There is absolutely no way to go through the collective pain of what our country is dealing with, without acknowledging that it has to be one of the most horrible things we can ever face. The loss of human life is never easy to grieve, but when it is all innocents who played no active part in creating this crime, time seems to slow down to a horrific journey of reminders. I have five kids and as any mother feels at this moment, I am exceedingly grateful that they are all safe and well. I also think of those two little grands who go to "schools" through their regular week routine. I can assure you the next few weeks as I pick them up for Gimmee' time or even drive by a school, it will not feel normal to just be in that space. It will forever remind me of what it must be like for those parents as they will never be able to be at that school or near any other without their reality slapping them in the heart.
There are no words or actions that can ever make sense of this crime. There are only the real days ahead as we move towards finding a space in our hearts and minds where we can resolve the feelings of fear and begin to find a returning of peace.
I have tried to limit myself from seeing the day in and day out cryptic quotes of all the news reporters who seem to be charged with reminding me of how horrible it is instead of informing me of something new. I am appalled as I see reporters put microphones in the faces of those children who have suffered so much in such a short span. Many who cannot even find words for what has happened at their school.
I am also a bit surprised at some of the outbursts and sensationalism that has creeped into my facebook from those who try to create an argument, lay blame or decide why, instead of wrap this craziness in love so that it will be healed. And I am encouraged by those who have fought and worked at finding ways to share their smiles so that we can indeed see that life goes on, and whether we feel guilt, or sadness or even anger, we owe those who are gone respect of acting as I would imagine they would hope we would if they were still here. I feel they would want us to try and take care of those who are scared, hurting or needing treatment so that we do not have to grieve another school or mall or any mass attack of hatred.
I as a mom am also faced with a bit of dread and worry for my 15 year old as we have all heard about the threats looming for his Granbury High school. I received the call late last week....and felt so blessed to have a few extra hours this weekend of being normal with him so I could say one more time I love you, and try not to be too afraid, oh and keep an eye on your surroundings, don't be lost in texting or doing things on your phone and on and on the mom talk goes.
To say this has not changed my reality would be hard for me. On one hand my feelings are all over the map, but I refuse to live where I cannot send my kid to school or know that my grands are at their learning centers. I cannot believe that it has to happen again, here or anywhere. But the fact is now and forever a part of my reality that we as a country take a blind eye to those who might need help the most. We seem to react as though it is not our problem and that budget cuts for those who need healthcare from the medicaid or medicare system are an optional expense. How can we as a country be so callous? How many stories have I heard from those who are not seeking entitled options, but just help because they are suffering from some disease, or mental illness that none of us would have stood in line to receive had we been given the option before we arrived in this physical life. I am often upset that I was given the fat gene, and that I have reached a point in my life where I find it increasingly hard to fight to loose the weight, but I promise you I would have never traded obesity for mental illness.
I am most inspired by the one parent that I did see speak in a news conference earlier today. He spoke of his daughter Emilie. And as he focused mostly on the joy of being her dad for all the time that he had the opportunity, he also shared some beautiful memories about his precious girl, how he believed she spent her last moments and how he wished we could all remember her. He also extended sympathy to the family of the one who took her life. His courage in the face of this moment humbles me beyond belief. I am not sure I could have been that gracious. His courage and moments of grace serves such a lesson to each of us. If we are living a faithful life, we have to be able to take these moments with the grace that even surely God must have had at the murder of his son.
I believe our souls carry on, that upon our exit of this physical life we are gifted peace that surpasses all understanding. We will not be limited by what our human brain is merely capable witnessing. I believe that we are gifted the answers that we never fully received here, and that our lessons can go on to create more peace if only those left behind will seek it.
I am grateful tonight for all those who have tried to carry on...without too much doom and gloom, or end of the world comments. I am ok with the change that may or may not be aware to all of us on December 21st. But for the record, until we learn to love even those who hate us, the world is going to have moments that stops our collective heartbeat. We are going to have to stand in front of a tv at work and try to wrap our brain around some hateful act as long as we allow hate to exist. Anger is temporary. It is a human reaction to not accepting what is.
I have no answers as to how to stop this in our world. But I will look for them anyway.
No comments:
Post a Comment