So if you follow my fan page you know I am on a journey, and like anyone when we start something new, often there will be a tough go of it for awhile.
I am there...living in toughville. I am emotional, tired and a little bit whiny. So being the real person that I am, I share...all the good, tough and icky. To say that I have been in a funk would be a bit of an understatement. But I refuse to go to an all out pitty party depression round. I know better, I haven't visited depression in a very long time.
I also have clues, besides the physical changes and challenges there is some emotional noise too. Some history that has come back to test my resolve. I am firm, I will not be here for very long and even as I type I can tell my writing to wellness is helping.
For some reason just taking time to put the thoughts down and get broken record-recordings out of my head, I can start to move past the moment and the feelings that have reared their ugly head in my days.
Facebook post Wednesday January 23, 2013
Its ok to feel the way you feel--happy-sad-angry-or in a funk. But always remember feelings are not facts and this too shall pass!!
I know the drill. I can work myself through the rough stuff and find my smile. Most of the time it only takes a few hours, but because of the relational drama it is taking a bit longer.
The history is long, 20+ years of thinking less of myself than others. Playing along with the bullies and fulfilling the victim role with award winning performance and finesse. There were hints along the way that others were tired of hearing about my drama. The friend who said "Pam, you know the world doesn't revolve you right?" Or how about the message "Ok, that's enough--you get five minutes on the pitty pot and then you got to get up and give someone else a turn".
It's more common for friends to say now "Wow I cannot believe how fast you worked through your anger" or " Your wisdom and insight into others blows my mind". I can't quote them directly because I didn't ask before I sat down to blog~erapy my way through this one.
I know I still have a ways through this bit of maze, because I have lost my temper a few times with people I love. I immediately apologize, but anger is so not on my regular agenda and hasn't been for years.
As with most moments like this I miss Tim...his lessons were always timely and he had a beautiful way of speaking to my wounded self so I can work my way out. He would share lessons that were his own experience and then find a way for me to relate it to my own story with steps to take to find my path. I miss him...severely during weeks like this. Sure wish I could find a replacement Tim.
I get comments often on things I write, like you are so honest and straightforward. You lay it all out there and are not shy about people knowing all that stuff I keep to myself. It's very flattering, but to be honest it is to help me. I spent the first half of my life being afraid to say what I thought. Fearful that others would thing me crazy, or that they would stop liking me. What I came to realize with the help of my Tim was that if someone changes their opinion of me or my thoughts can change how they feel towards me, they were not quality relationships and more of the temporary nature. And there is nothing wrong with not being friends with everyone. It's actually very healthy.
Another moment that popped up this week was a lie. A person who said I did something to them that was so untrue it was hurtful. I had never even thought of committing what I was accused of, and even worse they began to tell the story to others who I thought were my friends. They chose to believe the story without asking me. And honestly it took me awhile to come to understand that only those who are good at lying are easy to be lied too. Those who know me, and those who matter know that I won't lie to anyone. I work really hard to not say things that might hurt others, but I refuse to lie to create a false moment for anyone.
So there it is...one more blog~erapy session done. Do I feel better? Well I am getting there. Will I smile tomorrow? Undoubtedly at some point my smile will find me. Will I feel this way again? Well I would love to tell you NO, but the truth is feelings leave a mark on our emotional memory similar to a scar. Things that come up can and will trigger those old wounds and the cells will remember and react the pain. It's not a fact, it is a feeling. It doesn't have to change me, but I can change my process to deal with it. There is no one to blame or be angry at. The lessons were necessary and I will continue to grow past the moments that cause me pain. I will hold to the fact that the feelings are nothing more than part of my memory and reaction history and do not have to be a part of my story or even my present.
I hope at some point in your healing you can think back to these words and remember that we never have to let a bad moment, day or week turn into our trend, our story or our belief of what we deserve. We are promised so much more...my trend is headed up, is full of smiles and I am almost there!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Smiling more and more...
Recently I was asked to talk about a pretty rough part of my life...well actually is was a big rough patch in my life. It was my marriage. If you are new to Blog~erapy you might have missed how this blog even was started, so let me share a bit of my history.
I was working on ending a marriage that never seemed to make it past go, didn't get to collect $200 or even find how to purchase any hotels, railroads or even a house. We were dysfunctional to say the least.
As I began the process of realizing that my ex-husband was not the best person to help me grow as an individual and most of the time had a rough time supporting me as a wife. Now I could sit here and list so many different reasons why our marriage ended in divorce, but for my purpose of sharing it was because of my weakness to stand on my own and his repeated behavior of control and belittling. It is true that as I began to heal from years of what I now call abusive behavior, I realized more and more that what was happening in my everyday was not only not the norm for a married couple, it was no where near acceptable either.
So through trying to find my voice and a few things that happened after the separation, a friend suggested I start a thing called a blog. I won't lie, I had not clue what that meant. But what the heck, I gave it a whirl. I don't have 4000 readers, or even many subscribers at all, but the few very heartwarming comments I get from the folks who find their way to what I write have kept me going.
It has become my venting spot. My place where I write myself past many a rough patch. And it never ceases to amaze me when I re-read it that I was even the one who penned it to begin with.
The stories behind each subject are real. The words that are shared are not meant to shame, blame or even fix anyone but me. I have found so much healing from being able to put it here and then let it go. I have shared much of the lessons gifted me throughout the last few years...and it takes me a very long time to go back and try to read back through each one. I have never even made it half way, before another lesson has presented itself and it was time to get back to writing my way to wellness once again.
I will say that in the beginning the theme was all about moving past abuse and hurt. It was about finding the voice inside me that says this is enough. I am done with being treated in any way that does not honor me as a child of the universe that I am. I became stronger a paragraph at a time. I faced some serious upset when the musings were shared with someone I had never intended to see them, my ex husband. The following visit he called me some very unflattering things. I simply listened and once he was through let him know that the blog was my space on Myspace and if he didn't like what was written, he surely did not have to read it.
