Really? That is all you have to say? I thought you would be happy for me :-(

Well I so love it when there is great news to share, I have been working towards getting a home, not just an apartment or sharing a place, but a home of my own. Actually since before the divorce. You see with the ex there was never any measure of knowing that we were ever home. Job after job, move after move, change after change--we were always up in the air, never settled or even any time that we could let our guard down. Now that I no longer am on the hamster wheel of that former life, I have been making decisions that are based on whats best for me and mine...for several years. And have yet to have something happen that has even come close to being a tragedy, very few storms at all other than the regular Texas weather. I love that.

I also had thought I wanted to have a room mate several months ago, but that was not to be and I can honestly tell you I am grateful...because I know more than I did then.

But I have strayed off topic just a bit. So I have friends...LOTS of amazing wonderful supportive friends...and I am always taken aback by their generosity, kindness and love that they show me. And for the most part I have done a great job at choosing who will share in this life. But every now and then there is this change, this shift in the relationship that makes me sad and want to take a step back.

A few months ago it was with another friend who seemed bent on making sure that she had some editing control on who my friends were. She had grudges after all and those she felt hard towards were never supposed to be in my friends list. But I just want to go on the record, my friends are to be chosen by me. The selection is always open for adding or taking away based on how you behave in my reality.

When the former friend began to make comments like "You have slipped over to the dark side" or "why are you having lunch with the enemy?" I knew it was time to set the boundary in her direction. While she was right that the person I had been trying to rebuild a relationship with had made serious violations in the past, she was trying to redeem herself and I was willing to give her the chance, because we worked together. This did not sit well and the verbal confronts began. I also learned that a mutual friend was reporting back to her that a I was playing with the enemy. Let me just say this, I dont believe we have enemies, that everyone deserves a chance to repair a damaged relationship, as long as it is clear that is their intention. And let me add this, the presumed offenses were not really real to begin with. I had only had lunch in the same location, not made an effort to socialize, but when someone is making it an issue, why bother fighting it. Its just time to step back and keep the distance and the sanity.

So back to present day...I got a house, or at least a lease agreement to purchase one when all the legal issues are handled in a few months, either way its my rental/lease home until then. YIPPPEEEEEE!

I decide to let everyone know on facebook...ok its a little silly but it seems to be my communication tool of choice lately and so post I do...my excited status first with picture to follow. Its all good, and the congrats start, wonderful comments and likes on both posts. My friends...my true and real friends are happy for me!! Feels good to hear their cheers. Then it starts---one friend begins this post thread that totally messes with my happiness bubble. She posts " Congrats and im so glad i found out about your new place on facebook." Wow really? Ummm that doesnt feel good. So I reply "Lol!! Easiest way to tell everybody at the same time!!" Next from her...."I get it, now im just everyone to you.:((( "

so I just add " Ouch!" and her next post is "I guess ill see it the say day everyone else goes to see it. :'(" and so I add " Ouch ouch"


Really?? I share with everyone the biggest news for me in quiet some time and all you can say is the above? REALLY????????

I am not only hurt by this back and forth, I am a bit surprised. You see when I was originally looking to get out of the apartment--this friend and I had talked about sharing a house...and well she decided she didnt want to room with me, and put up with my kids and all the coming and going that that would mean. Ok...she said she enjoyed having a clean, quiet and private home to herself. I am not offended, everyone has a right to live however they choose. Then a few months ago, when she thought the room mates she did end up having live with her, were about to leave her high and dry...she wanted me to move in. UMMM no, Im pretty sure I was ok with the arrangement I had with my daughter. She seemed a bit miffed, but hey it was your decision months ago...now its mine so Im good. Then I find out a few weeks ago she is moving more people into her house...well, Im just gonns stop there, because the story just gets crazier.

This blog is about her replies and posts to me that are all about her---and nothing to do with me an what should be a happy moment for me. Just to set the record straight, after she stood me up for a movie date a few weeks ago to pretend she had something else to do with someone else( I already knew about the real date for the event) I decided that she had moved on and I am ok with that. I dont have to be the priority in anyones life, but when it is more than evident that I am only worthy of a lame excuse/lie...it changes how I feel about you and our relationship.

I understand that ebb and flow of love whether it is platonic or romantic. I get that relationships change, but I dont hate it less because of that. I am constant in my beliefs and behaviors. I am honest to a fault and real no matter where I happen to be. I am happy 97% of the time and not really unhappy the other 3%-just loving living in the contrast. But this shift, this rude, self centered and belittling behavior angers me...if only for a moment. I am moving past it with my blog~erapy, but she has changed our dynamic...drastically. I wont invest much more of my heart until the understanding of where we stand is addressed. But for the moment I am moving a wall of understanding in her direction...if only so that I can see her for who she is at this moment. Someone who is behaving in spite and with a mean spirit. And in case anyone has forgotten...the phone, texts, emails and messages go both ways.

A great quote with only a minor change....

"To love without condition, To talk without intention, To give without reason, And to care without expectation... this is the heart of a true friend."



A friend posted the Status Shuffle quote listed above, and while for the most part it is one of those great posts that gets my writing juices going, there would only be one tweak that I would add...we shall discuss that later.




First to love without condition...is the ultimate test of love. Being able to not grow hatred or anger towards someone who deserves that and more is a tough hurdle to clear. We are programed it seems from early in life to be angry and to get even. I often hear some say "he's gonna get what he deserves" or " I'll show her what for". But these declarations of tit for tat, or way beneath real love. The best description of love that I have ever found comes from my favorite book in the bible 1 Corinthians---13:4-8;



4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.



If we are practicing the art of love in any other manner, it is my opinion that we are falling way short. Love does not mean that we posses another, or in some way are responsible for their happiness, or that we have control of their life or actions. If we chose, and I believe it is a choice, to really love someone and we strive to do it well, that means that we love no matter where the loved goes, regardless of behavior (good or bad) or even if they chose not to love us in return. For many years the word love has had a connotation of ownership with it...that because of our feeling of affection, the other must return that or we are some how devastated. But that is not love---just look at the definition again. I know that for me, when I learnmed to remove the restrictions of my preconceived notion of a loving relationship and got a better understanding of what my loving others really meant, I began to let go of much of the drama and fears that had been so much of the first half of my life. It also allows me to give ownership to all those things that I can't control to those who should own it. If someone is treating me badly, it is not a reflection of me, it is their inability to honor the relationship that we created together. It also means most times that it is time to step back and let the other step on the other side of that boundary that protects my life and peace. Doesnt mean I stop loving them, or that I need to grab and pull them closer (shich rarely ever works anyway), it means that I love you and send you on your way with that intact and without conditions.



To talk without intention...this is the part where I might edit for my preference, simply because I always have my intention in what I speak. To tell the truth no matter what that means, but I think where this quote is going it is talking about those who speak with the goal to sway others. To change minds and move others to do things that were not of their first inclination. I intend many things, but never to be dishonest with my words, or to pretend to change how you think or feel about me or others. I know too that when I am speaking my intention is very clear, no matter the words are my own...with there only being bits and pieces of a shuffle that get me started.



