Feelings are not facts....

(this was a post on my friend Angie's post a few days ago--so got me to thinking about what is going on in my life right now)



I'm not sure I completely understand everything about the feelings that come and go through my days, but I am closer than I could have ever imagined at managing the ups and downs.



I understand that there are always going to be those times when the past life of insecurity and pain clouds a time of my day if not a whole one from time to time. Those old feelings of not feeling good enough, and not secure in my person are uncomfortable. They bring a sadness that although I cannot forget, its so hard sometimes to remember. The fact that I may allow others to take away those times of sureness that I was meant to be here, meant to be happy and loved beyond belief, I can barely fathom. Not only does it confound me, it boggles the mind that those who find their way into our lives and are given a part of our heart, would then think its acceptable at any minute to tear any piece of that confidence away.




But in the living of life with those like ourselves who are not only imperfect, but often do not understand or care to understand that their choices can affect everyone around them, there are bound to be emotions that then move us to make choices about our involvement with them. I have had moments where the emotions not only color my present moment, they remind me of times when it felt as if I would never feel any relief.




I hate those times, but that brings me to the reason for my blog~erapy today. I love so much of what is in my life, and I completely understand that things, situations and people who bring up those old emotions are simply here to remind me of the things I DON'T want in my reality, but that doesn't make those emotions and feelings that they bring up any less real. So the question comes up--how do I know that they are old emotions/feelings? Because the feeling that I am less than I know that I am is of the past, the emotion of sadness that brings tears to my eyes without any real loss to be dealing with in this present, can only be of those times that I have worked so hard to put behind me. I have come to understand that I create my life, and since that discovery, I would never create those feelings for myself ever again. Not only that, but there is no thing that is going on that would validate the emotions of this day. Why does it happen? Not really sure...it must be an emotional memory that something has triggered. It more than likely is related to someone in my life that needs to be given distance because their actions are causing someone I care about harm. It could be that some relational drama has drug up some part of my history that still needs to be dealt with---and put to rest once and for all.



There really is no way to know for sure and kind of crazy that there can even be emotions and feelings that can't be directly labled to the thing that creates them. But I find that it is true for me from time to time. But the most wonderful thing about my life today and the old life as I like to call it, is that it only takes a decision by me to move past those old emotions and get headed back to the new life.



Within just a few hours of the feelings that even brought on this session of writing to recovery, I was feeling better and spending time with people who validate my intentions and share their smiles with me. I know where most of these feelings are dragging up from. I now understand also those people who are responsible for hitting those triggers. Only thing left to is to make a decision as to whether those who are causing the harm and drama are allowed to stay or if they are removed until they can play nicer.




I also have been reminded with the wisdom of a very dear friend, that if you love someone, you agree to love all of them. And while this is completely true, there has to be some boundaries and decisons on what behavior is acceptable. Not only that, I have removed a few from the inner circle over the last few years, due to similar acts and harm created towards others, and I don't like them any less. I just have to make sure that my right to be happy and my decisions on what is acceptable is honored. I can allow you to behave however you choose, but when your choices cause harm and bad feelings its time to put a little distance and see if we can both move forward. I have never stopped caring about anyone who has graced my life, but I know a bad decision when I see it, and those who would use people and love things are living a lifestyle that just does not sit well with me. I also maintain that someone who truely is working towards love for me or others would not intentionally set out to create drama and cause the hurt that I am reacting to.



I don't even have to be right, I only have to feel that the presence of someone who is lugging around drama and directing some if towards me or anyone I love...well its time to push 'em back just far enough to get some clarity.



It doesn't have to mean that I am turning my back on them, nor does it mean that they have to change. If someone is happy with their life full of drama and people stepping back because they do not want to be hurt then I wish them well. By all means you are always allowed to live your life as you see fit! But you know what, so am I!



I find it unacceptable to allow you to hurt anyone I care about. I find it outside of right if you are lying, cheating or abusing someone elses generosity. I hate those actions, not necessarily the actor. But I just wonder why someone would think that having a point in the win column is a good thing when so many others who lost, were the reason we were able to even play the game.



At the end of each time when the emotions or feelings are bringing up the past, I can make a decision to remember that feelings are not facts. Emotions are those signals that something is completely right or horribly wrong. And since those two are just chemical reactions in our mind and body, we can turn towards those things that are facts to dismiss the other.



FACT 1-I love my life, and each decision I make is moving me closer to the reality that is all about my happiness.



FACT 2-No one can take advantage of me or make me feel less than worthy without my permission.



FACT 3-I have so many things to be grateful for...things, people, meaningful work, smiles, love.



FACT 4-Moving someone back to distance myself from the harm that they are causing is not a violation to them or thier rights. It is an act of love that honors myself and creates more calm and happiness in my future.




FACT 5-Feelings and emotions are the hearts way of signaling that something is right or wrong. If it is a good feeling we should want and work for more. If it is a bad feeling we need to recognize the trigger and take the necessary steps to unload that gun.





We are meant to feel joy, love and excitement at each milestone of our lives. The bad emotions are not just happening to us, they are there to let us know that we have allowed something to be in our lives that is unacceptable to our hearts. I love the good stuff, and even though I had to go through some of the bad stuff to get here, is is completely my decision to ever or never go there again. There are enough real things that happen in life that can bring us sadness, but that emotion is due to a real loss, not a created harm from someone who either doesnt know how to love or is just doing it very badly.



Feelings are not facts, but it is a fact that I am feeling better and better about life...and

Enjoy your minutes and don't live out in front of or behind your life!!

Facebook Post -1/29/2011



I know you have heard all the words of wisdom about living in the moment...but I thought I would share my perspective. I had a former life, one that was filled with worry, regrets, anger and fear. Worry and fear are about living in or being afraid of your future. Anger and regrets are tying yourself to the past. I was so out of my present for most of my previous life that I was sad or miserable most of the time. I had allowed my life to be guided by someone elses desires and moral compass...and to say we were lost most of the time would have been an understatement. It was tough. Sometimes the worries were so big they consumed me, and most of the time they were real...where were we going to live, how long would the employment last, am I going to be able to buy groceries, will the kids get new school clothes and what about Christmas?

The concerns never seemed to stop. It wasnt because life had to be hard, its just that someone had made it that way, and I did not know how to go back and fix it. I worried not only about tomorrow, but next week, the light bill, the next birthday...sometimes even the next meal. Becuase of the choices in my life, it felt as though I had no control, so there was nothing left to do but worry, fear, regret or be angry. I was lost and did not know how to find my way to here.

