Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
It's just a little gumption...
I used to worry that someone might not like me, then I decided what other people think of me is none of my business. I used to think I would die if you stopped loving me, then I realized only people who love themselves truely know how to love others. I used to fear that someday I would be alone, and then I discovered how wonderful alone time can be. Now that I have learned these important lessons, I am ready for the next adventures in life. Friends that appreciate, love and care for me because they can. People who work as hard at making me better as they do the world. Unselfish hearts that love without concern for the return. Life can be made better not only for the things that are added to it, but often for the things that are taken away. Facebook post 12/30/11
The number of important people in my life is way up there in the triple digits. I cannot even tell you how many moments that have come and gone where I might not have been able to keep it all together had it not been for some amazing hearts.
I feel blessed everyday when I get a call, message or visit from these people. They are the most wonderful expressions of humaness and they all share my reality. I am in awe of how great their love is for me and for the world...it is the thing that songs are written about, stories retold of and movies inspired by.
It's hard to tell about each one---but the first person to ever tell me to disregard the opinion of self that came from others, probably saved my sanity. I had spent so much of my young life seeking approval, that I didnt even know when I had an original thought. She was Dorothy, but she will always be Mimi to me. She told me things often to stop my pity parties because they served no useful purpose. I thought I was supposed to feel every emotion, and learning that I could choose the ones to hang onto was also part of her lessons. She listened to me as I would cry and tell her of this injustice or that hardship, and then she would spout some wisdom like--"you know Pam the world doesn't revolve around you" or " You have 5 minutes on that pity pot and then it is time to get up and give some else a turn" and my favorite--"its really none of your business what other people think of you". Yeah truer words were never spoken.
I have also been told that I love too hard---that I committ my heart to people who often don't deserve it. And I believe that in the past that might have been true, but I have learned to look for the love that flows both ways. I also know that my love for others was not wasted. Even if they chose to turn away and not love me back...it doesn't take away from my belief that everyone deserves to have someone in this world that says I love you "unconditionally". I don't mind being that person for many in my life. Even when that love leaves me wounded, I can say that I gave as much as there was to give. The funny thing is that all of those who have stabbed me in the back, turned away and left me to find better or took advantage of my heart taught me more than I could have ever asked for...because they taught me to love without requirements. They also taught me that I can love the most difficult people and still set them far enough out of my circle that they can feel my love, but I don't have to feel their pain.
I have hung onto relationships because of that fear or maybe because of the love, but a friendship or relationship can grow cold and lonely when there is only one person standing up for the hearts. I know that for me I am the sum total of all my experiences, and that some of those have been horrible. I also know that as I retell my story that I can work on just remembering the good. Knowing that there was enough bad is all I need to do, I don't have to relive it unless it has relevance for someone else. I also have learned to let go...in a healthy and inspired way. I can love you whether you love me or not....and want you to know that when those thoughts of me cross your mind it is because I am sending you light and love.
I have watched as my new found strength and self confidence has angered those who were used to the nice me. And while I still believe myself to be nice, I have learned that being nice to me means more than any other good stuff I do in this world. If I don't practice self-care all the relationships in the world will not make up for the damage some misguided souls can do in ones life. I don't really think they are bad people...they just don't mind doing bad things. I have also come to understand that with each decision to limit the access of this life to those who would soil it, means that I open doors and pathways for good to find its way in. And to say that good people have made their way to my life is an understatement. I have to work more these days understanding how I could be worthy of so much good. The gifts of friendship that they share, the love that is given freely and in abundance, the moments where the part that I play in their life is celebrated, feels like nothing I can even remember in my previous life.
I think when someone tells the truth, they add a piece to the armour that protects us from the meaness in the world. Their words resonate with our soul as beautifully as if they were a song. They rebuild those pieces of us that have been damaged by those who don't know truth and don't understand its power and gifts. Likewise I think that when someone lies, they bring a virus to our hearts. A group of spiritual germs that eat away at us because we can feel the illness of the untruth. And the infection spreads and creates tears and physical pain when the lie is revealed. It is as if it were an erupting sore, gross and needing to be lanced and cleansed. When we take back those stolen truths and begin to heal there will still be the scars of those who created the wounds of lies. But we will only have to remember them when we need to.
