downs, or as one of my former bosses used to tell me opportunities to problem solve and create an answer. Drama is when you let your emotional connection to whatever is going on in your life spill onto everyone else and you emotional play act until someone else solves the problem or it self corrects and life moves on. There is a movement of life...it is forever pushing us to the next opportunity...to do with it what we will. Life is the play, the drama is our emotional reaction to it. I never have really found that drama or worry did anything for me other than push some pretty amazing people that I cared about away, or self perpetuate itself to the next drama.
I also believe that we call into our life what we want to experience. We are seeking a new job, love or adventure...resumes dont just send themselves out, dates arent being set for us, tickets to the bahamas dont just appear...and if they do I think I have been cheated a little...im just sayin!
We are drawn and hold close those people who have something we admire. Their smile, honesty or they are just great to look at. We can be, do and have anything we want, if we have a belief that it can be so and we are not busy using our creative skills to create just empty dramas for entertainments or attentions sake.
I dont know where I found my drama queen or even understand how I let her take over in that old life, but boy when I got her pegged, we began working towards her retirement at lightening speed. I don't miss her much, sometimes when I am watching some of the really good ones play act around me, I miss her....and I have been known on occassion to let her come out and play if only for a moment or two. She was a very entertaining personality. But she just wasnt the real me...she was all drama, all the time.
I love that I have found myself, my confidence and my heart. I love that when I speak to friends new or old that it is my voice and story they hear. I love that when I create a solution to a problem that it is done. I love that I no longer have to depend on any others dramas to damage my life. I love too that the decisions that I make today are mostly good ones, once correcting the craziness, most things just work themselves out, I learn from the answers and get better at seeing that no problem comes without answers. I really think that is what they were trying to teach in algebra---not so much math as problem solving.
I know that I havent got it any better or worse then anyone else. But I dont measure my life by your successes anyway. You are creating your reality just the same as I. It would be silly for me to be jealous of what you have created for yourself or even crazier if I wanted all that you have. Your life is yours and I love that you are making it something wonderful and that you invite me to share in it. But I dont want yours...I want what is meant for me.
I am happy almost 24/7/365---and on those rare occasions that I let someone get me off course it only helps me more clearly define those things and people I want in my life. Each time these blog-notes get written I smile a little more...because the thoughts are real and in black and white. Not only can I go back a read them...it helps me understand that I dont move backwards. The progress I have made is mint to keep forever. I may go back and play in worry and drama for a minute, but that doesnt make me have to go back to that life...only helps me remember why I wont go back. I appreciate so much also those who read the lessons and get out of it something that helps them. And if not helping them, gives them a view of me that they can relate to. It never ceases to amaze me those who stop me in WalMart or work or where ever we happen to be and mention what I write. I love that you get something out of my blog~erapy, because this little gift to myself helps me more and more everyday.
I dont even post all of them...sometimes the reality of what I write calls someone out. Sometimes it would not serve a purpose other than be a jab to them...and that is never my intention. Although sometimes it might be due course to give them a good swift kick. My intentions are only to help and to never harm anyone with my words or my actions...just make sure you are respecting that intention when you impact those I care about... and in case you are missing that...you are someone I care about. Dont do anything that negatively impacts you either.
We can prepave and have good feelings toward our future, choosing a life that is drama free, but when we live there in tomorrow or worry...thinking that the only way we are happy is for the story to end in a certian way, the relationship to go the perfect distance, or the party to never end....we are stuck in never.
We never live in tomorrow only in the minute we are in.
ok---no more...Im out !
I know you have heard all the words of wisdom about living in the moment...but I thought I would share my perspective. I had a former life, one that was filled with worry, regrets, anger and fear. Worry and fear are about living in or being afraid of your future. Anger and regrets are tying yourself to the past. I was so out of my present for most of my previous life that I was sad or miserable most of the time. I had allowed my life to be guided by someone elses desires and moral compass...and to say we were lost most of the time would have been an understatement. It was tough. Sometimes the worries were so big they consumed me, and most of the time they were real...where were we going to live, how long would the employment last, am I going to be able to buy groceries, will the kids get new school clothes and what about Christmas?
The concerns never seemed to stop. It wasnt because life had to be hard, its just that someone had made it that way, and I did not know how to go back and fix it. I worried not only about tomorrow, but next week, the light bill, the next birthday...sometimes even the next meal. Becuase of the choices in my life, it felt as though I had no control, so there was nothing left to do but worry, fear, regret or be angry. I was lost and did not know how to find my way to here.
It was a pretty scary way to live. But in reality when it was all said and done, not one minute of those spent worrying ever helped a thing. I just could not get a handle on all those crazy things that were going on and affecting our stability. I have always been a bit hardheaded, and my committments mean something to me. So when I said I do, I didnt think it was ok to say now I dont. I kept trying and trying and trying, until one day when the schemes and the not so legal wranglings became too much. I had finally found a way to get my family home...close to my family and when the " hey we should move's" began, I said no! Move all you like, but as far as I am concerned...this is where I will be.
That was both the beginning of the end and the beginning of the do-over. And to be honest although the path has been rough at times and I have sometimes cried myself to sleep over the changes, I have not regretted the last act of the play.
Now fast forward to today, there are no more crisis moments. There are no more waiting on those phone calls from people who felt like they had been cheated and were out to get even. There are no more dramas at all. It is life, with ups and downs and smiles and tears....but not a moment of it do I regret.
And life is so great now, people come into my life and they stay. They play and share and laugh and care. Sometimes we cry and work and do crazy things we just wont mention here. But at the end of the day---the only storms brewing are those stirred up by people I dont rely on. They are drama centered just as I used to be and until they decide as I did or even if they never do, their life is going to always look like a mess.