It was a pretty scary way to live. But in reality when it was all said and done, not one minute of those spent worrying ever helped a thing. I just could not get a handle on all those crazy things that were going on and affecting our stability. I have always been a bit hardheaded, and my committments mean something to me. So when I said I do, I didnt think it was ok to say now I dont. I kept trying and trying and trying, until one day when the schemes and the not so legal wranglings became too much. I had finally found a way to get my family home...close to my family and when the " hey we should move's" began, I said no! Move all you like, but as far as I am concerned...this is where I will be.

That was both the beginning of the end and the beginning of the do-over. And to be honest although the path has been rough at times and I have sometimes cried myself to sleep over the changes, I have not regretted the last act of the play.

Now fast forward to today, there are no more crisis moments. There are no more waiting on those phone calls from people who felt like they had been cheated and were out to get even. There are no more dramas at all. It is life, with ups and downs and smiles and tears....but not a moment of it do I regret.

And life is so great now, people come into my life and they stay. They play and share and laugh and care. Sometimes we cry and work and do crazy things we just wont mention here. But at the end of the day---the only storms brewing are those stirred up by people I dont rely on. They are drama centered just as I used to be and until they decide as I did or even if they never do, their life is going to always look like a mess.

I have been called out on the drama comments more than once, and often you can hear me explaining the difference between real life and drama. So here goes just for the record, one more time....Life is full of ups and downs, or as one of my former bosses used to tell me opportunities to problem solve and create an answer. Drama is when you let your emotional connection to whatever is going on in your life spill onto everyone else and you emotional play act until someone else solves the problem or it self corrects and life moves on. There is a movement of life...it is forever pushing us to the next opportunity...to do with it what we will. Life is the play, the drama is our emotional reaction to it. I never have really found that drama or worry did anything for me other than push some pretty amazing people that I cared about away, or self perpetuate itself to the next drama.

I also believe that we call into our life what we want to experience. We are seeking a new job, love or adventure...resumes dont just send themselves out, dates arent being set for us, tickets to the bahamas dont just appear...and if they do I think I have been cheated a little...im just sayin!

We are drawn and hold close those people who have something we admire. Their smile, honesty or they are just great to look at. We can be, do and have anything we want, if we have a belief that it can be so and we are not busy using our creative skills to create just empty dramas for entertainments or attentions sake.

I dont know where I found my drama queen or even understand how I let her take over in that old life, but boy when I got her pegged, we began working towards her retirement at lightening speed. I don't miss her much, sometimes when I am watching some of the really good ones play act around me, I miss her....and I have been known on occassion to let her come out and play if only for a moment or two. She was a very entertaining personality. But she just wasnt the real me...she was all drama, all the time.

I love that I have found myself, my confidence and my heart. I love that when I speak to friends new or old that it is my voice and story they hear. I love that when I create a solution to a problem that it is done. I love that I no longer have to depend on any others dramas to damage my life. I love too that the decisions that I make today are mostly good ones, once correcting the craziness, most things just work themselves out, I learn from the answers and get better at seeing that no problem comes without answers. I really think that is what they were trying to teach in algebra---not so much math as problem solving.

I know that I havent got it any better or worse then anyone else. But I dont measure my life by your successes anyway. You are creating your reality just the same as I. It would be silly for me to be jealous of what you have created for yourself or even crazier if I wanted all that you have. Your life is yours and I love that you are making it something wonderful and that you invite me to share in it. But I dont want yours...I want what is meant for me.
I am happy almost 24/7/365---and on those rare occasions that I let someone get me off course it only helps me more clearly define those things and people I want in my life. Each time these blog-notes get written I smile a little more...because the thoughts are real and in black and white. Not only can I go back a read them...it helps me understand that I dont move backwards. The progress I have made is mint to keep forever. I may go back and play in worry and drama for a minute, but that doesnt make me have to go back to that life...only helps me remember why I wont go back. I appreciate so much also those who read the lessons and get out of it something that helps them. And if not helping them, gives them a view of me that they can relate to. It never ceases to amaze me those who stop me in WalMart or work or where ever we happen to be and mention what I write. I love that you get something out of my blog~erapy, because this little gift to myself helps me more and more everyday.

I dont even post all of them...sometimes the reality of what I write calls someone out. Sometimes it would not serve a purpose other than be a jab to them...and that is never my intention. Although sometimes it might be due course to give them a good swift kick. My intentions are only to help and to never harm anyone with my words or my actions...just make sure you are respecting that intention when you impact those I care about... and in case you are missing that...you are someone I care about. Dont do anything that negatively impacts you either.

We can prepave and have good feelings toward our future, choosing a life that is drama free, but when we live there in tomorrow or worry...thinking that the only way we are happy is for the story to end in a certian way, the relationship to go the perfect distance, or the party to never end....we are stuck in never.


We never live in tomorrow only in the minute we are in.


ok---no more...Im out !

Sometimes its just hard being me...

.by Pamela Smith Masters on Tuesday, February 8, 2011 at 11:05am.


I can remember a time when I did not understand life, I was full of drama, everything was a crisis and it seemed like I was forever alone. Even when there were other people in the room, I felt so alone. It's a long journey to here and I have some amazing people to thank for my coming into myself. But even today, because of my life choices, I sometimes still feel alone, but I am ok with that.




I don't do the people pleasing thing at all...and sometimes this gets me labeled as harsh...but you know, those who were strong enough to hit me with the truth with both barrels, not only saved me but they made my life what it is. I am forever grateful for their in my face reality check. Because before turning down this road I am on, I was so clueless and I didn't really like me. First it was Tim...gosh I miss him, he left this life for his celestial discharge last year. But his life lessons that he gifted to me have meant more than anyone will ever know...he literally gave me my second life. (I know mom gave the first). And then there is my Bridge---you will not ever meet anyone more generous with brutal honesty...but it was so much a gift to me. I tease a little because the gifts of healing, grace and kindness she showed me at a very low point in my life were more meaningful that most every gift I have ever been given. Through their sharing of their life lessons I have learned what love is, and what it means to love unconditionally. I have learned that love of oneself is the only way to love others. I have learned that loving does not mean ownership nor dose it diminish the responsibility of that love.





but I digress...back to the original thought...This real and harsh truth of life as I see it is this...its what I make of it. There are so many of the old cliches that apply and a person on a journey can spend a crazy amount of time tearing the words apart and finding meaning...but in the end its what they mean to me that matters. Like the quote "Love means never having to say you are sorry", I know several people who think this means that if someone loves me then when I screw up I don't have to say I'm sorry---they should just know. I have a little different take---when you love someone, doing something that would cause them harm, change how they feel about you or forever take away from their joy is something you just can't do...so you would never have to say sorry.