To give without reason...this is an easy one...I give to you because I choose to. I do not seek repayment or a favor in its place or return of any kind. I give with only the expression of generosity...and because I can and I want to. That'a all Im gonna say about that!



And to care without expectation...while it is always my hope when I meet someone new that we will share fun, and laughs and enjoy the experience, it is not a requirement for me to care. I often think about those who have been open enough to share their troubles with me and while it is always wonderful to have others care about me too, it is not my expectation. In fact often when someone does show the most precious and caring gesture, I am surprised and humbled...mostly because it has not always been the most common occurance. I have found that as I have worked to rebuild the ruins of my previous life, most of those who have come to play and stay are of a character and ethic not unlike my own. Their ffrequent and tender gestures of kindness and caring have made it easier to love my life.



I love this quote and I love most that it is a description of the life I strive for, the kind of friend I hope to always be. I know that happiness is a choice as is most of the other emotional gestures in life. I hope that I get better and better and all of the above!

.

LeAnn Rimes & Bryan White - I Can't Make You Love Me

I can't make you love me, if you don't

I often wonder why some folks come and go out of our lives. I can't really recall ever doing something so hurtful that someone would walk away, but go they often do. I struggle sometimes with the exit, but then I remember that when I truely love someone I must always love them unselfishly and allow their pursuit of their path, without drama or angst from me.



This is often easier said than done, because its often painful to be the one left behind. I know that I still hold them in my heart and the love is as strong as ever. But the changes in their behavior and preference for being with me has deminished and away they go. It almost always seems to revolve around some emotion like jealousy or a misunderstanding or even they are angry for one reason or another. But it has been my experience that usually its because I don't feel the need to give them what they are needing from me. In the past relationships were about making others happy, so that I wouldn't be alone. I was so terrified of being alone that I lived in fear of it, and therefore it happened over and over again. But once I conquered that harsh reality and learned that being alone is not has horrible as I had feared, I began to understand that not being everything to everyone was ok. I could say yes or no whenever it suited me, and no matter the outcome, I could make the best decision for me. If one chooses to remove their friendship because I didnt fulfil a quota or requirement, I am not sure that was the right relationship for me anyway.





I try not to remain sad, but to work towards understanding that life is all about change, even if that means that I will no longer have someone I care about in my life daily. This transistion always is difficult to navigate when the calls stop and the texts are few and far between. In the old me life, I would have cried and ached for the part that was missing. I would have had weeks of feeling abandoned and less than worthy of the person who is now gone. And while those are all valid feelings, they have to be temporary. I can never again allow myself to find the depths of sadness that would take away my smile and my spunk for this life.



Do I miss them? Yes, but I refuse to get into the if you loved me game. I will not guilt someone into being in my life. I refuse to allow myself an extended visit into I hate me town. I know that I am far from perfect, but I realize too that those I care about are living out many of the same imperfections. I still manage to hold them in my heart. I understand that loving others is a choice, and whether or not they return the feeling is inconsequential. I chose the loves of my life, the objects of my affection and I chose carefully. I don't limit it because of behaviors or even if they are showing that they love me. The choice to place them in my heart is mine and I accept all the pain that may or may not come along with that decision.



I understand too, that just because I love someone does not mean they are allowed to behave in ways that would damage my heart or my spirit. I can set a boundary with or without notice to protect my heart, but I never chose to stop caring. I have seen person after person who has walked away from me for one reason or another come back into my life. And I accept them with open arms, and a willing heart. I know that each soul in this life has value to me and to others and I appreciate whatever lessons and love they bring into my reality. I also know that the pain of losing others is real, but just as I decide to love openly and without reservation, the pain is mine to handle as well. I am getting pretty good at it actually. Being the receiver of less than perfect love on many occassions has taught me much, but has little to do with how much I love in return.



The hardest of these to understand and learn was tough love. This act of loving those who are desctructive and vindictive is a careful walk on the thinest of tightropes. While I want to be the loving person I believe myself to be, I also have to understand that being someones punching bag not only doesn't prove I love them, it also can be pretty devastating to the emotional state of the one practicing love. Tough love is setting a boundary that limits access of the one who is misfiring their emotional turmoil on an unwilling victim. Being available for support and sending love to those offenders is a lesson hard learned, but has been life affirming also.



I see many who are posting about feeling lonely, and while I can grasp the memory of this sadness, I have learned the most important love lesson...I must first learn to love myself before others can come and love me too. I also know that once I learned to appreciate the person that is me, I no longer experience the lonliness that used to consume me for days, weeks or even longer. I love my life, I practice loving others, even when they are working on being unlovable, and I accept the emotions that come and then let them go, choosing to find actions or opportunities to experience all that this life has to offer. Will I miss you if you go away? Sure...but I won't stop loving you. And I will be ready to

show you that love should you come back to visit or even stay. But I can't make you love me in return, and I am not sure I would do it even if I could. I just love ya--MORE!

The Mom Song with lyrics

Wendy & Lisa - The Closing Of The Year

Sometimes your'e the windshield, sometimes your'e the bug....

Sometimes I hear a song and no matter how silly or just downright funny it is, it sticks with me. The philosphy behind this one has been a part of my random quips to describe the week, month or even extended amount of windshield time some of my friends and I seem to be having.



I try really hard to remain very positive about all life occurances...sometimes its easier if I can dodge all those speeding buses, but every now and again, one of those not so well meaning people comes barrelling towards me and with the help of someone who means me harm, I take a not so pleasant trip on the windshield of the bus or even sometimes under it.



It can be extremely frustrating waiting out all those bumps and bruises while life pushes me to the next ride. It can also make ones heart sink into the old funks that in the former life felt like they would never end. The difference is now that I understand that I always have a choice and no matter how flattened I am by the splat or beat up the the ride down under, I know that its all to the good. I understand that change is the only option to move me forward. I guess I could try to remain in that old comfort zone for a little longer, but when I finally have made that turn and see light at the end of the tunnel I know that whatever the upheave,l it was necessary.



I know too that most of the time that the changes are no longer because of someone elses deciding for me. I decide those things that help me on my path--and lets just be clear---90% or more of my decisions are always right on. I rarely make those life changing bumbles that take forever to recover from. I don't see geography or job changes as a way to make me feel better and I know that in every job there are days when it feels like I cant do it anymore...but its just that its time for a rest and a little bit of inspiration to get my passion for what I do geared back up and running.



I understand there are many who see my confidence and lack of drama as signs that I don't care. But I have just found that the dramacanes of my past were never helpful nor were they even productive at resolving the issue. The best way to move forward is to tell the story(blog~erapy) make a few humorous remarks about the dumb stuff that others or even myself did to create the issue of the moment and then its time to forgive, learn from and forget whatever this last issue is.



