Welcome my friend Tanya K to Blogger....cannot wait to read more of her stuff.

If you like to laugh...

Always like to know more about the life of someone doing and interesting job...

Not easily offended...

This blog might just be a great read for you---

http://curbyouruber.blogspot.com/


~pam

It seems just like last week...

It still amazes me how it can be that you have been gone this long.

March 15th 2010

Angie called, and Angie never calls. She began with asking me if there was somewhere I could sit down and be alone. I was at work and I went outside and sat on a concrete wall near where I park my car.

She then said "I don't know the best way to tell you this, but I know how much Tim means to you. I am calling to let you know that he passed away last night in his sleep."

I don't remember much after that. I think she said "I'm sorry" a few hundred times. I think I remember her asking "Pam are you ok?" I think I remember answering " I don't think so.

How can it be that you are gone? How can it be that you are still gone? Don't you know how much I need you on a daily basis?

March 15th--2010---six years. I still miss you. I remember the lessons. I love you. Oh and if you want to pull one of your great tricks and somehow show back up in my life that would be great. I still have your phone number, I probably have thought about calling it at least a hundred times, to see if you would answer as you always did "It's you!" But how did you always know? I think you always knew everything. You always knew the right things I needed to hear. The work that I needed to be completing. The growth I was capably of reaching.

I miss you Tim--I think I always will.

Life is a HI-Way

So busy life means some things have to take the back seat...and apparently right now it is my blogging that has suffered the back seat detention.

I have so many great things to write about, but have not been finding the time to get it done.

So how about all my readers share how they get their writing done?

Any tips for keeping it up to date?

HELP!!

Happy Thanksgiving

I am reminded this year how much I have to be grateful for, and how much I am going to miss my family as they travel over the river and through the woods to see other family!

I will not be alone, I have signed up to work with all the amazing staff who will be providing a great meal to our clients who are not traveling anywhere for the holiday.

Most of all I am grateful for you...thanks for reading, sharing and keeping my blog~erapy part of your life!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Please sure and post here what you are thankful for too!

Sometimes the sting hurts a little more because of who uttered the words

As always my life is a class room of learning.

Sometimes when you think you know someone, they show you a side you never saw coming. They speak of you in a way that is full of disrespect when none is deserved. They put a twist on the story they tell to hold themselves higher regard with the one hearing the "tale". Its a hard reality.

When it happens the first reaction is often anger, fueled by the ego wielding "how dare they" hurt feelings. It can even bring up those old self talk conversations that remind us we are not good enough and they must be right or how could they say such mean things?

As I have grown in my journey of self-care, loving and forgiving I have learned to allow the hurt to happen, and then seek to regain composure as soon as possible.

Not everyone is versed in loyalty, strength or honesty. And for me that has to be ok. I will never be perfect. I have even stopped trying to be. I have gifted ideas and inspiration freely never asking for credit. I have shared honestly only hoping others would do the same. It just sometimes will have to be that others fall short. I seek to allow them their humanness the same as I do for me.

I know that which I have done with the best of intent. I know my words were shared to give the correct view. I believe that I can only do what is in front of me to do and I must forgive those who do not live by the first seek to do NO HARM rules that guide my life.

Tread lightly those who share words tainted with hate, be careful when you speak in a place that holds no privacy...the walls have ears, and when you share half truths you may just change how someone feels about you forever.

You know, for when you want to feel better about yourself...she said~

BLOG~ERAPY




So I am busy working on a few rough edges and a friend of mine who is looking to add a new path to her life and I have worked out a little barter for the work.

I have some life changes that I have accepted recently and one of those is the natural progression of my hair to white. I have been unnaturally holding off this transition with a very strong relationship between me and Ms. Clairol, but we broke up. I stopped coloring my hair about 10 weeks ago and have the most amazing case of skunk hair.

I have actually gotten some really amazing comments, that have turned into conversations because of my "hairstyle".

