A message to the bullies in my life. Those who act like friends, but then when the opportunity shows itself for meanness you always show up. To those who pretend to be friends only to see my words and then use them against me. Poking fun at my beliefs, ridiculing that which I seek to accomplish and diminishing my dreams with others because you have no dreams of your own. This blog~erapy post is for you.

When you seek only to act with love, you find those who are loving. When you choose the path that is honorable and fulfills your personal mission, your steps become light and with a rhythm that echoes your heart. When you turn away from those who refuse to see your gifts, and at the same time you refuse to bow to their cruel taunting and jabs at your heart, you find a piece of yourself that is so strong, that no matter how hard they come, what mean words they use or stories they twist to fit the story which lies far from the truth, you become more sure of your truth.

I can only attract into my life that which I believe to be true. I still believe in bullies, wanna be impressers who stoop to cruelty to win favor. But your intentions are to undo and mine the opposite. So tear away because the world and I see you as you are....and wait while you create that which will only come back to visit you. Please keep attacking and seeking to pile against me, I only grow stronger, and everything is always working out for me. I will still be here when you pretend to be nice when no one is watching and I will cringe as your true venom is revealed in a group. Your integrity is non existent and you have lost the real part of yourself that would feel joy, accomplishment and peace. I am not angry, only hurt, but that will heal. Each time another brave soul seeks to be true to them-self you will lose your power because they will not be hammered into a version of their-self that suits you.

If you think no One hears your whispers and plotting then you are deaf. If you believe you intentions go unnoticed then you are mislead. If you think removing someone unjustly will somehow right your life-ship you are disconnected from the purpose of life. Smiling as those who sought to harm, discredit and disrupt, found that their schemes didn't quiet go as they had planned.

When will we ever learn that everyone has value, that someone gaining praise, does not mean insult to us? When will we ever be sure enough of our own place in this life that bullying those we perceive as weaker will be a thing of the past? When will we seek to honor life, instead of create hate?

Story after story recently has come to light. No one that I have ever known has been completely free from this horrible human habit. No one has ever seemed to be above it...even a time or two in my life I can admit I joined in. It does not bring me pride, only pushes me to find self forgiveness and seek to never let it happen again from me or another.

I accepted that not everyone is going to like me years ago, but often when the ugly shows up, it still does not go down easy. I guess I don't understand their dislike. If only there was a way to get them to say what their motive is. If only their words and actions would line up. If in their circle they could resolve their hate for others by acting to learn to love themselves. It must be a lonely lonely place to have so much hate inside for self that you learn only to hate others. It must be a horrible prison to see a viable use of your life account to waste the minutes hurting another human. A created life that is here for a purpose, maybe not unlike yours, or even as different from you as daylight to dark. But differences are the thing that makes life interesting, if you were all like me what fun would that be?

Can we just get along the famous words now that always bring a man named Rodney to mind. Like the current GREEN SHIRTS that scream " I am with Shea" or the single one that says "I am SHEA", why must we ever hear the horrible news of some other human treating someone as if they were less than. When we are all so much more than our physical appearance or challenges. When each person even the worse of any are here to teach us something. Why must we ever allow ugly bullying behavior to exist or go unpunished. I am waiting to hear the charges for those people who directed their meanness and a wonderful girl. I am so proud of her mom, for standing up. For giving it all she had to get the story told. For taking every opportunity to take this ugly super power of bullying and turn it into something great. A movement, a mass of green going after the offenders. But when they are caught, I hope we will refrain from becoming them. I hope we admonish them for their bad behavior, but then seek to be the voice of reason to help them heal and find forgiveness as well as a point in life to start over. We all deserve a second chance, even more if we learn a little slow how to live in peace, honor each other and grow with love.



I am hopeful to hear a best outcome for the story about SHEA, if you have not read it yet...you should. And then share any bullying story you have here and lets work on healing a few more hurts...ok?

No chasing for me...action, accept the response, moving on~~careful editing can be such a joy.

Working on a day off surely means I love what I do...

Discerning when its time to stop working at something, a relationship, a goal, a choice, surely means I understand why I do all that I do.

Appreciating even the lessons that I don't really like means I get to enjoy all that I do.

Yea....that's my Sunday...back to editing.

Why must we have a leader?

Recently I was given the most amazing opportunity to be a part of a very exclusive training called the Georgetown University Leadership Academy. Not only was I very honored to have been selected to represent my community, I was a bit floored as to all that this would mean for me. In the years since the academy was founded only 2,000 have attended and become alumni. An annual gathering is held each July for those who took the education, processes and self change back to the community to come back together and share what this event has meant in their own life. I was not even a bit disappointed to find out this was not your ordinary little seminar where the very nice instructors give you tips and hints on how to do your job a little better. I don't even for second want to compare this life changing week to anything that small.

This mind warp of instructional information was trans formative. I went thinking I was going to be addressing issues that i have had at work, with others and in some situations in my life. What I came home with was an utterly humbling understanding that the only blocks in my leadership were me. Kinda of a jagged little pill...but I so needed the medicine.

Over the last 17 years I have been on catch up journey. I had gotten sidetracked in my early life and went down a path that was not only self destructive, but it was me who gave my power to someone who never had any part of my heart, well being or dreams even on their radar let alone giving a shit what I wanted. The other person was and still is so very self centered, but that's now what this is about. That time in my life was my choice, I gave my power away and standing on any corner and screaming things were unfair is not only wrong, it's downright stupid.

It's still very hard for me to talk about the systemic change in me, but also a little hard to convey how this will change the way I work towards change in my own job, community and personal life.

If anyone every comes to you and says "Hey you should go to this academy from Georgetown U--" don't even think about it...just add my voice to the should and sign up. It will teach you so much about leadership, but the most important stuff you will learn will be about you. I highly recommend it for anyone working in a service system position.

Why must we have a leader? Because it is only through the vision of one or many that life moves up the ladder of better for all, equal and fair, one nation under God, indivisible with liberty and justice...not even kidding.

Redundant

If you ask me if you can ask me a question, isn't it true that you in fact have already asked me a question? And what if I say no? Isn't it true that I already answered a question and therefore I lied because I did let you ask me a question? Redundancy is such a turn off--

Gifts are in the understanding

The greatest part of self discovery, acknowledging lessons and loving life is understanding. I no longer have to worry about doubting myself because I understand there are no wrong answers. I understand that what ever has happened is past, and I can decide what I will hang onto, choose to let go of, and discern the stories I will tell of my history. I am no longer a victim of the coulda, woulda, shouldas--I accept the decisions, appreciate the gifts and forgive anything in between. Its not a popular way to live, but that doesn't keep me from wishing it for others. If I feel guilt it is usually temporary. If I make a mistake, its only a part of the story, because the end result always contains elements of good. I see so many who are telling the story as it was, but I choose to tell the story as it is. There is no real shame unless we decide to feel it. There is no reason to ever dwell on any emotion unless it is joy. Feelings are not facts, they are present to guide us back to finding our happy, we never never never are deserving of a bad feeling, and it is not our just destination. We don't grow by feeling bad, shameful or guilty. Those are feelings we were told we should feel, because we are not perfect. The opposite is true. Those feelings happen because we are out of alignment with our true self. Our life path is as smooth or as bumpy as our decisions set it up to be. We are in pain, self loathing or turmoil because we do not accept that we have chosen where we ended up. I used to say I didn't choose all the drama, but allowing someone else to make decisions for me was still my decision!! Personal responsibility for where my life is means I also get to choose where it goes. I have days where I feel all of the old emotions, but I also recognize the triggers and am working on hiding those buttons from the ones who show up to push them. Forgiving myself and letting go of the ugly stories means that I am present and available to start over when ever someone who has been angry, resentful or grudge filled shows up to star over. The other amazing part of this awareness is knowing that the people I need to reach my happy will always show up to help. But if I am focusing on feeling bad, deciding that I deserve misery, or choosing to accept ickiness as what has to happen, those people will show up too! Thank you Tim--my life class with you changed my life--and even though some will say,"there is no way you can be that happy" the truth is--I am. I don't have it all, but believe as I work towards my true self I will...and find more happy as I go along, because can choose what shows up and I choose the good stuff.

Dear Mamaw,

I often reread this letter to you...tonight as I sat working on a book, a children's book and play I thought of you, and looked for this letter and wanted so much for you to be able to read it. You left us too soon, I remember getting the call the day before I was to see you that year on Mother's Day. I remember wishing that someone had called me the day before to let me know you were not doing well, and how I wished I could have hugged you and said one more time "I love you more" and seen your beautiful smile as you said it back to me...MORE! I will forever miss you, but I know that you were a wonderful influence in my life and that I carry you with me always.

I love you more Mamaw,

Dear Mamaw,

I can’t even tell you how many times during a week I think about you. I remember and share about the weeks I would get to spend one on one time with you in the summers. I remember all the things you taught me. Crocheting, when I was so young that I didn’t even know I shouldn’t be able to do it. I remember so many times creating creatures, doll clothes and so many other fun things without even a pattern…or before even knowing what a pattern was. I remember sewing lessons, quilting and so many other crafty things you taught me to do.