I could pick apart so many of them, but in truth when I set about my 13 year journey to myself, I listened differently. I learned to hear what people mean--not just what they are saying. I learned to pick up on those who were just good at using others words for deflection and games. It's not always fun---but I cannot even think about going back to the life before. There is a part of the self that can get caught up in the drama, the game of saying things to get others attention and well in my opinion just behaving like a teenager. But the freedom of not having to keep up with what story I told you or the version that I shared with someone else, means that I am able to find joy in almost every moment. I would never trade this for that older version of life....I wouldn't even know how to go back.



But this brings me to the part of my self that others think is one of two things...they either appreciate it because it is so true, or they hate it because it is so true. If you are working towards living an authentic life, you have been blessed with the inate understanding that you are a piece of God and worthy of all the joys and gifts of this journey or someone has slapped you upside the head so you could understand it(what happeed to me) then you already know what I am talking about. If you haven't, then by all means bring your drama over and sit by me...and just ask me to tell you the truth. I may ask if you you are sure you want the truth, but I will be happy to share my understanding. Because I know what is on the other side. I think we probably all come into ourselves in a different way, some are able to be moving along the path without any other input needed, they have an inate knowing and honesty that I was not blessed with...I had to go down the bumpy road to find all that makes me smile today. Some do it with their church, or religion, some do it with their cause and some have to have medical attention and support...it doesnt matter...and its not even required, but as far as I am concerned it is the only way to live.



I have been beating myself up a little lately, because sometimes when I try to help, the part of me that is all about the tough love and this is what I hear you really saying, can certainly piss someone off. But like I said I can't go back. I can't tell you everything is going to be fine, that it doesnt matter what you do, you can just keep hurting people I care about. I can't let you off the hook that easy.




Here is the truth of it as I see it. You get some blame cards when you are a kid...its my parents fault, its my teachers fault, its my whoevers fault...but they all expire when you turn 18. What ever you get out of this life, whatever bumps in your road, whatever drama you find is because of you. Please don't hate me cause Im honest, but its true. Nothing in this life is just happening to you. If you could just see it the way it was put to me, I would hope the clouds would lift for you as they did me. I can still remember the first day after my drama decades that I actually saw the sun...not the dang its too bright and hurting my eyes sun...but my sun. The glorious orb that lights my days and glows in my moon sun. The solar power that sometimes I just sit in its warmth because its mine sun. You have a choice at every minute of your life to see the good, really in every second and its all about your choices. You can contribute a piece of yourself to each place you find yourself in. You have a story, you have a joy, you have a light in you that was meant to be a part of this world. You can choose to be sad that someone has left your life or you can be happy for the time they were a part of it. You can be sad that your plate is empty or be grateful for the meal that just filled you up. It's your decision in each second of your life. You can be grateful that you have another Monday to start a great week, or you can be sad it's Monday and your weekend is over. You can be sad or happy at any second and it's all your choice.




I am getting older and whille I see the years on my face, I dont really feel them anymore. I dont regret the changes in my body that come with age or with the bearing of my children. I do however have a hate for the gray hair...and Ms. Clairol is still my best friend. But I dont have any other regrets....except...no wait--nope not that either.






I love every person that has graced my life. Every single one. It's not a small thing loving someone that you by all rights and history should hate. But when you do...when you find that grace that allows you to be grateful for what they gave you no matter what that is, you release yourself. But you gotta know you invited them in to play...you allowed them to share you moments whether they were short or years...you made that choice. Hate and discontent for someone else only imprisons the one holding the hate.



Recently my all too honest approach to life spilled out onto someone else, because I wanted to help. But sometimes, someone can be stuck and think and behave as if they are at an age when they still have some of those blame cards. Maybe they can't see the expiration date, or they just don't want to. Either way they are sure that their life's misery is someone elses fault. I'm sorry to tell you it aint so. I think we spend way too much money and way too much time trying to find happiness, purchase it or even just rent it for a time. But it costs nothing to have happiness...you simply choose it. If you think I am wrong, try this--the next time you feel that bit of anger or disappointment creeping over your sunlight...stop! Evaluate the situation--try really hard to find one aspect of it to label as good. I double dog dare you! Then tell me you didn't feel better!



I have been homeless, and had to rely on friends to support me while I found my legs. I have been devasted beyond belief because of the actions of others, I have been places I never have to or want to go again...but I went there. I chose to turn down that road or allowed someone else to drive me. When you take personal responsibility for your life, you also get the keys to the car to drive from here. Your choices today will shape your tomorrows. Your honesty in this second will shape how everything in your life is true. When you set about being honest with yourself, no one can ever lie to you again. You will see their lies instantly and they will see that you see them. Sooner or later the lies will stop--or you just won't be able to hear them anymore. I never knew that being honest with myself would also give me a virtual lie detector...its a little creepy really, to know its not true even if the other person doesn't. It also saves you so much more drama in the future.



I hope that I am just preaching to the choir, I hope that most of those I know have this understanding and they are just standing on their chairs and cheering because I finally get it...but if not, I hope they figure it out soon. I don't have to have anything to be happy, in fact to best understand this you only have to look at those who have less than you do. Do you think that they don't have joy because they don't have the perfect house, or job or car---well some might be sad because they don't have those things...but the ones who are living their lives and have found out that they have the same minutes you and I do to LIVE this life are smiling. We are not human-havings we are human-beings. Find something in your day that you can label as your joy. If its not your job then its for the time you are not at your job. If its your kids...have more kids or play with others kids. If its your pets then do more with your pets...if its your sun...then just be in the sun. Find the being that you are and share your joy with yourself. Don't hide it in the next thing you will own or time you will spend....put it in your pocket and use it up in every second. No matter the place you have driven yourself too...own it, find joy in it and live--or be who you were meant to be. But most importantly don't do things to those you love expecting forgiveness to be your eraser. You can never remove scars completely, and if you think of your decisions like you are throwing knives and that when you aim at someone else you might just hit them....then maybe you can see that every decision has consequences. And if your decisions have this effect, just know that everyones decisions that involve you can leave the same scars. Even more importantly your decisions--even the small ones can leave a scar on you too!