I have been called out on the drama comments more than once, and often you can hear me explaining the difference between real life and drama. So here goes just for the record, one more time....Life is full of ups and downs, or as one of my former bosses used to tell me opportunities to problem solve and create an answer. Drama is when you let your emotional connection to whatever is going on in your life spill onto everyone else and you emotional play act until someone else solves the problem or it self corrects and life moves on. There is a movement of life...it is forever pushing us to the next opportunity...to do with it what we will. Life is the play, the drama is our emotional reaction to it. I never have really found that drama or worry did anything for me other than push some pretty amazing people that I cared about away, or self perpetuate itself to the next drama.
I also believe that we call into our life what we want to experience. We are seeking a new job, love or adventure...resumes dont just send themselves out, dates arent being set for us, tickets to the bahamas dont just appear...and if they do I think I have been cheated a little...im just sayin!
We are drawn and hold close those people who have something we admire. Their smile, honesty or they are just great to look at. We can be, do and have anything we want, if we have a belief that it can be so and we are not busy using our creative skills to create just empty dramas for entertainments or attentions sake.
I dont know where I found my drama queen or even understand how I let her take over in that old life, but boy when I got her pegged, we began working towards her retirement at lightening speed. I don't miss her much, sometimes when I am watching some of the really good ones play act around me, I miss her....and I have been known on occassion to let her come out and play if only for a moment or two. She was a very entertaining personality. But she just wasnt the real me...she was all drama, all the time.
I love that I have found myself, my confidence and my heart. I love that when I speak to friends new or old that it is my voice and story they hear. I love that when I create a solution to a problem that it is done. I love that I no longer have to depend on any others dramas to damage my life. I love too that the decisions that I make today are mostly good ones, once correcting the craziness, most things just work themselves out, I learn from the answers and get better at seeing that no problem comes without answers. I really think that is what they were trying to teach in algebra---not so much math as problem solving.
I know that I havent got it any better or worse then anyone else. But I dont measure my life by your successes anyway. You are creating your reality just the same as I. It would be silly for me to be jealous of what you have created for yourself or even crazier if I wanted all that you have. Your life is yours and I love that you are making it something wonderful and that you invite me to share in it. But I dont want yours...I want what is meant for me.
I am happy almost 24/7/365---and on those rare occasions that I let someone get me off course it only helps me more clearly define those things and people I want in my life. Each time these blog-notes get written I smile a little more...because the thoughts are real and in black and white. Not only can I go back a read them...it helps me understand that I dont move backwards. The progress I have made is mint to keep forever. I may go back and play in worry and drama for a minute, but that doesnt make me have to go back to that life...only helps me remember why I wont go back. I appreciate so much also those who read the lessons and get out of it something that helps them. And if not helping them, gives them a view of me that they can relate to. It never ceases to amaze me those who stop me in WalMart or work or where ever we happen to be and mention what I write. I love that you get something out of my blog~erapy, because this little gift to myself helps me more and more everyday.
I dont even post all of them...sometimes the reality of what I write calls someone out. Sometimes it would not serve a purpose other than be a jab to them...and that is never my intention. Although sometimes it might be due course to give them a good swift kick. My intentions are only to help and to never harm anyone with my words or my actions...just make sure you are respecting that intention when you impact those I care about... and in case you are missing that...you are someone I care about. Dont do anything that negatively impacts you either.
We can prepave and have good feelings toward our future, choosing a life that is drama free, but when we live there in tomorrow or worry...thinking that the only way we are happy is for the story to end in a certian way, the relationship to go the perfect distance, or the party to never end....we are stuck in never.
We never live in tomorrow only in the minute we are in.
ok---no more...Im out !
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sometimes its just hard being me...
.by Pamela Smith Masters on Tuesday, February 8, 2011 at 11:05am.
I can remember a time when I did not understand life, I was full of drama, everything was a crisis and it seemed like I was forever alone. Even when there were other people in the room, I felt so alone. It's a long journey to here and I have some amazing people to thank for my coming into myself. But even today, because of my life choices, I sometimes still feel alone, but I am ok with that.
I don't do the people pleasing thing at all...and sometimes this gets me labeled as harsh...but you know, those who were strong enough to hit me with the truth with both barrels, not only saved me but they made my life what it is. I am forever grateful for their in my face reality check. Because before turning down this road I am on, I was so clueless and I didn't really like me. First it was Tim...gosh I miss him, he left this life for his celestial discharge last year. But his life lessons that he gifted to me have meant more than anyone will ever know...he literally gave me my second life. (I know mom gave the first). And then there is my Bridge---you will not ever meet anyone more generous with brutal honesty...but it was so much a gift to me. I tease a little because the gifts of healing, grace and kindness she showed me at a very low point in my life were more meaningful that most every gift I have ever been given. Through their sharing of their life lessons I have learned what love is, and what it means to love unconditionally. I have learned that love of oneself is the only way to love others. I have learned that loving does not mean ownership nor dose it diminish the responsibility of that love.
but I digress...back to the original thought...This real and harsh truth of life as I see it is this...its what I make of it. There are so many of the old cliches that apply and a person on a journey can spend a crazy amount of time tearing the words apart and finding meaning...but in the end its what they mean to me that matters. Like the quote "Love means never having to say you are sorry", I know several people who think this means that if someone loves me then when I screw up I don't have to say I'm sorry---they should just know. I have a little different take---when you love someone, doing something that would cause them harm, change how they feel about you or forever take away from their joy is something you just can't do...so you would never have to say sorry.
I could pick apart so many of them, but in truth when I set about my 13 year journey to myself, I listened differently. I learned to hear what people mean--not just what they are saying. I learned to pick up on those who were just good at using others words for deflection and games. It's not always fun---but I cannot even think about going back to the life before. There is a part of the self that can get caught up in the drama, the game of saying things to get others attention and well in my opinion just behaving like a teenager. But the freedom of not having to keep up with what story I told you or the version that I shared with someone else, means that I am able to find joy in almost every moment. I would never trade this for that older version of life....I wouldn't even know how to go back.