I remember the weekly shopping trips when I was visiting you in the summer, and how amazing I thought it was that the store clerks knew your name and were so happy to see you and help you with your needs. I remember the little gifts you would let me get at the local stores…especially a little tea set that I had for years.

I remember how every time I would walk into your house there would be something wonderful cooking or cooling and waiting for us to taste. I remember the way that you always made me feel so important and how I was always sure that I was your favorite grandkid. Actually several years ago when all of your grands were together we had a pretty heated discussion about how ALL of us thought we were the favorite!!

I remember holidays with all the family gathering at your home and how it always seemed like you were the glue that kept us together…and now that you are gone from us, I am more than sure that you were.
I remember even after I was “grown” the times that you were there for me sending me something I needed or just opening your home for an extended visit.

I want to thank you most for the example you set as a wonderful caring woman. Your life is an example of how one can live without complaining, without talking about others in a disparaging way and how when you are generous to others with love and time, you remain in their hearts forever.

For all these things and for all you were to all of us, I thank you.

~pam

S-T-R-E-T-C-H

Growing is always a stretching of what we know, who we think we are and what we see in the world...
S T R E T C H I N G feels good--that is all.

It would seem the lessons in life create a theme or series of circumstances that lead to growth. In appreciation for this latest round of difficulties, I have been gifted a month of the most amazing new opportunities, answers to some mysteries and healing both physically and emotionally. I also got one lesson so well that I smiled at my anger.

I also have several new relationships with amazing new friends, some I have been missing have popped in to spend a little catch up time, and a others who always seem to be present making their presence known in a bigger way. I don't feel pressure to perform or even fear of failing. I speak only of truth, even in the face of anger and attack, I still speak my truth.

I have lost the fear of the past, or actually most of all fears have left me. I no longer worry if you will like me, but celebrate in the moments when you say you do! I have lost the need to make new friends to replace any lost, but new ones come to me easily and without more effort than reaching out. I have left behind the things that used to keep me twisted up. The feeling that I am not good enough, cannot do enough, cannot get enough to feel that I am enough. I am enough. I am precious and wonderfully created. I experience the joy of almost each moment and even when I am stretched beyond my joy, I find joy in the stretching.

I seek only to share with others this path to peace. I don't feel the need to force someone to find it, or even worry that they have not. I have nothing more than a twinge of sadness when I recognize the sadness in others, then I move on to say a message of prayer for them to find what they seek and accept even if what they seek is the drama I have left behind.

I listen to those who have more of what I want, and hear most those who know what I wish to see in my reality. I love any and all who cross my path, even when they are caught up in a action that reeks of no self love. Their dislike for themselves surely feels as a call for me to fix or change, but only for a moment and then I remember it is not my damage to repair. I also realize that living a life that is love centered and peace directed, I serve as an example of where life can be a joy. It is up to each person to find the path most pleasing and only if they choose.

I still from time to time will issue a prayer to make someone softer and gentler when interacting with me and if they choose over and over again to be abrasive, I pray for them to be removed from my reality. It still is a bit of a mystery to me how removing the anger from my reaction and sending and feeling only love for those who are in obvious pain and sharing hurt, removes their opportunity to hurt or attack my life.

In the most utter appreciation for the spiritual learning of the last few days, I share in hopes that someone else may find this as an opportunity to seek peace.

I also shared recently a remembering of the path to peace from an extreme drama centered life. I thought at moments traveling the path towards peace that I would lose my mind. Because the habit of accepting, creating and living through drama felt so alive, although painful and tear filled...to me this path felt alive. So traveling to peace often gifted me days where the feeling of quiet and calm felt alone, sad or even forgotten. I had to learn to focus on a different way of living, and path that is about loving self and others, a practice of forgiving all perceived harms instead of replaying them for dramatic effect.

I have come to understand that much of my previous life was fear based. I was afraid people would not like me if I didn't do things for them. I had given up my choices and allowed someone to control and punish me. I was lost in fear. The lessons showed up for me to face down my fears...some really hard lessons. Losing a home, losing friends, losing a marriage, losing a job were all moments that I had to come from focusing on the fear that then brought to be. I grew to understand they fears were brought to my reality because I kept focusing on them. I was going through them with the fear being so real, but then coming to understand that even in these most feared events, I also got gifts and love and understanding from all those who were loving me in spite of myself. Even more than just surviving, I went through finding joy and appreciation for each of the pain filled paths.

I have learned that if I want to be well, that I must focus on being well. I have come to see that if I want to feel love, that I must focus on what love means to me. I now see that if peace is important I spotlight all that shows up and helps to create peace in my life. I focus on what I see as right and try not to ever see anything as wrong. It simply is what it is for right now. I try to find things I like about me instead of seeking things to hate or change.

Over the last week I also had moments and memories that reminded me why living a fear based life leaves us to find more to fear. Its a self fulfilling prophesy. The more we speak what is true the more of that truth we will see. It is a bit of a trick to look at each thing and not get hung up on the "WHAT IS"....even one friend recently said "BUT its the truth and I do not want to lie" I told her you do not have to lie, you just have to start focusing on the part of the truth you want to see. If you were made less sad, then that is closer to happy than to repeat that you were ever sad--see the change? The emotion is the same, but the way you choose to acknowledge it opens the pathway to more positive energy, which will bring more positive energy reality moments.

I have seen relationships healed and severed, and I have found something to be grateful for in each. I have witnessed it often in my life and I am convinced I am responsible for all that I see...simply by choosing how to see it. The energy surrounding the emotions are the creative force for the next thing, experience and or lesson.

Painting myself into a corner

It's always good to ask ourselves why?

Why do we believe the way we do-
Why do we refuse to change what is not working-
Why do we allow others to hurt or continue damage in our lives-
Why do we fear that which could bring us peace-

My lesson for today is to not accept anything as status quo. If anything is feeling troublesome, making me anxious or just irritating me, it's time to ask myself why.

When we do accept it as our lot in life, the pain we deserve or accept that we are being punished,we then decide and choose what we have always done and we choose to stay stuck in our yesterdays.

Think of it like this...always picking the same thing is like painting yourself into a corner...because that's how you have always painted the floor.

Many years ago my mentor made a suggestion, he felt like I was holding on to too many "but I have always dones" and it was time to break some of those routine actions, thoughts and beliefs to help me move forward a bit more in my life class.

It was amazing! Things as simple as how I brushed my teeth and changing which hand I used and which side I started on to the time of day I brushed them started opening up little cracks in the hard line brain function.

I began to question so many of my habits and why I had them. I started to see how so much of my programming was not even from some conscious decision but rather some part of a tape I never remember recording. It was like getting a ctrl/alt/delete to my hard drive.

It was a simple exercise that I started applying to all areas of my life. I then was listening to a speaker and he relayed story about trapping ourselves by our repetitive thoughts and behaviors. I started thinking about changing more and more and felt as if I was growing by leaps and bounds. I began to put aside all the things I thought I was sure of and reexamine all those beliefs until I could find the answers for me and my life path. It was an altering like no other thing in my life had ever brought. I could literally feel changes happening in my happiness levels, my ability to feel joy and most importantly could open my mind to understand so much more about universal forces and the real workings of life.

I won't tell you it was easy, in fact it was one of the hardest times in my life. It also sent me down a path that brought much more heart ache and losses. But no thing ever taken away ever leaves a space not filled. It allowed spaces in my heart, my thoughts and my beliefs to be filled with things that rang true for me...not just what others told me. It allowed me to develop a type of lie detector. For some reason when you go searching for your personal answers and reconcile so many of the unanswered things, life kinda gives you gifts in return.

The gift of insight. I can often see a decision and the outcome almost at the same time. It removes the anxiety because there is a knowing and even if I am not sure I have also learned that no problem comes to us without their being an answer or skills to deal with the changes the upset it brings.

The gift of honesty. One of my most favorites is not only being able to live within honesty, it gives me an uncanny sense that helps me discern the honesty in other situations. My red flags go off and while I may never be sure, many times the truth is revealed and I get to see how close to right my instincts were.

The loss of fear. This is a big gift! If you don't think fear can be a damaging fact of life, just try and think of one or more things that makes you feel fearful. How many times to you sit and find a worry spot over something that might happen, but often it doesn't. Likewise how many times have you used your fearful thoughts to help create the thing you most feared would happen. This is not some strange occurrence. We are each capable with our thoughts to help bring about situations in our lives that give us opportunities to choose the path we want. We can help these things along with joy or fear...whichever we choose. Losing fear means that one understands the frailness of life, and all the things that can go wrong, but instead of allowing fear to direct my life and my thoughts I seek to see the good in all things even to some degree losing the words right and wrong, good or bad and just relying on being in the now and what is, is what is. It holds no connotation. Everything is just and opportunity to solve the next puzzle, enjoy the next adventure and come to the understanding that this human life has an expiration date. The end.