Let's go back for just a minute to give you a bit of back story. I am a mom--have been a mom since I was 19--32 years to be exact, and for the most part I have loved it all. But not too terribly long ago on a trip to the grocery store, I was pushing my then 3 year old son and trying to pay for my groceries and not have to buy candy, toys or any more gotta haves as we got to the exit. The young lady who was working the register began to beep, beep scan our items and as I got close enough to the register for her to see the cutest little guy in the world setting in my cart, and she not so innocently asked me, "Is that your grandson?" I was first speechless, almost instantly upset and replied in a not too subtle state of disbelief "NO---he is my son!!"

I paid for my groceries, parked my buggy and picked up my son and told the now "not my favorite" cashier "I will be right back".

I marched myself over to the "hair care" aisle and purchased my first bottle of gray hiding color. I was in my mid 30's.

Since that time I have been fighting the root reveal every three to four weeks, sometimes splurging to get a profession color job and other times just paying my $9 at whatever store I was shopping that week. Its been a tough job keeping the gray away.

A few years ago I was growing tired of this little dance of hiding the obvious, and started thinking maybe it was time to go gray. While I can't say yet that I like my gray, its been a bit traumatic for me and my friends. Comments like "You are too young to be gray". "Gray hair will make you seem old" "Here is a gift certificate to get your hair done" (My favorite comment, but made me think...oh they hate the gray!)

So back to the main part of my story, my hair is gray. The part of my hair that has been covering my gray by being colored is getting further and further away from the roots...but I am not upset seeing my white roots.

I even had a very strange conversation with a young lady who wanted to know where I got my hair done. She seemed to think that the gray was a dye job and on purpose. Yeah...kinda surprised me too! We did the "ask the same question" conversation dance at least 4 rounds before she finally heard me when I answered..."I stopped dying it to cover the gray".

The most liberating part of my journey was the discovery of a book called, "Going Gray" by Anne Kreamer. I devoured the book and am seriously thinking about reading it again soon, as the reactions to my hair become as shocking as the change in my hair color. She not only took some what of a humorous look at this phase of her life, she did some experiments and fun with it too. It's a very good read.

I have also found a great blog that is a collaboration of 25 authors sharing tips, funny stories and their feelings on this hair-revolution. It's fascinating.

http://goinggrayblog.com/

So that brings me back to my main story. As I have been working with the "coach", one of the comments that came up more than once was my hair. What was shared seemed kind of aimed at how I must want to feel better about myself and maybe buy a wig. And it came up more than once.

So as I sat after we had talked and I thought about this comment I became very aware how none of the things I dislike about my personal appearance have anything to do with how I feel about myself. Now stop me if I am wrong or all alone, but how you see my physical self means nothing to me. I work hard to look presentable. Like to have my hair styled and combed when I meet folks. I even apply make up when I am sure a speaking engagement might turn into a photo op towards the end of the event. But I never feel bad if they take a bad photo.

I have even noticed more and more how hard some people work to make sure the picture is always their best picture ever taken, even stressing to retake over and over until just right. I don't like to have a bad photo, but once again it bears no weight if it's bad in the smile in my day. They work to develop a stance, a head position, perfect smile and whatever else configuration of self to where they always look the same. It even appears as if sometimes they are photo-shopped in--because the photos are so similar to every other photo they are in. They take the "pose" to a whole new level. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind nor do I think it wrong, I just can't seem to find it within my desire to figure out a way to pose every time a camera is near. This most probably means if you wanted to find goofy pictures of my on facebook or in my phone, my "awkward" non posing count would be more than triple most everyone else. --but I don't care.

And lets even go past the hair for a second and talk about my weight. I am too heavy...not because I want to be thin but because for many years of my life I used food, mostly processed and not to great for me food as my drug of choice. I am in a challenge with myself to loose the weight, mostly because I want to feel better physically, but not because it will make me feel better about being me.

I am not really sure where on my journey I began to understand that happiness is a choice and whatever there is in my life that I cannot change at this moment, has the power to break me or I can take the power to be in charge of my happy. I guess you can understand which one I chose.

I don't need a new outfit to feel better about being me, or to loose weight to be ok. I am OK, good enough, happy and at peace because I have that right, and it is what I decide for myself.