But this brings me to the part of my self that others think is one of two things...they either appreciate it because it is so true, or they hate it because it is so true. If you are working towards living an authentic life, you have been blessed with the inate understanding that you are a piece of God and worthy of all the joys and gifts of this journey or someone has slapped you upside the head so you could understand it(what happeed to me) then you already know what I am talking about. If you haven't, then by all means bring your drama over and sit by me...and just ask me to tell you the truth. I may ask if you you are sure you want the truth, but I will be happy to share my understanding. Because I know what is on the other side. I think we probably all come into ourselves in a different way, some are able to be moving along the path without any other input needed, they have an inate knowing and honesty that I was not blessed with...I had to go down the bumpy road to find all that makes me smile today. Some do it with their church, or religion, some do it with their cause and some have to have medical attention and support...it doesnt matter...and its not even required, but as far as I am concerned it is the only way to live.
I have been beating myself up a little lately, because sometimes when I try to help, the part of me that is all about the tough love and this is what I hear you really saying, can certainly piss someone off. But like I said I can't go back. I can't tell you everything is going to be fine, that it doesnt matter what you do, you can just keep hurting people I care about. I can't let you off the hook that easy.
Here is the truth of it as I see it. You get some blame cards when you are a kid...its my parents fault, its my teachers fault, its my whoevers fault...but they all expire when you turn 18. What ever you get out of this life, whatever bumps in your road, whatever drama you find is because of you. Please don't hate me cause Im honest, but its true. Nothing in this life is just happening to you. If you could just see it the way it was put to me, I would hope the clouds would lift for you as they did me. I can still remember the first day after my drama decades that I actually saw the sun...not the dang its too bright and hurting my eyes sun...but my sun. The glorious orb that lights my days and glows in my moon sun. The solar power that sometimes I just sit in its warmth because its mine sun. You have a choice at every minute of your life to see the good, really in every second and its all about your choices. You can contribute a piece of yourself to each place you find yourself in. You have a story, you have a joy, you have a light in you that was meant to be a part of this world. You can choose to be sad that someone has left your life or you can be happy for the time they were a part of it. You can be sad that your plate is empty or be grateful for the meal that just filled you up. It's your decision in each second of your life. You can be grateful that you have another Monday to start a great week, or you can be sad it's Monday and your weekend is over. You can be sad or happy at any second and it's all your choice.
I am getting older and whille I see the years on my face, I dont really feel them anymore. I dont regret the changes in my body that come with age or with the bearing of my children. I do however have a hate for the gray hair...and Ms. Clairol is still my best friend. But I dont have any other regrets....except...no wait--nope not that either.
I love every person that has graced my life. Every single one. It's not a small thing loving someone that you by all rights and history should hate. But when you do...when you find that grace that allows you to be grateful for what they gave you no matter what that is, you release yourself. But you gotta know you invited them in to play...you allowed them to share you moments whether they were short or years...you made that choice. Hate and discontent for someone else only imprisons the one holding the hate.
Recently my all too honest approach to life spilled out onto someone else, because I wanted to help. But sometimes, someone can be stuck and think and behave as if they are at an age when they still have some of those blame cards. Maybe they can't see the expiration date, or they just don't want to. Either way they are sure that their life's misery is someone elses fault. I'm sorry to tell you it aint so. I think we spend way too much money and way too much time trying to find happiness, purchase it or even just rent it for a time. But it costs nothing to have happiness...you simply choose it. If you think I am wrong, try this--the next time you feel that bit of anger or disappointment creeping over your sunlight...stop! Evaluate the situation--try really hard to find one aspect of it to label as good. I double dog dare you! Then tell me you didn't feel better!
I have been homeless, and had to rely on friends to support me while I found my legs. I have been devasted beyond belief because of the actions of others, I have been places I never have to or want to go again...but I went there. I chose to turn down that road or allowed someone else to drive me. When you take personal responsibility for your life, you also get the keys to the car to drive from here. Your choices today will shape your tomorrows. Your honesty in this second will shape how everything in your life is true. When you set about being honest with yourself, no one can ever lie to you again. You will see their lies instantly and they will see that you see them. Sooner or later the lies will stop--or you just won't be able to hear them anymore. I never knew that being honest with myself would also give me a virtual lie detector...its a little creepy really, to know its not true even if the other person doesn't. It also saves you so much more drama in the future.
I hope that I am just preaching to the choir, I hope that most of those I know have this understanding and they are just standing on their chairs and cheering because I finally get it...but if not, I hope they figure it out soon. I don't have to have anything to be happy, in fact to best understand this you only have to look at those who have less than you do. Do you think that they don't have joy because they don't have the perfect house, or job or car---well some might be sad because they don't have those things...but the ones who are living their lives and have found out that they have the same minutes you and I do to LIVE this life are smiling. We are not human-havings we are human-beings. Find something in your day that you can label as your joy. If its not your job then its for the time you are not at your job. If its your kids...have more kids or play with others kids. If its your pets then do more with your pets...if its your sun...then just be in the sun. Find the being that you are and share your joy with yourself. Don't hide it in the next thing you will own or time you will spend....put it in your pocket and use it up in every second. No matter the place you have driven yourself too...own it, find joy in it and live--or be who you were meant to be. But most importantly don't do things to those you love expecting forgiveness to be your eraser. You can never remove scars completely, and if you think of your decisions like you are throwing knives and that when you aim at someone else you might just hit them....then maybe you can see that every decision has consequences. And if your decisions have this effect, just know that everyones decisions that involve you can leave the same scars. Even more importantly your decisions--even the small ones can leave a scar on you too!
I love you...each and everyone of you. I love that you are a part of my life whether you read what I write or not. I love that you are so good at sharing your joy or sadness, either way it helps me. I also want to say something else, I believe that you don't have to get any lessons out of life. You can just live. I do not sit in judgement of others choices...but please if you are happy being miserable then dont tell me you want help to be happy...cause I take all requests as serious. I just gotta learn to say no more...so no more today! I am headed out to feel my sun, find my joy and share with everyone who graces my life today. Hope I see you!