Finally the loss of regrets. Finding that each situation in my life was in some way created by me, for me, allows me to always see that I could have made better choices. I am able at any given moment to step away from someone creating harm or drama in my life, and say this is not for me. This lesson has already been learned and I choose to step away while you play in it all you want. I do not make the choice with anger or any emotion. It is simply my decision to find peace, even if I have to move in a direction those who do not see the value in this lifestyle cannot or will not follow.

Life was not designed to be a path of temptations, tribulations and trials. It was meant to give us the opportunity to be fully alive and seek the path of happy, joyful, loving moments. Understanding that our choices can bring the other stuff, but giving it no more credence than any of the other emotions, it just a momentary change in our emotional state and does not have to be a life long suffering, if we recognize it, feel it, understand how we helped to create it and then find the path away from it and back to our heart smile.

Getting out in front of our pains and problems is not magic, although it can sometimes feel a bit like it is. It simply means that when you are faced with any choice you do a bit of self awareness...ask a few questions and then move forward. You get to decide what those questions are, and how you answer them. I could give you my list, but then, they are the questions that work for me. They have come to be my math questions to get the answers that I want in life. Do all the choices I am making life = Peace-Joy-Happy and if not...what can I choose instead so my answer it what I want?

There is no have-to in this process. The truth of it is as I see it that when the last breath has left your physical self you will get all the answers. You will be able to see the choices, learn from the pain and see another way to paint your floor. You will wake up in the spiritual ever after and say one of two things..."Well shoot--that could have gone better" or "So glad I figured that all out". Either way God Lives through us as us...quoting Eat,Pray,Love. I believe this to be true because I feel the presence daily, and I found a better way to paint my floor.

This might be a little off my normal topic...but worthy of the writing just the same...here kitty, kitty, kitty!!

Recently I have been made aware of many groups of animal lovers who are screaming for local shelters including ours to to become a no-kill agency. And while I absolutely love the idea of no person ever having to be the one who issues a euthanasia order or carries one out, there is one major point that many of the animal lovers are forgetting...or even maybe a few.

So please hear this...we as a country do not have an ANIMAL CONTROL PROBLEM. Most communities of any size have some type of shelter or program that deals with strays and unwanted animals. But they are not anything more than a control center. Cities are challenged to meet the needs and safety measures for their human residents...and by challenged I mean, they are fighting the downturn of the economy just like the rest of us. So they are asking their employees of each department to do more, with less. They are struggling to maintain a quality of life for the well being of all those who live within their borders.

The problem that our cities have is a human control problem. We all have neighbors who are irresponsible pet owners. They allow their pets to breed but have no intention of homing and caring for the many puppies or kittens their pet creates each year. They simply try to sell them or give them away, without using any type of consideration on where or with whom their pets offspring will reside. They feel that pets have the right to breed as given them by their creator. But please when you use this as an excuse to not spay or neuter your pets you are forgetting one major point about the reproductive life of a cat or dog. Before domestication when animals fought to survive in the wild the chances of a full litter getting to adulthood was much slimmer than the present day critters who live in your shelter, are protected from disease and predators and in general live as well as their owners.

Also if you were to spend a day in any shelter in our country, you would be shocked at the number of well groomed, sometimes full blood and loved animals who are RELEASED by their owners due to a life change. When the push comes to shove of life, hard choices must be made and lets face it a pet is a luxury. They also feel as if they give it to the shelter hopefully someone will come along and give it a home.

I challenge you to just spend one day walking in the shoes of an animal control officer. It's not really a fun or glamorous job. They have to deal with irate irresponsible pet owners who don't understand why it's a problem that their pit bull was out of it's yard yet again...chasing everyone's mail man or the kid riding his bike to school. They have to make the calls on those owners who never seem to remember that a dog needs water, food and shelter at all times, not just when it is convenient.

They have to go and peel the remains of animals off the highways and city streets so that we don't have to see or smell them as we take our afternoon stroll with our cute little puppy on his leash.

I believe we do not have an animal control problem. We have narrow minded pet owners who agree to see the right to have a pet as the only part of responsible pet ownership.

So the next time you get on any soap box on what your city should do, unless you are willing to write the check to make the change, I really encourage you to walk a mile in the shoes of those who have to handle the problem that exists. A problem that has very little to do with the cute puppy or your third litter of kittens this year...it is a human problem.

Do the math...

Pet ownership costs -
pet 0 to $1000
food up to $50 a month
vaccinations $100
Spay or nueter $65
shelter, etc...as much as you choose to spend.

Now you multiply this by the many hundreds of unwanted, abandoned or released animals in a city of 29 thousand people....

If just each person owns one, that is the potential for the city to have to deal with 29 thousand pets....but wait, you have to consider that these pets "have the right to reproduce" and see the next math problem.

How many cats will you have in 9 years...the average life of a sweet little pet kitty?



I know each of the animal control employees in our city. They are good and committed employees. They are governed by the laws and ordinances of YOUR city. They are required to follow the rules that you as citizens have either played a part in creating or ignored because you didn't think it pertained to you. They have compassion, work hard to place as many of the animals as they can. I have even seen some of them tear up because their choices were limited by the resources your tax dollars barely provide. I have volunteered, fostered and participated in events trying to make the situation better...but I haven't seen any of those screaming for a no kill shelter ever when I have been there.

I feel that instead of attacking those who have been doing the job for years, throwing insults at honest and caring humans, or even choosing to feel only for the animals in this situation you should try to be part of the solution. By that I mean work for it. Write the check that covers each animal in need. Build a bigger shelter so that when all the cages are full, we can just add more...oh and do you know how much a state qualified pen costs?

I love my pet, cry when one passes away, wish I could have and be able to care of many more...but I am being responsible and taking care of the ONE that I have, who is nuetered...and always in the yard or on a leash when outside.

Someone told me the other day, that "a certain someone" that we both know doesn't like me very much. I had to giggle, first because they felt the need to tell me...second, because I am not even a little bit sad about someone not liking me. Let's face it, I'm not really very normal, have a pretty loud and obnoxious laugh, and don't really give a rip when someone doesn't like me.

My self confidence is huge...and my self forgiveness is always available for me to say sorry. I choose not to offend, nor to be offended...by others issues, mistakes, words or drama.

Everyday I am grateful for the life lessons that have lead me to here. Each moment I am free from the things that used to twist me up on the inside I am aware of my gifts. I accept the disregard of those who cannot see or who cannot hear what I share because they are not at a space/time to be aware. I don't share to change, fix or even help. I write for me...the lessons are important and if it helps someone else, raises their vibration, assists with the letting go of one more thing holding them back...then that's just a glorious bonus.

My intention is to live this life, appreciate all that I am given and love those who grace my path. My focus is to be what I most want to see in my life...peace, love, gratitude, joy and fun...lots and lots of fun.

I turn away from sadness at my losses, because I have some to understand that some may never be on this path, does not make mine better or theirs worse....each person gets to their destination on their own terms. I understand that in letting go that which is destined to leave, only opens space for what is next. All stories must end, all chapters lead to another, and each is worth reading.

I wish only that each finds that which they seek, feels all that they are promised and sees what life was meant to be for each child of the universe...it looks pretty cool from these seats.

EDGERANK yourself to happy...joyful...life-full!!

Isn't it funny how something incredibly hard to deal with and understand can give us such a great perspective if we open our minds to the lessons of life?

This week I made a few shifts in the way I handle things and myself. The result is that I am quicker to make a decision to step away from something that is not working to bring me smiles, but at the same time I find a way to smile at that thing. I have lived through hard tragedies and things that I thought would surely defeat my spirit and will to live....but not so.

I am encouraged daily by those working to better the lives of those who have been hit hard by nature, all the while watching others fret over a broken finger nail, bad hair day or a lost something or other. I then had someone post a video that was of Brene Browns interview with Oprah and how we sometimes will super-cede our joy by waiting and looking for the other shoe to drop. STOP IT!!! But it might help if you watch this



I believe that our moments of joy are the substance of life and if we want more joy we need to be most grateful and fully engaged with all our joy. But it's not enough to just be happy when the joy arrives, it is most important that we find our joy in everything. Even if our gratitude is for the hard stuff to better appreciate the good stuff, we will see more of what we say we want when we appreciate all that we see.

Its a little bit of a trick, but we are the directors of this life. We attract more of what we say we want, much of what we believe we deserve and all that we give our attention to. Your magnifying glass(mindful attention) will magnify what you focus on.

Think of it like this...when you watch a movie, do you watch the movies you like? Ok...so from here on when you see a portion of your life movie that you like, play it over again and again. Feel the emotion that the life experience you loved, enjoyed or accept as your true life....and then get ready, because that will become your focused view.

We all get the bump, twists or twisters that are part of life...but it is up to us what we focus on. Do we see only the destruction? Or all the wonderful acts of kindness that came after.? Do we see all the pain? Or the comfort given those who were hurting?