I love you...each and everyone of you. I love that you are a part of my life whether you read what I write or not. I love that you are so good at sharing your joy or sadness, either way it helps me. I also want to say something else, I believe that you don't have to get any lessons out of life. You can just live. I do not sit in judgement of others choices...but please if you are happy being miserable then dont tell me you want help to be happy...cause I take all requests as serious. I just gotta learn to say no more...so no more today! I am headed out to feel my sun, find my joy and share with everyone who graces my life today. Hope I see you!

All that glitters is not glitter

Ok, its a strange title, I admit, but when I tried the first couple of times to come up with a title for this one I just couldn't make any of the cliches work. But what I mean by the title is that sometimes when we think of something being what it is, it turns out that it is really something else. I know they say that if something quacks like a duck...well anyway sometimes its a messed up goose.




I have amazing friends....they don't really know what I think of them, although I have written things to try and let them know, I dont think they really do. The past is full of disappointments and changes that seemed to run me over just like a runaway bus...but somehow someway I managed to keep my kids together, safe and with their underwear at least in close vicinity of where they were sleeping. I didnt always have the support of everyone in my life, but I have come to understand how that was my own fault. I was still learning what it meant to be a great friend...so I didn't always do right by the ones I had. So now when those real friends come along I not only recognize them for the gift that they share, I smile and watch as they add glitter to my life. Are they perfect friends? Not even close, but thats what makes them more mine, because Im not perfect either.





I had lots of growning up yet to do even just a few years ago, and still made mistakes even then that hurt people I care about. At this point all I can do is say I am sorry, and I hope everyday that I have done that enough. But I heard once that you have to apologize for wrongdoings until the other person no longer feels the pain of the hurt you caused. And even then sometimes the relationship can never be mended to its original state. It often can be rebuilt and occassionaly can be as strong as before, but it will never be the way it was before the damage. Its similar to a car wreck, you can fix the dings, replace parts, and repaint but the car will never be as it was before...NEVER. But the best way to say you are sorry and to show that you mean it, is by never committing the act that causes the damage in the first place. I think often when someone says that "love means never having to say you are sorry," they are missing the intention of the quote. When you love someone, you don't do things to damage their heart, change the way they feel about you or create drama in their life.



Not too long ago a person who many of our Friend-Pack care about set about living her life as she saw fit and when the results of her actions changed some of those relationships, she seemed well just stupified by the outcome. I cannot believe someone can get to our age and be so clueless but apparently it happens. This person outed some grievances out loud for all those on her list to see, and many of us knew instantly it was directed at one person. I stood up for what I thought was right then and was quickly deleted from her list. I did not suffer grave emotional harm at this choice, because I believed that the harm caused by her public outburst of anger towards people who not only did not deserve it, was just wrong. And I do not need people in my life who see me as disposable. I became as throw away to her as the paper napkin you get at Taco Bell. Most never even give it a second thought to toss those, cause you know you are gonna get 20 more the next time you go through the drive through.




The aforementioned person had began a relationship that not only did not honor her, but was also with someone who set about alienating and isolating her from everyone she said she cared about. To this day I do not socialize with her ex-fiance, because I dont like him, and while I dont really think of myself as rude, his actions were just too far out of what is acceptable to me for us to ever be more than acqaintences. Once her little honeymoon with this person was over, she bagan to reach out to all of us again and ask for help. One of those who stood up for her and let her MOVE into her home was the original target of the call out on facebook. To say I was surprised at this kind gesture by my friend is not completely accurate, I know that she is not only one of the most generouse spirited persons I know, but even when I was having trouble getting past this past history, she simply said, she needs help, and I didnt want to know that her and her kids might be sleeping in the streets.



I spoke out at the outset of the first outburst and mentioned a couple of times that I did not think it was a great idea for this cohabitation to take place, but to be blunt it was really none of my business. But the original now almost forgotten outbursts that had gotten me deleted in the first go round, included my sincere belief that some apologies were owed to put the past in the past. To my knowledge that has never happened...and on one occassion this little whacky quacking goose has told me that she didnt have anything to apologize for. I did allow a re-friending, but without the necessary steps to mending the fences, this person is not really my friend, but simply a freind of some of my friends...or at least I thought she was.




Come to find out that since moving into my BFF's home, she has never shown any appreciation although BFF is supporting her and her two kids 100%--well her and her sister are sharing the support. There has been job hunting, and other activities, some of which would have been enough for me to send her packing, but no job. Hmmmmm, ok, but yet still not alot of gratitude or appreciation shown for the grace the first person she attacked months ago. So you are in someones home with your two kids, living with all the conveniences that, that implies...food, water, laundry, indoor plumbing, furniture, etc, etc, etc....and you are not working--oh and you are invited to most outings where it is an open event. Your kids are provided with transportation to and from school, video games as well as all the other perks that this persons work and funds are providing. But the rest of the days...you are just in someone elses home. On the computer, using their internet, eating...sleeping, bringing guys over. Well anyway, thats alot of hours, to be doing nothing...so Im thinking if this were me, I would be so indebted to this person, that dinner would be on the table when she got home, her house would be clean...laundry done...something to use my day and at least make some sort of gesture of my appreciation...um ==nope not been happening.




So if you are to this point of the story, you may be having a little trouble following. My BFF has not only taken this friend and her kids in, she has been helping others in her circle as well, and all this while she herself had lost a job and was trying to keep afloat financially. Also since all the changes that have gone on in her home, she had come to a decision that she really wanted to be closer to her kids and grands. And while this makes me sad, because it will mean she is further away from me, I totally understand and support her decision, even more these days because many of my kids and one grand now live almost an hour away. Its hard--I love my friends and my kids and grand that are here...but missing the others sometimes is more than I can bare.




So I find out today that the moving in/whacky quacking goose has once again began her poor me posts on facebook. Saying she is blindsided by the move of my BFF--REALLY? SEIOUSLY? BLINDSIDED???? Ummm its been months since you moved in, its been months since she has told EVERYONE--including you that she was looking for a house to be closer to her kids?? REALLY?? Well like I said its a goose quacker!!




I am not only angry again at this poor me, cant take care of myself whining binge, but I am upset that once again the facebook posts or other means of communications between friends have been directed at some people that I care about. This is not even giving half of the story, there are so many more points for the defense, (I should have been a lawyer) and so many more reasons why the old saying is true, "you can't help someone who refuses to help themselves."




