(}!{) You have to live the Butterfly life~One who fights to survive and after a painful transition will become more beautiful and vibrant than ever.~~I really love hand me downs even when it is someone's words from their heart. This quote came from Miranda who got it from Amanda who found it and tweaked it abit---to fit her. Im still working to finish my metamorphasis...but man you outta see these two butterflies!!!
I can hardly wait somedays to see what things my friends will post on their facebook walls...I am often inspired or moved to tears, occasionaly angered and sometimes just confused. But the day my friend Miranda posted this I resonated with the quote and felt like it had been posted just for me.
I am living a butterfly life. I have struggled to understand sometimes why it had to be so difficult of a transition, but then I remember how strong it has made me and I find a way not only to be grateful but proud as well.
I have fought to survive, and to thrive. I have tried with all I have to find a forgiveness not only for those I used to blame but mostly for myself. I understand that I ended up at a dead end because of my choices, and the ability to keep forgiving. And while it is an explanation of why things went where they did, it is also a source of strength. If I can survive the heartache, the stretching and pulling of my heart, my self worth, my everything to move towards the new me...I am pretty sure I can handle anything.
Today was a horribly difficult day at work. We experienced a loss and with our folks its just never very easy. But the amazing people I work with pulled up their bootstraps and we walked through the first steps of dealing with grief.
I know that alot of my strength and courage has been gleened from those I spend my work life with. To watch them in grace and peace today was beautiful at a most horrible time. It is the same no matter what life challenge presents they are the cream that rises to the top.
We don't really get to choose what challenges this life holds for us, but we create better or worse by the way we deal with it. I love that I no longer feel like a victim, fear what's next or hide from the inevitable. I have been pushed, stretched and squished by the last few years...but in the end I am ready for what the changes are doing to my heart, my smile, to my future.
I am ready to be the butterfly in my life. I have so many friends who are supporting the changes, cheering the improvements and reminding me I still have a long way to go. I am clinging to the hope that this too proves to be one of those things that is all to the good.
Watching the others who have gone before me and seeing how their beauty shines in their eyes, and radiates from their hearts is inspiring. I am ready to fly right along side each of my fellow flutterers, as we grow into our butterfly lives!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Changes come whether we are ready for them or not, and sometimes the change is just you...or me.
by Pamela Smith Masters on Monday, April 18, 2011 at 11:29pm.
So over the last few months I have noticed a definite change in almost every aspect of my life, my home, my family, my friends, my job and my-SELF. Some of the changes have been welcome and obvious answers to questions or concerns. Others have been a bit mistifying and have brought up memories of old fears and habits of a life now long gone or at least I thought.
But now as I am definitely making strides to get the changes all recognized, notarized and understood, I see a pattern developing in what I thought was just a random series of events. I have all but stopped caring what people think of me, and I don't mean that in an ugly way, I mean it in the purest form of self-respect....while I have never set out to create problems for others, likewise I am pretty capable of understanding how to prevent issues in my life as well. I can also remember a time feeling so much like a victim in each "tough spell" that happened to be plaguing or gracing (all depends are your perspective)my life.
I have people in my life that I count as friends, they are there when I need them, they call on me when they are in need. We share the good, the bad and the ugly. I have begun to create boundaries that are not negotiable. Your lessons to me are about me learning to love myself and you. I have developed an almost complete understanding of those who are wonderful about co-existing in life and those who are so self motivated that they only take. I see people as gifts to my reality and pieces of my joy. And while it is never good to see someone go, I understand that their changes are to help them get to where they are headed, and that doesnt always include me. I miss some of them, and others only parts of them...mostly the parts that made me better. Not the parts that hurt me on a regular basis, seemed only to be present to make me question my sanity or that always seems to be reminders that I was attracting those things I do not want.
I understand too, that my mistakes don't define who I am anymore than my changes do. I am here because I was meant to be, you are a part of my life because I needed your lesson, love or heartache. Your life is a gift to mine, and if it is for a day or a lifetime I appreciate and understand the gift.