What a difference this makes---but what an aggravation to those who do not understand. I lived the other way---and let me tell you I don't ever want to be that sad again. I know and have been told numerous times by my kids that I cant===or at least shouldnt sing in public-but on those days when its so obvious that whatever is coming at me has its windshield sights set on on direct course to flatten me at 55+, I cant help but belt out a few lines of Wynonna's sometimes youre the windshield, sometimes youre the bug. Come to think of it though, I don't recall ever getting a turn to be the glass that flattens anyone, but that's ok---i can see clearly those who like that position in life...actually I can see right through them. And if that song doesnt help me feel better I can always holler "I need a vacation and Im sure gonna get one"!!!

James Taylor You've Got A Friend

I didn't know there would be an exam!!!

I am not sure how all the moments that have so quickly moved past me have gotten me to this place, but as I sit this early am and reminisce just a bit---I can get a sketchy idea.



I was so very young when I decided to marry and start a family. I didn't really decide, I just didn't decide not to. I know that is not really clear, but it makes perfect sense to me. When I was younger I pretty much just allowed things to happen, not too unlike present day except I was lost and had no clue what I really wanted. On Thanksgiving, someone asked as we were all sitting around and reminiscing, "why do you think we have kids so young?" Of course I spouted off and said "Because we are too stupid to know any better!". And while my intention was to say that if I had been a smarter person, I would have waited and been more prepared for the awesome challenge of raising children...not that I would change a second of my life. Of course one of my teenagers immediately took offense to the comment and for a milisecond I regreted saying it---but then I decided no-its what I meant. He chose as he often does to take offense to things that I say, and that is his perogitive.



It does not change my intention of the comment though. I wanted to share that I felt ill prepared and afraid at the task of being responsible for molding and directing those little precious lives. I meant that I was still too much of a child to be a good mom. I meant that I had not done a great job at selecting my coparent. I meant lots of things by my comment, but none of which I tried to explain to the kiddo---or others after his comment.



In my previous life---the one that ended with the seperation from my husband, I would have immediately tried to do damage control and made the situation worse and uncomfortable. Instead in my new understanding of living in the moment let his offense lie where it started and moved back to the original conversation. If he had truely wanted to understand my comment he probably would have asked what I meant instead of the poor me response that he shared.



But he is young...actually the same age when I was first a mother--so there ya go! I love each of my kids more than I can explain, but over the last few years I have been the blame for most of the changes and upheaval and I am ok with taking that on. If they need someone to take the fall I will...because Im already up and standing and moving forward and back up from whatever trip it was.



I am sure that most parents have some of the required parental guilt that comes with the HUGE responsibility of raising kids. Or at least I hope Im not the only one. But as I let that moment go---and now have added the incident to my blog~erapy, I am never going to revisit this moment he chose to take offense to. Instead I am going to take joy in the fact that two of my kids are now living proof that I didn't have an epic fail at parenting. They are both great moms. Four of the five are gainfully employed and are now or will be again soon working on college degrees. They are also for the most part financing and paying for their educations with little help from me. I am on a few loans--and grant applications...but financially they are carrying the load.



I didn't do so great on the exam--I took lots of things too seriously or literally. I was often at odds with someone and felt defensive most of the time. I felt like the answers that I gave were being graded subjectively---and based on others opinions instead of facts. I felt judged and unappreciated. I now know that it was because I was too judgemental and defensive. I had my bearings off and was not sure of where I was going. My feelings were clouding each situation and I was unsure of my answers. I failed the exam---but the lessons learned were put to practical use and now I get to retest. I am often amazed when my words come flying out of one of the kids mouths and it actually is appropriate to the situation and sounds pretty good from where I am standing. They seem a bit surprised that they have said it, and a bit bewildered at their insight...but I just smile.



I remember times when the consequences seemed severe...but it stopped the negative behavior. I have glimpses of times when they were so angry at me for enforcing the rules, but the issues involved were not repeated. I have only had one of my kids thank me for their upbringing in words. I will forever remember how that felt...because I would have never guessed she felt that way.



So now as I take my final exam, and the last teenager moves toward his adulthood, there are only a few questions left to answer.



Would you do anything different? In theory probably I would have been less strict---but I can't take any of it back because they are such great kids.



Would you do it again? A million times---it was the most amazing and wonderful thing to bring five such amazing people into this world and have them raise me to be an ok parent.



What advice would you give them? None--just hints and tips that I learned on how to deal with a terrible twos, potty training and tricks to helping them get well when sick. No advice--they learned all they needed to, and will figure the rest out just like I did.



I really don't like taking tests, especially when i didn't know there would be a quiz. I don't really like those moments of doubt and fear that were so prevelant when I was raising the fab5. But I am so grateful to know that even though I didn't ace the test, they turned out ok anyway. I really don't have any regrets...I still hate the tests...but Im grateful that the lessons were not lost.

Standing in my TRUTH

Its a big thing loving people no matter who they are or how they behave. Its a little bit of grace not to retaliate when they strike out to hurt you or tell lies. Its a measure of strength not to tell and scream at someone when they are so wrong it takes your breath... but it is all that I have been given this year. I am blessed for knowing that I do not have to prove that I am right, show that I am smarter or fight for what I believe. I can stand in my truth and allow you to throw whatever you wish in any direction. I do not need to defend my position. I know in my heart that I have committed no crime. There is no wrong for which to apologize. I understand completely my decision to remove you from direct firing distance in my reality and I stand by my decision to do so. So keep kicking up the dust, pouting for attention, and playing the victim. Sooner or later everyone will see when the dust settles and I will still be here standing in my truth. (posted in status on December 2nd-2:27 am)



So I know what I know, the stories are the same each time I tell them, only they are not stories. But the things you tell others change---everytime someone shares something that you have blamed, avoided or pointed in my direction. I know that life is not fair, but sometimes I wonder how much can anyone really be fooled by the trickery. I wait for those moments occassionally...not like really wait, but times and thoughts come when it would be nice if someone knew the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But I know. All of it. Every moment where there was deceit, deflection or doubt. I remember those things I used to write down, so that when it came back up later and was met with denial I could go read what I wrote just after it was said. So I could protect my sanity. I remember the promises, that were never fulfilled, the vows that were broken and the heart that was thrown away.



Even with all that pain in the not so distant past---I am whole, happy and moving forward. I see so many who cling to their anger. The resentment is so big it looms over their head where ever they go. It has even been said that others feel this thing when they come into the room. I used to feel it too, but it was like a million pounds was lifted when it was no longer my responsiblity.



I see that people come into our lives, some for awhile and some hopefully for forever, but it seems most everyone in your life is temporary. And that is ok, there is nothing written that says you cant love things and use people---its just not really cool if you ask me...but hey we live in a free country so go for it.



I love too that those who ask and care to listen to the other side of the story--aka what I share...seem to always say, that makes sense. Because my story is not loosely based on the truth--it is based in reality of the truth.