I hear comments like why was I left out, how come no one invited me, and then out and out lies about things that were not really even being said. Changes in direction on a dime as long as the change suited her, and no matter what the story was 10 minutes ago. I have watched this person use her looks and charm to win guy after guy and then as soon as she was done playing, here comes the old--Im just not ready for a relationship line, to brush him off. And these are nice guys too...not like the one that none of us liked...NICE


I am so about to give her an ear full...but then I remember, how successful my attempt to get her up to speed was last time....UMMM DELETED!! There are others who came to BFF's defense, and they too were on the outs until they made the decision to try to rebuild the bridge. I was there on one occassion and within seconds of the actions of my friend towards this member of our gang...I was told "She just apologized to me" I said, no she didnt, what she said was lets put the past behind us...and she did it for me and for the other person that had been previously attacked. The next phrase out of the quackers mouth was the sum it all up winner hands down....she quacked at me "Well I dont have anything to apologize for!" Wow, just WOW!!!



I am frustrated by this person, and still do not have the first incling as to what I can do to help...because last time it was not successful. I was deleted. I was thrown away and all i had done was give her some honesty. It was a slap in the face, but I have been known to tell people like it is, and its never easy when its someone you care about....but even less easy when its someone you dont care about....because its my minutes Im wasting, its my life time that she is using up and well I know whats coming for all of us...its taco bell paper napkin time...deleted!!!



Let me just say this...no relationship is all about me or you, Im not 100% wrong and you are not 100% right...but for it to be a worthy endeavor you need to be at least batting close to 50-60% of the time. You should be moving forward and not creating issues where there are none needed. You should always be the one who unerstands when an apology is needed and when you have apologized enough---if there is even ever enough apologizing!! And if for heavens sake you find yourself dependant on someone else please, please, please see it for the grace that it is. They are being an earth angel for you!!



Tonight the postings started again on facebook...poor me, nobody likes me, why cant i get a clue...whah whah whah....so I fired back with "why do you think that is?" That lead to almost an 3 hours of back and forth on texting...and still I dont think she gets it. But you know what, she doesnt have to. She is under no obligation to get a clue. She can continue to live her life as she always has and get what shes always got. Whats the most amazing part is that if you just listen to her words, you can hear what she really thinks. She feels like she is being judged for a mistake--not that she is feeling the ramifications of how she is hurting others. She feels like she has to pretend to be something else, but we all know exactly who she is. She wants people to just move past things, but she has never forgiven herself or anyone else. She still thinks that her hard luck is about trusting the wrong person, I maintian that she isnt trusting the right one...herself.



This could go on all night...and in fact it almost has, until she asked the question-"in your opinoin what should I do?" Well I told her---and the text stopped. DEAD in their tracks. Too funny that we are still right where we were 3 hours ago and funny that I am ok with that. I have no investment in the outcome...she asked a question, I shared what I believe. I have noticed sometimes lately that some folks misunderstand what I write, but I think really they are just reading through a filter that I no longer have. Kinda like the rose colored glasses that are in an old country song. We each see, read, experience things through our own filter. And our filter is a culmination of the many parts of our lives that have helped to shape our feelings and beliefs. But if I have learned nothing else I am most grateful for the lesson of knowing that feelings are not facts and beliefs are simply thoughts that we keep thinking. We choose to think them or not. I have been known to ask people why they believe one thing or another, and most of the time I get the answer I dont know, or I just do. I am not really sure either of those are valid reasons to hold to a belief.



So now I sit here with my blog~erapy almost finished and I am faced with a dilema. Do I post it and let the cards fall where they may, or do I hold it for a day or two to see if she was sincere when she said she wanted help? Do I really want to start down the road of being life coach for someone who has not even learned whether she is a duck or a goose? The answers are not always easy to hear and I probably overloaded her with stuff she is so not ready to hear...and thats ok. When the student is ready the teacher will appear. I know there were moments after my teacher showed up that I could have no more believed that my life had ended up where it had under my own direction than I could have flown...but he didnt give up on me. And I dont think I will either. I am not going to give her fluff and stuff, but I will give her some things to think about.



Can the relationships that have been hurt be repaired? Sure, those who are hurting have been hurt before, and probably will be again. Will they give her more chances to prove what they already know? Yeah, probably so...but thats ok. We never get it all done and we never get it wrong...we just get it or we don't. Things that sparkle in this world are everywhere, catching our attention, but sometimes as we get closer, it was a piece of something else and not glitter and all....doesnt mean that we cant enjoy it while it sparkles or miss it when its gone...



i just want to say for the record that I like parts of this person, I love the potential that she has to be a valid part of our friends group, but I'm not really sure of her motives at this point. When someone is hurt, they begin looking for validation and solutions or they look for someone to blame. What it seems like is happening here is someone trying to stack the friends in her corner...and many of us who have been hurt by her actions are worried for those who have yet to have their trust damaged. Our path from here is not yet clear, but I hope that as we move forward that we can get everyone at least quacking where it sounds somewhat like we are all ducks.

I love my life, I love my friends....I love being deleted!

So several months ago, there were several folks that were just on a kick of posting things that were indirectly directly aimed at some people on facebook. There was a drama at their employment, an ex husband, another kind of ex, and ex employer and well just lots of stuff that could not ever get headed in a good direction. And while most of the time I do a pretty good job of speaking my mind and being upfront...when I tried to talk to those involved, my calls were not answered or returned and emails were not effective either. So I just put on the brakes and began trying to not be all twisted up when it came to their stuff, cause after all it was their stuff. Please note that I do not profess to always be positive and upbeat...I have my days, but I usually gage my posts by what I like to read...and if I start reading my stuff and it sounds iffy, I just delete...LOL!


I had had words with a couple of them and tried to explain myself and was pretty blunt and to the point with one, because the stuff that was going on where they were concerned was just wrong. I kept seeing the stuff and the posts and the hate and the negativity until one day someone posted how deleting some people from their friends had made them like facebook again.


So I put on my big girl panties and swept up a few messes, although I did not clean house or go on a gosh I hate the color of your hair, or you get all the cute guys, or even you are friends with people I really dont like housecleaning....I just took out some unecessary stuff.


It was only a couple of days later until I got a message that said, "hey something must be wrong I cant see what you are posting" and then a few days later facebook came out with an app that lets you see who deleted you. Well as the old joke goes thats when the fight started. I got a lengthy accusatory email that stopped short of hateful, but did mention a few adjectives that were not pleasant to hear. I waited a few days before I replied, but I was careful with the words that I chose. I shared with this person that while I cared deeply about her and still wanted to consider her a friend, there were just some issues I was having a hard time getting past, and because it had been about 5 months since I had last tried to call and talk about the problems then, and my calls and messages went unanswered, I felt like our lives had probably gone different directions and maybe it was time to just let it go. I also shared a bit about those decisions to distance myself back when I couldnt get her to answer the phone...but I was standing by my decision and I wished her well.