Truth is we have to see it all, but we get to choose what we find the grace in, where we find the moments we are grateful for and which video memories will play over and over again.

We are edgeranking our lives...we see more and more of what we choose to replay, focus on and appreciate. That Mark Z managed to figure out the life magic and apply it to our communication tool of our century....yep thats pretty smart. You get to see more of what you like and comment and appreciate!! Pretty cool huh?

The word crap...

DISCLAIMER...if you are oversensitive when it comes to some words most of us do not use, cannot tolerate my grammar, have no sense of humor when it comes to mis=spelling AND how that can add humor...please, please PULLL=LEEEZEE do not read this blog. However if you choose to read on and see my views and story following this fair warning NOTICE you must leave a comment...oh and there just might be a prize involved for the best, most humorous funny left for me to read!!\\\\




Over the last several years I have been on a personal journey to be the best me. And while some would argue I have miles yet to go, I am here to tell you when I look back, it looks like a billion stars away from where I started. Arguments have been started over the facts, yes I was a drama queen, absolutely I was self centered and somewhat of a story teller, apologetically I was beyond understanding that any of this was of my own doing.

Enter the most giving and forgiving and patient human I have ever known. He came to me when I had learned secrets about a person who had consumed so much of my reality that I barely even recognized me when I looked in a mirror. The secrets were not only hurtful, they were life changing. Although I fought the change for many more years, until I finally realized what I was doing was creating an exit strategy from the reality I had created for myself.

For the most part my memories of my saving grace shaped human are all pleasant, but there are a few moments where he hit me so hard with the truth, I could have sworn there would be a bruise. But in all fairness he was hundreds of miles away when he said them. He smacked me until I woke up and could begin to see a possibility of a life better lived and a truth better served.

In all fairness there were conversations with the object of my history to try and salvage and rebuild. There were forgiveness chats, opportunities to grow together and chances to leave the drama behind. There were even moments when I felt like he would, but then there would be another ugly secret pop out of seemingly nowhere and again I would be working at building the next exit ramp.

I hold no anger for the other half of the story. I sometimes wish things would have ended better, or at least gentler, but I am the better for all of it, so no harm...well minor harm and very little of the scars even show these days.

The reason I even share this bit of my story is it all goes back to the fact that my words, thoughts and beliefs in my former life were policed. I was not always told what to think, who to like or what to pretend like I didn't see, but I had allowed much of that to keep the peace. It's a pretty weird moment when you come to realize that you have given up your hopes, dreams and ability to make decisions because you cared more about the others happiness and keeping the waves to a minimum. The journey out of that storm was quite a ride...but I am here to tell you I made it.

This fact of my history also leads to a short trigger of the me of today. It is the crazy habit of how others work at policing the freedom of speech, their version of appropriate and more. The bulk of this inspiration for today's many words came from facebook. I posted the above photo and in the 25 words you will see one that brought on a comment about it being inappropriate. Really? What is so bad about having the word crap on my facebook wall? It is mine after all. And I encourage everyone to carefully edit their life so that they can feel the freedom to share what they wish. I myself have hidden much of the drama and I do not miss it at all...nor will I EVER. But I am still a bit sensitive over the recent comment "Hey you used the word crap".

Just in case you have any question, I also know all about the many other curse words that are prevalent in today's verbal history. And while I have a pretty good grasp of the English language, and know the correct context for crap, shit and many other of those only sometime appropriate used words in public, I do not ever feel like I should ever give up my freedom to use them. Does it offend my sensibilities when someone uses the word FUCK sixty one times in one retelling? Well yes, but that has more to do with my ingrained English lessons, when my wonderful teacher said repetitive use of the same word in a paragraph or even essay was inappropriate and would lead to a deduction on my grade. So I worked hard at learning many words that mean the same or similar things. I also have gotten pretty good at word blending. Using one or more words to create the just right fit to what I am trying to say.

Basically if you don't like what or how someone says something...don't listen. Step away and find another path. But above all choose to NOT be OFFENDED. I believe that the freedom of speech is not only a right, is a blessing to be coveted, honored and used often and is part of what others in our world would die for. It is in sharing the ideas and colorful words that many a message was passed on from one person to a group. It is within my right to hear everything you say as well as your choice to say it.

I have a pretty good grasp on English, even though some of good grammars finer points sometimes elude me, I can get up and share information and have yet to have tomatoes thrown at me or booed off a stage.

Anytime you choose to let someones choices offend you, you are painting yourself into a corner. You are saying that unless the world behaves in a way which suits me, I am not able to happy, comfortable or content. You are deciding to place your peace in the hands of those who have no business holding it for you, nor who could really give a rip if you have it. Basically pick your battles...do you really want to spend your limited minutes in this life telling others how talk and what to say?

Any of the words that might be mentioned in a heated argument, violent altercation or even just because someone is in the habit of getting attention by shocking the word police in their airspace. As a mom of 5 kids I asked a few teenagers to please watch their language and was yelled at more than once with "get over it...its a damn fucking word".



Even Webster shares the definition of some of these words with little fanfare or drama.

Definition of CRAP
1
a usually vulgar : feces
b usually vulgar : the act of defecating
2
sometimes vulgar : nonsense, rubbish; also : stuff 4b
Origin of CRAP
British dialect crap, craps residue from rendered fat, from Middle English crappe, perhaps from Old French crappe chaff, residue, from Medieval Latin crappa

FUCK
1
usually obscene : copulate
2
usually vulgar : mess 3 —used with with
transitive verb
1
usually obscene : to engage in coitus with —sometimes used interjectionally with an object (as a personal or reflexive pronoun) to express anger, contempt, or disgust
2
usually vulgar : to deal with unfairly or harshly : cheat, screw
See fuck defined for English-language learners »

I started trying to remember why I was offended. I began to take the disgust and anger apart and all I could come up with is that my mom had given me a list of the "bad words". I was told that if I said them in school I would have to go visit the principal. I was told that many words were unacceptable. But if that is so why do we have them in our language? What words would we use in their place? Because every word describes a something. Each part of our language is there to help us describe some action, thing or person. Names are just as important, and rarely ever thought of as bad, but if we are going to keep with the practice of policing, I just want to go on the record to say all men who are called DICK should just go change their name.

I often hear folks talk about the things that drive them crazy, like misused grammar, words that mean something else and clearly used incorrectly and on and on it goes. And while it does get a bit aggravating, I am not sure we will ever fix all those who are guilty of the transgressions. I have actually gotten to the point where sometimes I use the wrong word and don't go back and fix it because it adds to the humor. But then I find most everything entertaining or enlightening, these days. I have even started trying to do away with the words good and bad. I think that in my desire to describe everything as being a good or bad, it has closed me off to the better that can come from any thing that was part of my reality.


I personally do not like racial humor, am kinda sensitive when it comes to fat references in comedy, and think blond jokes although usually based on truth are inappropriate because the subjects rarely get the punch line. But you won't find me correcting those who find the humor in any of it, because no matter how hurtful or wrong I think it is, that is where that person is emotionally. They are projecting to the world not only what they think of others, they are telling you what they think of themselves. They are saying that they believe they are smarter and should get to decide who is a better human or a which words we can and cannot use. They believe that for some reason most of us will never know they have been blessed with the vision that is even higher than the giver of life. They feel as if they hate something because they fear it, then it must be ok to dis the creator and all that he sees as beautiful...ie everyone.

Now to do a little backtracking to what started this blog to begin with...the word crap...used to describe a way some people have chosen to treat others. There are several different ways to work my way around this conversation, but basically it is this...the way some people have decided to treat those they profess to care about and/or love is CRAP. Plain and simple. I also want to go on the record to say that even those who are being treated badly have some responsibility in it. They have chosen to stay where it is seen as acceptable to be treated in such a way. I know that is pretty harsh but I speak from experience. I felt like I was less than crap...and I allowed people easy access to my heart and happiness because I had been told that if you love someone you love them for all that they are. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU STAND FOR MISTREATMENT. Loving someone and being their emotional punching bag are entirely two different things. If someone is hurting you...repeatedly making the same hurtful choices, violating the best rules of a relationship, taking from you and never being present when you are in need, then it is time to step away until they can agree to live within the boundaries of good behavior, or NOT!

I also want to add that when someone is using threatening words, actions or other form of coercion towards another human that is illegal. But the use of corrective words and the anger we sometimes find at the hearing of that expressive language is a waste of time. It is simply better to retrain our brain to not take offense.

All that being said, you will rarely find cursing on my facebook page, hardly in my blogs or even very seldom in my everyday speech. I use self control and a colorful vocabulary because I care that I might offend someone. I understand completely the squirmy feeling it might give those who cannot tolerate their programming and just hear the word. It is never my intent to upset or hurt others, but sometimes there is no other word that describes the subject but crap.

Not afraid to remember...

It can be very hard to look back, especially when emotions take over and I have those moments where I miss someone or something from the past. But each and everyday where I decide to look back and understand or at least seek the lessons, I lose a little more of the fear of what might have been and find appreciation for what is.