I don't really know how to give that to others, but I see many who are hungry for it. They are seeking the next thing bought, the next pound lost or the next cream to smooth away what rubs them the wrong way. I can tell you than if anything rubs me, it doesn't get to do it for long, before I am working on a way to re-frame my itch to find my happy.

I like to think that all of this "relaxed" go with the flow thoughts have more to do with the natural progression that all of over over 50's are going through, but I think I might be wrong. Because I hear them--they talk about this $100 cream and that "procedure" and they keep trying to find a spot where they feel "better" about themselves. This kinda makes me sad...for two reasons, one--this body can be worked on, but it still is going to be the age that it is...as it is for everyone, and second--if the only way I feel ok is by manipulating some part of my physical self then I am going to have a rough journey for this last 1/3 of my life.

The body is tired, worn and a full evidential representation of all the things I have experienced--over eating, childbirth X 5, long nights of work, worry and wonderfuls. It is what it is. I can work to improve it, but no matter whether it holds up for another 50 or starts to fail me sooner, it is only the mileage that concerns me. My happy and well are tied to my spiritual self not the physical one.

So I am not really sure how to start the conversation that must happen when we next meet, but I am not upset with my gray hair or my size jeans or even the not so perfect smile. All those things about my physical self have come through the travel and are a part of the genes that I was gifted. They are not a curse, bad news or even something I have to suffer through. Would I rather be thinner? Well yeah, but I am not going to wait on a number to be happy! All parts of my life can move to better, in time, but this moment right here---well I am just gonna enjoy it anyway. I choose to be happy, in abundance. Forgive in excess. And to love all those who come to teach me, test me or even trust me to help them as they travel too. It's a pretty neat 51 year old story...I am in no hurry to see how it ends, but I am pretty darn sure they will say I left with my gray hair shining and my smile planted for all to see.

Taking the next step, opportunities are only meaningful if you take them...

Recently there have been a few opportunities to take a road less traveled, to rely on someone else to assist in the forward movement and to live free from drama even though everyone was sure I would need some to get through.

I have decided that of late I am no longer going to be NICE if I don't have to, and I never have to. That I am going to take each opportunity to tell the truth as I see it, because that is the only truth I can see.

I felt as though someone was making excuses, back tracking out of a commitment they had made, and I felt disrespected, disappointed and lied to. I did not pretend what the other person was doing was ok. Their reaction was to be offended. Pretty interesting since I was choosing to not be offended or offensive only honest.

The biggest problem, if you can call it that, with living and authentic life is that you know almost immediately when someone is lying to you. It's as if living without premise, drama and half truths makes one immune to being lied to. It's not really a problem, except those who are busy doing the deflection dance hate to get caught. They feel the smack of someone knowing they have their number when the one catching on calls them on it.

I have also grown to have little patience for those who are busy skirting...but really can't say that I am surprised.

In all this recognition also comes the opportunity to fine tune self behavior as well. I find that I don't really care if people like me, but wish more of them would. I don't really work to win favors, but am not bothered if I am gifted any in the meantime.

It's a really hard spot to be in sometimes, because I know more than I should but feel I have mush more to learn. I miss Tim today! His wisdom was always just what I needed to move forward. To put into perspective all that was swirling around me. I know full well that I am supposed to accept this part of life, but I am entirely sad today because he is not here to help me.

That is all...just writing to release, and accepting as I go. What is your life showing you today? Blog~erapy writing is for you too!!

Gimmee' Life

Today I am five years old. Well, in Gimmee' years I am five. I can still remember the night that my #3 visited to share the most amazing news. And from that moment some of the focus of my life took on a new direction. I was told I was going to be a grandmother.

I have never been nominated for mom of the year, in any of my years as a mom. I took on my role as mom as serious as any mom could. But I think my kids would have enjoyed kid-hood a little better if I hadn't struggled so hard to get it all right. I am not really saying I was a horrible mom, but I definitely was not the favorite parent. I don't get to share great stories with them, or even not ever feel like I could have done so much better. I have however forgiven myself for not knowing how to do it better. I have some great memories and mom moments when I am sure I shined bright in my accomplishment, but the moments were fleeting. I can even remember one moment when my quick decisions and forceful nature most surely saved one of my kids life...but still no one really gives a mom the hero of the year award when she just does her job.