I no longer was concerned about his thoughts of me or even his opinion of what I should or should not be doing. I was through with someone dictating my feelings, manhandling me when I disagreed and most especially the silent treatment when met with disapproval. Being controlled by someone else whether it be through force, coercion or neglect can be a horrible experience. And when pushed an emotional abuser will often become a physical abuser which was my experience.
In my job and as part of my concern for my community I have shared local resources for others who might find themselves in a bad situation. Although I bear much of the responsibility of ending up in a bad marriage, I know that I was not the cause of the abuse. I had delegated my decisions over to someone else and their direction for my life always sent me on a downward spiral. I still have lots of steps to make on my path to wellness, but taking the first one has lead to improvement at a marathon pace.
So over the years of blogging the focus has changed little. It is still my space for sharing the lessons of the day, week or even year. Recently I posted about the top 12 of 12. Some were not new lessons, but apparently I needed a refresher on a few so we got to play with them again. Some were just a review others were a full on semester of quizzes, tests and homework...but I still think I passed.
Now fast forward to yesterday, with several concerns being expressed over my youngest, I have had to bite my tongue a bit because of how we ended up where we are. You see a little over two years ago my baby decided at age 13 he would rather live with his dad. It is true that I could have fought the decision, but I have always taught my kids to think for themselves and understand that they must answer for the choices that they make. I have to be ok with them making mistakes so they can learn. That doesn't mean that we don't still work on discipline and rules, but that was somewhat removed from my list of responsibilities except for every other weekend.
Yesterday the texting started. I was asked for advice. I was given a bit of sideways praise and a little taken by surprise by the conversation. I answered the requests, tried to offer a bit of encouragement and let it alone. To say it was and is not so hard to jump in the car and retrieve my kid would only be a little untrue. I want so much to step in and be the super parent. To give him more of what I feel I gave my other kids. A foundation of rules and self respect. I have lost the bits of anger and fear that even towards the end of my marriage made me a bit crazy in their presence. I have also found that I am not responsible for the whole world or the problems that reside there.
So now I sit here with a day of brooding behind me, a blog post of the unnecessary drama and upset and once again working/writing my way through the lesson. So what exactly is the lesson? My husband and I decided on divorce because we were tired of whatever our relationship had grown into. I believe he was tired of me because I had grown strong enough to not be controlled and manipulated to bend to each of his mis-directions. I believe I was tired of him because my rights, abilities and choices were not respected. That I was held to largely responsible for his happiness and that I no longer felt the urge to try to help him feel anything. I believe I grew past the point of our dysfunction and when I couldn't be dragged back in he found a replacement.
She is a nice enough person, and for the most part they seem ok...although I hear that they struggle with their choices as well. I wish them all the best. I hope that her heart is strong enough for the lessons that will probably come her way unless he has found a way to grow past his. I hope that my son will find his way to his adult self even if that means a repeat of a grade or two in school. His choices are not easy to take, but they are his. The biggest challenge for me now is to not get stuck in feeling like any of this was my doing. I stepped out of the way for the choices that were made and I am working on rebuilding myself in myspace one lesson at a time. Most days I am happy, feeling better and living a life of quality friendships and fun. Some days I am overcome with sad, because I still want to fix everything, even though I know it is not my job or even my passion.
Today is done, lesson written and it may be a low grade, but I am done. I am reminding myself of all that I did well, forgiving myself for things I messed up and allowing others to get their lessons, homework and tests without a cheat sheet from me. My score is not 100---but it does look like the teacher added a smile :-)
I was working on ending a marriage that never seemed to make it past go, didn't get to collect $200 or even find how to purchase any hotels, railroads or even a house. We were dysfunctional to say the least.
As I began the process of realizing that my ex-husband was not the best person to help me grow as an individual and most of the time had a rough time supporting me as a wife. Now I could sit here and list so many different reasons why our marriage ended in divorce, but for my purpose of sharing it was because of my weakness to stand on my own and his repeated behavior of control and belittling. It is true that as I began to heal from years of what I now call abusive behavior, I realized more and more that what was happening in my everyday was not only not the norm for a married couple, it was no where near acceptable either.
So through trying to find my voice and a few things that happened after the separation, a friend suggested I start a thing called a blog. I won't lie, I had not clue what that meant. But what the heck, I gave it a whirl. I don't have 4000 readers, or even many subscribers at all, but the few very heartwarming comments I get from the folks who find their way to what I write have kept me going.
It has become my venting spot. My place where I write myself past many a rough patch. And it never ceases to amaze me when I re-read it that I was even the one who penned it to begin with.
The stories behind each subject are real. The words that are shared are not meant to shame, blame or even fix anyone but me. I have found so much healing from being able to put it here and then let it go. I have shared much of the lessons gifted me throughout the last few years...and it takes me a very long time to go back and try to read back through each one. I have never even made it half way, before another lesson has presented itself and it was time to get back to writing my way to wellness once again.
I will say that in the beginning the theme was all about moving past abuse and hurt. It was about finding the voice inside me that says this is enough. I am done with being treated in any way that does not honor me as a child of the universe that I am. I became stronger a paragraph at a time. I faced some serious upset when the musings were shared with someone I had never intended to see them, my ex husband. The following visit he called me some very unflattering things. I simply listened and once he was through let him know that the blog was my space on Myspace and if he didn't like what was written, he surely did not have to read it.
I no longer was concerned about his thoughts of me or even his opinion of what I should or should not be doing. I was through with someone dictating my feelings, manhandling me when I disagreed and most especially the silent treatment when met with disapproval. Being controlled by someone else whether it be through force, coercion or neglect can be a horrible experience. And when pushed an emotional abuser will often become a physical abuser which was my experience.