I have told several of the folks that have applied for positions in my life a few basic rules that I have developed because of you...and by the way I want to thank you for all of them.



Rule #1-my kids don't have to like you but they do have to tolerate you well and not have serious issues about your stability. (besides the normal teenager concerns of step parents or new friends)




Rule #2-you have to meet the majority of my friends and they have to give you a nod, a thumbs up or at least a I think they are ok to hang.




Rule #3-despite what you may think, I need to talk to your ex if you have one---ok, I know this one is weird but I have recently been told that certain topics are not allowed when I am present for fear I might know or be able to visit with certain people---and well I know its cause I am so freakin scary and the crazy ex wife syndrom thing lives here for sure. (ok--thats sarcasm---this is based only in fear that someone will tell your truth, by sharing mine)



Rule #4-you will have to be ok with your family...not that you have to like everyone...cause thats just not ever gonna happen, but you will have to at least be working at enough of an adult level that you can deal with difficult people even if you are related!



Rule #5-Sameness---same job, same house, same friends--minus a few here and there I so get! If your last three addresses all happened in the last 12 months---call Houston because we have a problem. Ok--dont keep the shoes that you have had since 92---that old same can go.




Rule #6-I don't want someone to be with me, I want someone who wants to be with me! I am perfectly ok being alone. Dont really like it, its probably why I stayed married for so long, but Im getting pretty good at living my life solo---well not really Im so damn popular that I am rarely alone. Isnt that weird? You always told me I didnt have any real friends they were all just people who came to use me! WRONG---that was just you, oh and a couple of other people we are both related to...but hey thats ok, I know how to say NO!




Rule #7-All the rules are in place because I was treated so badly by someone I tried to treat like they were my world. Yep-you! I gave up every friend, most of my family and everything I owned more than once because of decisions I allowed you to make. I gave up myself and still came out with just your version of me....which I quickly traded in for the authentic version. The next person in my life will have to make me want to give up my rules...because they wont be necessary.



I have had a few steady friends, but there were just too many of those remind me of him moments that I couldn't committ to see where it would go. I have several where there just wasnt any click---but am still friends with most of them. I have had several after I have told them no have come back for a do-over, but it never really got any better(that ability to see less hope in a hopeless situation is your credit also).



Now here comes the tough part...how am i responsible for this situation? I fell for your lies, believed in someone elses truth and quit listening to my inner voice so I could have what you convinced me that I wanted. How many times did I end up in a fight with you before the committment? How many times did I call it off and now know probably should have saved myself some grief by keeping it off?



This post is starting to sound a little like it is laced with regret when actually it is just the opposite. I see where I could have made other choices, where I could have found an out, and times that would have hurt less. I see that my decisions although lead to an outcome that lead to more tears than anyone should ever have to cry, they also lead me to here. A place where I am strong enough to develop my own opinion about life, truth and myself. A place where liars are quickly found out, manipulaters are detected by my radar and real friends are coveted for the worth they each hold in my life.



I dont regret any of you, but I marvel at the mess your life still is. From where I sit and stand in truth, you are on your own little quest to recapture the same story as before. You have learned nothing, except to find someone who is a bendable as I was some 28 years ago. I have come to understand too, that the reason I trusted the wrong person, was that I had never learned to trust me. I wasnt accepting what was real and red and flapping right in front of my face. I just put on my rose colored whatevers--well actually they were blinders, but the looked cute huh? And I just kept trucking on. I also can attribute the lesson of setting boundaries to this history. I learned that when someone is welcomed into my life, they are on a 10 day pass, then and extened visit and then given a key to my heart. But this key is not a lifetime ownership---locks can be changed whenever someone begins to push my truth and understanding and makes me think of new rules I should write for my life.



I am not perfect...neither is anyone I love...but I so love that you dont have to be, to be in my life. I can love you where you are, enjoy our time for all the fun that if offers and live my life in peace with my rules intact. I know its because no matter rules or no rules, I am standing in truth...MINE!

Bruno Mars - Grenade [Official Music Video]

30 Days of Gratitude

November 1st-Phenomenal Friends --It has been such an amazing journed over the last few years---getting to know new friends and addding to my family of choice is one of my most favorite past times. There are so many of them who have talents, gifts and love that blesses my life. I am so grateful for all my friends. Thanks so much for putting up with me, all my faults and imperfections--your friendships means so much to me!




November 2nd-‎30 Days of Gratitude-Day 2--I am grateful for my family. 5 great kids, 2 wonderful grands, a few extras, brothers, sisters in law--mom, dad, aunts, uncles and cousins. All my grandparents have passed but am grateful for the childhood memories and how they taught me to be a grand-Gimmee'--LOVE MY LIFE!



November 3rd-30 Days of Gratitude-Day3-Over my life I have had many different types of jobs...but since coming to Community Opportunities Inc., I have found my calling. I love so much what we do--creating opportunities for the people we serve. I think my favorites are the events and fundraisers but everything we do is a joy to help with. Someone said once that because of their disabilities they are not supposed to want the same things that you and I do...but you know what--they do and they should be able to have every chance at a quality life just the same as you and I do.




November 4th-30 Days of Gratitude-Day 4--Volunteers are the glue that helps an agency stick together. With the limited funds that are available for a non profit to complete the day to day duties, volunteers come and work for free! They give of their time freely because they believe in our mission and because they have the biggest hearts. I love our volunteers--and each day I am so grateful for the work they do, the encouragement they share and the love they have for our folks.



November 5th-30 Days of Gratitude-Day5 -My Co-workers--So many people that I work with have the heart and desire to make a difference in the lives of our folks. To most it is not just a job. They are often silently going above and beyond what most would be considered that is required. Having the opportunity to be one of the team has taught me so much about giving, sharing and caring for others. I love what we get to do and am grateful for those I get to work along side...as we create opportunities for those we serve.




November 6th-30 Days of Gratitude-A day of grandbabies--I was so wrapped up in family yesterday that I forgot to post how grateful I was for them. So I am grateful for all my little blessings--even if I post it a day late!



November 7th-Opporunities-Each day is like opening a gift of opportunities. I can choose to do everything or nothing. I can choose to do it with a smile or take each task as a chore. I can choose who to give my time to and who to steer away from. I can choose the opportunities for adventure or stay close to home. I am grateful for all the options that this life holds and choose to be grateful for each opportunity, whether it be for me or working to provide it for others. I love my life.




November 8th-Rest-I am grateful for times when I don't have a million things to do. When life slows down and I can choose to be at rest. This weekend I was quiet and mostly at rest--feels pretty good to get that hour back too!



November 9th-Contrast-Life is full on contrast-days that are full of everything I want and days that aren't. Emotions that are in line with me and my smile and sadness that is not. I love the days when everything lines up and its a great day, but in contrast I appreciate the days that things are just a little off. I know that seeing things that do not make me smile is a sure way for me to focus on what I want and set about making that happen. Today I am grateful for those moments that are not made of smiles and sunshine.






