I am not sure how all the moments that have so quickly moved past me have gotten me to this place, but as I sit this early am and reminisce just a bit---I can get a sketchy idea.
I was so very young when I decided to marry and start a family. I didn't really decide, I just didn't decide not to. I know that is not really clear, but it makes perfect sense to me. When I was younger I pretty much just allowed things to happen, not too unlike present day except I was lost and had no clue what I really wanted. On Thanksgiving, someone asked as we were all sitting around and reminiscing, "why do you think we have kids so young?" Of course I spouted off and said "Because we are too stupid to know any better!". And while my intention was to say that if I had been a smarter person, I would have waited and been more prepared for the awesome challenge of raising children...not that I would change a second of my life. Of course one of my teenagers immediately took offense to the comment and for a milisecond I regreted saying it---but then I decided no-its what I meant. He chose as he often does to take offense to things that I say, and that is his perogitive.
It does not change my intention of the comment though. I wanted to share that I felt ill prepared and afraid at the task of being responsible for molding and directing those little precious lives. I meant that I was still too much of a child to be a good mom. I meant that I had not done a great job at selecting my coparent. I meant lots of things by my comment, but none of which I tried to explain to the kiddo---or others after his comment.
In my previous life---the one that ended with the seperation from my husband, I would have immediately tried to do damage control and made the situation worse and uncomfortable. Instead in my new understanding of living in the moment let his offense lie where it started and moved back to the original conversation. If he had truely wanted to understand my comment he probably would have asked what I meant instead of the poor me response that he shared.
But he is young...actually the same age when I was first a mother--so there ya go! I love each of my kids more than I can explain, but over the last few years I have been the blame for most of the changes and upheaval and I am ok with taking that on. If they need someone to take the fall I will...because Im already up and standing and moving forward and back up from whatever trip it was.
I am sure that most parents have some of the required parental guilt that comes with the HUGE responsibility of raising kids. Or at least I hope Im not the only one. But as I let that moment go---and now have added the incident to my blog~erapy, I am never going to revisit this moment he chose to take offense to. Instead I am going to take joy in the fact that two of my kids are now living proof that I didn't have an epic fail at parenting. They are both great moms. Four of the five are gainfully employed and are now or will be again soon working on college degrees. They are also for the most part financing and paying for their educations with little help from me. I am on a few loans--and grant applications...but financially they are carrying the load.
I didn't do so great on the exam--I took lots of things too seriously or literally. I was often at odds with someone and felt defensive most of the time. I felt like the answers that I gave were being graded subjectively---and based on others opinions instead of facts. I felt judged and unappreciated. I now know that it was because I was too judgemental and defensive. I had my bearings off and was not sure of where I was going. My feelings were clouding each situation and I was unsure of my answers. I failed the exam---but the lessons learned were put to practical use and now I get to retest. I am often amazed when my words come flying out of one of the kids mouths and it actually is appropriate to the situation and sounds pretty good from where I am standing. They seem a bit surprised that they have said it, and a bit bewildered at their insight...but I just smile.
I remember times when the consequences seemed severe...but it stopped the negative behavior. I have glimpses of times when they were so angry at me for enforcing the rules, but the issues involved were not repeated. I have only had one of my kids thank me for their upbringing in words. I will forever remember how that felt...because I would have never guessed she felt that way.
So now as I take my final exam, and the last teenager moves toward his adulthood, there are only a few questions left to answer.
Would you do anything different? In theory probably I would have been less strict---but I can't take any of it back because they are such great kids.
Would you do it again? A million times---it was the most amazing and wonderful thing to bring five such amazing people into this world and have them raise me to be an ok parent.
What advice would you give them? None--just hints and tips that I learned on how to deal with a terrible twos, potty training and tricks to helping them get well when sick. No advice--they learned all they needed to, and will figure the rest out just like I did.
I really don't like taking tests, especially when i didn't know there would be a quiz. I don't really like those moments of doubt and fear that were so prevelant when I was raising the fab5. But I am so grateful to know that even though I didn't ace the test, they turned out ok anyway. I really don't have any regrets...I still hate the tests...but Im grateful that the lessons were not lost.
No comments:
Post a Comment