In my job and as part of my concern for my community I have shared local resources for others who might find themselves in a bad situation. Although I bear much of the responsibility of ending up in a bad marriage, I know that I was not the cause of the abuse. I had delegated my decisions over to someone else and their direction for my life always sent me on a downward spiral. I still have lots of steps to make on my path to wellness, but taking the first one has lead to improvement at a marathon pace.
So over the years of blogging the focus has changed little. It is still my space for sharing the lessons of the day, week or even year. Recently I posted about the top 12 of 12. Some were not new lessons, but apparently I needed a refresher on a few so we got to play with them again. Some were just a review others were a full on semester of quizzes, tests and homework...but I still think I passed.
Now fast forward to yesterday, with several concerns being expressed over my youngest, I have had to bite my tongue a bit because of how we ended up where we are. You see a little over two years ago my baby decided at age 13 he would rather live with his dad. It is true that I could have fought the decision, but I have always taught my kids to think for themselves and understand that they must answer for the choices that they make. I have to be ok with them making mistakes so they can learn. That doesn't mean that we don't still work on discipline and rules, but that was somewhat removed from my list of responsibilities except for every other weekend.
Yesterday the texting started. I was asked for advice. I was given a bit of sideways praise and a little taken by surprise by the conversation. I answered the requests, tried to offer a bit of encouragement and let it alone. To say it was and is not so hard to jump in the car and retrieve my kid would only be a little untrue. I want so much to step in and be the super parent. To give him more of what I feel I gave my other kids. A foundation of rules and self respect. I have lost the bits of anger and fear that even towards the end of my marriage made me a bit crazy in their presence. I have also found that I am not responsible for the whole world or the problems that reside there.
So now I sit here with a day of brooding behind me, a blog post of the unnecessary drama and upset and once again working/writing my way through the lesson. So what exactly is the lesson? My husband and I decided on divorce because we were tired of whatever our relationship had grown into. I believe he was tired of me because I had grown strong enough to not be controlled and manipulated to bend to each of his mis-directions. I believe I was tired of him because my rights, abilities and choices were not respected. That I was held to largely responsible for his happiness and that I no longer felt the urge to try to help him feel anything. I believe I grew past the point of our dysfunction and when I couldn't be dragged back in he found a replacement.
She is a nice enough person, and for the most part they seem ok...although I hear that they struggle with their choices as well. I wish them all the best. I hope that her heart is strong enough for the lessons that will probably come her way unless he has found a way to grow past his. I hope that my son will find his way to his adult self even if that means a repeat of a grade or two in school. His choices are not easy to take, but they are his. The biggest challenge for me now is to not get stuck in feeling like any of this was my doing. I stepped out of the way for the choices that were made and I am working on rebuilding myself in myspace one lesson at a time. Most days I am happy, feeling better and living a life of quality friendships and fun. Some days I am overcome with sad, because I still want to fix everything, even though I know it is not my job or even my passion.
Today is done, lesson written and it may be a low grade, but I am done. I am reminding myself of all that I did well, forgiving myself for things I messed up and allowing others to get their lessons, homework and tests without a cheat sheet from me. My score is not 100---but it does look like the teacher added a smile :-)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
New year new me...is on. I kinda got off to a slow start with all the distractions of the holidays, but didn't really want to stress on that or anything for that matter. Will make progress and celebrate the successes.
Setting small reachable goals with an over all goal of great improvement in 2013. I have completed my year end review of the lessons from 2012, my top 12 of 12 and it was a great rethinking and remembering of all the fun and not so fun moments of clarity.
The many opportunities that are now being presented are exciting and will take a little more time to get done, but we are on the way and smiling all the way.
Some of my new practices include
med·i·ta·tion
/ˌmedəˈtāSHən/
Noun
The action or practice of meditating: "a life of meditation".
A written or spoken discourse expressing considered thoughts on a subject: "his letters are meditations".
Synonyms
contemplation - reflection - reflexion - thought
For me this happens first in my morning, and while sometimes it is a challenge to tame my squirrels long enough to gain much from the experience, I am sure that with practice I will improve and so will my outcomes.
About 1,210 results (0.26 seconds)
Search Results
yo·ga
noun /ˈyōgə/
A Hindu spiritual and ascetic discipline, a part of which, including breath control, simple meditation, and the adoption of specific bodily postures, is widely practiced for health and relaxation
I have actually working on getting a good yoga practice routine since October and it's a challenge for sure, but even with the littlest of improvements I am encouraged!
Gong Meditation
Every time I try to tell someone about this amazing gathering, I am at a loss for words what to share. It doesn't sell as glamorous as a concert or even a live performance, but the experience is just amazing. It is a small gathering with percussionist Kenny Kolter. He brings the tools and instruments and we each show up with a yoga mat and whatever we might need to be comfortable. He shares a few words about the use of drumming and other sounds in rituals and practices through the ages and the recent studies that tell of the benefits. In his practice he has been asked to perform for people who are incarcerated, cancer care centers and others with mental health issues. Most share that it was an amazing experience, some have a healing of some pain or issue and some like me just appreciate the effect of having less insomnia-tic nights...yeah it's true!!
You can find more about local events by following the Gong Meditation page on facebook https://www.facebook.com/gong.meditation.7
Diet...ugh
di·et
noun /ˈdī-it/
diets, plural
The kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats
- a vegetarian diet
- a specialist in diet
A special course of food to which one restricts oneself, either to lose weight or for medical reasons
- I'm going on a diet
(of food or drink) With reduced fat or sugar content
- diet soft drinks
A regular occupation or series of activities in which one participates
- a healthy diet of classical music
For the most part I guess I have tried many of those diets that everyone else has and with little success. I recently found Dr. Oz and his shows on resetting the metabolism make so much sense to me. I feel a bit of relief that some how my misguided efforts to lose weight have left me stuck where I am. I am also hopeful that with the detox and new eating plan that I might actually see some great results.