I can remember a time when I did not understand life, I was full of drama, everything was a crisis and it seemed like I was forever alone. Even when there were other people in the room, I felt so alone. It's a long journey to here and I have some amazing people to thank for my coming into myself. But even today, because of my life choices, I sometimes still feel alone, but I am ok with that.
I don't do the people pleasing thing at all...and sometimes this gets me labeled as harsh...but you know, those who were strong enough to hit me with the truth with both barrels, not only saved me but they made my life what it is. I am forever grateful for their in my face reality check. Because before turning down this road I am on, I was so clueless and I didn't really like me. First it was Tim...gosh I miss him, he left this life for his celestial discharge last year. But his life lessons that he gifted to me have meant more than anyone will ever know...he literally gave me my second life. (I know mom gave the first). And then there is my Bridge---you will not ever meet anyone more generous with brutal honesty...but it was so much a gift to me. I tease a little because the gifts of healing, grace and kindness she showed me at a very low point in my life were more meaningful that most every gift I have ever been given. Through their sharing of their life lessons I have learned what love is, and what it means to love unconditionally. I have learned that love of oneself is the only way to love others. I have learned that loving does not mean ownership nor dose it diminish the responsibility of that love.
but I digress...back to the original thought...This real and harsh truth of life as I see it is this...its what I make of it. There are so many of the old cliches that apply and a person on a journey can spend a crazy amount of time tearing the words apart and finding meaning...but in the end its what they mean to me that matters. Like the quote "Love means never having to say you are sorry", I know several people who think this means that if someone loves me then when I screw up I don't have to say I'm sorry---they should just know. I have a little different take---when you love someone, doing something that would cause them harm, change how they feel about you or forever take away from their joy is something you just can't do...so you would never have to say sorry.
I could pick apart so many of them, but in truth when I set about my 13 year journey to myself, I listened differently. I learned to hear what people mean--not just what they are saying. I learned to pick up on those who were just good at using others words for deflection and games. It's not always fun---but I cannot even think about going back to the life before. There is a part of the self that can get caught up in the drama, the game of saying things to get others attention and well in my opinion just behaving like a teenager. But the freedom of not having to keep up with what story I told you or the version that I shared with someone else, means that I am able to find joy in almost every moment. I would never trade this for that older version of life....I wouldn't even know how to go back.
But this brings me to the part of my self that others think is one of two things...they either appreciate it because it is so true, or they hate it because it is so true. If you are working towards living an authentic life, you have been blessed with the inate understanding that you are a piece of God and worthy of all the joys and gifts of this journey or someone has slapped you upside the head so you could understand it(what happeed to me) then you already know what I am talking about. If you haven't, then by all means bring your drama over and sit by me...and just ask me to tell you the truth. I may ask if you you are sure you want the truth, but I will be happy to share my understanding. Because I know what is on the other side. I think we probably all come into ourselves in a different way, some are able to be moving along the path without any other input needed, they have an inate knowing and honesty that I was not blessed with...I had to go down the bumpy road to find all that makes me smile today. Some do it with their church, or religion, some do it with their cause and some have to have medical attention and support...it doesnt matter...and its not even required, but as far as I am concerned it is the only way to live.
I have been beating myself up a little lately, because sometimes when I try to help, the part of me that is all about the tough love and this is what I hear you really saying, can certainly piss someone off. But like I said I can't go back. I can't tell you everything is going to be fine, that it doesnt matter what you do, you can just keep hurting people I care about. I can't let you off the hook that easy.
Here is the truth of it as I see it. You get some blame cards when you are a kid...its my parents fault, its my teachers fault, its my whoevers fault...but they all expire when you turn 18. What ever you get out of this life, whatever bumps in your road, whatever drama you find is because of you. Please don't hate me cause Im honest, but its true. Nothing in this life is just happening to you. If you could just see it the way it was put to me, I would hope the clouds would lift for you as they did me. I can still remember the first day after my drama decades that I actually saw the sun...not the dang its too bright and hurting my eyes sun...but my sun. The glorious orb that lights my days and glows in my moon sun. The solar power that sometimes I just sit in its warmth because its mine sun. You have a choice at every minute of your life to see the good, really in every second and its all about your choices. You can contribute a piece of yourself to each place you find yourself in. You have a story, you have a joy, you have a light in you that was meant to be a part of this world. You can choose to be sad that someone has left your life or you can be happy for the time they were a part of it. You can be sad that your plate is empty or be grateful for the meal that just filled you up. It's your decision in each second of your life. You can be grateful that you have another Monday to start a great week, or you can be sad it's Monday and your weekend is over. You can be sad or happy at any second and it's all your choice.
I am getting older and whille I see the years on my face, I dont really feel them anymore. I dont regret the changes in my body that come with age or with the bearing of my children. I do however have a hate for the gray hair...and Ms. Clairol is still my best friend. But I dont have any other regrets....except...no wait--nope not that either.
I love every person that has graced my life. Every single one. It's not a small thing loving someone that you by all rights and history should hate. But when you do...when you find that grace that allows you to be grateful for what they gave you no matter what that is, you release yourself. But you gotta know you invited them in to play...you allowed them to share you moments whether they were short or years...you made that choice. Hate and discontent for someone else only imprisons the one holding the hate.
Recently my all too honest approach to life spilled out onto someone else, because I wanted to help. But sometimes, someone can be stuck and think and behave as if they are at an age when they still have some of those blame cards. Maybe they can't see the expiration date, or they just don't want to. Either way they are sure that their life's misery is someone elses fault. I'm sorry to tell you it aint so. I think we spend way too much money and way too much time trying to find happiness, purchase it or even just rent it for a time. But it costs nothing to have happiness...you simply choose it. If you think I am wrong, try this--the next time you feel that bit of anger or disappointment creeping over your sunlight...stop! Evaluate the situation--try really hard to find one aspect of it to label as good. I double dog dare you! Then tell me you didn't feel better!
