No one can ever tell you when it's time to be past something that has happened in your life that altered how you see your self or someone else. I am not even sure that we always know when its time, but sometimes there is a feeling that comes over us the majority of our days, and no matter what else is going on that feeling is prevelant in all the emotions that register in our memories.
I have spent about two years, reeling from a barrrage of lies, mountains of deciet and tides of pain that changed my perspective. And for most of those years, the blog~erapy, rants and even some conversations have been based on that story. Except in those moments of clarity when I could feel the goodness of life come over me, when the hope was so large it felt as real as an open fire.
That story is now officially over for me, and from this moment forward, except when the lesson reference can help me explain a decision or change in my current direction that is based on past experience, I am completely and forever done with it.
I won't relive it anymore, because it serves no purpose. There are no points to be gained or pain that is worth bringing up that story ever again...unless someone can figure out how to make it into an interesting movie...we be done! I am so relieved! I have waited for this moment. This milestone in life that would not only be the closing of that door, but the second when I could turn towards my future and see myself happy in it. It is now.
I actually get goose bumps when I think what this life still holds for me. I feel so much promise in moving past my past. I love that life is all about beginnings. Even when that means the change signals that there must be an ending. I love that I can now choose to always see things as they are, with blame correctly aimed in my direction. And while my choices and truth attributed to that end, I am the better for it. I was never strong enough to stand up for myself or feel like I had the right. I was not happy, actually I was closer to miserable, because I chose to keep the peace, not to live in it. You cannot love someone enough to make them honorable, you cannot unselfish you way into someone elses compassion, and you cannot ever be miserable enough to make someone happy.
I understand so much more about reality and the lack of it that should really be in my life. Reality is just the culmination of everyone elses drama and damage. It has so little to do with my happiness. My life is my creation, I will now tell a story of how I want it to be---always! Keeping in mind that allowing some conflict and diversions can only be used to clarify closer to what I really want and will allow in this life.
I choose now to enjoy each moment in the capacity that I can contain that excitement. I will live with YES as my most recurring motto, and seek only to find joy in each situation that comes into view. I will not ever feel sorry for myself or others who have directed their lives towards misery. Instead I will hold fast to understanding that my focus calls those things into my life. Focusing on any misery or thing you dont want perpetuates it in your life just the same as putting a magnifying glass towards the object of your misery. The only steps now are those of recognition. When I see something that I don't want--I will say thats not it for me, and then turn my focus on what I do want. I will no longer give my power or energy to those things that would take my joy or steal my smiles. I refuse!
The biggest change of all is in me, it is my ability to say goodbye to anyone who chooses to leave my story. And while I will feel the pain of that goodbye, the normal emotion of change, I will never again allow that emotion to be the reason I cannot let someone go of their own free will.
This last thing left is the most freeing of all steps of my journey past my past. I don't feel loss of even the years I seemed to have been stuck. I will not measure my recovery by someone elses measuring stick. I will not shame or should on myself...rather I will enjoy my new found understanding of this process. I will cling to this feeling of elation beyond many of the moments in my life that rank among the best. I have been physically ill for the last several days, and it feels as though it was a necessary time to get this perspective....funny how life is always about giving me what I need, if only I could always recognize it as so. Hey wait, I have---learned how to do that!
I am ready---to create a life that is about honesty and achieving all my desires. A life filled with purpose and success in my chosen field of creating for others. I am ready---and so excited for 2011---and all that I will create for me.
I am ready--moving on
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