November 10th-Beauty in Nature-As I was driving home yesterday I noticed how some of the trees have changed colors, how the sky was the most amazing color of blue, how the little puffs of clouds were just drifting by and I realized how beautiful our world is. There are flowers blooming at work even though its fall, green grass and birds and critters all around. It is amazing how just getting out in nature makes me feel better. I love our beautiful natural world and am grateful for the bits of country life all around me, at the state park, down the long country roads and the lakes and creeks where I can "TRY" to catch a fish.




November 11th-Veterans-It a day of honor, a time to remember and share our gratitude for those who have committed their life to secure our freedom. I appreciate so much the life that I have as a citizen of the United States, but that liberty must be protected and provided by those who are willing to stand on those lines and protect our beliefs, values and borders...and sometimes those of other countries as well. Today I am grateful for those who make this commitment today, yesterday and tomorrow.






November 12th-Mothers-Being a mother is by far the most rewarding, challenging, and fascinating thing I have ever done. And while I have spent the last twenty-something years of my life raising my kids, I have learned so much about the sacrafices my mother made and all that it takes to be a mom. I value so many women in my life who have stepped into a mothering role when I needed it, and nurtured me during the hard times in my life. I am proud that I had the opportunity to grow up with my kids, and that I now get to watch two of my girls learn to be mothers to their children. I am grateful for mothers-mine, yours, myself, my girls and my substitute moms--and one bridge!






November 13th-Compassion and forgiveness-For thsoe who show compassion to others and practice forgiveness for the wrongs, I am grateful--especially when you are forgiving me!




November 14th-Facebook--So love the facebook and how it allows me to keep up with all those wonderful people who are a part of my life.




November 15th-I am grateful for Mondays-even though many days of the week get more positive play than Mondays-I am grateful for this day because it gives me a new week to look forward to. I even have been heard to say TGIM-and then have to explain why I am glad for Mondays. Tuesdays get "so glad it's not Monday anymore~Wednesdays have "humpday"~Thursdays have TGIAlmostF~~~and of course TGIF---and the weekend well we all are glad for those days....but Monday is my day to start over, to gear up for a week of productivity, for all those status reports and planning meetings. I love Mondays...but then I LOVE MY LIFE everyday~wink wink!






November 16th-Second Chances-Sometimes in life relationships, jobs, changes and just circumstances can feel like it is the end. The end of something good, an era, or the end of the world. But few things are really ever the end, more often than not they are truely the beginning to the next chapter. I have found too that often the change that is dreaded is really the best thing that could have happened. I seem to get into the grove of life and find myself dreading the change even though it was for the good. I am grateful today for second chances to get it right...and even third, fourth or a millionth to try and get it better.




November 17th-Community Leaders-Our community is blessed to have some very amazing folks who have dedicated their lives to being a part of the solutions to many different problems. Their committment not only stands as a testament of what folks can do for others, but also as model of good leader. I am proud too to call many of them friends and I appreciate all they do for me and for those I serve.






November 18th-Non Profits-I am grateul for all those agencies and their volunteers who make such a large impact in our community. Their committment to meet the needs of the less fortunate are not only needed but so wonderful for those who find themselves in a place in their life that is not so fun. I appreciate most those who work to teach skills or find solutions to those issues that landed the receipients in the situation and help them to find a path away from the challenges for the rest of their lives. Its the fish philosophy personified in real world situations. Feed a man a fish and he is no longer hunger today, but teach him to fish and he will feed himself for the rest of his life...and probably teach others to fish as well. Hunger solved.



November 19th-Service Organizations--There are many in our community such as Lion's,Rotary, Zonta, Kiwanis---to name some. This groups lead their membership to work on projects, raise money and help in their community to meet the needs for so many things. Their service to community is huge and priceless. Today I am grateful for those groups of people who have their heart set on their help to our community.



November 20th-Pets-They are always happy to see me, don't care if I am wearing make-up, dressed nice or even if I am having a bad hair day--ok well there is one that raises a fuss when the hair is scary. They cuddle with me when I sleep, chase me when I am playing with them in the yard. Slobber, kiss, jump and just love me so well. I am grateful too for the other pet owners who take their responsibility to heart and care for those four legged friends in our community. Also for the Cleburne Animal shelter staff who work so hard to return lost pets, care and place abandoned ones.




November 21st-Home-Today I am grateful for feeling at home, and although this definition has changed many times in my life, there has always been a place where I have been sheltered, safe and felt at home. I have learned much about the home in my heart through many changes and the home is definitely where the heart is. If you are loved and a part of a family(of choice or blood) home is where ever you find that love in your heart.






November 22nd-Reading your gratitude lists---Thanks for all those who have been playing along and sharing what they are grateful for. You have reminded me of so many things that I am grateful for as well...I am grateful for each of you!





November 23rd--Music--so many times in my life there have been songs that have been a sort of therapy for me--this seems to be mostly when I am sad. I love how the words can be so close to what I am going through and then the talent of the singer can bring emotions and help me deal. I love to that often a memory can be tied to a song. There is a particular song that was played at my counsins funeral...and even though for the first couple of years when I would hear it I would cry, now I just think of her and all the fun we had, what a fighter she was and what her life meant to me.


There are songs that have been used at events and the emotions that stir almost always remind me of the pain and the tears start before more than a few notes have even played. As time goes the reaction lessons and then soon its just a part of the memories and healing. The carols of Christmas bring the wonderful joys of childhood holidays, happy birthday the many parties that I have been a part of, or even Purple Rain which reminds me of a particular person and time in my life. I am grateful for the soundtrack of my life---the music that moves me.




November 24th-Rain-When the clouds gather and begin to sprinkle the first whispers of rain, I am grateful for this wonderful natural watering of all our green and growing things. This cleansing wash of rain water feels as though the whole world is getting that morning shower that always helps to wake me up and refresh me for the day ahead. I love rain no matter the size of the drops and I appreciate the wonderful gift it is in our natural world. Today I am grateful for rain.





November 25th-Holidays and Celebrations-I am grateful for the expression of love that is tied to the wonderful hollidays that we celebrate all year long. While Thanksgiving has reminded me this month of all that I have to be grateful for, I am appreciating all the celebrations that help to mark those milestones, holidays and special times with those I love.




November 26th-Change-It seems that often I dread change, I am sometimes worried about changes that will most surely come and take away people I care about, push me to learn something new, or forever. Today I am grateful for the newness that change brings. I appreciate that I have learned all the lessons so that when change comes I can understand that it is just the key to the next door...and that before long all the upheaval will settle until the next.