So that is the plan...all of these and any thing else that comes along to add to my quality of life. Taking on all those thing that have had me a bit twisted off for far too long.
Wish me luck...follow along...share encouragement...the next blog~erapy year is all about becoming the Best Version of ME!!
Setting small reachable goals with an over all goal of great improvement in 2013. I have completed my year end review of the lessons from 2012, my top 12 of 12 and it was a great rethinking and remembering of all the fun and not so fun moments of clarity.
The many opportunities that are now being presented are exciting and will take a little more time to get done, but we are on the way and smiling all the way.
Some of my new practices include
med·i·ta·tion
/ˌmedəˈtāSHən/
Noun
The action or practice of meditating: "a life of meditation".
A written or spoken discourse expressing considered thoughts on a subject: "his letters are meditations".
Synonyms
contemplation - reflection - reflexion - thought
For me this happens first in my morning, and while sometimes it is a challenge to tame my squirrels long enough to gain much from the experience, I am sure that with practice I will improve and so will my outcomes.
About 1,210 results (0.26 seconds)
Search Results
yo·ga
noun /ˈyōgə/
A Hindu spiritual and ascetic discipline, a part of which, including breath control, simple meditation, and the adoption of specific bodily postures, is widely practiced for health and relaxation
I have actually working on getting a good yoga practice routine since October and it's a challenge for sure, but even with the littlest of improvements I am encouraged!
Gong Meditation
Every time I try to tell someone about this amazing gathering, I am at a loss for words what to share. It doesn't sell as glamorous as a concert or even a live performance, but the experience is just amazing. It is a small gathering with percussionist Kenny Kolter. He brings the tools and instruments and we each show up with a yoga mat and whatever we might need to be comfortable. He shares a few words about the use of drumming and other sounds in rituals and practices through the ages and the recent studies that tell of the benefits. In his practice he has been asked to perform for people who are incarcerated, cancer care centers and others with mental health issues. Most share that it was an amazing experience, some have a healing of some pain or issue and some like me just appreciate the effect of having less insomnia-tic nights...yeah it's true!!
You can find more about local events by following the Gong Meditation page on facebook https://www.facebook.com/gong.meditation.7
Diet...ugh
di·et
noun /ˈdī-it/
diets, plural
The kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats
- a vegetarian diet
- a specialist in diet
A special course of food to which one restricts oneself, either to lose weight or for medical reasons
- I'm going on a diet
(of food or drink) With reduced fat or sugar content
- diet soft drinks
A regular occupation or series of activities in which one participates
- a healthy diet of classical music
For the most part I guess I have tried many of those diets that everyone else has and with little success. I recently found Dr. Oz and his shows on resetting the metabolism make so much sense to me. I feel a bit of relief that some how my misguided efforts to lose weight have left me stuck where I am. I am also hopeful that with the detox and new eating plan that I might actually see some great results.
So that is the plan...all of these and any thing else that comes along to add to my quality of life. Taking on all those thing that have had me a bit twisted off for far too long.
Wish me luck...follow along...share encouragement...the next blog~erapy year is all about becoming the Best Version of ME!!
Lesson #1 That we are never done learning...
To know that I do not know is the wisest I have ever felt.
While reviewing the lessons that stood out most for me in 2012, I came across a memory of my Tim talking to me about knowing. He said that those who are sure they know or are right are the farthest from it. It is only in recognizing that we might not know are we sure to find a way to the answer.
His words always inspired me but his ability to help me understand me more fully was his biggest gift.
I can also remember when in the midst of a horrible drama-cane (self-induced storm of emotions to deal with the current tragedy), he gently reminded me that the answer for this uproar was already present. He assured me that I was not only able to go through this life event without any help or intervention, he also wanted me to see that in fact I already was through it.
I believe that no problem ever exists without an answer being created at the same time. Stop and think about the many times you faced some situation that felt too large for you to handle. Then...think out ahead of it and tell me there was not an answer--always the problem comes to a resolution..ALWAYS.
Now to say that we always get the answer or ending we want would be untrue, but each situation pushes towards a new challenge, direction or ending.
Knowing that I do not know, that drama is never a path to feeling really alive and that problems come with solutions--some assembly required leads me to believe that I will never be done learning. The answers that I have found today may be valid for the rest of my life, or they may be a temporary understanding to what is my normal.
Often I see and hear people who say they cannot do something, that they are afraid of this or that, and I am reminded of a time when I felt frozen by all types of fears. Anytime we live, react or even allow fear based thoughts we are frozen in time. We never seem to grow past our current condition, emotional state or happiness. Taking a minute of fear and labeling it as phobia or reciting it as fact paints us into a corner. Instead of deciding that one moment of fear is real for the rest of our lives, I have learned to look at each situation as the minute I am in. I can challenge my fears, phobias and quirks learning how to live life without the script of " I am always...this, that or the other...
I have learned so much about life over the last twelve months and pretty sure that 2013 will be following the same learning curve. I also recognize that as I continue to strive to understand each new lesson I can decide for me what works for right now. If I am feeling pressured to change my beliefs, to mold my decisions to the will of others or to be someone I am not...I can decide to step away from a relationship that does not feel safe. To send those who create unnecessary struggle and conflict away with light and love saves my peace. I have learned that some spend so much time distracting themselves from the work in front of them, because it seems easier to consume their minutes in drama. To push and pry at others keeps them too busy to see their joy or responsibilities.
It was not an easy journey to step away from the drama-filled existence of me, it took years. I crawled ever so slowly away from the part of my personality that felt alive only when consumed in the next tragedy. The change was tough...sometimes it actually felt like I was not really alive, that I was zombie like, because I had not real worries.
I loved learning this lesson, I love that the learning doesn't have to stop, and that it is never absolute.
While reviewing the lessons that stood out most for me in 2012, I came across a memory of my Tim talking to me about knowing. He said that those who are sure they know or are right are the farthest from it. It is only in recognizing that we might not know are we sure to find a way to the answer.
