Am I really that busy?
I guess I see my life as normal, I did raise five kids after all. There was always some activity, mischief or chore to be done. There was always some conversation, discipline or belief to work out. It was an amazing time in my life. I am surprised now how I don't really feel as worried about the outcome of all those years of struggle, mistakes and hamburger helper. My kids have turned out ok, and what issues they might or might not have cleared away from the attempted parental practice that I gave, well they will just have to figure out like I did.
Parents only get the understanding of what it means to be a parent after the work is done. We only understand fully what we could have done better after its too late to apply the knowledge. But the amazing thing about humans and our ability to be resilient is this...no matter the journey we still find out way to ourselves, everytime. Some do it in amazing and beautiful out loud and public living. Others in a small and intimate understanding that only a few are aware of. Some get it in their 30's, 40's or later, others don't pick it up unitl they are checking out.
Doesn't really matter, its the outcome of all the living...and it is good.
I hear often, I can't believe all you do...and to be honest, I don't believe it either. I don't really sit down and say I am going to make myself busy. I don't have an agenda other than a few larger than life goals to help, support and make a difference. I don't want to collect achievements or another other proof of work that might or might not have gotten done. I just want to take full advantage of every opportunity in this life.
Sometimes the only opportunity I take on is the one to do nothing. I have moments where I check out and no one hears from me...not even facebook. I go to my room, or my favorite spots and just sit. I don't try to decide, understand or plan anything. I just listen to the world, nature, my breathing.
But again and again I hear them ask, "how do you do it"? the answer is always the same, first I say I am not sure what you are talking about...and then with clarification, I say I don't know either.
I know where the comments come from, but it's just my ability to be a bit wordy. I share, anything and everthing that I feel led to. I keep reminding myself and anyone who wants to hear that I have a mission...it is my desire to reach those who have it on their heart to help.
I love all the fun that my friends invite me to be a part of and the laughs alone give me energy to do more. I have been blessed with the most amazing people in my life...and I know how lucky I am. So if there is ever a moment when I can be around thier love and concern for me and our world...well I just find a way to be there.
I honestly think the biggest reason is that I don't live in fear of the sharing. I don't stress much over saying the wrong thing, becuase I speak my truth. I speak it for me, and for anyone who might want to hear it. I am an open book, and want to write a few. I hope that some of the things that I have come through might be a path for someone who is struggling with the same fights I have survived. I have found the understanding that we are all meant to be here, to find happiness and to value ourselves and the journey. I love that the messages that I get mean something to me, and hope that sharing it might mean something to others. I have survived the fear of being hated, the realization that not eveyone knows how to love and the glorious awakening of my truest truth.
I am responsible for it all. I get out of this life what i put into it. I am a piece of God's handiwork and my life has value. I can get the lessons or keep repeating them. I can run as hard as I can through each day or drift on auto pilot. I understand that my happiness is a choice. I accept that whatever is going right or wrong is because I believe it to be so.
I am that busy, but not in the way most think. The other day I thought I had a pretty short day, I had PLANNED on getting a few things done at the office and heading home on my regular short Monday schedule. But opportunities to share about my agency, my life and my heart presented themselves through a new friend....and off I go. I read a quote one time that life is what happens when you are making other plans. I totally agree. If I understand that my plans should be written in pencil and to keep my eraser handy, I am going to follow the map of opportunities that shows up, not just what the to do list reminds me of.
I recently was texting with a friend and the comment was made about living a more private life. And I wondered why? What is it about their life that they felt lead to hide away from the world that is here to give them all the same opportunities that I have. The ability to find friends that add joy and laughter to my heart. The chance to find and complete meaningful work. I guess I don't understand, but I am trying not to judge.
I can tell you this, on those days when I have written a blog to therapy my way through a problem, conflict or confession of humaness, I am grateful for all of the words that I find to share. I love taking the issues and putting them on paper...(electronically speaking) so that I don't have to carry it around any more. I love being able to say it is done and meaning it. I may never know who reads what I write, because many seem to want to keep that fact private as well...but to be honest I don't really write for anyone but me.
I share because I lived a life that was built to keep me quiet. To pretend like everything was perfect when nothing could have been farther from the truth. I give my time to things that are important to me becasue I want to be a part of it, and it matters. Nothing more is needed. I share what makes me smile in hopes someone else can grin about it too. I love how real my heart feels, and how authentic my life has become. I am not perfect, I am as busy as my opportunities will ask me to be and I am as happy as I decide I want to be.
I have no advice for anyone else. I appreciate that you admire my busy~ness. I love my life. I will not turn away from any opportunity that brings the yes from my heart. I will not regret anything I did or did not do. I will not stress that the laundry sits at home and on my chore list because another thing that resonated with my desires presented itself. I will never say I can't say yes to that because my dishes are still in the sink and waiting on me. I see there are a few challenges for me to work on personally. I have a few left over from the other life battles yet to blog~erapy away. But I am ok with taking the opportunities to get that done as they arrive.
I am feeling much anticipation for changes that are coming and opportunities that are already in the works. I am about to get a little busier...and am excited for the chance to try to get it all done.
