So if you follow my fan page you know I am on a journey, and like anyone when we start something new, often there will be a tough go of it for awhile.
I am there...living in toughville. I am emotional, tired and a little bit whiny. So being the real person that I am, I share...all the good, tough and icky. To say that I have been in a funk would be a bit of an understatement. But I refuse to go to an all out pitty party depression round. I know better, I haven't visited depression in a very long time.
I also have clues, besides the physical changes and challenges there is some emotional noise too. Some history that has come back to test my resolve. I am firm, I will not be here for very long and even as I type I can tell my writing to wellness is helping.
For some reason just taking time to put the thoughts down and get broken record-recordings out of my head, I can start to move past the moment and the feelings that have reared their ugly head in my days.
Facebook post Wednesday January 23, 2013
Its ok to feel the way you feel--happy-sad-angry-or in a funk. But always remember feelings are not facts and this too shall pass!!
I know the drill. I can work myself through the rough stuff and find my smile. Most of the time it only takes a few hours, but because of the relational drama it is taking a bit longer.
The history is long, 20+ years of thinking less of myself than others. Playing along with the bullies and fulfilling the victim role with award winning performance and finesse. There were hints along the way that others were tired of hearing about my drama. The friend who said "Pam, you know the world doesn't revolve you right?" Or how about the message "Ok, that's enough--you get five minutes on the pitty pot and then you got to get up and give someone else a turn".
It's more common for friends to say now "Wow I cannot believe how fast you worked through your anger" or " Your wisdom and insight into others blows my mind". I can't quote them directly because I didn't ask before I sat down to blog~erapy my way through this one.
I know I still have a ways through this bit of maze, because I have lost my temper a few times with people I love. I immediately apologize, but anger is so not on my regular agenda and hasn't been for years.
As with most moments like this I miss Tim...his lessons were always timely and he had a beautiful way of speaking to my wounded self so I can work my way out. He would share lessons that were his own experience and then find a way for me to relate it to my own story with steps to take to find my path. I miss him...severely during weeks like this. Sure wish I could find a replacement Tim.
I get comments often on things I write, like you are so honest and straightforward. You lay it all out there and are not shy about people knowing all that stuff I keep to myself. It's very flattering, but to be honest it is to help me. I spent the first half of my life being afraid to say what I thought. Fearful that others would thing me crazy, or that they would stop liking me. What I came to realize with the help of my Tim was that if someone changes their opinion of me or my thoughts can change how they feel towards me, they were not quality relationships and more of the temporary nature. And there is nothing wrong with not being friends with everyone. It's actually very healthy.
Another moment that popped up this week was a lie. A person who said I did something to them that was so untrue it was hurtful. I had never even thought of committing what I was accused of, and even worse they began to tell the story to others who I thought were my friends. They chose to believe the story without asking me. And honestly it took me awhile to come to understand that only those who are good at lying are easy to be lied too. Those who know me, and those who matter know that I won't lie to anyone. I work really hard to not say things that might hurt others, but I refuse to lie to create a false moment for anyone.
So there it is...one more blog~erapy session done. Do I feel better? Well I am getting there. Will I smile tomorrow? Undoubtedly at some point my smile will find me. Will I feel this way again? Well I would love to tell you NO, but the truth is feelings leave a mark on our emotional memory similar to a scar. Things that come up can and will trigger those old wounds and the cells will remember and react the pain. It's not a fact, it is a feeling. It doesn't have to change me, but I can change my process to deal with it. There is no one to blame or be angry at. The lessons were necessary and I will continue to grow past the moments that cause me pain. I will hold to the fact that the feelings are nothing more than part of my memory and reaction history and do not have to be a part of my story or even my present.
I hope at some point in your healing you can think back to these words and remember that we never have to let a bad moment, day or week turn into our trend, our story or our belief of what we deserve. We are promised so much more...my trend is headed up, is full of smiles and I am almost there!
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