Each time someone leaves, I get to see another piece of my growth, just as when they joined the adventure. But it is yet again just another change for us both to feel, grow and move from. It doesnt have to be a complete exit, sometimes its just a shift in our ability to appreciate the differences or a dislike that now holds most of our attention. I can see that as we may like personalities, there are behaviors that become more apparent that can begin to take a relationship to a new road that neither expected. I was told once that if we say we are friends then that means forever, but I feel that sometimes when we meet, we dont fully see who that other person chooses to be, we only see who they want us to see. Eventually all the parts will be visible and the lesson clear and the end near.
At each step of the journey I have been on, I have had only one goal....personal growth. I do not ever expect to get to a point in my life where I can say I GOT IT all figured out. But I do hope that each milestone or change point, I can look towards my recent path and see that there has been growth. One of the things I am most proud of if the fact that I not only seek to do no harm, but at each issued invitation for someone to have less access to my heart, I can let them see the exit sign without having to take on mountains of guilt that some feel I should carry. I understand that not only is my happiness my choosing, but it is also my responsibility. Each time I give permission for someone to be present in my life when all they bring with them is sadness and harm, the fault is mine. So when I set that boundary that says they are no longer allowed, it still is a bit amazing to me that I did not know that I had this choice all along. I still feel the sting of comments made by those who not having the ability to travel down my path, who do not understand my choices. They do not have nor are they trying to find the same understanding that they fault me for saying pass on. I don't try to understand you---I want to care for you , be your friend and have you in my life. But the requirement for an open ticket is that you have the same goals and similar moral compass. If comments that you often make are about how you can trick someone into giving you what you want, how great a freind they are because they keep buying you things, or other obvious one upmanship remarks, I am afraid we many not even be playing in the same game let alone on the same field or team.
I have also begun to see a pattern in my earnest concern to change old habits that are more than obvious. This is going to be the hardest change, because those habits have been the crutches that help to hobble me through the old life. They are no longer needed, but hang on they do---for dear life. This last stronghold of self-punishment seems to be something that one cannot think their way past. There has to be an almost momnumental emotional, physical shift in addictions...and that too I can feel is about to come.
One of the most interesting aspects of this time in transition for me is that lack of desire to be in certain places. I don't have a problem being there, or here or anywhere, but am having trouble finding the motivation to be anywhere that used to hold so much entertainment for me. I thought this aspect was the most strange until a recent discussion with a friend and she has noticed the same change in herself....could be why we are friends, our paths are defnitely similar.
I also have developed a clear and present understanding of those people I dont like---or at least the repetitive behavior that pushes me to push them a safe distance away. And where in the life of the old me, I would have seen those things as issues about them, but now I just see it for what it is, a shift in me. I don't even have to like or feel anything for others, to still have the desire to send them love and peace. I have no longing to change them, or make them my concern. I simply allow them to be whatever it is they are meant to be in my life...and it is done. While others who seem to relish their continued abuse of their kindnesses and forgiveness of harms that give the phrase glutton for punishment a whole new meaning...the fact that this hits too close to home must be able to be clearly seen by many, but seemed to have eluded me for what seems like generations.
I don't expect many to even understand what it is I write, nor do I care if they do or don't I am not writing anything so that it will be an answer or help to anyone else. I write for my clarity. To capture those moments of understanding that thrill me to no end. I do not seek to change anyone not even myself, I simply am moving forward, living each moment, understanding that all failures and successes belong to everyone who is riding the bus....and knowing that no one ever deserves to be thrown under it.
.
So over the last few months I have noticed a definite change in almost every aspect of my life, my home, my family, my friends, my job and my-SELF. Some of the changes have been welcome and obvious answers to questions or concerns. Others have been a bit mistifying and have brought up memories of old fears and habits of a life now long gone or at least I thought.
But now as I am definitely making strides to get the changes all recognized, notarized and understood, I see a pattern developing in what I thought was just a random series of events. I have all but stopped caring what people think of me, and I don't mean that in an ugly way, I mean it in the purest form of self-respect....while I have never set out to create problems for others, likewise I am pretty capable of understanding how to prevent issues in my life as well. I can also remember a time feeling so much like a victim in each "tough spell" that happened to be plaguing or gracing (all depends are your perspective)my life.