I think for many years of my life I was caught up in the otta bees. I otta bee happier, I otta have this figured out by now, or the why do I gotta bee going through this again. Now here in this sentence is where the grammar police will choose to be offended and some might even stop reading. But I don't write for them, only for me. The slang and misspelled words are how I would say it if I were just talking to a friend across the table. For me it doesn't have to be about the grammar, the spelling or even whether it will make someone stop reading. For me it is about fleshing out those memories until there is nothing left but the bones of the story.

A place where I can feel the good parts and let the bad stuff go forever. If there ever was such a thing like forever. I was a former subscriber to the happily forever myth. I often felt like I was the only one working on that story at all. And the more I slipped into the fear of it not happening the more miserable my emotions would become and hold me hostage.

I had to come to the point of understanding the difference between love and attachment. The minute we tie our happiness to any one condition, person or outcome, we begin to slide towards and ultimate disappointment. It happened for me over and over again.

I have spent many a tirade, retelling and rehashing of said stories to try and find my sanity and justification. To no avail...because my story is not found it what was, it lies deeply in what is.

While sharing some things about me with a new friend today, I saw another piece of my healing as clear as if it had been written for me. I am not sure that I will ever be forever done with it, but I love it when it circles a little closer.

I made so many decisions in my young life based on avoiding what is, and looking for what might be. I made choices that were not only unhealthy they were based on an intent that was more about fixing my history and finding a fairy tale that being an equal partner.

It's hard to say...even harder to breathe it and not feel tears sting my face...but it is true. I was looking for a hero, a rescuer or a distraction. I was too young and too damaged to know that neither would bring me anything like permanent happiness or security. I stepped up to a new level of forgiveness today. A level at which there only sits one person. A place so high in understanding that when I look towards anything reflective I see me. A me of 30 years ago, bright eyed and full of hope for a person could come into my hell and love me enough to fix all the wrongs of my childhood. An escape hatch of a relationship that would let me slide right into adulthood without every paying the price of growing up.

Now if you are not a reader with any history behind you in blog~erapy, you are probably pretty lost right now, but just take it from me...today was HUGE in a life moment perspective.

Recently a friend sent me a message and said, "when I saw you today, you looked a little out of it". So wonderful how those true people in my life can see behind the smiles. I am not fooling them for a second, and it is only out of habit that my actions even head down that path. I am a recovering people pleaser, a peace keeper to avoid the drama of my past. I really do not have to do this anymore as many of those in my life have grown accustomed to my ultimate passion for being real. But occasionally out of habit I try to smile when I would rather cry. I hide behind what ever is keeping me busy so I don't have to sit down and write this. It's not really a wide open aloud kind of avoidance, its more like yeah I know, time to grow another level. But most of the time that means I have to let go of a little more blame, and send a little more forgiveness to me and anyone else on the blame train.

There have been many recent events that have helped in this ascension to a new level. The horrific acts of terror on those just out for a run in Boston. A fertilizer storage facility that was way to close for comfort, for those in the little town of West and now me every time I drive through there. It's hard to not get caught up in the looking over our shoulders. The moments where we are not sure who the person standing next to us in a crowd is or what they are capable of. Those moments of horror fill us with disbelief first, terror next, and slowly gratitude for the understanding of except for the grace of God, there go I.

I have had moments that scared the shit out of me in my life. The near drowning of my daughter, accidents that if had been a split second either way of the precise landing they were in could have been more tragic for myself and others. I have witnessed as the horrific diseases that consume our human bodies has slowly taken the life out of people that I love. All of these moments could have been something I might would have chosen to avoid.

The realization today is that as we make even the simplest of decisions, we need not stand and watch as life goes on, but we must grab awareness of each breath and know that we chose to stand and cheer on the runners, run to the heat of the flames or towards whatever destiny we selected for that moment. It matters not that we perish and stop our life experience rather it matters more that we showed up for as long as we were allowed to be here.

All of my mistakes are now renamed wisdom choices. For had I been wiser I might have chosen another path, but the wisdom I gained helps to justify the pain. I also know that when we let go of the fear of what might go wrong and breath in each second in its entirety for what it holds, we truly are living and adding to the human divine fabric of this life. I also have come to understand that when the exits come, I must have done all I can to be a part of this life. But on the other hand hold no attachment to it. When we become fearful of losing anything we take away from the moments we have to celebrate all that is. When we fear being left behind by anothers choices to move forward without us we tie ourselves to an anger that steals more than any eventual death could.

I do not share any of this to diminish the art of grieving. It is as natural emotion to miss a part of us that is no longer there as it was to love it in the first place. The skill and beauty of humanity comes when we can feel those emotions and then let them wash over us as they cleanse the moments of pain away. I do not discount for a second the sadness that can still wash over me when I miss my grandmother, my cousin or the many friends that I would wish were still here so that I could enjoy their stories, laughter and gifts to my life. But as they have transitioned past the reality that we shared, they are not longing to come back. They have accepted the temporary fact of their now completed life and they are in the next realm of consciousness and human experience. Its a hard lesson to get. For many of our emotional teachers would have us hang onto our fears and past as if we could ever find a real life there. The only real life is in this second. As no sooner have I typed the next word and it is over too.

No anger is justified if carried over joy. No pain is worth never feeling ok to be happy again. No lesson is worth tying our human experience to the misery that we feel obligated to hold onto.

It was a big day. I am 50 after all...and most would say I am a little behind the learning curve. But today feels like a graduation of sorts. I moved closer to being ok with all that has caused hurts in my past, excited to have a few moments to remember the joys and ecstatic of all that is yet to be mine to breath through.

Thanks to those who came to talk me through my lessons. Thanks to those who care enough to read and acknowledge my lessons. Thanks to Destiny, your name was so appropriate for today...and I am grateful for the love languages...it was a great day.

A lesson of contrast

Over the last while it seems as though even in a single day the emotional bookends are crazy different. On the one side of life it seems like things are going great, that pieces of the puzzle are working themselves to where they need to be. Then in a blink of an eye issues arise, drama ensues and life does a u-turn.

But it's really not a life u-turn, because at the end of it all I am still headed in the right direction.

This week I have opportunities for all over the map type stuff and Monday after work was no different. For awhile I have been venturing out and finding new experiences and practices that are helping me move closer to my center. These things that used to only make me giggle a little have caught my interest and made a believer of me for their ability to add quiet and quality to a life. These things are practicing yoga, gong meditation, or any meditation and drumming.

There is something so primal about sound and movement to bring us closer to the real self. I must admit at one time I was a skeptic, but then again, I also never believed that I deserved happiness until my friend Tim did a little LIFE101 class with me 16 years ago.

In the process of working towards an inner peace that is barely ruffled with the outward craziness of life, I discovered an amazing truth. I decide what upsets me and what only teaches me.

Best recent example is the celebration of Earth Day that I went to at a local winery. Lost Oak is a beautiful place and many family pictures have been made at several of their photo opp locations. The Gong/Mediation/Yoga Earth Day event was held outside in the grass. It was absolutely perfect and I enjoyed every moment of it.

But it was mentioned later that several folks were bothered with noise from the near by traffic, the bugs, and a few other little unplanned natural instruments that joined our event without planning. What I realized is that I decide what will bother me and what I will see as part of the soundtrack of my life.

We heard the traffic and yes it was a bit distracting at first, but then I started to notice how the cars sounded different and the noise that their tires made on the highway was interesting. My mind wandered back to the gong as I focused on the vibrations and I suddenly heard a symphony of frogs take over the music of this event. There were also strange sounds, crickets maybe, and a train. There were birds flying over head and so many noises and in the distance a siren. My mind was suddenly thrown back to the events of the past week where there had been so many emergency vehicles and their sounds present in tragedies of our world. Suddenly the sound was not a shrill bother, but instead a cry of rescue with a message of here we come to save the day.

I could have let all the noises that were not a planned part of the wonderful outdoor event upset me and clearly several people did, but instead I was grateful for them. All of the glorious wind, sky, moon and grass that was surrounding my event was worth whatever loudness and everyday sounds I had to allow to pass through my event.

I decide for me when I will be disturbed. I can choose to allow the flow of life to move me along or I can resist it and miss whatever bliss might be there for me to find. I choose...bliss.

Maybe it would have made a difference in the others experience if someone had said focus on the moment, gifts and choose to allow all the sounds to be a part of the music of your day. Or maybe they would still want to have had control and perfection. But they missed the real perfection. Life is noisy, full of unexpected sounds and even surprises that will not always be the music we had sought out, but at the end of the concert the pleasure we will have had and remember will be what we chose to get out of it...not what was planned.

I would never recommend someone start a exercise in contrast without studying the natural laws that govern our emotional connections to what shows up in our lives. I could not even begin to share that until I have grown to understand it more. What I can tell you is this...when I choose to dismiss what upsets me, see each thing that happens as the lesson I believe it to be, and when I focus on self love and forgiveness rather than any of those ugly-reactions, life just simply gets better.