I have always felt that no one really owes me an explanation about anything in their life, but likewise I do not feel I should have to explain myself either. I stand by what I decided to do, and watched as some people who were removed set about trying to stack the cards against me. There were comments made to people at work and drama that was put out there...but in the end I just became more sure I had decided what was best for me.


It always saddens me that when you try to explain, even when no explanation is owed, it almost always turns into a name calling yeah but you session. I simply was not about to go there. The following email was worse and did not stop short of anything ugly. I was called two faced, a user and a few other choice things that well just made me sad. My opinion of her as a person had not changed until then. I simply felt that we were not on the same page as before and that some things that she felt were acceptable were a little to the right or left of center for me. Thats all! No hate, no drama, just time to be a little further away from their direction.


And let me just say this...I was not totally clueless to these negative traits, in fact some conversations that I had previously shared with all of those who no longer sit on my facebook, were all about the people they too had removed from their lives for this injustice or that crime or even because they were being friends with someone they didnt like. Im sure that there were many victims of this same song second verse lifestyle. To me that all shows a lack of character...if you profess to be my friend, and you are truely good at being a friend, many of the issues that you dismiss others for in your life are not really delete worthy. Conversation starters yes, but removal grounds not so much. And to be fair to me....ahem, even some who have deleted me from time to time have been added back. The situation that lead to their being angry enough with me to take me out of their rotation, was just more of the same. I dont profess to have a clue how anyone should live their life, but you start doing damage in mine or in the life of someone I care about...well then its just gonna have to be told.


I still don't hate, and at times have wished we could have the conversation that had the opportunity to be healing back when it went south. But as I watch from time to time how others who were involved act and hear bits and pieces about things that they have said, I am somewhat relieved that it ended the way it did. I have to live by the guidelines and principles that matter to me. I have to honor what your choices are, but when your decisions always land you on the negative side....I kinda just gotta let you go there alone. I lived that life...for a long time. I know where it ends up. I know the consequences...so Im gonna say pass, or fold or im out...but I just cant go there ever again.


If either or at least two of those who were deleted ever wanted to have a conversation that could be about healing and leave out the name calling and blame, I would so entertain that option. But just know that when someone who is that determined to be mad and call names instead of being open to understanding, any chances of that opportunity presenting itself are slim and none. Im ok with that, still a little sad at the loss, but not really missing what is gone from my life, just missing the parts of that person that made us friends to begin with. And while I could go all out and tell you all kinds of reasons why I made my decision, it would be just more drama. I dont take removing someone from my life lightly. I consider the end results, what will be taken away. I also consider how I might make this relationship work, to salvage the good part. Even after all those years of being emotional damaged by someone I loved and was married to, I still stayed over and over or let him come back again and again, because I just never want to give up on someone...even though I probably should have in that case. I don't love any of them any less--im not in hate nor holding any grudges. I simply have learned that my boundaries are valid and they are there to help me to have the best life that I can possilby have. I don't for a second believe I know what works for everyone in their lives, not even for a milisecond even try to tell someone else how to live, but when your choices are stealing my joy, hurting my heart or turning my smile the other way...we sumpthins gotta give. I choose to give you the space to go and create the life of your choice and more power to you. But you just arent gonna have access to make those messes here.


I dont think of myself as harsh, selfish or mean. I know that even today there may be someone else I have to delete. I dont really have a pending list, but I just know when I read over and over and over again that someone is having issues and they never seem to be working towards a solution, they may just be a drama junkie. And please know I am not making a judgement on that lifestyle being good or bad...you are more than welcome to choose how to live your life. But if that is what you are content with putting out in the world, and you are not working towards investing anything in anyone else or their happiness....what you get is what you get.


So the funniest thing happened today, I was talking to a friend on the phone and the topic of discussion was about how a certain someone was going on and on about how people better stop the drama...but wait it gets better. When ever this person name comes up among her mutual friends there is usually some comment about how much drama is going on in their posts...drama this, drama that, drama her, drama him, drama them, drama work---well any way...you get the point right?

So I said, I have not seen any of those posts, how strange. So I do a little search and sure enough--we are no longer friends because the little button on the top of her wall says "Add as Friend". Im like--no thanks this former facebook user, just did me a huge favor.


I can simply say this...since I learned that I have every right to limit access to those who would abuse my kindness, or mistake my sweet demeanor as some form of welcome mat for them to wipe all thier dirt on as they walk right over me...my life has been great....and if it aggravates you that I am positive and happy and all miss sunshine and stuff, well then delete away. But really dont knock it until you have tried it. There aint no other way to live in my opinion! And just for the record, I have never used the see who deleted you app---and the only way I missed this person was because others were fed up with the drama filled posts too. I just wonder if any will decide to let themselves be deleted also. The surest way to get someone negative to remove you is to LOVE YOUR LIFE!!!

A life of honor.....for yourself.

When you choose to live life with honor and respect for others, removing unecessary drama and holding close to those who live by the same principles, it is absolutely amazing what life becomes. If only you could see that you deserve, as much as anyone, to be loved, treated with care and treasured for the amazing person you are...let no one take that away by your choice. ILMF-ILML-IJS---facebook status 1/25/2011



So I write alot!!! And sometimes the things that end up in a status or even on paper or occassionally on a note to someone I feel the need to share something with, but it just seems I write alot.



I am often told that I should write a book, or for magazines, but I can't for the life of me figure out how to put what I rattle on about into something that would be a commercial product. I do know that the school of hard knocks that I graduated from has taught me much about how life can be best handled when it aint all sunshine and lollipops. It has also been a part of my education to come to understand how all the choices were mine...that lead me to that dang old college of life.



We are the pilots of our life ship, the masters of our fate, the directors of our life story. We only shortchange ourselves when we set about the see how it is someone elses fault. Now that does not mean that when someone is present in our life we should go on letting them use us for their whipping post or the dumpground for any of their misquided emotional trash. But it does mean however we bear some responsibility for where we end up...or at least I did.



Its like the people who live next to a smelly dumpground, cant really smell the trash like those who might get brave enough to visit. But the stench was there just the same. We have to understand all that the stink that ends up in our lives is because we allowed it to be there, or in some cases created it for the sake of having something to complain about.