I have been homeless, and had to rely on friends to support me while I found my legs. I have been devasted beyond belief because of the actions of others, I have been places I never have to or want to go again...but I went there. I chose to turn down that road or allowed someone else to drive me. When you take personal responsibility for your life, you also get the keys to the car to drive from here. Your choices today will shape your tomorrows. Your honesty in this second will shape how everything in your life is true. When you set about being honest with yourself, no one can ever lie to you again. You will see their lies instantly and they will see that you see them. Sooner or later the lies will stop--or you just won't be able to hear them anymore. I never knew that being honest with myself would also give me a virtual lie detector...its a little creepy really, to know its not true even if the other person doesn't. It also saves you so much more drama in the future.
I hope that I am just preaching to the choir, I hope that most of those I know have this understanding and they are just standing on their chairs and cheering because I finally get it...but if not, I hope they figure it out soon. I don't have to have anything to be happy, in fact to best understand this you only have to look at those who have less than you do. Do you think that they don't have joy because they don't have the perfect house, or job or car---well some might be sad because they don't have those things...but the ones who are living their lives and have found out that they have the same minutes you and I do to LIVE this life are smiling. We are not human-havings we are human-beings. Find something in your day that you can label as your joy. If its not your job then its for the time you are not at your job. If its your kids...have more kids or play with others kids. If its your pets then do more with your pets...if its your sun...then just be in the sun. Find the being that you are and share your joy with yourself. Don't hide it in the next thing you will own or time you will spend....put it in your pocket and use it up in every second. No matter the place you have driven yourself too...own it, find joy in it and live--or be who you were meant to be. But most importantly don't do things to those you love expecting forgiveness to be your eraser. You can never remove scars completely, and if you think of your decisions like you are throwing knives and that when you aim at someone else you might just hit them....then maybe you can see that every decision has consequences. And if your decisions have this effect, just know that everyones decisions that involve you can leave the same scars. Even more importantly your decisions--even the small ones can leave a scar on you too!
I love you...each and everyone of you. I love that you are a part of my life whether you read what I write or not. I love that you are so good at sharing your joy or sadness, either way it helps me. I also want to say something else, I believe that you don't have to get any lessons out of life. You can just live. I do not sit in judgement of others choices...but please if you are happy being miserable then dont tell me you want help to be happy...cause I take all requests as serious. I just gotta learn to say no more...so no more today! I am headed out to feel my sun, find my joy and share with everyone who graces my life today. Hope I see you!
Monday, February 7, 2011
All that glitters is not glitter
Ok, its a strange title, I admit, but when I tried the first couple of times to come up with a title for this one I just couldn't make any of the cliches work. But what I mean by the title is that sometimes when we think of something being what it is, it turns out that it is really something else. I know they say that if something quacks like a duck...well anyway sometimes its a messed up goose.
I have amazing friends....they don't really know what I think of them, although I have written things to try and let them know, I dont think they really do. The past is full of disappointments and changes that seemed to run me over just like a runaway bus...but somehow someway I managed to keep my kids together, safe and with their underwear at least in close vicinity of where they were sleeping. I didnt always have the support of everyone in my life, but I have come to understand how that was my own fault. I was still learning what it meant to be a great friend...so I didn't always do right by the ones I had. So now when those real friends come along I not only recognize them for the gift that they share, I smile and watch as they add glitter to my life. Are they perfect friends? Not even close, but thats what makes them more mine, because Im not perfect either.
I had lots of growning up yet to do even just a few years ago, and still made mistakes even then that hurt people I care about. At this point all I can do is say I am sorry, and I hope everyday that I have done that enough. But I heard once that you have to apologize for wrongdoings until the other person no longer feels the pain of the hurt you caused. And even then sometimes the relationship can never be mended to its original state. It often can be rebuilt and occassionaly can be as strong as before, but it will never be the way it was before the damage. Its similar to a car wreck, you can fix the dings, replace parts, and repaint but the car will never be as it was before...NEVER. But the best way to say you are sorry and to show that you mean it, is by never committing the act that causes the damage in the first place. I think often when someone says that "love means never having to say you are sorry," they are missing the intention of the quote. When you love someone, you don't do things to damage their heart, change the way they feel about you or create drama in their life.
Not too long ago a person who many of our Friend-Pack care about set about living her life as she saw fit and when the results of her actions changed some of those relationships, she seemed well just stupified by the outcome. I cannot believe someone can get to our age and be so clueless but apparently it happens. This person outed some grievances out loud for all those on her list to see, and many of us knew instantly it was directed at one person. I stood up for what I thought was right then and was quickly deleted from her list. I did not suffer grave emotional harm at this choice, because I believed that the harm caused by her public outburst of anger towards people who not only did not deserve it, was just wrong. And I do not need people in my life who see me as disposable. I became as throw away to her as the paper napkin you get at Taco Bell. Most never even give it a second thought to toss those, cause you know you are gonna get 20 more the next time you go through the drive through.
The aforementioned person had began a relationship that not only did not honor her, but was also with someone who set about alienating and isolating her from everyone she said she cared about. To this day I do not socialize with her ex-fiance, because I dont like him, and while I dont really think of myself as rude, his actions were just too far out of what is acceptable to me for us to ever be more than acqaintences. Once her little honeymoon with this person was over, she bagan to reach out to all of us again and ask for help. One of those who stood up for her and let her MOVE into her home was the original target of the call out on facebook. To say I was surprised at this kind gesture by my friend is not completely accurate, I know that she is not only one of the most generouse spirited persons I know, but even when I was having trouble getting past this past history, she simply said, she needs help, and I didnt want to know that her and her kids might be sleeping in the streets.
I spoke out at the outset of the first outburst and mentioned a couple of times that I did not think it was a great idea for this cohabitation to take place, but to be blunt it was really none of my business. But the original now almost forgotten outbursts that had gotten me deleted in the first go round, included my sincere belief that some apologies were owed to put the past in the past. To my knowledge that has never happened...and on one occassion this little whacky quacking goose has told me that she didnt have anything to apologize for. I did allow a re-friending, but without the necessary steps to mending the fences, this person is not really my friend, but simply a freind of some of my friends...or at least I thought she was.