His words always inspired me but his ability to help me understand me more fully was his biggest gift.
I can also remember when in the midst of a horrible drama-cane (self-induced storm of emotions to deal with the current tragedy), he gently reminded me that the answer for this uproar was already present. He assured me that I was not only able to go through this life event without any help or intervention, he also wanted me to see that in fact I already was through it.
I believe that no problem ever exists without an answer being created at the same time. Stop and think about the many times you faced some situation that felt too large for you to handle. Then...think out ahead of it and tell me there was not an answer--always the problem comes to a resolution..ALWAYS.
Now to say that we always get the answer or ending we want would be untrue, but each situation pushes towards a new challenge, direction or ending.
Knowing that I do not know, that drama is never a path to feeling really alive and that problems come with solutions--some assembly required leads me to believe that I will never be done learning. The answers that I have found today may be valid for the rest of my life, or they may be a temporary understanding to what is my normal.
Often I see and hear people who say they cannot do something, that they are afraid of this or that, and I am reminded of a time when I felt frozen by all types of fears. Anytime we live, react or even allow fear based thoughts we are frozen in time. We never seem to grow past our current condition, emotional state or happiness. Taking a minute of fear and labeling it as phobia or reciting it as fact paints us into a corner. Instead of deciding that one moment of fear is real for the rest of our lives, I have learned to look at each situation as the minute I am in. I can challenge my fears, phobias and quirks learning how to live life without the script of " I am always...this, that or the other...
I have learned so much about life over the last twelve months and pretty sure that 2013 will be following the same learning curve. I also recognize that as I continue to strive to understand each new lesson I can decide for me what works for right now. If I am feeling pressured to change my beliefs, to mold my decisions to the will of others or to be someone I am not...I can decide to step away from a relationship that does not feel safe. To send those who create unnecessary struggle and conflict away with light and love saves my peace. I have learned that some spend so much time distracting themselves from the work in front of them, because it seems easier to consume their minutes in drama. To push and pry at others keeps them too busy to see their joy or responsibilities.
It was not an easy journey to step away from the drama-filled existence of me, it took years. I crawled ever so slowly away from the part of my personality that felt alive only when consumed in the next tragedy. The change was tough...sometimes it actually felt like I was not really alive, that I was zombie like, because I had not real worries.
I loved learning this lesson, I love that the learning doesn't have to stop, and that it is never absolute.
Lesson #2 LEARNING how to love CHANGE
We are smiling, have everything we need and surrounded by people we love. Meaningful or productive work, respect from those who admire and on and on.
For this moment in time we are happy. We are comfortable and ok...but then, it happens. Someone makes a new rule at work, the company closes or sells out, someone exits from our circle. A new update happens to the program that we just finally figured out how to be good at it. The shampoo we love stops being at our favorite store. The radio station that we have listened to forever suddenly has a dj and music that is not even in our language.
It is called change. Now I could say something profound here like==get over it. But I don't think that really gives this lesson or the folks who read my blog enough credit for how traumatic change can be.
But the gist of it is this...if you can learn to adapt to change you will live a life that will resemble the peace you hear about from those who have met the challenge.
“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”
― John F. Kennedy
As we have we found ourselves in the midst of many uncomfortable changes so many are screaming, but the way it has always been..., and they are clinging to what it is they believe that they must have remain the same to have their comfort, their happiness, their joy.
Is it not true that no matter where a person lives, even in the worlds most poorest country, if you were to travel there you could find people who were experiencing joy?
Of course you could, humans are spectacular at seeking out and creating joy. Our ability to find humor in the tragedy of life, to cling to the memories of happiness before our changes and the inspiration to seek change when we are not in comfort assures that no matter what our path, or tragedy in life we can find joy.
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
― Wayne W. Dyer
It is also true that we can take any situation that we are faced with and find our smile....I often challenge myself to find it on my hardest of days. I always do. This simple trick of changing the way I see the crazy long line at the grocery store when I am already late for where I need to be, has relieved stress, brought smiles and started some funny conversations from the others in line with me.
The aggravation I feel when someone has taken words, thoughts or even actions that were mine and used them for their own has flipped into a moment of understanding that I was an unplanned gifter. I understand that allowing the drama to slip out of the situation has also taught me that those who would take do not deserve to be in my circle. I would never knowingly do that to someone else. I have even been accused of giving away too much credit to others. But I appreciate inspiration, hard work and sharing...so there you go. It is a bit of a mind game at first, and I still have work errr or change to go. I still have moments where the anger hits me upside the head, and I have work through to the change of how I see the event.
“Change is the end result of all true learning.”
― Leo Buscaglia
So I have learned how to cultivate peace, how to accept those who have yet to learn and how to forgive the necessary changes in myself and others. I have often been known to quip at someone who is angry about some change that well maybe we should all just go back to using outdoor toilets, because we all know how difficult that change was. Or how about lights, phones, televised anything vs. radios? What about the return to snail mail, life before cell phones or the infamous debit card? These are all changes that have happened that we for the most part enjoy, but I bet in the midst of the change and maybe even today there are folks that resist it.
“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.”
― Winston S. Churchill
That is all!
For this moment in time we are happy. We are comfortable and ok...but then, it happens. Someone makes a new rule at work, the company closes or sells out, someone exits from our circle. A new update happens to the program that we just finally figured out how to be good at it. The shampoo we love stops being at our favorite store. The radio station that we have listened to forever suddenly has a dj and music that is not even in our language.
It is called change. Now I could say something profound here like==get over it. But I don't think that really gives this lesson or the folks who read my blog enough credit for how traumatic change can be.
But the gist of it is this...if you can learn to adapt to change you will live a life that will resemble the peace you hear about from those who have met the challenge.
“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”
― John F. Kennedy
As we have we found ourselves in the midst of many uncomfortable changes so many are screaming, but the way it has always been..., and they are clinging to what it is they believe that they must have remain the same to have their comfort, their happiness, their joy.