If you say I just did my job, well that would be enough. They are good people, two are great moms, and the others work on the uncle/aunt thing pretty amazingly. I got them to the brinks of adulthood, safe and with only one broken bone, a few stitches and minor glitches along the way amongst the five of them. I took more of a hands off approach in their later years, because I felt like it was the thing to do. There have been moments when I had to pat myself on the back when I saw their greatness and it made me think of a lesson, moment or even glimpse of the mom that I was for them.

But this Gimmee' gig is a pretty cool bi-product of stretch marks, morning sickness and all too serious mom syndrome. These two little girls came to my world when I needed them most. Their unconditional love and spectacular way of loving me, just for being me have made all the bad stuff of a sideways marriage and divorce seem almost worth it. The fun we have is timeless. They never seem to outgrow the fun we can whip up while cooking, coloring or just watching movies. They have given my napping chair a new life and have created art out of the most simple activities.

It was only a short time before news of number two being on the way and I realized my life would not only change, but it would be doubly bettered by these little humans coming to grace our lives.

I carefully selected an original grandmother name. Talked way too often about sonograms and pink stuff and how I would not even care now if my hair went to its all too natural gray. I am sure I wore every one I know out with all the baby talk and other stuff I kept on my facebook wall.

It really hasn't slowed down. I am still head over heels in love with Gimmee's girls. They are a bright spot in a very difficult life. I take every opportunity to spend time with them, even if have to steal the moments. I take mental snapshots of our days together, have even worked some regular appointments so they do not grow an inch without me being able to notice it.

I am in love with my 5 year Gimmee' life...

Happy 5th Birthday Payton --- you are a joy in my life!

I c

What are you looking for?

What are you looking for in your life? Do you want a new car? Is it a fitness program that is going to be the answer? Remodeling your kitchen? Each time you change a something to try and fix a feeling you are only busying yourself, when what you should do is quiet your mind and find you. The real you--the one that lives and wait for you to stop looking for other things, people or situations to declare you are finally happy.

If you have been seeking for awhile...and the last boyfriend wasn't it, the 16th new job didn't get it done, or the 3rd new town still found you feeling that icky a few months down the road, you are NOT going to find it in a purchase, relationship or geographical fix. You must find you so you can find your happy.

Do you think people who live in abject poverty don't laugh, smile or feel joy? You would be completely wrong. Real happiness cannot be found, purchased or fallen in love with. It is always available for you to choose.

Do the dance.....as they will---

Leave others to do---as they will.


We cannot control others, nor in my belief should we try. It is emotionally devastating to have someone withhold their love, words or other important human contact because they are angry. This lame attempt is the equivalent of a two year old tantrum to get their own way. Now this last comment does come with and addendum….---if you are busy creating havoc, intentional drama or otherwise having thoughts of “I will do this because it will hurt #theoneswelove”, then their stepping back cannot be considered your punishment but instead their right to have distance from the pain.

I am referring to the other dance. The I don't want you to go out with your friends cha cha, or the I want to change you tango. This little human dance that we do call the relationship waltz can be ever so tricky to master. Do I start with the “Im right so it’s right two step” or “Left on my own all bets are off boogie”.

By the way I never have really been a good dancer. In my relationship past I was a soft shoe. Always trying the egg shell shuffle to keep the peace, but wait, how the heck did we land in the metaphor dance class?
Well, it’s because as I stated before, this relationship thing is tricky. So I can either continue with all the tapping around the issue or get right down to the nitty gritty.

They hurt me…they trod in with their judgment and words and silence all at the same time and instantly I am overwhelmed and feeling the damage of the last 50 years. But let’s be real honest, that’s not really their fault or their problem. We each come to this dance class with two left feet at times, and there is not a lot else we can say or do. We get to choose which dance is for us and which is too complicated or fast, or slow or whatever.