When I had finally come to the understanding that the person I was hanging all my hopes for a better tomorrow on was never going to be one that lived in honor or in truth, it became so apparent that to honor myself and my beliefs would mean the end of our story. As I venture farther and farther from that disaster, I can only see how much drama was unecessary, how much time was wasted with a life that held no principles to the test and who thought honesty was something that was always negotiable. I had never heard the saying before, but when someone shared with me that he "Would rather climb a tree to tell a lie, than stand on the ground and tell the truth" it was as if someone had hit me upside the head.



The hardest thing I had to do was to learn how to respect someone's or everyone's right to live the way they see fit. But at the same time that meant I had the same choice as well. I have never really shared all of that story. Some parts of it are just to hard for some ears that might have to hear it. And while the anger of what I saw as injustices gets to me now and again, I am not sure that I will ever be able to tell the whole story. But you know in all fairness I dont really think I need to. At one time I was so angry that the stories poured out with the tiniest of triggers. I just find now after coming so far from that history, I rarely ever even feel the urge to bring any of it up. I owned my responsiblity in it and thats all I needed to heal to move on. Does it make it any less wrong? No, but again its not up to me to decide for someone else how they should live.



As I remember back on the moment of clarity and the choice to move back to a life that not only honored others as well as myself, but was also guided by those never failing principles that should (in my opinion) guide us all. Its been awhile since I studied the principles of an honor filled life, but if I remember right there are 12--kinda like the deadly sins....hey I gotta remember to go back and see if there is a connection. Although I dont think its as important where those guides come from as what they mean when I am using them in my life, it never hurts to lean on the wisdom of the ages....they had some pretty rough stories too.



I think also that most of the life of me before, was based on should have's and ought to's. Everyone should have the same moral compass as I do, but that may or may not be true. Everyone ought to have be treated they way they treat others...that old law of attraction thing again....that which is likened to itself is drawn.



I think sometimes for me I got caught in a trap, one of those gotta chew my leg off to get away before its too late types. But when I got away, I found myself. I can live the rest of my life only seeing drama on tv or in the movies, because it serves no real purpose. Those who use it as their vehicle to move through this life are so not getting it...in my opinion. And please know I am not talking about those things that happen in our lives that change us forever. I am talking about those situations where we have ourselves all twisted up on an outcome or behavior of another person. So wrapped up that the only option that we can live with is for the drama to play out just as we have written it. No thanks--no improvs or last minute script changes for me...you just pony right back up here and say what I expect you to...and we will be fine! The real trick or I guess I should say talent in living a successful life, is to not be emotionally tied to the outcomes. I know many who might read this, probably just did and ol; what the hell?? But listen--closely--it has been my experience when I am living out in front of the situation, and deciding or even belieiving that things have to happen this way or that for me to be happy, I am just waiting for the next emotional wreck. Because people can not see our SCRIPTS!!! And as much as we might think, if they would just change or do things our way, we would finally be happy---not only does it rarely happen, it is not really what makes us happy.



Happiness is like a breeze or even a falling star---it blows in or speeds by only to be gone almost as fast as it came. But if we can be happy in anticipation of the next little whisp of air, find gratitiude for those sparkles of falling stars that grace our night skies, then we are not waiting on something ot make us feel happy. We are living happy and feeling the emotional hapiness when the next surprise or gift arrives.



When we choose to give away our selves to those who do not deserve the gift, nor are able to honor and undestand what a gift it is, we are giving up our birthright to a joyous life. We are not born into this world to be unhappy, nor are we destined to be abused, used or damaged by people who are more lost than ourselves. We teach others how to treat us, by being caught up on the off chance they might actually one day be able to read our script and play along in our drama. I put away my script several years ago. I have taken the difficult but necessary steps to remove those who refuse to live with principles in my life. I did'nt loose anything when most of them were shown the door. Because the old door closing, window opening analogy is more than true. Once we put aside those old habits of trying to keep others where we think they should be, and find a way to honor their choices as well as making our own, life becomes this journey through moments. Emotions come to show me what I am feeling, but I choose how to label them, and honor the others in my life.



The next blog I write is probably gonna be on the understanding that I have about love. I often watch others use the word love as if it was to purchase anothers loyalty. Don't you know how much I love you? As that should have anything to do with anything. The beginnings of love are about the physical--the attraction, the flutters and the happiness. But the real love--the love that stories are written about, only have their beginnings in that love. The real love---the love of the ages, that has nothing to do with the emotional love. That love is the choice, the action, the art of caring more about how the other person feels, than I could ever care about me. But know this, those who are good at this art of loving another, only came about the success of it by first loving themselves enough to wait for a person who was worthy of the decision and the committment.



In our world where it is so easy to feel lonliness, its easy to tie ourselves to the outcome of emotional love...to fall(dont you like how that expression used with any other adverb would not be as great) in love. I can tell all my friends " I fell in love" or " I fell in the mud" and the two are actually exactly the same. They are both an ewey gooey mess that often has to be cleaned up. But the act of loving, the art of the deciding to love another with honor and principles, does not have us tied to the outcome. I can love the person I choose and never see them another day in my life, if their love does not honor me in return.



I keep alot of the things I write, and sometimes when I go back and read them I think..."I wrote that?" WOW---thats pretty cool!

Yeah...Im talking about you...SO WHAT??!!

A few days ago, I posted a status on facebook about friendships and how being friends with people who challenge you to be a better person are the friendships that honor life. One of my friends seemed to have a hard time taking the compliment that I have shared about those people in my life, so I just felt the need to share a little about the people who grace my life....

Shana-talented, generous, forgiving, tenacious, strong (Im not saying she was the one doubting the fact that she is a good friend---but you can decide for yourself)


There is little fluff when it comes to being in the world with Shana, she does not blow sunshine up (fill in the word you prefer)...but she is never unkind...even sometimes a little kinder than the situation requires. But in this talent she reminds me to be a little softer around the edges. I am a little bit jealous of Shana, cause the girl can sing a song, and when she is done, I would rather hear her sing it than the artist who originally sang it. Shanas life has had challenges larger than many of us ever face, but watching her learn to cope has taught me so much.


Kerry-helpful, a volunteers spirit, a grizzly bear of a mother, honest, forgiving, generous


Her ability to find a way to give, even when she herself is in need is inspirational. She does not allow others to take advantage of those she cares about, but sometimes lets some abuse her generosity. But she also can set a boundary when even her kindness is used up. She is a grizzly bear if you come to slight one of her children. She also has an ability to see to the heart of people...even when they are good at looking ok on the outside, and hiding something darker from the naked eye.