Come to find out that since moving into my BFF's home, she has never shown any appreciation although BFF is supporting her and her two kids 100%--well her and her sister are sharing the support. There has been job hunting, and other activities, some of which would have been enough for me to send her packing, but no job. Hmmmmm, ok, but yet still not alot of gratitude or appreciation shown for the grace the first person she attacked months ago. So you are in someones home with your two kids, living with all the conveniences that, that implies...food, water, laundry, indoor plumbing, furniture, etc, etc, etc....and you are not working--oh and you are invited to most outings where it is an open event. Your kids are provided with transportation to and from school, video games as well as all the other perks that this persons work and funds are providing. But the rest of the days...you are just in someone elses home. On the computer, using their internet, eating...sleeping, bringing guys over. Well anyway, thats alot of hours, to be doing nothing...so Im thinking if this were me, I would be so indebted to this person, that dinner would be on the table when she got home, her house would be clean...laundry done...something to use my day and at least make some sort of gesture of my appreciation...um ==nope not been happening.
So if you are to this point of the story, you may be having a little trouble following. My BFF has not only taken this friend and her kids in, she has been helping others in her circle as well, and all this while she herself had lost a job and was trying to keep afloat financially. Also since all the changes that have gone on in her home, she had come to a decision that she really wanted to be closer to her kids and grands. And while this makes me sad, because it will mean she is further away from me, I totally understand and support her decision, even more these days because many of my kids and one grand now live almost an hour away. Its hard--I love my friends and my kids and grand that are here...but missing the others sometimes is more than I can bare.
So I find out today that the moving in/whacky quacking goose has once again began her poor me posts on facebook. Saying she is blindsided by the move of my BFF--REALLY? SEIOUSLY? BLINDSIDED???? Ummm its been months since you moved in, its been months since she has told EVERYONE--including you that she was looking for a house to be closer to her kids?? REALLY?? Well like I said its a goose quacker!!
I am not only angry again at this poor me, cant take care of myself whining binge, but I am upset that once again the facebook posts or other means of communications between friends have been directed at some people that I care about. This is not even giving half of the story, there are so many more points for the defense, (I should have been a lawyer) and so many more reasons why the old saying is true, "you can't help someone who refuses to help themselves."
I hear comments like why was I left out, how come no one invited me, and then out and out lies about things that were not really even being said. Changes in direction on a dime as long as the change suited her, and no matter what the story was 10 minutes ago. I have watched this person use her looks and charm to win guy after guy and then as soon as she was done playing, here comes the old--Im just not ready for a relationship line, to brush him off. And these are nice guys too...not like the one that none of us liked...NICE
I am so about to give her an ear full...but then I remember, how successful my attempt to get her up to speed was last time....UMMM DELETED!! There are others who came to BFF's defense, and they too were on the outs until they made the decision to try to rebuild the bridge. I was there on one occassion and within seconds of the actions of my friend towards this member of our gang...I was told "She just apologized to me" I said, no she didnt, what she said was lets put the past behind us...and she did it for me and for the other person that had been previously attacked. The next phrase out of the quackers mouth was the sum it all up winner hands down....she quacked at me "Well I dont have anything to apologize for!" Wow, just WOW!!!
I am frustrated by this person, and still do not have the first incling as to what I can do to help...because last time it was not successful. I was deleted. I was thrown away and all i had done was give her some honesty. It was a slap in the face, but I have been known to tell people like it is, and its never easy when its someone you care about....but even less easy when its someone you dont care about....because its my minutes Im wasting, its my life time that she is using up and well I know whats coming for all of us...its taco bell paper napkin time...deleted!!!
Let me just say this...no relationship is all about me or you, Im not 100% wrong and you are not 100% right...but for it to be a worthy endeavor you need to be at least batting close to 50-60% of the time. You should be moving forward and not creating issues where there are none needed. You should always be the one who unerstands when an apology is needed and when you have apologized enough---if there is even ever enough apologizing!! And if for heavens sake you find yourself dependant on someone else please, please, please see it for the grace that it is. They are being an earth angel for you!!
Tonight the postings started again on facebook...poor me, nobody likes me, why cant i get a clue...whah whah whah....so I fired back with "why do you think that is?" That lead to almost an 3 hours of back and forth on texting...and still I dont think she gets it. But you know what, she doesnt have to. She is under no obligation to get a clue. She can continue to live her life as she always has and get what shes always got. Whats the most amazing part is that if you just listen to her words, you can hear what she really thinks. She feels like she is being judged for a mistake--not that she is feeling the ramifications of how she is hurting others. She feels like she has to pretend to be something else, but we all know exactly who she is. She wants people to just move past things, but she has never forgiven herself or anyone else. She still thinks that her hard luck is about trusting the wrong person, I maintian that she isnt trusting the right one...herself.
This could go on all night...and in fact it almost has, until she asked the question-"in your opinoin what should I do?" Well I told her---and the text stopped. DEAD in their tracks. Too funny that we are still right where we were 3 hours ago and funny that I am ok with that. I have no investment in the outcome...she asked a question, I shared what I believe. I have noticed sometimes lately that some folks misunderstand what I write, but I think really they are just reading through a filter that I no longer have. Kinda like the rose colored glasses that are in an old country song. We each see, read, experience things through our own filter. And our filter is a culmination of the many parts of our lives that have helped to shape our feelings and beliefs. But if I have learned nothing else I am most grateful for the lesson of knowing that feelings are not facts and beliefs are simply thoughts that we keep thinking. We choose to think them or not. I have been known to ask people why they believe one thing or another, and most of the time I get the answer I dont know, or I just do. I am not really sure either of those are valid reasons to hold to a belief.