Is it not true that no matter where a person lives, even in the worlds most poorest country, if you were to travel there you could find people who were experiencing joy?
Of course you could, humans are spectacular at seeking out and creating joy. Our ability to find humor in the tragedy of life, to cling to the memories of happiness before our changes and the inspiration to seek change when we are not in comfort assures that no matter what our path, or tragedy in life we can find joy.
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
― Wayne W. Dyer
It is also true that we can take any situation that we are faced with and find our smile....I often challenge myself to find it on my hardest of days. I always do. This simple trick of changing the way I see the crazy long line at the grocery store when I am already late for where I need to be, has relieved stress, brought smiles and started some funny conversations from the others in line with me.
The aggravation I feel when someone has taken words, thoughts or even actions that were mine and used them for their own has flipped into a moment of understanding that I was an unplanned gifter. I understand that allowing the drama to slip out of the situation has also taught me that those who would take do not deserve to be in my circle. I would never knowingly do that to someone else. I have even been accused of giving away too much credit to others. But I appreciate inspiration, hard work and sharing...so there you go. It is a bit of a mind game at first, and I still have work errr or change to go. I still have moments where the anger hits me upside the head, and I have work through to the change of how I see the event.
“Change is the end result of all true learning.”
― Leo Buscaglia
So I have learned how to cultivate peace, how to accept those who have yet to learn and how to forgive the necessary changes in myself and others. I have often been known to quip at someone who is angry about some change that well maybe we should all just go back to using outdoor toilets, because we all know how difficult that change was. Or how about lights, phones, televised anything vs. radios? What about the return to snail mail, life before cell phones or the infamous debit card? These are all changes that have happened that we for the most part enjoy, but I bet in the midst of the change and maybe even today there are folks that resist it.
“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.”
― Winston S. Churchill
That is all!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Lesson #3 It's none of my business what other people think of me
Now I have to add a quick note here...I really do care what many people think of me. I work hard to keep their respect, share with them how much I love them, and try to never ever let them down. To be honest, I am sure I rarely meet all those goals, but I keep trying.
But the lesson is to not get stuck or tied to the the thoughts about what others think of me. To learn how to free myself of that worry is the single best habit I have ever developed. I must also let you know it's not a constant thing.
There are moments when I have someone share a bit of gossip or disheartening words about someone else and immediately I am consumed with the thought of gee, if they profess to like that person and they are talking about them in that way, I wonder what they really think and say about me? But it is fleeting...and all too obvious to me that I need to step away first from the gossiper, and then second from the concern of what their opinion of me.
I have seen many times lately a little picture quote on facebook
I keep trying, I accept that I am going to make mistakes, I understand that I will change and other people will too. I forgive myself and others and let go of those things that I cannot change. If I hurt someone and know about it, I will apologize until it is enough.
But in the end, it is still none of my business what someone else thinks of me...so SCORE...I count every day when I can accept all of the above as a day in my WIN column.
But the lesson is to not get stuck or tied to the the thoughts about what others think of me. To learn how to free myself of that worry is the single best habit I have ever developed. I must also let you know it's not a constant thing.
There are moments when I have someone share a bit of gossip or disheartening words about someone else and immediately I am consumed with the thought of gee, if they profess to like that person and they are talking about them in that way, I wonder what they really think and say about me? But it is fleeting...and all too obvious to me that I need to step away first from the gossiper, and then second from the concern of what their opinion of me.
I have seen many times lately a little picture quote on facebook
I keep trying, I accept that I am going to make mistakes, I understand that I will change and other people will too. I forgive myself and others and let go of those things that I cannot change. If I hurt someone and know about it, I will apologize until it is enough.
But in the end, it is still none of my business what someone else thinks of me...so SCORE...I count every day when I can accept all of the above as a day in my WIN column.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Biggest Lesson #4 Dealing with hurt and disappointment
For the last several years I have seen less and less hurt and disappointment in my life. Taking steps to step back from what is not working has WORKED for me. I smile most of the time, understand that when pain happens it is a lesson and in general love my life.
I see so much potential in so many people who show up. Opportunities for us to learn from each other, share great ideas and have lots of fun. I rarely meet anyone that I do not like or find some common ground where we can dance and get to know each other. That is not to say sometimes someone comes into my reality and I have a sense of knowing about them what others might not see as all too obvious. It's not really a judgement or even a dislike. It is more of a recognition in them something that reminds me of a path I have traveled before. A sense that there is no reason to pursue the common path because I have been down one just like it a time or many. Some have given me advice when discussing the decision to not travel down that way. They have said I should give that person a chance to be my friend. That I just don't know the real them, or some other similar suggestion that I am wrong about my feeling about this person.
We all have the ability to see in others what is really there and I have learned that trying to talk myself away from those instincts almost always leads me to a new lesson. Not that I don't like to learn, but it kinda reminds me of re-taking a test I have already passed...WHY? When you passed your final exams, did you turn in your test paper and then beg the teacher if you could please, please, please take it one more time? Me either---when you are busy paying attention to those who show up in your life and appreciate what it is they are there to share, show or take, you recognize the lessons, pass the test and move onto the next.
That is not to say it doesn't hurt, or that it is not supposed to cause you discomfort. It does and it will, but it is not something we have to get stuck on or even punish ourselves with.
And even though I have gotten much better at allowing those who do not have something that I want, to travel on without me, that does not even keep the lessons from coming.
I either have chosen to ignore or have stepped onto a new lesson path with some and will travel down the path with them. It sometimes doesn't end well. The path will end with them being added to my lesson column and I will then be able to see them in others who come after to make sure I passed that test.
Recently I have had to allow two friends step away...because for whatever reason they decided that I was not worth their time. That because I had said at some point their behavior was wrong, and shared they could chose better, and because I didn't pretend like everything was ok when it wasn't. It hurts...I have cried...and I have moved on.