I have written often of my Tim...there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him. Our relationship was one of lessons, laughter and love. He guided me through parts of this life that I was not sure I would survive. I have known hurt that was so big it felt as if it would crush me. I always knew he was there when I needed to hear that cajun twang and feel real love. He never asked anything of me, but gave always to my growing up. His wisdom was big...and I ate it up ever chance I had. When he left this world, he left a really big hole that I have had trouble filling.
I cannot even understand all the gifts that have come through family. The five kids who love me unconditionally, the grands that Gimmee' me to happiness. The extended family that supported the tragic and rollercoaster life that was my youth. The storm was big, but they always found a way to make it better. I can remember one time that I had called and talked to my grandmother and although when she was asking how we were and I just kept saying ok, she could hear that there was trouble and a few days later a sweet letter came in the mail with support, words of encouragement and love. I really miss my mamaw too.
The holidays have always been a very tough time for me...until a few years ago when the lesson at hand was to take the commercial gifting obsession out of the celebration. It was tough year, I had loaned my Christmas money and it had not found its way back....hasn't made its way back yet. In turn I was gifted money from friends....and one day I will be able to gift it back. But the holiday came off without a hitch. It was beyond lovely and to this day is one of my most favorite Thanksgiving, Christmas seasons yet. This year was right up there also...actually each year since the lesson has been amazing.
I guess all these lessons are pretty much what everyone gets to learn. My life has not really been all that special...but I have enjoyed living it just the same. I would not take a minute of it back. Not those times when someones love was so big I could feel it as if it were tangible and in the room. Each of those moments when I realized that someone had grown to hate me for my mistakes or just who I am, and I began to understand that there would be another person I would have to add to my light and love list. To those moments when some would take so much away from me that I felt as if there were holes in my soul. I would still have chose to live...each and every moment.
The most favorite moments are when the gumption takes over and I am very honest with others. Even if it is in an indirect way. I can let you know that you crossed a line that has my boundary alarm going off. I can still allow you to behave however you choose, it is not for me to correct, change or control. But sometimes just a word in the right direction can let someone who is open to knowing the truth to get a glimpse of how their harshness, opinions or carelessness might have hurt others. Maybe they will get the hint, and maybe they will delete me from their facebook. Maybe they will learn forgiveness or maybe they will be locked forever in their rightness. I would reather be kind that right, honest than too kind, and forgiving instead of angry. But those are my choices...to make, to treasure, to share. I have learned lots of lessons in this life...and am thankful for all the additions and understanding of the subtractions.
The number of important people in my life is way up there in the triple digits. I cannot even tell you how many moments that have come and gone where I might not have been able to keep it all together had it not been for some amazing hearts.
I feel blessed everyday when I get a call, message or visit from these people. They are the most wonderful expressions of humaness and they all share my reality. I am in awe of how great their love is for me and for the world...it is the thing that songs are written about, stories retold of and movies inspired by.
It's hard to tell about each one---but the first person to ever tell me to disregard the opinion of self that came from others, probably saved my sanity. I had spent so much of my young life seeking approval, that I didnt even know when I had an original thought. She was Dorothy, but she will always be Mimi to me. She told me things often to stop my pity parties because they served no useful purpose. I thought I was supposed to feel every emotion, and learning that I could choose the ones to hang onto was also part of her lessons. She listened to me as I would cry and tell her of this injustice or that hardship, and then she would spout some wisdom like--"you know Pam the world doesn't revolve around you" or " You have 5 minutes on that pity pot and then it is time to get up and give some else a turn" and my favorite--"its really none of your business what other people think of you". Yeah truer words were never spoken.
I have also been told that I love too hard---that I committ my heart to people who often don't deserve it. And I believe that in the past that might have been true, but I have learned to look for the love that flows both ways. I also know that my love for others was not wasted. Even if they chose to turn away and not love me back...it doesn't take away from my belief that everyone deserves to have someone in this world that says I love you "unconditionally". I don't mind being that person for many in my life. Even when that love leaves me wounded, I can say that I gave as much as there was to give. The funny thing is that all of those who have stabbed me in the back, turned away and left me to find better or took advantage of my heart taught me more than I could have ever asked for...because they taught me to love without requirements. They also taught me that I can love the most difficult people and still set them far enough out of my circle that they can feel my love, but I don't have to feel their pain.
