I often wonder why some folks come and go out of our lives. I can't really recall ever doing something so hurtful that someone would walk away, but go they often do. I struggle sometimes with the exit, but then I remember that when I truely love someone I must always love them unselfishly and allow their pursuit of their path, without drama or angst from me.
This is often easier said than done, because its often painful to be the one left behind. I know that I still hold them in my heart and the love is as strong as ever. But the changes in their behavior and preference for being with me has deminished and away they go. It almost always seems to revolve around some emotion like jealousy or a misunderstanding or even they are angry for one reason or another. But it has been my experience that usually its because I don't feel the need to give them what they are needing from me. In the past relationships were about making others happy, so that I wouldn't be alone. I was so terrified of being alone that I lived in fear of it, and therefore it happened over and over again. But once I conquered that harsh reality and learned that being alone is not has horrible as I had feared, I began to understand that not being everything to everyone was ok. I could say yes or no whenever it suited me, and no matter the outcome, I could make the best decision for me. If one chooses to remove their friendship because I didnt fulfil a quota or requirement, I am not sure that was the right relationship for me anyway.
I try not to remain sad, but to work towards understanding that life is all about change, even if that means that I will no longer have someone I care about in my life daily. This transistion always is difficult to navigate when the calls stop and the texts are few and far between. In the old me life, I would have cried and ached for the part that was missing. I would have had weeks of feeling abandoned and less than worthy of the person who is now gone. And while those are all valid feelings, they have to be temporary. I can never again allow myself to find the depths of sadness that would take away my smile and my spunk for this life.
Do I miss them? Yes, but I refuse to get into the if you loved me game. I will not guilt someone into being in my life. I refuse to allow myself an extended visit into I hate me town. I know that I am far from perfect, but I realize too that those I care about are living out many of the same imperfections. I still manage to hold them in my heart. I understand that loving others is a choice, and whether or not they return the feeling is inconsequential. I chose the loves of my life, the objects of my affection and I chose carefully. I don't limit it because of behaviors or even if they are showing that they love me. The choice to place them in my heart is mine and I accept all the pain that may or may not come along with that decision.
I understand too, that just because I love someone does not mean they are allowed to behave in ways that would damage my heart or my spirit. I can set a boundary with or without notice to protect my heart, but I never chose to stop caring. I have seen person after person who has walked away from me for one reason or another come back into my life. And I accept them with open arms, and a willing heart. I know that each soul in this life has value to me and to others and I appreciate whatever lessons and love they bring into my reality. I also know that the pain of losing others is real, but just as I decide to love openly and without reservation, the pain is mine to handle as well. I am getting pretty good at it actually. Being the receiver of less than perfect love on many occassions has taught me much, but has little to do with how much I love in return.
The hardest of these to understand and learn was tough love. This act of loving those who are desctructive and vindictive is a careful walk on the thinest of tightropes. While I want to be the loving person I believe myself to be, I also have to understand that being someones punching bag not only doesn't prove I love them, it also can be pretty devastating to the emotional state of the one practicing love. Tough love is setting a boundary that limits access of the one who is misfiring their emotional turmoil on an unwilling victim. Being available for support and sending love to those offenders is a lesson hard learned, but has been life affirming also.
I see many who are posting about feeling lonely, and while I can grasp the memory of this sadness, I have learned the most important love lesson...I must first learn to love myself before others can come and love me too. I also know that once I learned to appreciate the person that is me, I no longer experience the lonliness that used to consume me for days, weeks or even longer. I love my life, I practice loving others, even when they are working on being unlovable, and I accept the emotions that come and then let them go, choosing to find actions or opportunities to experience all that this life has to offer. Will I miss you if you go away? Sure...but I won't stop loving you. And I will be ready to
show you that love should you come back to visit or even stay. But I can't make you love me in return, and I am not sure I would do it even if I could. I just love ya--MORE!
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