I think too at some point we might just be thinking about it all too much. How hurt we have been, how fast we want to go, who might like us or more important, how could anyone like us?

Sometimes I would like to go back to the child like wonder of each new face was a potential new best friend. When seeing a new kid through the fence had the possibilities of being a relationship of a lifetime or over in 5minutes and either way it was all still just ok.

How did we get sucked into the “requirements” for a quality relationship trap? Every human interaction has value. Each time we get a wonderful hug or even an angry bird , the moments are there to teach us something. At the very least to show us a bit of ourselves and to like what is reflected in our actions or to grimace and ask—what the hell was that all about?
The truth as I see it is this. We are all trying to learn the dance. We all want to find some dance partners that will want to stay around and be the familiar routine on the floor we can get practiced up and keep doing. We seem to crave a history, story or drama to go along with each person we invite to stay, because we only think of this life as having value if it has more ticks.
What about those who only have the chance to share a breathe, a smile or a finger? Did that mean they meant more or less? I don’t think so. I am beginning to believe that what we really are working towards is a working relationship with ourselves. What we most want to find is a way to know that if we have to dance alone that it will still be worth putting on the shoes and the dress. We want to feel as though the words, smiles and yes even the fingers mattered if only to give the other person a piece of our history.

I also think that we are living in too big of a world to ever be successful at ruling out each toe stomper that comes along. And if we get even more real, when we start eliminating people because of this trait or that hang up, we will soon find not many people are left. We will find not only are we getting those drama seekers, hate mongers and sad sacks some distance, but we will also be removing ourselves from the opportunity of learning. Learning who we want to be. Seeking to find ways to grow past all those things that we don’t like in others are more times than not a part of who we are.

The gist of it is this…if something is rubbing us, it is showing up so we can grow past it. So we can go back and look for the shoes that don’t give us a blister, but we can still wear those that might not fit completely right, but look dang good on the dance floor.

If you find something is always setting you off, you are feeling the friction of people who are showing up, it’s not because you deserve to be rubbed the wrong way or the right way, it means you are still in the school of life. You are not meant to eliminate the other imperfect humans, nor are you to seek to make yourself perfect as if that will propel you into another more perfect race. This race is all there is…and the trick is to find a way to love yourself perfectly, as well as accept the imperfectness of others. When you begin to grow past those things that used to set you off into a in your own head conversation about they drama—d this and passive aggressived that, you are learning that you can control your own experience. You control not what happens to you, but what you do in response to it. What I believe we should be learning to do is communicate what we want and accepting that we can't always get what we want. But even more important is to realize that this superficial dance to win at everything really takes up a lot more time than necessary.

I am really trying to think of it more of an educational journey. The key to graduating to the next thing is to get all the lessons mastered so they don’t keep showing up. When I figured out the whole “Icreate my own reality thing” and took responsibility for all of it, I graduated to “purposeful creation”. When I began to get a passing grade in the relationship tango, I had to flunk a few humans so I could understand that working the problems meant stepping on the floor and some toes.
I am not quite sure which grade level I am in today…but I am pretty close to believing that many of the “follow the leader” levels are behind me. It really feels more like I might be moving into collegiate levels---but may need some remedial work in say…math. The whole one plus one equals H+H17 equation gets me every time.

The meaning of life is to live it. To love with all you have, even when it takes all you are to do it. It means to find those moments that make you smile, and smile in spite of the ones that make you cry. It is to become so complete within yourself that each human that you meet gets something from you even if they are sure that your interaction was to short to matter. What a matter is that we show up to dance, even if we step on all the toes or our toes are black and blue from the trying.
In the end of our days it will not matter how well we grammered our sentences, how neat our houses were or even how many people we did or did not have on our friends list. What matters will be the what we think matters.