I have hung onto relationships because of that fear or maybe because of the love, but a friendship or relationship can grow cold and lonely when there is only one person standing up for the hearts. I know that for me I am the sum total of all my experiences, and that some of those have been horrible. I also know that as I retell my story that I can work on just remembering the good. Knowing that there was enough bad is all I need to do, I don't have to relive it unless it has relevance for someone else. I also have learned to let go...in a healthy and inspired way. I can love you whether you love me or not....and want you to know that when those thoughts of me cross your mind it is because I am sending you light and love.
I have watched as my new found strength and self confidence has angered those who were used to the nice me. And while I still believe myself to be nice, I have learned that being nice to me means more than any other good stuff I do in this world. If I don't practice self-care all the relationships in the world will not make up for the damage some misguided souls can do in ones life. I don't really think they are bad people...they just don't mind doing bad things. I have also come to understand that with each decision to limit the access of this life to those who would soil it, means that I open doors and pathways for good to find its way in. And to say that good people have made their way to my life is an understatement. I have to work more these days understanding how I could be worthy of so much good. The gifts of friendship that they share, the love that is given freely and in abundance, the moments where the part that I play in their life is celebrated, feels like nothing I can even remember in my previous life.
I think when someone tells the truth, they add a piece to the armour that protects us from the meaness in the world. Their words resonate with our soul as beautifully as if they were a song. They rebuild those pieces of us that have been damaged by those who don't know truth and don't understand its power and gifts. Likewise I think that when someone lies, they bring a virus to our hearts. A group of spiritual germs that eat away at us because we can feel the illness of the untruth. And the infection spreads and creates tears and physical pain when the lie is revealed. It is as if it were an erupting sore, gross and needing to be lanced and cleansed. When we take back those stolen truths and begin to heal there will still be the scars of those who created the wounds of lies. But we will only have to remember them when we need to.
I have written often of my Tim...there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him. Our relationship was one of lessons, laughter and love. He guided me through parts of this life that I was not sure I would survive. I have known hurt that was so big it felt as if it would crush me. I always knew he was there when I needed to hear that cajun twang and feel real love. He never asked anything of me, but gave always to my growing up. His wisdom was big...and I ate it up ever chance I had. When he left this world, he left a really big hole that I have had trouble filling.
I cannot even understand all the gifts that have come through family. The five kids who love me unconditionally, the grands that Gimmee' me to happiness. The extended family that supported the tragic and rollercoaster life that was my youth. The storm was big, but they always found a way to make it better. I can remember one time that I had called and talked to my grandmother and although when she was asking how we were and I just kept saying ok, she could hear that there was trouble and a few days later a sweet letter came in the mail with support, words of encouragement and love. I really miss my mamaw too.
The holidays have always been a very tough time for me...until a few years ago when the lesson at hand was to take the commercial gifting obsession out of the celebration. It was tough year, I had loaned my Christmas money and it had not found its way back....hasn't made its way back yet. In turn I was gifted money from friends....and one day I will be able to gift it back. But the holiday came off without a hitch. It was beyond lovely and to this day is one of my most favorite Thanksgiving, Christmas seasons yet. This year was right up there also...actually each year since the lesson has been amazing.
I guess all these lessons are pretty much what everyone gets to learn. My life has not really been all that special...but I have enjoyed living it just the same. I would not take a minute of it back. Not those times when someones love was so big I could feel it as if it were tangible and in the room. Each of those moments when I realized that someone had grown to hate me for my mistakes or just who I am, and I began to understand that there would be another person I would have to add to my light and love list. To those moments when some would take so much away from me that I felt as if there were holes in my soul. I would still have chose to live...each and every moment.
The most favorite moments are when the gumption takes over and I am very honest with others. Even if it is in an indirect way. I can let you know that you crossed a line that has my boundary alarm going off. I can still allow you to behave however you choose, it is not for me to correct, change or control. But sometimes just a word in the right direction can let someone who is open to knowing the truth to get a glimpse of how their harshness, opinions or carelessness might have hurt others. Maybe they will get the hint, and maybe they will delete me from their facebook. Maybe they will learn forgiveness or maybe they will be locked forever in their rightness. I would reather be kind that right, honest than too kind, and forgiving instead of angry. But those are my choices...to make, to treasure, to share. I have learned lots of lessons in this life...and am thankful for all the additions and understanding of the subtractions.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
If I were asked today, still I would have chosen to LIVE, every second, crying each tear, bearing each child, hurting each pain--skipping not a second
As I share this the tears are falling down my face. Each of us has a reason we are here. Each of us has a cross to bear. Each of us has a light to share. It is our choice whether we will be angry and ask Why me? or be glad for the lessons and ask Why not me? Even with every hardship, pain, love, hurt, joy and celebration...I would have chosen to LIVE. I would have said YES let me walk among those who have graced my LIFE~~I will live each moment I have, give all that I am to what is before me, and love every one, even those who don't know how to love me back. Thank you for this LIFE...each and every second of it!