My life is a lesson in contrast...and I think I finally heard it.

Hard to feel happy and impossible to be completely sad

I keep trying to write words to give my friends and update and I keep getting stuck. I know...not like me at all, but the contrast of life recently has me a little stretched.

Happy to sad, shocked to angry, disbelief and unable to understand. I cannot talk about the hate from Boston---but I can be so proud of those who were diligent to stop those who created this thing we will forever and always wish had not happened. I cannot help but wish that all our communities would look at the safety of the businesses and their proximity to homes, babies, families, schools. I keep thinking do I know the dangers in my own neighborhood and town? I think about how these horrible tragedies make me grateful to be able to help and not have to be the one needing help. I have been on the other side of horrible...

I cannot even begin to share how proud I am of my neighbors...so many have stepped up to help the folks in West..this little town that we all know because of the Cech stop bakery and a few friends sprinkled here and there on the sleepy little streets. I have struggled to get a grasp on the bombing though...I was immediately proud of those who were running towards the smoke and those who would have been injured, but I must be honest I am not sure had I been there that I would not be running the other direction.

I have been known to step in and help others when I saw the need and on few occasions have stared down a boyfriend who was hitting a friend of mine, a misdirected adult harming a child or even a coward kicking a dog....I have also been criticized, chastised and reminded that a person who is already known to be capable of hurting another creature big or small would not think two seconds about hurting me either.

I think at certain moments in our life we are gifted the choice and ability to stand up for someone else, to step in and be the voice of reason or the scream of "I will so kick your ass if you do not stop NOW!". I have had it a few times in my life, putting it all at risk to save the one who needed someone to be there for them...but it has been rare.

I often think how lucky I have been, how the people who have come into my life to cause harm, were hear only for a short while. The tragedies, the car wrecks, the house fire, the terminations and even yes the divorce were lessons and blessings in disguise because of what I learned from it. I don't think every one is able or even required to see those moments as something they can learn from...but I did. I adopted the choice a few years ago to always see the good....no matter how well it is hidden.

Tonight as I digested all that has gone on for the last 7 days, I had to spend a few minutes just wrapping my head around the moments. I was given a great opportunity to serve, blessings of time with people I love and moments of clarity that were so amazing that each of them felt like a gift. I was judged and talked to harshly by someone I do not event know, and then complimented and congratulated by many more who also were friends yet to be made. I saw the horrific minutes live through youtube videos of moments that I would have rather not seen, but then I looked to the many minutes around those few seconds of horror that work to cancel the bad few out.

It has been a hard week by no stretch of the imagination. It really does no justice to those who were lost to wish didn't happen, because it did. It really does not help us by trying to explain it away or justify actions or choices. The only thing that helps me is to understand that we each have a temporary status in this reality. We can learn from the bad stuff, celebrate the good stuff and be ready for what is next by making our choices with the outcome in mind.

There is not reason to list the many lessons of this last week, most of them were not mine to learn. It only serves me to forgive myself for the things I did wrong, choose to send forgiveness to those who wronged me or others and to accept the responsibility for the choices I made. When I learned that my choices select the outcomes, it got a whole lot easier to manage this crazy life.

I am tempted to list my good....but not sure you would stay tuned to read it all. Why should you? I am sure if you took your life moment by moment you could find much good too. You can list yours for me here in the comments if you like, or message me if you want to read mine.

A week of ups and downs, back to fronts and clouds that finally seem to be lifting

Not sure why, but there has been a cloud hanging over my week -literally and figuratively. So much contrast --ups--downs--happys --sads and back to fronts. I have had to watch myself to keep level and allow all that was meant for me, but the constant motion has left me a little sea-sick. Thank you to some special friends who always SEE me, know me and keep me real and others who love me no matter my mood. My skies are clearing and I hear the weather is going to improve also!!

Over the last week, the opportunities have been off the hook...seriously. I should with every passing moment be stuck on bliss. But some of the opportunities were so tied up in my expectations that I got a little twisted. I have to work through yet another hiccup in the journey to better. I was faced with some interactions with folks I have never met and their journey inspired and shrank me at the same time. I began to wonder if faced with their life challenges would I have been so strong.

I witnessed others who seemed to be stuck in the moment where their lives were guiding light for others, but all they could see and relive was the tragedy that changed everyone's destiny. I also was the recipient of a sort of gift, blessing that took me so by surprise I had to reevaluate the relationship that brought it about. I also had another relationship that didn't appear to ever have any trouble and it disintegrated right before my eyes. I had to stop and think...why? And no answer came. I was told by a few that they had seen the defect in the person from a distance, and I had not heeded the warning.

I have to realize that the lessons are often tough to take, but all necessary to get me where I am to go. I also must learn that putting people in a box marked good or bad only leads me to have to learn more. There is good even in the worst of us and bad it every good person too. Looking for the good will always be my first option, but understanding all that comes with caring for others is my ultimate goal. I must also be open to the hurt when I am disappointed by someone I care for, and cling to loving them even at the moment I most remove them from the inner circle to work on damage control.

Blog~erapy has been such a saving space for me. A place where I can write my way through this type of week. A place where I can share and those who care to can comment or just read. I appreciate my writing me to well place, it's the best therapy I have ever had.

Sorry, but I am not really lonely.

Got kinda tickled at my friend Kerry tonight. We always have the funniest conversations, and they almost always start with us talking about one of us driving to the next thing. Busy could be our word of the day, but the funniest thing of all is how she seems to be often worried that I don't have a boyfriend. I keep telling her that it would take a pretty amazing guy to put up with all this, and then that is when she says she is on a mission to end my lonely.

I love you Kerry...but I'm not really lonely. I have the most amazing friends. I am challenged each day with a new project and something to add to my world. And I have been blessed with the best five kids any more every got to raise...well actually they raised me. Not to mention two of the most perfect grands a Gimmee' ever had. Yeah...look if you want to, but Noworries if he doesnt show up.

I really love all the love stories in my life. So many of my friends have the happily ever after and I am happy for them, but also sure that I will never settle for less than what they have. I was married for a very long time. I know what struggle is, I lived through heart ache, and I came out better for all the challenges on the other side. I would not change a minute of that life, nor would I make any of the same mistakes again. I learned them too well.

I am ok to be alone for the rest of this life if that is what is meant for me. I am ok if someone comes to share the journey, for a few dates for the rest of this parade.

Are you successful?

Success is not measured by how many people you are smarter, richer or prettier than. Success is not being able to point out the faults of others so you will feel superior. Success is not anything unless you are happy, doing the most good and helping others as much as you were helped along the way. You define what your success is and you must leave everyone else's measure of success out of your equation.

Are you successful?

Facebook post January 27th www.facebook.com/pameedee

So lately there have been some who in my circle have had a bit of success, and a few who have been peddling the other direction. But when I was listening to some of them recounting their victories and struggles and it occurred to me that I think some where along the way we have been given some false information. We have been lead to believe that having everything means that we are successful. We have been programmed to seek approval from those in our lives because we have been reinforced to be liked by everyone. We have lost our smiles, moments of joy and true success because our society seems to have decided for us what failure and success looks like.

It is very similar to the education system. Our teachers are teaching to a test. They are cattle herding those children who learn in similar ways and then trying to cast off the rest of the class who does not follow suit.

In the process of following along to be a part of the norm, we have lost ourselves to fitting in and finding what others think success should be. We can find a way to stay married to someone even though we are not happy, that the other in the relationship no longer honors our beliefs, heart or joy. We have found ourselves stuck in jobs that do not support us to grow and become an asset to our companies, but would rather us just follow along and not make change, waves or trouble.

We have niced/normaled/settled ourselves to soul sickness. I am working towards my version of success. I have decided to find success, appreciation and gratitude in each day. I know that the blessings have been many and that my success has often been gifted to others. I am ok with that process of sharing even when it feels a little more like the gifts were stolen.

I also had a bit of an awakening, or remembering of one of the lessons shared by my friend Tim. It never ceases to amaze me how much I miss his wisdom and love, until I remember many of his words are still in my heart and that fills me with his love, or at least the memory of the special friendship we shared. The lesson/memory is how life can work to unseat us when we are way too comfortable. It's as if as soon as we think we have it all figured out, stuck in the we know everything comfort zone, something will come along to bump us right out of our seat and way out of the zone.

I love that I have learned that knowing that I do not know is the best way to learn and find knowing. It is when I learn the most. It is when I am open to grow that I find the lessons are easier or at least a little less friction as I go through the rapids of life.

Today as I was feeling a bit of the old weariness from a long weekend and a little too much adrenaline, I suddenly remembered so much good that has come to my life. I also had a recalling of the very important step learned recently to not be attached to any of it. To let the moments flow and be grateful, squeeze all the umph out of each second and then know to be ok as we move past the joy of the moment. There may be some more bumps and pot holes to drive around, but that doesn't diminish the success, greatness or even the happy that was just part of my immediate past. I have learned that being grateful for every part of this life, ecstatic for the great stuff, accepting of the rough stuff and ok with the just ok parts. I have learned how to get the most out of the lessons, love and life.

