Total Pageviews

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Standing in my TRUTH

Its a big thing loving people no matter who they are or how they behave. Its a little bit of grace not to retaliate when they strike out to hurt you or tell lies. Its a measure of strength not to tell and scream at someone when they are so wrong it takes your breath... but it is all that I have been given this year. I am blessed for knowing that I do not have to prove that I am right, show that I am smarter or fight for what I believe. I can stand in my truth and allow you to throw whatever you wish in any direction. I do not need to defend my position. I know in my heart that I have committed no crime. There is no wrong for which to apologize. I understand completely my decision to remove you from direct firing distance in my reality and I stand by my decision to do so. So keep kicking up the dust, pouting for attention, and playing the victim. Sooner or later everyone will see when the dust settles and I will still be here standing in my truth. (posted in status on December 2nd-2:27 am)



So I know what I know, the stories are the same each time I tell them, only they are not stories. But the things you tell others change---everytime someone shares something that you have blamed, avoided or pointed in my direction. I know that life is not fair, but sometimes I wonder how much can anyone really be fooled by the trickery. I wait for those moments occassionally...not like really wait, but times and thoughts come when it would be nice if someone knew the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But I know. All of it. Every moment where there was deceit, deflection or doubt. I remember those things I used to write down, so that when it came back up later and was met with denial I could go read what I wrote just after it was said. So I could protect my sanity. I remember the promises, that were never fulfilled, the vows that were broken and the heart that was thrown away.



Even with all that pain in the not so distant past---I am whole, happy and moving forward. I see so many who cling to their anger. The resentment is so big it looms over their head where ever they go. It has even been said that others feel this thing when they come into the room. I used to feel it too, but it was like a million pounds was lifted when it was no longer my responsiblity.



I see that people come into our lives, some for awhile and some hopefully for forever, but it seems most everyone in your life is temporary. And that is ok, there is nothing written that says you cant love things and use people---its just not really cool if you ask me...but hey we live in a free country so go for it.



I love too that those who ask and care to listen to the other side of the story--aka what I share...seem to always say, that makes sense. Because my story is not loosely based on the truth--it is based in reality of the truth.



I have told several of the folks that have applied for positions in my life a few basic rules that I have developed because of you...and by the way I want to thank you for all of them.



Rule #1-my kids don't have to like you but they do have to tolerate you well and not have serious issues about your stability. (besides the normal teenager concerns of step parents or new friends)




Rule #2-you have to meet the majority of my friends and they have to give you a nod, a thumbs up or at least a I think they are ok to hang.




Rule #3-despite what you may think, I need to talk to your ex if you have one---ok, I know this one is weird but I have recently been told that certain topics are not allowed when I am present for fear I might know or be able to visit with certain people---and well I know its cause I am so freakin scary and the crazy ex wife syndrom thing lives here for sure. (ok--thats sarcasm---this is based only in fear that someone will tell your truth, by sharing mine)



Rule #4-you will have to be ok with your family...not that you have to like everyone...cause thats just not ever gonna happen, but you will have to at least be working at enough of an adult level that you can deal with difficult people even if you are related!



Rule #5-Sameness---same job, same house, same friends--minus a few here and there I so get! If your last three addresses all happened in the last 12 months---call Houston because we have a problem. Ok--dont keep the shoes that you have had since 92---that old same can go.




Rule #6-I don't want someone to be with me, I want someone who wants to be with me! I am perfectly ok being alone. Dont really like it, its probably why I stayed married for so long, but Im getting pretty good at living my life solo---well not really Im so damn popular that I am rarely alone. Isnt that weird? You always told me I didnt have any real friends they were all just people who came to use me! WRONG---that was just you, oh and a couple of other people we are both related to...but hey thats ok, I know how to say NO!




Rule #7-All the rules are in place because I was treated so badly by someone I tried to treat like they were my world. Yep-you! I gave up every friend, most of my family and everything I owned more than once because of decisions I allowed you to make. I gave up myself and still came out with just your version of me....which I quickly traded in for the authentic version. The next person in my life will have to make me want to give up my rules...because they wont be necessary.



I have had a few steady friends, but there were just too many of those remind me of him moments that I couldn't committ to see where it would go. I have several where there just wasnt any click---but am still friends with most of them. I have had several after I have told them no have come back for a do-over, but it never really got any better(that ability to see less hope in a hopeless situation is your credit also).



Now here comes the tough part...how am i responsible for this situation? I fell for your lies, believed in someone elses truth and quit listening to my inner voice so I could have what you convinced me that I wanted. How many times did I end up in a fight with you before the committment? How many times did I call it off and now know probably should have saved myself some grief by keeping it off?



This post is starting to sound a little like it is laced with regret when actually it is just the opposite. I see where I could have made other choices, where I could have found an out, and times that would have hurt less. I see that my decisions although lead to an outcome that lead to more tears than anyone should ever have to cry, they also lead me to here. A place where I am strong enough to develop my own opinion about life, truth and myself. A place where liars are quickly found out, manipulaters are detected by my radar and real friends are coveted for the worth they each hold in my life.



I dont regret any of you, but I marvel at the mess your life still is. From where I sit and stand in truth, you are on your own little quest to recapture the same story as before. You have learned nothing, except to find someone who is a bendable as I was some 28 years ago. I have come to understand too, that the reason I trusted the wrong person, was that I had never learned to trust me. I wasnt accepting what was real and red and flapping right in front of my face. I just put on my rose colored whatevers--well actually they were blinders, but the looked cute huh? And I just kept trucking on. I also can attribute the lesson of setting boundaries to this history. I learned that when someone is welcomed into my life, they are on a 10 day pass, then and extened visit and then given a key to my heart. But this key is not a lifetime ownership---locks can be changed whenever someone begins to push my truth and understanding and makes me think of new rules I should write for my life.



I am not perfect...neither is anyone I love...but I so love that you dont have to be, to be in my life. I can love you where you are, enjoy our time for all the fun that if offers and live my life in peace with my rules intact. I know its because no matter rules or no rules, I am standing in truth...MINE!

No comments:

Post a Comment