I share this video as she shares with those she knows, and the world that her life has turned...but if asked she would still say "I choose life, and all that means".
I share this video as she shares with those she knows, and the world that her life has turned...but if asked she would still say "I choose life, and all that means".
Friday, December 16, 2011
So love it when I find someone who can tell it like it is and then some.
We have the no cussing rule at work, that doesn't mean I don't know or use cuss words, it just means that as we all serve as examples for those we are trying to encourage and educate, that being a good example means being able to speak professionally while in the work setting. It's not a bad idea, it actually means we are not only being respectful of our work environment, but we are working towards being the best example that we can. But on the other hand sometimes there are only a few words that will fit some given situations. I know that it has taken me years and many episodes of embarrasment as a toddler mimicked my word choice while driving. Only to have he/she repeat me when someone cut us off in the grocery store. I also have tried to replace the ever appropriate well $#!*, with a shux, dang or darn when the little ones are in ear shot and my butter fingers kicked in.
But that is not to say that I don't really, really, really appreciate those who can tell it LIKE IT IS! With all the correct usage of the explitives, and the many explamation and other points thrown in the mix.
But my latest blog find is none-other than my latest Blog hero, even the title while controversial to some, is really quiet appropriate when you think about it. She is merely stating that aggression she would like to take at some well justified moment. Does not mean that she has or ever will act on it...but you know we still have freedom of speech, and to be honest havent we all had those moments when the thought crossed our mind that the act would fit the crime?
If you have a chance drop by her blog and hit a few of the most recent...my current favorite happens to be Jen and she is the author of People I Want to Punch in the Throat and my favorite post of hers to day is http://peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.blogspot.com/2011/12/over-achieving-elf-on-shelf-mommies.html
And while her blog is sprinkled with some colorful and sometimes harsh words, they tell all too well how many of us feel inadequate when we meet the overachievers, which are a part of the Elf on the Shelf story. I have spent a little time over the last couple of days reading some of her other blogs and I like her, I really really like her. I like how she thinks, enjoy how she takes her thoughts and entertains and I love how she doesnt mince words when she is busy sharing her thoughts. I am sure there have been or will be those who might not enjoy it as much as I do, but I see all things as an option to learn. I learn from everyone, everything, everyday....and I am learning and enjoying her blog as I do most things that entertain me. Who knows I might even learn a few new words, or ways to punch someone without ever laying a hand on their throat.
But that is not to say that I don't really, really, really appreciate those who can tell it LIKE IT IS! With all the correct usage of the explitives, and the many explamation and other points thrown in the mix.
But my latest blog find is none-other than my latest Blog hero, even the title while controversial to some, is really quiet appropriate when you think about it. She is merely stating that aggression she would like to take at some well justified moment. Does not mean that she has or ever will act on it...but you know we still have freedom of speech, and to be honest havent we all had those moments when the thought crossed our mind that the act would fit the crime?
If you have a chance drop by her blog and hit a few of the most recent...my current favorite happens to be Jen and she is the author of People I Want to Punch in the Throat and my favorite post of hers to day is http://peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.blogspot.com/2011/12/over-achieving-elf-on-shelf-mommies.html
And while her blog is sprinkled with some colorful and sometimes harsh words, they tell all too well how many of us feel inadequate when we meet the overachievers, which are a part of the Elf on the Shelf story. I have spent a little time over the last couple of days reading some of her other blogs and I like her, I really really like her. I like how she thinks, enjoy how she takes her thoughts and entertains and I love how she doesnt mince words when she is busy sharing her thoughts. I am sure there have been or will be those who might not enjoy it as much as I do, but I see all things as an option to learn. I learn from everyone, everything, everyday....and I am learning and enjoying her blog as I do most things that entertain me. Who knows I might even learn a few new words, or ways to punch someone without ever laying a hand on their throat.
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