I have amazing friends....they don't really know what I think of them, although I have written things to try and let them know, I dont think they really do. The past is full of disappointments and changes that seemed to run me over just like a runaway bus...but somehow someway I managed to keep my kids together, safe and with their underwear at least in close vicinity of where they were sleeping. I didnt always have the support of everyone in my life, but I have come to understand how that was my own fault. I was still learning what it meant to be a great friend...so I didn't always do right by the ones I had. So now when those real friends come along I not only recognize them for the gift that they share, I smile and watch as they add glitter to my life. Are they perfect friends? Not even close, but thats what makes them more mine, because Im not perfect either.
I had lots of growning up yet to do even just a few years ago, and still made mistakes even then that hurt people I care about. At this point all I can do is say I am sorry, and I hope everyday that I have done that enough. But I heard once that you have to apologize for wrongdoings until the other person no longer feels the pain of the hurt you caused. And even then sometimes the relationship can never be mended to its original state. It often can be rebuilt and occassionaly can be as strong as before, but it will never be the way it was before the damage. Its similar to a car wreck, you can fix the dings, replace parts, and repaint but the car will never be as it was before...NEVER. But the best way to say you are sorry and to show that you mean it, is by never committing the act that causes the damage in the first place. I think often when someone says that "love means never having to say you are sorry," they are missing the intention of the quote. When you love someone, you don't do things to damage their heart, change the way they feel about you or create drama in their life.
Not too long ago a person who many of our Friend-Pack care about set about living her life as she saw fit and when the results of her actions changed some of those relationships, she seemed well just stupified by the outcome. I cannot believe someone can get to our age and be so clueless but apparently it happens. This person outed some grievances out loud for all those on her list to see, and many of us knew instantly it was directed at one person. I stood up for what I thought was right then and was quickly deleted from her list. I did not suffer grave emotional harm at this choice, because I believed that the harm caused by her public outburst of anger towards people who not only did not deserve it, was just wrong. And I do not need people in my life who see me as disposable. I became as throw away to her as the paper napkin you get at Taco Bell. Most never even give it a second thought to toss those, cause you know you are gonna get 20 more the next time you go through the drive through.
The aforementioned person had began a relationship that not only did not honor her, but was also with someone who set about alienating and isolating her from everyone she said she cared about. To this day I do not socialize with her ex-fiance, because I dont like him, and while I dont really think of myself as rude, his actions were just too far out of what is acceptable to me for us to ever be more than acqaintences. Once her little honeymoon with this person was over, she bagan to reach out to all of us again and ask for help. One of those who stood up for her and let her MOVE into her home was the original target of the call out on facebook. To say I was surprised at this kind gesture by my friend is not completely accurate, I know that she is not only one of the most generouse spirited persons I know, but even when I was having trouble getting past this past history, she simply said, she needs help, and I didnt want to know that her and her kids might be sleeping in the streets.
I spoke out at the outset of the first outburst and mentioned a couple of times that I did not think it was a great idea for this cohabitation to take place, but to be blunt it was really none of my business. But the original now almost forgotten outbursts that had gotten me deleted in the first go round, included my sincere belief that some apologies were owed to put the past in the past. To my knowledge that has never happened...and on one occassion this little whacky quacking goose has told me that she didnt have anything to apologize for. I did allow a re-friending, but without the necessary steps to mending the fences, this person is not really my friend, but simply a freind of some of my friends...or at least I thought she was.
Come to find out that since moving into my BFF's home, she has never shown any appreciation although BFF is supporting her and her two kids 100%--well her and her sister are sharing the support. There has been job hunting, and other activities, some of which would have been enough for me to send her packing, but no job. Hmmmmm, ok, but yet still not alot of gratitude or appreciation shown for the grace the first person she attacked months ago. So you are in someones home with your two kids, living with all the conveniences that, that implies...food, water, laundry, indoor plumbing, furniture, etc, etc, etc....and you are not working--oh and you are invited to most outings where it is an open event. Your kids are provided with transportation to and from school, video games as well as all the other perks that this persons work and funds are providing. But the rest of the days...you are just in someone elses home. On the computer, using their internet, eating...sleeping, bringing guys over. Well anyway, thats alot of hours, to be doing nothing...so Im thinking if this were me, I would be so indebted to this person, that dinner would be on the table when she got home, her house would be clean...laundry done...something to use my day and at least make some sort of gesture of my appreciation...um ==nope not been happening.
So if you are to this point of the story, you may be having a little trouble following. My BFF has not only taken this friend and her kids in, she has been helping others in her circle as well, and all this while she herself had lost a job and was trying to keep afloat financially. Also since all the changes that have gone on in her home, she had come to a decision that she really wanted to be closer to her kids and grands. And while this makes me sad, because it will mean she is further away from me, I totally understand and support her decision, even more these days because many of my kids and one grand now live almost an hour away. Its hard--I love my friends and my kids and grand that are here...but missing the others sometimes is more than I can bare.
So I find out today that the moving in/whacky quacking goose has once again began her poor me posts on facebook. Saying she is blindsided by the move of my BFF--REALLY? SEIOUSLY? BLINDSIDED???? Ummm its been months since you moved in, its been months since she has told EVERYONE--including you that she was looking for a house to be closer to her kids?? REALLY?? Well like I said its a goose quacker!!