So now I sit here with my blog~erapy almost finished and I am faced with a dilema. Do I post it and let the cards fall where they may, or do I hold it for a day or two to see if she was sincere when she said she wanted help? Do I really want to start down the road of being life coach for someone who has not even learned whether she is a duck or a goose? The answers are not always easy to hear and I probably overloaded her with stuff she is so not ready to hear...and thats ok. When the student is ready the teacher will appear. I know there were moments after my teacher showed up that I could have no more believed that my life had ended up where it had under my own direction than I could have flown...but he didnt give up on me. And I dont think I will either. I am not going to give her fluff and stuff, but I will give her some things to think about.
Can the relationships that have been hurt be repaired? Sure, those who are hurting have been hurt before, and probably will be again. Will they give her more chances to prove what they already know? Yeah, probably so...but thats ok. We never get it all done and we never get it wrong...we just get it or we don't. Things that sparkle in this world are everywhere, catching our attention, but sometimes as we get closer, it was a piece of something else and not glitter and all....doesnt mean that we cant enjoy it while it sparkles or miss it when its gone...
i just want to say for the record that I like parts of this person, I love the potential that she has to be a valid part of our friends group, but I'm not really sure of her motives at this point. When someone is hurt, they begin looking for validation and solutions or they look for someone to blame. What it seems like is happening here is someone trying to stack the friends in her corner...and many of us who have been hurt by her actions are worried for those who have yet to have their trust damaged. Our path from here is not yet clear, but I hope that as we move forward that we can get everyone at least quacking where it sounds somewhat like we are all ducks.
I have amazing friends....they don't really know what I think of them, although I have written things to try and let them know, I dont think they really do. The past is full of disappointments and changes that seemed to run me over just like a runaway bus...but somehow someway I managed to keep my kids together, safe and with their underwear at least in close vicinity of where they were sleeping. I didnt always have the support of everyone in my life, but I have come to understand how that was my own fault. I was still learning what it meant to be a great friend...so I didn't always do right by the ones I had. So now when those real friends come along I not only recognize them for the gift that they share, I smile and watch as they add glitter to my life. Are they perfect friends? Not even close, but thats what makes them more mine, because Im not perfect either.
I had lots of growning up yet to do even just a few years ago, and still made mistakes even then that hurt people I care about. At this point all I can do is say I am sorry, and I hope everyday that I have done that enough. But I heard once that you have to apologize for wrongdoings until the other person no longer feels the pain of the hurt you caused. And even then sometimes the relationship can never be mended to its original state. It often can be rebuilt and occassionaly can be as strong as before, but it will never be the way it was before the damage. Its similar to a car wreck, you can fix the dings, replace parts, and repaint but the car will never be as it was before...NEVER. But the best way to say you are sorry and to show that you mean it, is by never committing the act that causes the damage in the first place. I think often when someone says that "love means never having to say you are sorry," they are missing the intention of the quote. When you love someone, you don't do things to damage their heart, change the way they feel about you or create drama in their life.
Not too long ago a person who many of our Friend-Pack care about set about living her life as she saw fit and when the results of her actions changed some of those relationships, she seemed well just stupified by the outcome. I cannot believe someone can get to our age and be so clueless but apparently it happens. This person outed some grievances out loud for all those on her list to see, and many of us knew instantly it was directed at one person. I stood up for what I thought was right then and was quickly deleted from her list. I did not suffer grave emotional harm at this choice, because I believed that the harm caused by her public outburst of anger towards people who not only did not deserve it, was just wrong. And I do not need people in my life who see me as disposable. I became as throw away to her as the paper napkin you get at Taco Bell. Most never even give it a second thought to toss those, cause you know you are gonna get 20 more the next time you go through the drive through.
The aforementioned person had began a relationship that not only did not honor her, but was also with someone who set about alienating and isolating her from everyone she said she cared about. To this day I do not socialize with her ex-fiance, because I dont like him, and while I dont really think of myself as rude, his actions were just too far out of what is acceptable to me for us to ever be more than acqaintences. Once her little honeymoon with this person was over, she bagan to reach out to all of us again and ask for help. One of those who stood up for her and let her MOVE into her home was the original target of the call out on facebook. To say I was surprised at this kind gesture by my friend is not completely accurate, I know that she is not only one of the most generouse spirited persons I know, but even when I was having trouble getting past this past history, she simply said, she needs help, and I didnt want to know that her and her kids might be sleeping in the streets.
I spoke out at the outset of the first outburst and mentioned a couple of times that I did not think it was a great idea for this cohabitation to take place, but to be blunt it was really none of my business. But the original now almost forgotten outbursts that had gotten me deleted in the first go round, included my sincere belief that some apologies were owed to put the past in the past. To my knowledge that has never happened...and on one occassion this little whacky quacking goose has told me that she didnt have anything to apologize for. I did allow a re-friending, but without the necessary steps to mending the fences, this person is not really my friend, but simply a freind of some of my friends...or at least I thought she was.
Come to find out that since moving into my BFF's home, she has never shown any appreciation although BFF is supporting her and her two kids 100%--well her and her sister are sharing the support. There has been job hunting, and other activities, some of which would have been enough for me to send her packing, but no job. Hmmmmm, ok, but yet still not alot of gratitude or appreciation shown for the grace the first person she attacked months ago. So you are in someones home with your two kids, living with all the conveniences that, that implies...food, water, laundry, indoor plumbing, furniture, etc, etc, etc....and you are not working--oh and you are invited to most outings where it is an open event. Your kids are provided with transportation to and from school, video games as well as all the other perks that this persons work and funds are providing. But the rest of the days...you are just in someone elses home. On the computer, using their internet, eating...sleeping, bringing guys over. Well anyway, thats alot of hours, to be doing nothing...so Im thinking if this were me, I would be so indebted to this person, that dinner would be on the table when she got home, her house would be clean...laundry done...something to use my day and at least make some sort of gesture of my appreciation...um ==nope not been happening.