I refuse to get stuck on the fact that they abandoned my friendship because of my honesty or for whatever excuse they now tell others as to why we are not friends. Some of the behaviors that I witnessed in them were some I needed to cut from my life. Their lesson to me was whether you invest completely in a relationship or not, whether you do right or wrong, and even if you feel like you added something to their happy sometimes it is over. There is a hole and a space now ready for the next smiles to be brought by a new person who will also grow to be your next lesson, love or legacy.
And if I were to send the newly exited a note of thanks it might go something like this...to a few.
I wanted to send you both a note and say thanks. It has been a real learning experience over the last year and a half. I learned so much about strength and pain and being more real. I miss the good parts of the friendship, and I wish you both much success and happiness.
Your choice to ignore and remove yourselves from my life was a big knife--it has now been surgically removed, stitches out and healing has begun.
and now I am smiling...because I won't spend anymore time hurting, I have a scar and a memory of the pain, but the test is over. I got the lesson...and I passed.
I see so much potential in so many people who show up. Opportunities for us to learn from each other, share great ideas and have lots of fun. I rarely meet anyone that I do not like or find some common ground where we can dance and get to know each other. That is not to say sometimes someone comes into my reality and I have a sense of knowing about them what others might not see as all too obvious. It's not really a judgement or even a dislike. It is more of a recognition in them something that reminds me of a path I have traveled before. A sense that there is no reason to pursue the common path because I have been down one just like it a time or many. Some have given me advice when discussing the decision to not travel down that way. They have said I should give that person a chance to be my friend. That I just don't know the real them, or some other similar suggestion that I am wrong about my feeling about this person.
We all have the ability to see in others what is really there and I have learned that trying to talk myself away from those instincts almost always leads me to a new lesson. Not that I don't like to learn, but it kinda reminds me of re-taking a test I have already passed...WHY? When you passed your final exams, did you turn in your test paper and then beg the teacher if you could please, please, please take it one more time? Me either---when you are busy paying attention to those who show up in your life and appreciate what it is they are there to share, show or take, you recognize the lessons, pass the test and move onto the next.
That is not to say it doesn't hurt, or that it is not supposed to cause you discomfort. It does and it will, but it is not something we have to get stuck on or even punish ourselves with.
And even though I have gotten much better at allowing those who do not have something that I want, to travel on without me, that does not even keep the lessons from coming.
I either have chosen to ignore or have stepped onto a new lesson path with some and will travel down the path with them. It sometimes doesn't end well. The path will end with them being added to my lesson column and I will then be able to see them in others who come after to make sure I passed that test.
Recently I have had to allow two friends step away...because for whatever reason they decided that I was not worth their time. That because I had said at some point their behavior was wrong, and shared they could chose better, and because I didn't pretend like everything was ok when it wasn't. It hurts...I have cried...and I have moved on.
I refuse to get stuck on the fact that they abandoned my friendship because of my honesty or for whatever excuse they now tell others as to why we are not friends. Some of the behaviors that I witnessed in them were some I needed to cut from my life. Their lesson to me was whether you invest completely in a relationship or not, whether you do right or wrong, and even if you feel like you added something to their happy sometimes it is over. There is a hole and a space now ready for the next smiles to be brought by a new person who will also grow to be your next lesson, love or legacy.
And if I were to send the newly exited a note of thanks it might go something like this...to a few.
I wanted to send you both a note and say thanks. It has been a real learning experience over the last year and a half. I learned so much about strength and pain and being more real. I miss the good parts of the friendship, and I wish you both much success and happiness.
Your choice to ignore and remove yourselves from my life was a big knife--it has now been surgically removed, stitches out and healing has begun.
and now I am smiling...because I won't spend anymore time hurting, I have a scar and a memory of the pain, but the test is over. I got the lesson...and I passed.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Lesson #5 Sometimes people listen to you even if they pretend like they are not!
Sometimes it's hard knowing or at least feeling pretty sure you know you can help someone and have them act like they aren't hearing you. You offer to help, even giving information with no expectation that they will listen or even if it's the work you do, will hire you to do it.
I have had some pretty strange instances this year when giving of myself and sharing information, the person I shared with simply acted as if they didn't think it was a good idea. But later I found out they followed the advice.
I literally had one person at a meeting take almost exactly what I said and repeat it as if it were her idea. To be honest it kind of irked me at the moment...but then I remember, some are takers and some are givers. I would be the giver.
It's sometimes hard to not get credit, actually feels a little crummy to be honest. But then I remember that it is in my nature to give....and I will keep doing it.
I have had some pretty strange instances this year when giving of myself and sharing information, the person I shared with simply acted as if they didn't think it was a good idea. But later I found out they followed the advice.
I literally had one person at a meeting take almost exactly what I said and repeat it as if it were her idea. To be honest it kind of irked me at the moment...but then I remember, some are takers and some are givers. I would be the giver.
It's sometimes hard to not get credit, actually feels a little crummy to be honest. But then I remember that it is in my nature to give....and I will keep doing it.
Lesson #6 No matter how much you care about someone...they may not care about you.
As I shared in one of the previous best lessons, I have gotten better and not having to have love or even good behavior in return from those I love .
I simply choose to love, no matter what others choose.
But recently I have had to step back from a few people that I dearly love. And to be honest, I didn't really step, I more like just shifted a bit.
It became a little more than obvious that a couple of friends were behaving a bit bizarrely. They had an almost paranoid reaction to everything that was going on in our circle. I don't really understand it, but I think I get a pretty good idea when I look at it through the eyes of the old me.
Jealous is a horrible phantom. When you are living in fear of losing someone, something or some self you behave in a way that makes you hard to be around. Your behavior becomes erratic and accusatory. You find fault with all those you have learned or decided not to trust. You begin to feel left out not because you are pushed away but because your behavior makes others uncomfortable. You spend time warning others about those who you are jealous of, and most of the time it is unwarranted. Anyone looking in from the outside would call you gossip, someone who is unable to let issues go, or even to work on them to resolve what pain you feel.