November 27th-HEROES--people who make a difference in our world-My heros are those who step up to help our clients and others in our community. Several of the ladies who serve on our advisory board and prom committee are my personal heroes, they each have children who had/have challenges, and each has rallied not only to make their life fulfilling and meaningful, the continue to look for ways that help all those we serve at COI. I also look up to the many people in our community who work for non profits that do so much good, but also they take so much less for themselves to do the work that they do.







November 28th---30 Days of Gratitude---Sharing of stories...I love reading the other stories of life here and through emails, texts or even phone calls. Most of my friends have been on pretty similar life paths as mine and some have been completely different, but when we share those stories that have added, hindered or even derailed our lives, we not only begin to heal we share the wisdom that came from all of it. I love that sharing some of mine might have added a smile or insight or even a tear for your story, and likewise what yours have added to mine.








November 29th-FACEBOOK-I have said many times that I really love the social media and what it adds to my life. The reasons are many, but mostly because of the connections that are remade, new-made or just add to the way I can communicate with those I care about. I have found that each person who shares on the page or in person about the things they find in facebook that matter to them---makes me appreciate it that much more. I love that in a few seconds I can share information, insight or insanity with all of you who have accepted the challenge of friendship. I love most that you share your life and allow me to have more smiles, more understanding and more fun. Thank you facebook family I am grateful for you and for this wall!



November 30th-Gratitude--The last day of 30 Days of Gratitude is here and I am grateful for all those who played along. Your sharing of your gratitude lists helped me to be grateful for you, with you and because of you reminding me that there is always something I am grateful for. Thank you for sharing your hearts with me...and I am GRATEFUL---I LOVE MY LIFE!!~~because you are a part of it!

Friends and Unfriending

So there is this tv show that I hardly ever watch...well never intentionally watch. I don't know anyone who really likes it or watches and the host is well just annoying. I have been told by a few people that he is funny---but of the half dozen or so times that I on the off chance saw a part of his show...I never laughed--- not once. He does the most bizarre stunts and skits that dont even come close to bringing a smile...and actually I have thought, why would anyone find him humerous?



Sometimes when I am out with my gang...people actually come up and introduce themselves to one or more of us because we are having a good time...and they always end up saying something like, I wanna be freinds with you all, you are so funny. The things these girls come up with make me laugh till my sides hurt, im crying or one or more of us is snorting...and Im always keeping score of that by the way.



We often have fun where I work, and some of the stories and retellings of real life experiences can get us all rolling on the floor LOL or even LOAO. But this guy-this I cant figure out if he is a d-lister or just incredibly assanine and thats the public attraction, he makes fun of people, situations, other celebs...everyone is a target---but again I add HE IS NOT FUNNY!



So someone who happened to be in the same tv zone as I had this show on...and one of the monologues of the day was about FACEBOOK. He made comments like how can anyone have that many friends...how can they really know that many people? When he himself makes his living from people who DONT REALLY KNOW HIM...see the irony?



Here is someone who hopes that you will find him amusing, and listen to the commercials that pay his salary and find him somehow the person you want to write a check on your bank account of minutes at least five days a week....but none of us know him. Does that some how make him less relevant? Does it devalue his remarks and humor in my life? Do any of the people that are VIEWING his show and then maybe telling their friends about the stupid stuff he talked about the night before ever wake up one day and say---HEY I dont really know him so Im not gonna watch him anymore? And lets just be clear, I am sure somewhere there is an agent, or pr person running social networking page of somekind for this person. A website that thrives on people who dont really know who, but click to read his crap anyway.



So if his theory is correct, there is some value in a life that excludes anyone we have not had the opportunity to GET TO KNOW---um lets just get this said...everyone is someone you dont know until you take the time and effort to learn about them. What they like, what they find funny, or those things that mean the most to them.



So this yet to be named HOST on this one chance evening just goes on and on about FACEBOOK and those of us who as he put it are friend collectors...and how none of us CAN realistically have more than 50 friends and he was declaring a NATIONAL UNFRIEND DAY---November 17 to be exact. Now this guy that none of us know was now declaring that we should all be the lambs of the day and follow his lead and unfriend anyone we wouldnt loan $50 bucks to or one of the other stupid reasons he felt we should delete them from our wall.



At first I was a little upset---because clearly each of those who has become a part of my facebook friends at one time or another many have been ones to encourage me, either directly or through their own personal posts. They have been the humor in an otherwise difficult day. Sharers of good, bad or sad news. They have been my link to history, events and even something I didnt even know about if it not for their sharing. They have added to my social calendar inviting me to many worthwhile expereiences and happenings. They have been a part of my life and I would miss it if it were gone.



I was not one of the get with the program fast facebookers...I had to be coaxed and proded to even use it. But now I cannot imagine my life without it. I can hear from my relatives that I rarely get to see, catch up with news from school friends who only used to know but am learning about again.



I am sure many of you feel like I do that there is value in this social networking or there would not be so many of us who are using it daily, hourly or even constantly.



By the way I did not unfriend anyone on national unfriend day---and as far as I know, I only lost one of my friends...whether it was tied to this rediculous stunt or not I have no way of knowing, nor do I really care. I have come to believe that most people have something of value they bring to my life or they wouldnt be here. In my facebook life I have only unfriended a few. But the reasons were not because I didnt know them. It was because the knowing them had become something that made me sad. I was reminded almost everyday that their role in my life had not been very healthy. I still care about the few that I removed from daily contact...but I still see that it was the best decision for me. Mostly because shortly after I debated about taking the action and then when I finally managed to get it done, facebook added an app that would let you see who deleted you. And well then all the reasons I had taken the new boundary step was verified in the reactions of some who were deleted. I did not do it in anger or revenge or even as a stunt. It had just become too difficult to see their negativity and feel the sharpness of those things that were directed at me. The most bizarre aspect of those who were the polar negative to my otherwise positive life, were using things I said and shared as arrows to shoot back at me. Calling my need for facebook the attention getting ploy, drama central, or a replacement for those who were being removed. I also found that some people no matter how much you care about them or just happy being miserable...and they usualy are also those who turn their back on you and quietly give you the next trip under the bus racing down your street. They are not happy people and they can barely stand it when someone else is happy. They will also find ways to hurt you in their exit---but then we almost always know that is coming too.





But through some of those who have come to give me gifts of understanding, I learned that my life is mine to make of it what I will. I get to decide what, who, where---I get to choose happy over sad, yes over no, when and how. I get to be the director of my life movie choosing to spend my minutes in the show that makes me feel like me. I had to come to understand that those who find resentment in my decisions will just have to carry it around. I send them away with love and light. I choose peace instead of the fight. I choose to let them feel about me however they choose and to not see each situation or disagreement at the ticket to the next war of the words. I can be right for me without having to prove to you I am right or that you are wrong. My decisions are always right for me. Your acceptance of this life path is optional...welcome but not required. I was also accused of some other unsavory crimes because I had moved past the relationships that had turned in an opposite direction of where I was headed. I did find others who wanted to share this crazy life with me, others whose acceptance of who I am and where I am at and who have added a level of comfort I have not know for years. Those friends who have come into my life over the last couple of years have made my life. They have loved me unconditionally most of the time, respect me enough to disagree and keep me balanced when my drama queen tries to take over.