My lesson is also in the knowing that I have to let those who do not fit in the current incarnation of my life move to that which attracts them and be ok with loving them from here. I have to know that not everyone is ready for the lessons I have to share, or even ready to accept that they don't know all that they now believe that they do.

Often what happens is that people can get stuck in a great moment. A time of their life that was either as great as they ever wanted or as miserable as they believe they deserve. They get stuck in that moment because they count it as a success to be right where they believe they belong. Their stuck spot may be back at graduation, loss of a job or saying good bye to a significant person in their life (no matter the reason for the exit). They hold on to what they BELIEVE they know the answers are, and while they may be right, the questions change almost every day. Certainly at least once during any given year and positively several times during our lifetimes.

Success is finding a way to accept, agree and allow each moment to stand alone in the reality that it was or is. But then as that moment goes to history if we get stuck thinking that is where our success is, we stop moving forward with our growth.

Detaching from the outcomes, letting go of the hurts, accepting the lessons and knowing that to know is to not really know is success. The rest of the stuff...is just stuff.

The biggest lesson of all...it doesn't really matter at all. We get to the end of this road and we get all the answers when we get our bill and turn in our key. We check out of the Hilton, the Hyatt or the little motel and we are done with the struggles and we get to know what they were all for. I believe many of us will look back and laugh, because we made too much of it all. I feel as though some of us will get to the check out station and have a bit of regret, until we gain the understanding that in the living is the success. We added to the human story and it does not matter if we think we did it right, had the most toys or had nothing at all. We are all loved beyond measure by the God of our Universe and our fellow humans. We are all given more grace than we will every believe we deserve. We are all connected to the success and one day we will know that we did not know...and it will be good.

When sleep doesn't come...

I get up and write. I usually find that there is something waiting to be released in black and white. It never is easy to say the hard stuff. To find a way to be so radically honest with self and others that it not only diffuses the pain, it begins the healing all in one simple blog~erapy session.

I honestly don't know how I could have ever grown so much if it were not for this little writing exercise that moves me past the hurts.

This time it is not so much about pain as the absence of it. I volunteer, to help, a lot, maybe even too much. But don't ask me if I am going to stop...because I won't. But I need to start adding a disclaimer with a few folks, so that help does not get translated into, yes please assume that I can do everything for you. And that you can read what I say I will do and read even what is not there, take it as your call to issue a plea of "no HELP" to others and get your way. You bet...but when it comes down to the end of the road, all you would have done is caused some to see you as a victim and the one you used as your perpetrator will only have to do a minimum of damage control to move past the drag through the mud.

I won't mention much more on this latest lesson, because it did not hurt a bit. I knew instantly when put on the spot what might take place. And not only was I ok with all that transpired, I got clearer picture of one person than I might have never gotten if I had just continued to do it all.

It's so freaking liberating to live a life that is not only based on honesty but wrapped tight in all that-that implies. It means that even though I want to keep the peace if you are bound to make it messy I will ride out the storm. I will not fight, point fingers or even wave a bit of drama. I may speak of the damage you tried to create to my friends, but I will not get stuck there. I also love that not only have I learned how to move past and away from those who live this fashion of life, I have learned how to love them anyway. I have grown so good at understanding that the others in our lives who behave less than stellar at any given point of our joint day, do it because of a feature of their personality and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I have learned that even when I make a mistake, miss a deadline or forget something all together, that none of the above is cause for end of the world ranting, or even worth anything more than a sincere apology and self forgiveness.

It is always in the intent. My intent was honorable, my remarks were honest, I took the steps required, to handle my obligations. Everything else is just something else.

One very amazing phone call was all about justification. Saying what was right for me without fear of retribution feels good. That doesn't mean that the other misguided vengeance tosser won't through it my way, it just means that even if they do, I will have moved past the point of contention and beyond their throwing arm. The words were well put together. The song I had heard oh so many times before. But damage and scar tissue had built up a shield of sorts to not only protect me from what was meant to be hurtful and aimed in my direction, it was as if I could see the BS-decoder stepped up and I could see all the brown stuff so clear, I cried and laughed all at the same time.

How is it that so many years ago someone came into my life to give me this gift? The gift that blesses me with as many exits as needed to allow for the best enterings ever.

This last week was about saying yes...and I did at all the right moments. This week was about saying no...even though I knew there would be a storm to follow. It was really more like a dust storm than a full on hurricane. Those type of storms are now mostly non existent in my life.

It is all pretty amazing that all this stuff took place in the same week. This next week starts now. In just a few hours the next few steps of a great new adventure will be part of my new normal. There are blessings beyond big, lessons less that large and opportunities opening doors at a rapid fire pace. I am laughing as I learn to run fast all over again.

I sat last night at an event, almost feeling as if I were invisible. I could see the enormity of my life. I caught visions of the most amazing moments that are just about to happen and it was as if those I was with have no clue or even desire to see me. Even just a few short months ago this would have made me sad. It would have made me incredibly down and pain filled. But not today, not this week. I know that I am tapping into my purpose. I know that each action step is leading to whatever that purpose is meant to be. I don't have to have all the answers, make everyone happy or even care when they strike out in my direction. I know it is all about providence...and that in itself is just a hint at what is about to come my way.

Progress at any pace is more than acceptable...take a look back to see how far you have come

Progress no matter how slow is still moving forward. I have to be ok with that sometime...I didn't get myself into this mess in one day...so it goes without saying that it may take a day or two to return to healthy. I am so grateful for friends like Jennifer Ashely who keep helping me to move forward and many others who love me no matter how slow I go!

So many projects have taken up some of my time lately that I was using for building new healthier habits...so creating the habit of putting me first has not come as easily as I had hoped. But I am determined and know that I will reach my goals.

A big one is coming up on my birthday this year...watch for more about this one soon!

Also noticing a few people I love who have pulled away. I know that change is a natural part of life, but the vacuum that is left when someone makes an exit can be a bit unnerving at first. I have to be ok with it...there is nothing else I can be.

I will not dip into hurt or depression, I will feel the loss. I will send nothing but love and best wishes to those who have lost their need for me in their life and I will be open to those who will come and fill the void.

I trust in the process, the journey the love of the universe to protect my heart from the deep hurts. I feel the pain and I know that this too shall pass. I no longer spend hours in the pain of "what did I do wrong". I believe in the flow of life and allow it to take me and others to the right place at the right time.

I get so excited each time I hear of someone else using this amazing tool of blogging in their lives. Whether they are blogging for work, fun or sanity, I find it absolutely inspiring the words and feelings that they portray in the writings of those in my life.

I think of a line in that great movie "Avatar" where the Na'vi share about their ability to "see" someone. The seeing is not a visual reference but an intellectual and soulful understanding of the being they are relating to. So many times as I read the words a vision of the pain, purpose and wholeness of the person writing becomes more evident. I am awestruck. Other times I don't get the vision, but am somehow amused and enjoy the sharing just the same.

Sometimes I am a bit of a nerd, movie nerd especially. I think I talked so much about this movie that my friends got a little tired of it and I ended up getting two copies for my birthday that year! I still have them too...LOL. I really should gift one of them to someone who has not seen it, but have not managed to part with either copy yet.

I really love so much as I have looked back over the blog~erapy and it's beginning to what it has evolved into today. I use it to talk myself through painful situations, relieve feelings that I don't wish to keep and to put into words when the words don't come easy.

I have used it for praise, comic relief and for release. I have grown most from going back and reading what I wrote. I have even on occasion, gone back to the first posts. That was a very different me. I really liked her though, how strong she grew through telling it like it was according to me. I love that she found her voice and no longer was afraid of the terrible things I thought would happen if I had ever gotten brave enough to be that honest.

The most amazing part of this internet version of my history is how it has helped me be more honest. In the previous version of me I tempered everything I said trying to no anger or make someone dislike me. I had walked on egg shells so long I didn't even know what the real floor felt like. I don't miss that version of me, but I do respect her. The dance she did to cope with the life choices we made was not a pretty and choreographed art form. It was a real mess. I like this version so much more. I like living in the confidence of life that all things are to the good. That when I feel lonely or feel anything for that matter I have action steps to take to deal with the feelings. I feel empowered, strong, and I know sometimes alone is ok. I am able to let go of those things that end without my permission. I understand that I can grieve and not get stuck in the pain of it. That as I turn my feet towards the next path, things will come into focus for me to do and I will again begin to move forward.

Don't let a bad moment turn into a trend

So if you follow my fan page you know I am on a journey, and like anyone when we start something new, often there will be a tough go of it for awhile.

I am there...living in toughville. I am emotional, tired and a little bit whiny. So being the real person that I am, I share...all the good, tough and icky. To say that I have been in a funk would be a bit of an understatement. But I refuse to go to an all out pitty party depression round. I know better, I haven't visited depression in a very long time.