My lesson is to allow those who cannot grasp that we are all one and that we own no other person be in their cage of fear for as long as they choose. We are not guaranteed time or attention, and we should make our selves busy with doing the most good instead of controlling others for our own feelings.
BIG lesson for me, that sometimes when you are in line with what is right and comfortable and peaceful, those who cannot feel it will see it as something to run from. In the process they will turn away from you instead of working on their feelings and understanding that feelings are not facts.
Being insecure is all about those who feel it. Being at peace and allowing others to have joy, other friends and being happy for their happy is an inside job.
Getting myself settled and confident in my life allows me the privilege of being present in others lives for all that they will allow of me. Not feeling threatened or abandoned if their story goes another direction without me. If there was love and concern for each other then no manner of distance or change, changes that. Time is what we spend...and I am present for whenever those can give me some of their life~
I simply choose to love, no matter what others choose.
But recently I have had to step back from a few people that I dearly love. And to be honest, I didn't really step, I more like just shifted a bit.
It became a little more than obvious that a couple of friends were behaving a bit bizarrely. They had an almost paranoid reaction to everything that was going on in our circle. I don't really understand it, but I think I get a pretty good idea when I look at it through the eyes of the old me.
Jealous is a horrible phantom. When you are living in fear of losing someone, something or some self you behave in a way that makes you hard to be around. Your behavior becomes erratic and accusatory. You find fault with all those you have learned or decided not to trust. You begin to feel left out not because you are pushed away but because your behavior makes others uncomfortable. You spend time warning others about those who you are jealous of, and most of the time it is unwarranted. Anyone looking in from the outside would call you gossip, someone who is unable to let issues go, or even to work on them to resolve what pain you feel.
My lesson is to allow those who cannot grasp that we are all one and that we own no other person be in their cage of fear for as long as they choose. We are not guaranteed time or attention, and we should make our selves busy with doing the most good instead of controlling others for our own feelings.
BIG lesson for me, that sometimes when you are in line with what is right and comfortable and peaceful, those who cannot feel it will see it as something to run from. In the process they will turn away from you instead of working on their feelings and understanding that feelings are not facts.
Being insecure is all about those who feel it. Being at peace and allowing others to have joy, other friends and being happy for their happy is an inside job.
Getting myself settled and confident in my life allows me the privilege of being present in others lives for all that they will allow of me. Not feeling threatened or abandoned if their story goes another direction without me. If there was love and concern for each other then no manner of distance or change, changes that. Time is what we spend...and I am present for whenever those can give me some of their life~
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Lesson #7 Loving those who don't know how to love back
For many years of my life I was in protection mode. This is a trait either picked up because of two many heartbreaks or by osmosis, hard to decide where it came from for sure.
And to say that I knew it well would be an understatement. Being trained to wait until someone is fully vested until risking anything is a lonely path. Never fully committing to any relationship because there may be pain at the pay off, leaves one semi-alone most of the time.
I no longer consider whether or not someone will love me back as my per-requisite for loving them first. I believe every person I encounter has value in my life. It is up to them to decide whether they will be an asset or a liability to my history, but I love them full on just the same. I believe every person is a child of the universe and each holds the equal amount of treasure to our world. They can give of themselves and be more to those they cross paths with or they can bank and hold on to all that they are in their path of fear. Their fears are probably results of having pain in their lives, and it is not for me to judge whether they are good or bad.
At the end of the day, month, year or relationship, I simply must do an inventory of who you were in my life. You could have been a love, someone who added more to my smiles and memories each time we were together. You could be a legacy, a piece of my life puzzle that changed me forever. Or you were a lesson, someone who taught me about being more, or letting go of you because the cost was too high. Your damage made me feel less than, unloved or unworthy.
You get to decide what you will be in the lives of others, but you don't get to decide for me who you will be in my history. I choose to love you, because I can. Because I am good at it, and because I ask nothing in return for loving you. I allow you to decide your path without drama from me...if you want to hang and learn from each other, I'm all in. As long as you play nice, do not cause damage or otherwise can hang in the parallel world of positivity, I chose to love. Likewise if you chose the other paths, of drama, destruction and hurt, I chose to love...but with a little more distance in our reality. I love you...with no expectations.
And to say that I knew it well would be an understatement. Being trained to wait until someone is fully vested until risking anything is a lonely path. Never fully committing to any relationship because there may be pain at the pay off, leaves one semi-alone most of the time.
I no longer consider whether or not someone will love me back as my per-requisite for loving them first. I believe every person I encounter has value in my life. It is up to them to decide whether they will be an asset or a liability to my history, but I love them full on just the same. I believe every person is a child of the universe and each holds the equal amount of treasure to our world. They can give of themselves and be more to those they cross paths with or they can bank and hold on to all that they are in their path of fear. Their fears are probably results of having pain in their lives, and it is not for me to judge whether they are good or bad.
At the end of the day, month, year or relationship, I simply must do an inventory of who you were in my life. You could have been a love, someone who added more to my smiles and memories each time we were together. You could be a legacy, a piece of my life puzzle that changed me forever. Or you were a lesson, someone who taught me about being more, or letting go of you because the cost was too high. Your damage made me feel less than, unloved or unworthy.
You get to decide what you will be in the lives of others, but you don't get to decide for me who you will be in my history. I choose to love you, because I can. Because I am good at it, and because I ask nothing in return for loving you. I allow you to decide your path without drama from me...if you want to hang and learn from each other, I'm all in. As long as you play nice, do not cause damage or otherwise can hang in the parallel world of positivity, I chose to love. Likewise if you chose the other paths, of drama, destruction and hurt, I chose to love...but with a little more distance in our reality. I love you...with no expectations.
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