It is hard to say that I am boycotting this host or his show, because I never really watched it before. I also understand that anything you stand up and fight you give your energy to IT. And I simpoly will not ever give my spark to anything as rediculous as this show, that host or his national unfriend day. As a matter of fact, I am going to make it my mission to meet as many people as I can in this life...and take a little of their smile, joy and fun with me where ever I go. Because those pieces are not heavy. They are like the helium filled balloons that used to make me smile so much as a child, and the more I take...the lighter my steps will become

The question is..."How can you really be that happy?"

so they ask--"How can you really be that happy?"



I answer" because I choose to be"



--they ask --"But dont you have any problems?"



I answer --"of course, but I always find an answer."



--they ask---"Why doesnt that stuff make you sad?"---



I answer"because it is my choice, and no matter whether I choose to be happy or sad---life still is what it is---so why not choose happy?"



They answer---"I don't know how to do that."



I share --"It's a choice, no matter what happens to me today, I will see the good in it, just as it is promised that all things are to the good. I choose to believe and live my life in hope, faith and happiness. I love my life---it so beats the alternative."



Anyone who has known me for any length of time, can attest to the fact that I have not always lived by this philosophy. It would most likely to have been said even just a few short years ago that I was really very unhappy. But in one of the greatest examples of why I live this way, in 2005 I had what could be considered a very rough patch from August 22nd, until November 21st.



On the first day of my rough patch, it was decided that I was no longer needed in a job that I loved, actually it had been decided before then, but that was the day that I was officially told. There were many reasons I am sure that my employment was ended, but the fact of the matter was I was unemployed. Now I could head off into a whole tangent about how it was wrong, unfair, that I had been useated unjustly and blah, blah, blah---but never the less I was sacked---after what was one of the most productive weeks ever since being employed in that position. My responsibility in this new reality was that I had not done what was needed to prevent it. I would not see until later it was one of the greatest bad things that had ever happened to me.




The next event that would shake and begin to mold my future would the the Katrina tragedy. Through this horrible event, I was given a wonderful opportunity to redeem myself and regain my footing. I was helping people every day who had lost everything, who were out of their comfort zone by 100's of miles, and who were still finding a way to smile and be happy. All I had lost was a job...kind of puts it all in persepective doesnt it? It also reminded me that there was another incident where it seemed as though I had lost everything, when our home burned to the ground in 1996---I survived that and I began to see that it was just the life lessons that were coming and passing---not the end of the world.



As these changes in my life became just the next thing to deal with, my husband of 20+ years decided that he no longer wanted to be married---well that was certainly something that should have made me sad---but again I looked at the recent events, called on those friends who had promised to help and support me emotionally as I traveled through these "all to the good-horrible occurances" and it was only a few days until I was settled, and smiling once again. I have my memories of the good things that came out of that relationship, my five kids and I had life. It aint over until the fat lady sings...and since I can't sing--Im thinking Im gonna be here for awhile.



With all these changes happening, and all the peace that kept finding me I began to see that the life that I had thought was to be my role for the rest of my time here, was not really one that had been too happy. That many of those situations that had stolen my smile, over and over and over again were not really of my choices, but because of my choosing to allow others to make decisions for me. I began to see that each persons life is challenged by something---but they had somehow found a way through their storms and I began to believe I would also.



This new way of looking at things was not instantaneous, it was a philosophy that had to be practiced--sometimes all I could do was practice being not as miserable. But since a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking, I began to believe that when Abraham Lincoln said"You are as happy as you make up your mind to be" he might have known what he was talking about.



So the next thing that would come along was a job offer,and it was a job that didnt even exist--here would be an opportunity to use my drive, my knowledge, and my passion to help people and also a little freedom to see what could be possible. I relied on those friends who were knowledgable, I went to trainings, I read books and studied things on the internet. I was blessed enough to be hired by an agency whose beliefs and principles were in line with my own, I was home. This employment has felt like the best job that I have ever had, not necessarily monetarily, but in all the other areas of my life--it has been a good fit. I like to think too that I have added value and been a big part of the new direction and exciting things that are happening for us. It hardly feels like five years has gone by---but the next five promise to bring amazing growth and opportunities for our little agency that is all about creating opportunities for those we serve.



I love my life---no matter what challenge I face, I know that there are resources and friends co-workers family who will lend a hand to meet those challenges. I no longer feel bound by the need to have people like me or completely understand me---I dont go out of my way to make them not like me---but either way its their choice. I understand that my life was not meant to make others happy, but a chance for me to experience all that was meant for me to share in and also a chance for me to give all that I am to what I choose to do.



I love all of my life---even when those things happen I would rather not have to deal with-I know that I am better for each moment and that the joy that I feel is a habit now, I choose more often than not to be happy---and it literally only takes that decision to make it real.



So the answer to the question is that each of us can really be that happy---we just have to decide to be, or not. There is no written law that says you have to be either or, but the choice is always yours. I often see others who let the tragdies define who they are, and thats not wrong. But I also know that those habits of seeing those life occurances as somehow being what you deserve, or the drama that somehow you are a victim of are just habits. We have learned from those who taught us that--that is life. I just don't agree--life is a choice---and I choose to live and BEE HAPPY--Bobby McFarrin so had it right when he sang his song---take a listen because you too can choose happy.

30 Days of Gratitude

Everyday of my life there are moments where I am in complete awe of how wonderful things are for me. I cannot understand how I managed to hang on for so many years of manufactured and created uneccesary drama. It has been a very long and hard process to come to grips with the responsibility of my former life, but I am so grateful for the journey. Amazing too is the fact that so many of my grace-moments I have the ability to find reasons to appreciate even those things most would only curse. It's not a giant leap forward, but it is a practice of changing the way you look at things-so the things you see will change. That is not a direct quote and I can't remember at the moment who said it---but it is a part of my day to day life just the same.

Over the month of November I am posting my daily gratitude list on my Facebook page and will be finishing my blog month with the whole months worth of posts. I can tell you that for most of the month already I have found those things that I am grateful for and the words come easy to express the appreciation.

I want everyone to know that life is about finding the paths to happiness...anyway you can...however you define that for yourself. All that other stuff is just busy work. At at the end of a life we can remember the smiles or we can carry the burdens...guess which I choose?

Follow me on Facebook- http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pameedee

"When you're through changing, you're through."-Bruce Barton

Next on Blog~erapy!

How to define friendships

My friend Milton and me (he has nothing to do with this blog--I just think he is too cute not to post his picture--and his wife is my friend too).

So, here is the skinny from this fat girl---it would seem that I have once again managed to upset someone that-in her words used to be a friend. The short of it is that when we were pretty close, there was a major flux and change happening in my life. I did spend many hours hanging out, going places, eating with the aforementioned friend.