I also have clues, besides the physical changes and challenges there is some emotional noise too. Some history that has come back to test my resolve. I am firm, I will not be here for very long and even as I type I can tell my writing to wellness is helping.

For some reason just taking time to put the thoughts down and get broken record-recordings out of my head, I can start to move past the moment and the feelings that have reared their ugly head in my days.

Facebook post Wednesday January 23, 2013

Its ok to feel the way you feel--happy-sad-angry-or in a funk. But always remember feelings are not facts and this too shall pass!!

I know the drill. I can work myself through the rough stuff and find my smile. Most of the time it only takes a few hours, but because of the relational drama it is taking a bit longer.

The history is long, 20+ years of thinking less of myself than others. Playing along with the bullies and fulfilling the victim role with award winning performance and finesse. There were hints along the way that others were tired of hearing about my drama. The friend who said "Pam, you know the world doesn't revolve you right?" Or how about the message "Ok, that's enough--you get five minutes on the pitty pot and then you got to get up and give someone else a turn".

It's more common for friends to say now "Wow I cannot believe how fast you worked through your anger" or " Your wisdom and insight into others blows my mind". I can't quote them directly because I didn't ask before I sat down to blog~erapy my way through this one.

I know I still have a ways through this bit of maze, because I have lost my temper a few times with people I love. I immediately apologize, but anger is so not on my regular agenda and hasn't been for years.

As with most moments like this I miss Tim...his lessons were always timely and he had a beautiful way of speaking to my wounded self so I can work my way out. He would share lessons that were his own experience and then find a way for me to relate it to my own story with steps to take to find my path. I miss him...severely during weeks like this. Sure wish I could find a replacement Tim.

I get comments often on things I write, like you are so honest and straightforward. You lay it all out there and are not shy about people knowing all that stuff I keep to myself. It's very flattering, but to be honest it is to help me. I spent the first half of my life being afraid to say what I thought. Fearful that others would thing me crazy, or that they would stop liking me. What I came to realize with the help of my Tim was that if someone changes their opinion of me or my thoughts can change how they feel towards me, they were not quality relationships and more of the temporary nature. And there is nothing wrong with not being friends with everyone. It's actually very healthy.

Another moment that popped up this week was a lie. A person who said I did something to them that was so untrue it was hurtful. I had never even thought of committing what I was accused of, and even worse they began to tell the story to others who I thought were my friends. They chose to believe the story without asking me. And honestly it took me awhile to come to understand that only those who are good at lying are easy to be lied too. Those who know me, and those who matter know that I won't lie to anyone. I work really hard to not say things that might hurt others, but I refuse to lie to create a false moment for anyone.

So there it is...one more blog~erapy session done. Do I feel better? Well I am getting there. Will I smile tomorrow? Undoubtedly at some point my smile will find me. Will I feel this way again? Well I would love to tell you NO, but the truth is feelings leave a mark on our emotional memory similar to a scar. Things that come up can and will trigger those old wounds and the cells will remember and react the pain. It's not a fact, it is a feeling. It doesn't have to change me, but I can change my process to deal with it. There is no one to blame or be angry at. The lessons were necessary and I will continue to grow past the moments that cause me pain. I will hold to the fact that the feelings are nothing more than part of my memory and reaction history and do not have to be a part of my story or even my present.

I hope at some point in your healing you can think back to these words and remember that we never have to let a bad moment, day or week turn into our trend, our story or our belief of what we deserve. We are promised so much more...my trend is headed up, is full of smiles and I am almost there!

Smiling more and more...

Recently I was asked to talk about a pretty rough part of my life...well actually is was a big rough patch in my life. It was my marriage. If you are new to Blog~erapy you might have missed how this blog even was started, so let me share a bit of my history.

I was working on ending a marriage that never seemed to make it past go, didn't get to collect $200 or even find how to purchase any hotels, railroads or even a house. We were dysfunctional to say the least.

As I began the process of realizing that my ex-husband was not the best person to help me grow as an individual and most of the time had a rough time supporting me as a wife. Now I could sit here and list so many different reasons why our marriage ended in divorce, but for my purpose of sharing it was because of my weakness to stand on my own and his repeated behavior of control and belittling. It is true that as I began to heal from years of what I now call abusive behavior, I realized more and more that what was happening in my everyday was not only not the norm for a married couple, it was no where near acceptable either.

So through trying to find my voice and a few things that happened after the separation, a friend suggested I start a thing called a blog. I won't lie, I had not clue what that meant. But what the heck, I gave it a whirl. I don't have 4000 readers, or even many subscribers at all, but the few very heartwarming comments I get from the folks who find their way to what I write have kept me going.

It has become my venting spot. My place where I write myself past many a rough patch. And it never ceases to amaze me when I re-read it that I was even the one who penned it to begin with.

The stories behind each subject are real. The words that are shared are not meant to shame, blame or even fix anyone but me. I have found so much healing from being able to put it here and then let it go. I have shared much of the lessons gifted me throughout the last few years...and it takes me a very long time to go back and try to read back through each one. I have never even made it half way, before another lesson has presented itself and it was time to get back to writing my way to wellness once again.

I will say that in the beginning the theme was all about moving past abuse and hurt. It was about finding the voice inside me that says this is enough. I am done with being treated in any way that does not honor me as a child of the universe that I am. I became stronger a paragraph at a time. I faced some serious upset when the musings were shared with someone I had never intended to see them, my ex husband. The following visit he called me some very unflattering things. I simply listened and once he was through let him know that the blog was my space on Myspace and if he didn't like what was written, he surely did not have to read it.

I no longer was concerned about his thoughts of me or even his opinion of what I should or should not be doing. I was through with someone dictating my feelings, manhandling me when I disagreed and most especially the silent treatment when met with disapproval. Being controlled by someone else whether it be through force, coercion or neglect can be a horrible experience. And when pushed an emotional abuser will often become a physical abuser which was my experience.

In my job and as part of my concern for my community I have shared local resources for others who might find themselves in a bad situation. Although I bear much of the responsibility of ending up in a bad marriage, I know that I was not the cause of the abuse. I had delegated my decisions over to someone else and their direction for my life always sent me on a downward spiral. I still have lots of steps to make on my path to wellness, but taking the first one has lead to improvement at a marathon pace.

So over the years of blogging the focus has changed little. It is still my space for sharing the lessons of the day, week or even year. Recently I posted about the top 12 of 12. Some were not new lessons, but apparently I needed a refresher on a few so we got to play with them again. Some were just a review others were a full on semester of quizzes, tests and homework...but I still think I passed.

Now fast forward to yesterday, with several concerns being expressed over my youngest, I have had to bite my tongue a bit because of how we ended up where we are. You see a little over two years ago my baby decided at age 13 he would rather live with his dad. It is true that I could have fought the decision, but I have always taught my kids to think for themselves and understand that they must answer for the choices that they make. I have to be ok with them making mistakes so they can learn. That doesn't mean that we don't still work on discipline and rules, but that was somewhat removed from my list of responsibilities except for every other weekend.

Yesterday the texting started. I was asked for advice. I was given a bit of sideways praise and a little taken by surprise by the conversation. I answered the requests, tried to offer a bit of encouragement and let it alone. To say it was and is not so hard to jump in the car and retrieve my kid would only be a little untrue. I want so much to step in and be the super parent. To give him more of what I feel I gave my other kids. A foundation of rules and self respect. I have lost the bits of anger and fear that even towards the end of my marriage made me a bit crazy in their presence. I have also found that I am not responsible for the whole world or the problems that reside there.

So now I sit here with a day of brooding behind me, a blog post of the unnecessary drama and upset and once again working/writing my way through the lesson. So what exactly is the lesson? My husband and I decided on divorce because we were tired of whatever our relationship had grown into. I believe he was tired of me because I had grown strong enough to not be controlled and manipulated to bend to each of his mis-directions. I believe I was tired of him because my rights, abilities and choices were not respected. That I was held to largely responsible for his happiness and that I no longer felt the urge to try to help him feel anything. I believe I grew past the point of our dysfunction and when I couldn't be dragged back in he found a replacement.

She is a nice enough person, and for the most part they seem ok...although I hear that they struggle with their choices as well. I wish them all the best. I hope that her heart is strong enough for the lessons that will probably come her way unless he has found a way to grow past his. I hope that my son will find his way to his adult self even if that means a repeat of a grade or two in school. His choices are not easy to take, but they are his. The biggest challenge for me now is to not get stuck in feeling like any of this was my doing. I stepped out of the way for the choices that were made and I am working on rebuilding myself in myspace one lesson at a time. Most days I am happy, feeling better and living a life of quality friendships and fun. Some days I am overcome with sad, because I still want to fix everything, even though I know it is not my job or even my passion.

Today is done, lesson written and it may be a low grade, but I am done. I am reminding myself of all that I did well, forgiving myself for things I messed up and allowing others to get their lessons, homework and tests without a cheat sheet from me. My score is not 100---but it does look like the teacher added a smile :-)