I am not only angry again at this poor me, cant take care of myself whining binge, but I am upset that once again the facebook posts or other means of communications between friends have been directed at some people that I care about. This is not even giving half of the story, there are so many more points for the defense, (I should have been a lawyer) and so many more reasons why the old saying is true, "you can't help someone who refuses to help themselves."
I hear comments like why was I left out, how come no one invited me, and then out and out lies about things that were not really even being said. Changes in direction on a dime as long as the change suited her, and no matter what the story was 10 minutes ago. I have watched this person use her looks and charm to win guy after guy and then as soon as she was done playing, here comes the old--Im just not ready for a relationship line, to brush him off. And these are nice guys too...not like the one that none of us liked...NICE
I am so about to give her an ear full...but then I remember, how successful my attempt to get her up to speed was last time....UMMM DELETED!! There are others who came to BFF's defense, and they too were on the outs until they made the decision to try to rebuild the bridge. I was there on one occassion and within seconds of the actions of my friend towards this member of our gang...I was told "She just apologized to me" I said, no she didnt, what she said was lets put the past behind us...and she did it for me and for the other person that had been previously attacked. The next phrase out of the quackers mouth was the sum it all up winner hands down....she quacked at me "Well I dont have anything to apologize for!" Wow, just WOW!!!
I am frustrated by this person, and still do not have the first incling as to what I can do to help...because last time it was not successful. I was deleted. I was thrown away and all i had done was give her some honesty. It was a slap in the face, but I have been known to tell people like it is, and its never easy when its someone you care about....but even less easy when its someone you dont care about....because its my minutes Im wasting, its my life time that she is using up and well I know whats coming for all of us...its taco bell paper napkin time...deleted!!!
Let me just say this...no relationship is all about me or you, Im not 100% wrong and you are not 100% right...but for it to be a worthy endeavor you need to be at least batting close to 50-60% of the time. You should be moving forward and not creating issues where there are none needed. You should always be the one who unerstands when an apology is needed and when you have apologized enough---if there is even ever enough apologizing!! And if for heavens sake you find yourself dependant on someone else please, please, please see it for the grace that it is. They are being an earth angel for you!!
Tonight the postings started again on facebook...poor me, nobody likes me, why cant i get a clue...whah whah whah....so I fired back with "why do you think that is?" That lead to almost an 3 hours of back and forth on texting...and still I dont think she gets it. But you know what, she doesnt have to. She is under no obligation to get a clue. She can continue to live her life as she always has and get what shes always got. Whats the most amazing part is that if you just listen to her words, you can hear what she really thinks. She feels like she is being judged for a mistake--not that she is feeling the ramifications of how she is hurting others. She feels like she has to pretend to be something else, but we all know exactly who she is. She wants people to just move past things, but she has never forgiven herself or anyone else. She still thinks that her hard luck is about trusting the wrong person, I maintian that she isnt trusting the right one...herself.
This could go on all night...and in fact it almost has, until she asked the question-"in your opinoin what should I do?" Well I told her---and the text stopped. DEAD in their tracks. Too funny that we are still right where we were 3 hours ago and funny that I am ok with that. I have no investment in the outcome...she asked a question, I shared what I believe. I have noticed sometimes lately that some folks misunderstand what I write, but I think really they are just reading through a filter that I no longer have. Kinda like the rose colored glasses that are in an old country song. We each see, read, experience things through our own filter. And our filter is a culmination of the many parts of our lives that have helped to shape our feelings and beliefs. But if I have learned nothing else I am most grateful for the lesson of knowing that feelings are not facts and beliefs are simply thoughts that we keep thinking. We choose to think them or not. I have been known to ask people why they believe one thing or another, and most of the time I get the answer I dont know, or I just do. I am not really sure either of those are valid reasons to hold to a belief.
So now I sit here with my blog~erapy almost finished and I am faced with a dilema. Do I post it and let the cards fall where they may, or do I hold it for a day or two to see if she was sincere when she said she wanted help? Do I really want to start down the road of being life coach for someone who has not even learned whether she is a duck or a goose? The answers are not always easy to hear and I probably overloaded her with stuff she is so not ready to hear...and thats ok. When the student is ready the teacher will appear. I know there were moments after my teacher showed up that I could have no more believed that my life had ended up where it had under my own direction than I could have flown...but he didnt give up on me. And I dont think I will either. I am not going to give her fluff and stuff, but I will give her some things to think about.
Can the relationships that have been hurt be repaired? Sure, those who are hurting have been hurt before, and probably will be again. Will they give her more chances to prove what they already know? Yeah, probably so...but thats ok. We never get it all done and we never get it wrong...we just get it or we don't. Things that sparkle in this world are everywhere, catching our attention, but sometimes as we get closer, it was a piece of something else and not glitter and all....doesnt mean that we cant enjoy it while it sparkles or miss it when its gone...
i just want to say for the record that I like parts of this person, I love the potential that she has to be a valid part of our friends group, but I'm not really sure of her motives at this point. When someone is hurt, they begin looking for validation and solutions or they look for someone to blame. What it seems like is happening here is someone trying to stack the friends in her corner...and many of us who have been hurt by her actions are worried for those who have yet to have their trust damaged. Our path from here is not yet clear, but I hope that as we move forward that we can get everyone at least quacking where it sounds somewhat like we are all ducks.
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