Christina-everyones best friend...kind, generous, a great hostess, lover of fun,

Since the day that she and I met, I have never thought of her as anything but a friend. She never gives up anyone, until they prove to not be worthy. And even then she grieves for the loss of someone she cared about. She is diplomatic in all her relationships. She allows others to feel however they choose, but also always defends those she cares about on their good points and forgiving their humaness.

Jentry-witty, gifted, great mom, talented, intelligent.

She has the ability to connect thoughts to every situation that helps others to see things in a new way. Her witt difuses uncomfortable moments or creates them depending on what is needed at any given moment. She does not shy way from her truth and expects so much from the love of her children. Jentry is quick to smile and share her humor....I have never worried about where I stood with Jentry, all I need to do is look at her face and I can see her love and respect for me as well as all those in her life.

Krista-perfectionist, amazing mother, beautiful inside and out, funny, great hostess,

Sometimes as I watch her live her moments with those she loves, I see a spirit almost too large to live in the tiny little body she flutters around in. Her mind is sharp and I think some neglect to see her intelligence because they think of her as a pretty little thing, but do not discount her ability to see fairness, or her understanding of fighting for what is right. She has an innate compass of fairness and justice. She never shys away from her feelings or her beliefs. She sometimes is too hard on herself but as she moves closer to the potential of her greatness as the woman she is, she sees more and more about to appreciate herself. Her perfectionism can be a asset and a liability, but she is learning which is better to focus on.

Stacey-fun, exciting, laid back, honest, pure Energy.

As I see more and more of Stace revealed in her posts on facebook , I realize more and more how much I like her. She has an ability to encourage at a moments notice for someone in doubt or need. She seems to not be flustered by any truth of her life nor stalled by it. She knows where she wants to go and goes in that direction with gusto, but in a calmness that barely gives a hint of the little storm that she is. Beauty sparkles in each photo that catches her being still enough to be photographed.

Amy-a gentle spirit, loving heart, readily able to see and appreciate joy, fun and love those who are in her life.

Amy is just cuteness, I can never look at that sweet face and not smile. She always has a look of excitement when she sees those she cares about. I never worry about Amy's friendship...she has a talent at friendship and keeps and holds her friends near to her always.

Jen-Calm, lover of fun, aprreciates others,

I have never seen Jen get upset about anything. Whenever she seems to be dealing with a situation it is only because I can feel a difference in her mood in the very slightest of ways. She may calmly sit while drama is going on, but she is just taking it all in stride. She has her direction firm in her own mind and god forbid whomever wants to sway her to the darkside...she is confident in being herself and happy with her choices in life.

Joy-is a joy, enthusiastic, and a fun finder, and her name is perfectly suited to her personality.

It has never failed to be a moment that I remember when seeing Joy...she has the ability to make a person see joy when she welcomes you or greets you when she arrives. She makes the space she is in full of joy and it becomes tangible...something that everyone can feel. She is funny and can make a face that will make you smile even if you dont feel like it.

Leslie-gracious, kind and a master at giving compliments.

On numerous occassions when Les has been introducing me to someone she knows, she has not only shared with the other person my name, she heaps on compliments me and about every person she feels has great traits, almost to the point that it is embarrassing but wonderful if its your turn for one of her introductions. She is hospitable always opening her home for people to gather and have fun. She also has a knack for decorating that is magazine cover ready...you should see her house at Christmas.

April-sweet, positive, kind and optimistic

No matter who she is talking about she always finds a way to make it a positive conversation, right down to her ex husband...I have a little trouble doing this, but would love to be more like April when I grow up. She has talent that is only overshadowed by her ability to remain humble. And lets just face it every conversation is just sweet...from her words of encouragement or positive outlook, I always come away feeling a little better about being me after spending time with April.

I have more friends in my circle and hope to one day share what about each what makes their life an asset in mine...to say I am blessed is truely an understatement. I think the biggest compliment I can give is that each makes me want to be a better person so I can be deserving of their friendship. So yeah---Im talking about you---SO WHAT????


Krista Ritter wow, you made me cry. I love how observant you are, and the perspective and opinion that you've chosen to share about everyone warms my heart. You are such a truly beautiful person and I love that you've taken the time out of your day to express your thoughts about all of us. We are the lucky ones to have a friend like you around, to bring out the best in us. I love you Pamn, and thank you so much for your words. It means a lot to me.
Yesterday at 2:02pm · LikeUnlike.Mary Fugitt Now you know I read wht you write and most of the time comment but darn I miss a few days and feel like I missed a month...lol I love you kid,hang in there it Will Get Better!!
Yesterday at 3:02pm · LikeUnlike.April Ryan I love u my pam a lam! You are one of the nicest people ever and I am grateful to have u in my life! That was one of the nicest things some one has said about me it was so sweet!

Shana Duty WOW....Ok my turn.
Pam-From the moment we met I knew there was something special about you. I will never forget that night, sitting at Lil bit. We just started talking and you listened to everything I had to say, which just spilled out of ...me. Instantly I knew you would be in my life forever. I have told you over and over again that I have never had a true friend in all my life until you came along. I know without a doubt that God put you in my life for a reason. You are correct...I am hard on myself and I dont see the good in me like you do. However you never allow me to put myself down whenever we are together or we are just talking. You have always been their with a shoulder to cry on whenever or whatever time it is. No matter what I do or how I act you never judge me but continue to love me as a true friend does. You have a generous heart and you give unselfishly. I admire you and all that you stand for. I strive to be like you when I grow up.
You are truly my best friend and I thank God every day for bringing you into my life.

Amy Brookshire Awww that made me cry. I love you Pam and you have hit the nail on the head.


Christina Miller Mikeska Wow, Pammee, you know me so well. you are so right baout all that you said, I love you so much, you are such an amazing woman, in every way. Beautiful, funny, sweet, caring, loveable, you light up a room when you walk into it, with your smi...le~! Your laugh is one of the cutest things EVER and you know how to treat people, even when they have upset you and hurt you, you manage to still have a smile on your face, and always be positive. I am trying to learn from you, because I think you are one great woman to look up to! Thank you for being in my life! I love you~!

Jentry Wells so like always im a page behind the rest of you...lol im always waiting on the pop-up book to come out... here it is sunday and im just now seeing what Pam posted... as you all know it takes alot to shut me up and today Pam did just that...... have you ever stumbled accross something and thought it was great at the time but later realized its not only great but something you cant live without...well thats what happened when i met Pam... your AWESOME! you have a funny way about you that makes me smile inside and out... and if im half the grandma you are im going to do just fine...i love you.