But at one point the friendship started to turn in a different direction. There were comments and hints that some of the other people that I was friends with were less than desirable, that people that I worked with were not to be trusted and also many many little, big and even middle sized gifts that showed up for occassions or just because. Now to say that my life was in a mess would be the understatement of the century, and I accepted the help, gifts and friendships openly. I was in need of some TLC and those in question seemed ready to fill the bill. Because of some shennigans of the EX, I was even feeling the financial pressure to cancel a trip because the money was becoming too hard to come up with. But I was told by these friends, that they would help, and that I didn't need to worry about it. The strangest twist of all, many of those people that she did not approve of are now getting the hey you are my friend treatment--but were formerly on the don't trust them as far as I can throw them list...now who is the user?

I took them at their word, there was even a gift of $300 from one of the friends with no mention or conversation that it might be a loan--here I am giving you this to help with your divorce. You have to understand that the place that this change in my life had left me was lower than low. I had friends that were willing to help, or so I thought, and I felt blessed by these gifts.

As life often does though I regained my footing, began to become self-sufficient once again and when the gifts continued I became very uncomfortable. It was almost the same type of relationship that I was leaving in my divorce. I don't do well with ultimatums--giving or receiving. I also shy away from those who seem to think that everyone that they hate should automatically end up on my shiz list.

The new direction of my life and the understanding that I have the ability to chose how happy I am going to be, began to limit the interaction from those who seemed to be trying to gain the control buttons left unmanned by the exiting-ex. I began to feel more and more like I was being met with disapproval, and the icing on the cake came when one day I was eating lunch at the same time with someone that the "friends" disapproved of...now notice I am saying that we were eating at the same time--not going to lunch or other activity---but just because of the sharing of a lunch room we were eating together. It was not long before one of the now defunct trio came by and saw this treachery---how dare I have lunch with the enemy? And even shorter amount of time before my cell phone was ringing with a call from the off-site party wanting to know why I was having lunch with the object of her hatreds? First it took me a minute to figure out how she knew...pieces of a puzzle coming together. Then it took me a few more to understand what had just happened. I had been managed. I was being told in no uncertain terms that friends of hers do not do that. The next outing of the trio(me included) was awkward to say the least. The conversation lent itself several times to my trip to the dark side and how crazy I was for going there. This trip seemed to be all about recreational shopping, which is not really something I was up for, because it really meant there would just be more of those just because gifts that I did not really want. I was trying to stand on my own, rebuilding my life, my heart and my home. And to be bluntly honest I never have really cared for gifts with strings unless they happen to be kites.

So at the next few offers to hobble along on the rec-shopping excursions I politely said I don't really have the money to go shopping, and once again I was met with disapproval as well as cohersion to go anyway. I said no and that I was opting for a weekend with kids and grands. No offense, meant but some definitely taken. The next few phone calls, messages or emails that I sent, trying to talk about the issues, were unanswered and unwanted. So I let it lie, thinking that if either wanted to talk to me they would. Nothing...barely even a hello if I happen to see them in public. Now I don't want you to think this did any damage to me at all...it didn't. In the rebuilding of my life, I had found so many new friends and fun that there is hardly a day that goes by that there is not some fun thing to go do. I am home only cause I chose to be, not because I don't have options.

Come to find out, I am a pretty diverse, funny and happy person--that lots of people like--who knew? Not the ex-friends, or ex-ex or even those kids who seem to forget that they have a mom. But I am kinda popular--or extremely blessed, but either way I am happy!

It also was starting to grate on me that there was never any mention of the disapproval or change in me that others apparently were so crazy aware. It was the whole dysfunctional elephant in the middle of the room phenomenon that so many in 12 step programs have heard tell about. But the negative impact that this removal of friendships had on me was larger than I originally thought. First, the duo of compadres rarely ever spoke to me or interacted with me on facebook, email or text message---you do get that communication is two way right? I tried--with no response--for a few weeks...so I am thinking they don't want to talk. Ok--decision made, lake of response noted--I will leave it alone. But as time wears on their negativity still rubs me the wrong way. Then it is mentioned in a completely unrelated converstation that I have the right--no strike that responsiblity to limit those things in my life that do not add to it in a positive way!! WOW talk about an AHA moment. I decide that me not having to read their negative comments, or feel ignored when my messages are not acknowledged--I can delete their them from my friends. Sounds easy right? Well it was a battle within to get it done.

I did finally make the step only to be the recipient of a "hey something is wrong with my facebook" message--"you are not there". TADA---but that was not the end of it. That was only the pause before the email attack.

First--I was accused of being a user, that I no longer had use for her and she had been discarded.--the best part of the email---the only regret was that she didn't get back some baby clothes she had given to my daughter for my grand baby---she had wanted them back for her grand baby. Umm sorry no control nor concern about what someone does with a gift after its given....some more of those strings! She also mentioned that I was not being honest because I did not reply to her first message, that I was only trying to convince myself that I was happy on facebook and that she hoped that I really did love my life--but it seemed rather doubtful. Of course the last line was the best--hope you receive all you deserve---what the hell does that mean? See the negativity? Well if not it's only because you don't know her.

Since the divide between she and I has grown to grand canyon depth, I have also learned many things that were said about me, directed towards me when I thought of us as friends. She hated me, thought I was not a good fit for the job when I was hired, and had shared numerous times that I was not doing ANYTHING! How funny is that---I can remember they day that I went over to her darkside and was taken under her wing for lessons---it was a day that I was angry at one of her I-HATES(no relation to other i products)

I will tell you this, I am a little sad by where this relationship ended, I spent many hours defending her at our job and many hours trying to keep her from getting fired or quitting--which I ultimately failed at. I also have done lots of damage control because she continues to use half truths and inuendos to lay suspicion to our agency. She talks of honesty, but her opinion is the only one that matters. She talks of being fair but weilds a heavy handed and one-sided sword at anyone who does not agree with her.

I keep trying to understand how these types of relationships happen in my life and I think it mostly stems from not having a firm grasp on my direction--beliefs--maturity. I was a stunted adult struggling through years of a bad and abusive marriage left me damaged and not always able to see the forrest for the trees. I still have to remember to be a little synical from time to time and not to trust everything I am told.

At the end of the day, this is my side of the story. And I am sure her side would be completely different and if she feels like starting a blog to tell the story of my ex-friend Pammee--I wish all the best. I hope too she gets everthing that she deserves...except I really mean it.

I am not now nor will I ever achieve perfection, but I will not be one who is owned by relationships. I think that I can love those who are not a healthy influence on my life from here--letting them go and create havoc, ulcers and anger where ever they choose to flutter and fly. I can choose not to be angry or controlling or coniving...but I can also choose to not allow their negative energy impact my life. I can practice distance love and maintain my peace. It's not easy--I want to be around those I love---but sometimes I am just not strong enough to carry that ball and chain.