I have people in my life that I count as friends, they are there when I need them, they call on me when they are in need. We share the good, the bad and the ugly. I have begun to create boundaries that are not negotiable. Your lessons to me are about me learning to love myself and you. I have developed an almost complete understanding of those who are wonderful about co-existing in life and those who are so self motivated that they only take. I see people as gifts to my reality and pieces of my joy. And while it is never good to see someone go, I understand that their changes are to help them get to where they are headed, and that doesnt always include me. I miss some of them, and others only parts of them...mostly the parts that made me better. Not the parts that hurt me on a regular basis, seemed only to be present to make me question my sanity or that always seems to be reminders that I was attracting those things I do not want.
I understand too, that my mistakes don't define who I am anymore than my changes do. I am here because I was meant to be, you are a part of my life because I needed your lesson, love or heartache. Your life is a gift to mine, and if it is for a day or a lifetime I appreciate and understand the gift.
Each time someone leaves, I get to see another piece of my growth, just as when they joined the adventure. But it is yet again just another change for us both to feel, grow and move from. It doesnt have to be a complete exit, sometimes its just a shift in our ability to appreciate the differences or a dislike that now holds most of our attention. I can see that as we may like personalities, there are behaviors that become more apparent that can begin to take a relationship to a new road that neither expected. I was told once that if we say we are friends then that means forever, but I feel that sometimes when we meet, we dont fully see who that other person chooses to be, we only see who they want us to see. Eventually all the parts will be visible and the lesson clear and the end near.
At each step of the journey I have been on, I have had only one goal....personal growth. I do not ever expect to get to a point in my life where I can say I GOT IT all figured out. But I do hope that each milestone or change point, I can look towards my recent path and see that there has been growth. One of the things I am most proud of if the fact that I not only seek to do no harm, but at each issued invitation for someone to have less access to my heart, I can let them see the exit sign without having to take on mountains of guilt that some feel I should carry. I understand that not only is my happiness my choosing, but it is also my responsibility. Each time I give permission for someone to be present in my life when all they bring with them is sadness and harm, the fault is mine. So when I set that boundary that says they are no longer allowed, it still is a bit amazing to me that I did not know that I had this choice all along. I still feel the sting of comments made by those who not having the ability to travel down my path, who do not understand my choices. They do not have nor are they trying to find the same understanding that they fault me for saying pass on. I don't try to understand you---I want to care for you , be your friend and have you in my life. But the requirement for an open ticket is that you have the same goals and similar moral compass. If comments that you often make are about how you can trick someone into giving you what you want, how great a freind they are because they keep buying you things, or other obvious one upmanship remarks, I am afraid we many not even be playing in the same game let alone on the same field or team.
I have also begun to see a pattern in my earnest concern to change old habits that are more than obvious. This is going to be the hardest change, because those habits have been the crutches that help to hobble me through the old life. They are no longer needed, but hang on they do---for dear life. This last stronghold of self-punishment seems to be something that one cannot think their way past. There has to be an almost momnumental emotional, physical shift in addictions...and that too I can feel is about to come.
One of the most interesting aspects of this time in transition for me is that lack of desire to be in certain places. I don't have a problem being there, or here or anywhere, but am having trouble finding the motivation to be anywhere that used to hold so much entertainment for me. I thought this aspect was the most strange until a recent discussion with a friend and she has noticed the same change in herself....could be why we are friends, our paths are defnitely similar.
I also have developed a clear and present understanding of those people I dont like---or at least the repetitive behavior that pushes me to push them a safe distance away. And where in the life of the old me, I would have seen those things as issues about them, but now I just see it for what it is, a shift in me. I don't even have to like or feel anything for others, to still have the desire to send them love and peace. I have no longing to change them, or make them my concern. I simply allow them to be whatever it is they are meant to be in my life...and it is done. While others who seem to relish their continued abuse of their kindnesses and forgiveness of harms that give the phrase glutton for punishment a whole new meaning...the fact that this hits too close to home must be able to be clearly seen by many, but seemed to have eluded me for what seems like generations.
I don't expect many to even understand what it is I write, nor do I care if they do or don't I am not writing anything so that it will be an answer or help to anyone else. I write for my clarity. To capture those moments of understanding that thrill me to no end. I do not seek to change anyone not even myself, I simply am moving forward, living each moment, understanding that all failures and successes belong to everyone who is riding the bus....and knowing that no one ever deserves to be thrown under it.
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)