Facebook Post -1/29/2011
I know you have heard all the words of wisdom about living in the moment...but I thought I would share my perspective. I had a former life, one that was filled with worry, regrets, anger and fear. Worry and fear are about living in or being afraid of your future. Anger and regrets are tying yourself to the past. I was so out of my present for most of my previous life that I was sad or miserable most of the time. I had allowed my life to be guided by someone elses desires and moral compass...and to say we were lost most of the time would have been an understatement. It was tough. Sometimes the worries were so big they consumed me, and most of the time they were real...where were we going to live, how long would the employment last, am I going to be able to buy groceries, will the kids get new school clothes and what about Christmas?
The concerns never seemed to stop. It wasnt because life had to be hard, its just that someone had made it that way, and I did not know how to go back and fix it. I worried not only about tomorrow, but next week, the light bill, the next birthday...sometimes even the next meal. Becuase of the choices in my life, it felt as though I had no control, so there was nothing left to do but worry, fear, regret or be angry. I was lost and did not know how to find my way to here.
It was a pretty scary way to live. But in reality when it was all said and done, not one minute of those spent worrying ever helped a thing. I just could not get a handle on all those crazy things that were going on and affecting our stability. I have always been a bit hardheaded, and my committments mean something to me. So when I said I do, I didnt think it was ok to say now I dont. I kept trying and trying and trying, until one day when the schemes and the not so legal wranglings became too much. I had finally found a way to get my family home...close to my family and when the " hey we should move's" began, I said no! Move all you like, but as far as I am concerned...this is where I will be.
That was both the beginning of the end and the beginning of the do-over. And to be honest although the path has been rough at times and I have sometimes cried myself to sleep over the changes, I have not regretted the last act of the play.
Now fast forward to today, there are no more crisis moments. There are no more waiting on those phone calls from people who felt like they had been cheated and were out to get even. There are no more dramas at all. It is life, with ups and downs and smiles and tears....but not a moment of it do I regret.
And life is so great now, people come into my life and they stay. They play and share and laugh and care. Sometimes we cry and work and do crazy things we just wont mention here. But at the end of the day---the only storms brewing are those stirred up by people I dont rely on. They are drama centered just as I used to be and until they decide as I did or even if they never do, their life is going to always look like a mess.
I have been called out on the drama comments more than once, and often you can hear me explaining the difference between real life and drama. So here goes just for the record, one more time....Life is full of ups and downs, or as one of my former bosses used to tell me opportunities to problem solve and create an answer. Drama is when you let your emotional connection to whatever is going on in your life spill onto everyone else and you emotional play act until someone else solves the problem or it self corrects and life moves on. There is a movement of life...it is forever pushing us to the next opportunity...to do with it what we will. Life is the play, the drama is our emotional reaction to it. I never have really found that drama or worry did anything for me other than push some pretty amazing people that I cared about away, or self perpetuate itself to the next drama.
I also believe that we call into our life what we want to experience. We are seeking a new job, love or adventure...resumes dont just send themselves out, dates arent being set for us, tickets to the bahamas dont just appear...and if they do I think I have been cheated a little...im just sayin!
We are drawn and hold close those people who have something we admire. Their smile, honesty or they are just great to look at. We can be, do and have anything we want, if we have a belief that it can be so and we are not busy using our creative skills to create just empty dramas for entertainments or attentions sake.
I dont know where I found my drama queen or even understand how I let her take over in that old life, but boy when I got her pegged, we began working towards her retirement at lightening speed. I don't miss her much, sometimes when I am watching some of the really good ones play act around me, I miss her....and I have been known on occassion to let her come out and play if only for a moment or two. She was a very entertaining personality. But she just wasnt the real me...she was all drama, all the time.
I love that I have found myself, my confidence and my heart. I love that when I speak to friends new or old that it is my voice and story they hear. I love that when I create a solution to a problem that it is done. I love that I no longer have to depend on any others dramas to damage my life. I love too that the decisions that I make today are mostly good ones, once correcting the craziness, most things just work themselves out, I learn from the answers and get better at seeing that no problem comes without answers. I really think that is what they were trying to teach in algebra---not so much math as problem solving.
I know that I havent got it any better or worse then anyone else. But I dont measure my life by your successes anyway. You are creating your reality just the same as I. It would be silly for me to be jealous of what you have created for yourself or even crazier if I wanted all that you have. Your life is yours and I love that you are making it something wonderful and that you invite me to share in it. But I dont want yours...I want what is meant for me.
I am happy almost 24/7/365---and on those rare occasions that I let someone get me off course it only helps me more clearly define those things and people I want in my life. Each time these blog-notes get written I smile a little more...because the thoughts are real and in black and white. Not only can I go back a read them...it helps me understand that I dont move backwards. The progress I have made is mint to keep forever. I may go back and play in worry and drama for a minute, but that doesnt make me have to go back to that life...only helps me remember why I wont go back. I appreciate so much also those who read the lessons and get out of it something that helps them. And if not helping them, gives them a view of me that they can relate to. It never ceases to amaze me those who stop me in WalMart or work or where ever we happen to be and mention what I write. I love that you get something out of my blog~erapy, because this little gift to myself helps me more and more everyday.
I dont even post all of them...sometimes the reality of what I write calls someone out. Sometimes it would not serve a purpose other than be a jab to them...and that is never my intention. Although sometimes it might be due course to give them a good swift kick. My intentions are only to help and to never harm anyone with my words or my actions...just make sure you are respecting that intention when you impact those I care about... and in case you are missing that...you are someone I care about. Dont do anything that negatively impacts you either.
We can prepave and have good feelings toward our future, choosing a life that is drama free, but when we live there in tomorrow or worry...thinking that the only way we are happy is for the story to end in a certian way, the relationship to go the perfect distance, or the party to never end....we are stuck in never.
We never live in tomorrow only in the minute we are in.
ok---no more...Im out !
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