Recently I was asked to talk about a pretty rough part of my life...well actually is was a big rough patch in my life. It was my marriage. If you are new to Blog~erapy you might have missed how this blog even was started, so let me share a bit of my history.
I was working on ending a marriage that never seemed to make it past go, didn't get to collect $200 or even find how to purchase any hotels, railroads or even a house. We were dysfunctional to say the least.
As I began the process of realizing that my ex-husband was not the best person to help me grow as an individual and most of the time had a rough time supporting me as a wife. Now I could sit here and list so many different reasons why our marriage ended in divorce, but for my purpose of sharing it was because of my weakness to stand on my own and his repeated behavior of control and belittling. It is true that as I began to heal from years of what I now call abusive behavior, I realized more and more that what was happening in my everyday was not only not the norm for a married couple, it was no where near acceptable either.
So through trying to find my voice and a few things that happened after the separation, a friend suggested I start a thing called a blog. I won't lie, I had not clue what that meant. But what the heck, I gave it a whirl. I don't have 4000 readers, or even many subscribers at all, but the few very heartwarming comments I get from the folks who find their way to what I write have kept me going.
It has become my venting spot. My place where I write myself past many a rough patch. And it never ceases to amaze me when I re-read it that I was even the one who penned it to begin with.
The stories behind each subject are real. The words that are shared are not meant to shame, blame or even fix anyone but me. I have found so much healing from being able to put it here and then let it go. I have shared much of the lessons gifted me throughout the last few years...and it takes me a very long time to go back and try to read back through each one. I have never even made it half way, before another lesson has presented itself and it was time to get back to writing my way to wellness once again.
I will say that in the beginning the theme was all about moving past abuse and hurt. It was about finding the voice inside me that says this is enough. I am done with being treated in any way that does not honor me as a child of the universe that I am. I became stronger a paragraph at a time. I faced some serious upset when the musings were shared with someone I had never intended to see them, my ex husband. The following visit he called me some very unflattering things. I simply listened and once he was through let him know that the blog was my space on Myspace and if he didn't like what was written, he surely did not have to read it.
I no longer was concerned about his thoughts of me or even his opinion of what I should or should not be doing. I was through with someone dictating my feelings, manhandling me when I disagreed and most especially the silent treatment when met with disapproval. Being controlled by someone else whether it be through force, coercion or neglect can be a horrible experience. And when pushed an emotional abuser will often become a physical abuser which was my experience.
In my job and as part of my concern for my community I have shared local resources for others who might find themselves in a bad situation. Although I bear much of the responsibility of ending up in a bad marriage, I know that I was not the cause of the abuse. I had delegated my decisions over to someone else and their direction for my life always sent me on a downward spiral. I still have lots of steps to make on my path to wellness, but taking the first one has lead to improvement at a marathon pace.
So over the years of blogging the focus has changed little. It is still my space for sharing the lessons of the day, week or even year. Recently I posted about the top 12 of 12. Some were not new lessons, but apparently I needed a refresher on a few so we got to play with them again. Some were just a review others were a full on semester of quizzes, tests and homework...but I still think I passed.
Now fast forward to yesterday, with several concerns being expressed over my youngest, I have had to bite my tongue a bit because of how we ended up where we are. You see a little over two years ago my baby decided at age 13 he would rather live with his dad. It is true that I could have fought the decision, but I have always taught my kids to think for themselves and understand that they must answer for the choices that they make. I have to be ok with them making mistakes so they can learn. That doesn't mean that we don't still work on discipline and rules, but that was somewhat removed from my list of responsibilities except for every other weekend.
Yesterday the texting started. I was asked for advice. I was given a bit of sideways praise and a little taken by surprise by the conversation. I answered the requests, tried to offer a bit of encouragement and let it alone. To say it was and is not so hard to jump in the car and retrieve my kid would only be a little untrue. I want so much to step in and be the super parent. To give him more of what I feel I gave my other kids. A foundation of rules and self respect. I have lost the bits of anger and fear that even towards the end of my marriage made me a bit crazy in their presence. I have also found that I am not responsible for the whole world or the problems that reside there.
So now I sit here with a day of brooding behind me, a blog post of the unnecessary drama and upset and once again working/writing my way through the lesson. So what exactly is the lesson? My husband and I decided on divorce because we were tired of whatever our relationship had grown into. I believe he was tired of me because I had grown strong enough to not be controlled and manipulated to bend to each of his mis-directions. I believe I was tired of him because my rights, abilities and choices were not respected. That I was held to largely responsible for his happiness and that I no longer felt the urge to try to help him feel anything. I believe I grew past the point of our dysfunction and when I couldn't be dragged back in he found a replacement.
She is a nice enough person, and for the most part they seem ok...although I hear that they struggle with their choices as well. I wish them all the best. I hope that her heart is strong enough for the lessons that will probably come her way unless he has found a way to grow past his. I hope that my son will find his way to his adult self even if that means a repeat of a grade or two in school. His choices are not easy to take, but they are his. The biggest challenge for me now is to not get stuck in feeling like any of this was my doing. I stepped out of the way for the choices that were made and I am working on rebuilding myself in myspace one lesson at a time. Most days I am happy, feeling better and living a life of quality friendships and fun. Some days I am overcome with sad, because I still want to fix everything, even though I know it is not my job or even my passion.
Today is done, lesson written and it may be a low grade, but I am done. I am reminding myself of all that I did well, forgiving myself for things I messed up and allowing others to get their lessons, homework and tests without a cheat sheet from me. My score is not 100---but it does look like the teacher added a smile :-)
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