So if you are to this point of the story, you may be having a little trouble following. My BFF has not only taken this friend and her kids in, she has been helping others in her circle as well, and all this while she herself had lost a job and was trying to keep afloat financially. Also since all the changes that have gone on in her home, she had come to a decision that she really wanted to be closer to her kids and grands. And while this makes me sad, because it will mean she is further away from me, I totally understand and support her decision, even more these days because many of my kids and one grand now live almost an hour away. Its hard--I love my friends and my kids and grand that are here...but missing the others sometimes is more than I can bare.
So I find out today that the moving in/whacky quacking goose has once again began her poor me posts on facebook. Saying she is blindsided by the move of my BFF--REALLY? SEIOUSLY? BLINDSIDED???? Ummm its been months since you moved in, its been months since she has told EVERYONE--including you that she was looking for a house to be closer to her kids?? REALLY?? Well like I said its a goose quacker!!
I am not only angry again at this poor me, cant take care of myself whining binge, but I am upset that once again the facebook posts or other means of communications between friends have been directed at some people that I care about. This is not even giving half of the story, there are so many more points for the defense, (I should have been a lawyer) and so many more reasons why the old saying is true, "you can't help someone who refuses to help themselves."
I hear comments like why was I left out, how come no one invited me, and then out and out lies about things that were not really even being said. Changes in direction on a dime as long as the change suited her, and no matter what the story was 10 minutes ago. I have watched this person use her looks and charm to win guy after guy and then as soon as she was done playing, here comes the old--Im just not ready for a relationship line, to brush him off. And these are nice guys too...not like the one that none of us liked...NICE
I am so about to give her an ear full...but then I remember, how successful my attempt to get her up to speed was last time....UMMM DELETED!! There are others who came to BFF's defense, and they too were on the outs until they made the decision to try to rebuild the bridge. I was there on one occassion and within seconds of the actions of my friend towards this member of our gang...I was told "She just apologized to me" I said, no she didnt, what she said was lets put the past behind us...and she did it for me and for the other person that had been previously attacked. The next phrase out of the quackers mouth was the sum it all up winner hands down....she quacked at me "Well I dont have anything to apologize for!" Wow, just WOW!!!
I am frustrated by this person, and still do not have the first incling as to what I can do to help...because last time it was not successful. I was deleted. I was thrown away and all i had done was give her some honesty. It was a slap in the face, but I have been known to tell people like it is, and its never easy when its someone you care about....but even less easy when its someone you dont care about....because its my minutes Im wasting, its my life time that she is using up and well I know whats coming for all of us...its taco bell paper napkin time...deleted!!!
Let me just say this...no relationship is all about me or you, Im not 100% wrong and you are not 100% right...but for it to be a worthy endeavor you need to be at least batting close to 50-60% of the time. You should be moving forward and not creating issues where there are none needed. You should always be the one who unerstands when an apology is needed and when you have apologized enough---if there is even ever enough apologizing!! And if for heavens sake you find yourself dependant on someone else please, please, please see it for the grace that it is. They are being an earth angel for you!!
Tonight the postings started again on facebook...poor me, nobody likes me, why cant i get a clue...whah whah whah....so I fired back with "why do you think that is?" That lead to almost an 3 hours of back and forth on texting...and still I dont think she gets it. But you know what, she doesnt have to. She is under no obligation to get a clue. She can continue to live her life as she always has and get what shes always got. Whats the most amazing part is that if you just listen to her words, you can hear what she really thinks. She feels like she is being judged for a mistake--not that she is feeling the ramifications of how she is hurting others. She feels like she has to pretend to be something else, but we all know exactly who she is. She wants people to just move past things, but she has never forgiven herself or anyone else. She still thinks that her hard luck is about trusting the wrong person, I maintian that she isnt trusting the right one...herself.
This could go on all night...and in fact it almost has, until she asked the question-"in your opinoin what should I do?" Well I told her---and the text stopped. DEAD in their tracks. Too funny that we are still right where we were 3 hours ago and funny that I am ok with that. I have no investment in the outcome...she asked a question, I shared what I believe. I have noticed sometimes lately that some folks misunderstand what I write, but I think really they are just reading through a filter that I no longer have. Kinda like the rose colored glasses that are in an old country song. We each see, read, experience things through our own filter. And our filter is a culmination of the many parts of our lives that have helped to shape our feelings and beliefs. But if I have learned nothing else I am most grateful for the lesson of knowing that feelings are not facts and beliefs are simply thoughts that we keep thinking. We choose to think them or not. I have been known to ask people why they believe one thing or another, and most of the time I get the answer I dont know, or I just do. I am not really sure either of those are valid reasons to hold to a belief.
So now I sit here with my blog~erapy almost finished and I am faced with a dilema. Do I post it and let the cards fall where they may, or do I hold it for a day or two to see if she was sincere when she said she wanted help? Do I really want to start down the road of being life coach for someone who has not even learned whether she is a duck or a goose? The answers are not always easy to hear and I probably overloaded her with stuff she is so not ready to hear...and thats ok. When the student is ready the teacher will appear. I know there were moments after my teacher showed up that I could have no more believed that my life had ended up where it had under my own direction than I could have flown...but he didnt give up on me. And I dont think I will either. I am not going to give her fluff and stuff, but I will give her some things to think about.
Can the relationships that have been hurt be repaired? Sure, those who are hurting have been hurt before, and probably will be again. Will they give her more chances to prove what they already know? Yeah, probably so...but thats ok. We never get it all done and we never get it wrong...we just get it or we don't. Things that sparkle in this world are everywhere, catching our attention, but sometimes as we get closer, it was a piece of something else and not glitter and all....doesnt mean that we cant enjoy it while it sparkles or miss it when its gone...
i just want to say for the record that I like parts of this person, I love the potential that she has to be a valid part of our friends group, but I'm not really sure of her motives at this point. When someone is hurt, they begin looking for validation and solutions or they look for someone to blame. What it seems like is happening here is someone trying to stack the friends in her corner...and many of us who have been hurt by her actions are worried for those who have yet to have their trust damaged. Our path from here is not yet clear, but I hope that as we move forward that we can get everyone at least quacking where it sounds somewhat like we are all ducks.
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