But let me give you a few tango lessons, anytime you are worried more about someone elses dance than your own, you are never going to get the right steps. Every time you follow all the leaders you are forgetting to lead with your heart. At any time you are sure you have figured out all the moves, someone is going to change the music and the steps will no longer fit.
If you got up today and you were sure of everything you believe, that I am pretty sure you are wrong about it all. If you showed up today to dance and everyone else was swimming, I think you should jump in with your dress and shoes still on. If you ask me what I know for sure—I will tell you this…nothing. I know only that when this life is over, and I will have watched all those I loved and many I just encountered pass through my moments, then and only then will I get to know for sure. At that moment of transition I believe many people are going to say—well I’ll be…that was so not what I thought was for sure. If you can get up each day and think of the moments in front of you as a journey to the neighbors fence, to see if there are any new kids to be friends with and know that you really don’t know anything but go to it all with love, then you will be able to know…as they will.

Question every thing---

Love everyone—even if you have to struggle to do it
Hang on to nothing—because in the end your hand will be empty anyway
Treasure the gifts, but give more than you get
Or not…either way you go, it won’t be wrong, and you will get the answers you seek anyway.
Dance, don’t dance, sing, don’t sing…but know…each of those you see will do---as they will.

A message to the bullies in my life. Those who act like friends, but then when the opportunity shows itself for meanness you always show up. To those who pretend to be friends only to see my words and then use them against me. Poking fun at my beliefs, ridiculing that which I seek to accomplish and diminishing my dreams with others because you have no dreams of your own. This blog~erapy post is for you.

When you seek only to act with love, you find those who are loving. When you choose the path that is honorable and fulfills your personal mission, your steps become light and with a rhythm that echoes your heart. When you turn away from those who refuse to see your gifts, and at the same time you refuse to bow to their cruel taunting and jabs at your heart, you find a piece of yourself that is so strong, that no matter how hard they come, what mean words they use or stories they twist to fit the story which lies far from the truth, you become more sure of your truth.

I can only attract into my life that which I believe to be true. I still believe in bullies, wanna be impressers who stoop to cruelty to win favor. But your intentions are to undo and mine the opposite. So tear away because the world and I see you as you are....and wait while you create that which will only come back to visit you. Please keep attacking and seeking to pile against me, I only grow stronger, and everything is always working out for me. I will still be here when you pretend to be nice when no one is watching and I will cringe as your true venom is revealed in a group. Your integrity is non existent and you have lost the real part of yourself that would feel joy, accomplishment and peace. I am not angry, only hurt, but that will heal. Each time another brave soul seeks to be true to them-self you will lose your power because they will not be hammered into a version of their-self that suits you.

If you think no One hears your whispers and plotting then you are deaf. If you believe you intentions go unnoticed then you are mislead. If you think removing someone unjustly will somehow right your life-ship you are disconnected from the purpose of life. Smiling as those who sought to harm, discredit and disrupt, found that their schemes didn't quiet go as they had planned.

When will we ever learn that everyone has value, that someone gaining praise, does not mean insult to us? When will we ever be sure enough of our own place in this life that bullying those we perceive as weaker will be a thing of the past? When will we seek to honor life, instead of create hate?

Story after story recently has come to light. No one that I have ever known has been completely free from this horrible human habit. No one has ever seemed to be above it...even a time or two in my life I can admit I joined in. It does not bring me pride, only pushes me to find self forgiveness and seek to never let it happen again from me or another.

I accepted that not everyone is going to like me years ago, but often when the ugly shows up, it still does not go down easy. I guess I don't understand their dislike. If only there was a way to get them to say what their motive is. If only their words and actions would line up. If in their circle they could resolve their hate for others by acting to learn to love themselves. It must be a lonely lonely place to have so much hate inside for self that you learn only to hate others. It must be a horrible prison to see a viable use of your life account to waste the minutes hurting another human. A created life that is here for a purpose, maybe not unlike yours, or even as different from you as daylight to dark. But differences are the thing that makes life interesting, if you were all like me what fun would that be?

Can we just get along the famous words now that always bring a man named Rodney to mind. Like the current GREEN SHIRTS that scream " I am with Shea" or the single one that says "I am SHEA", why must we ever hear the horrible news of some other human treating someone as if they were less than. When we are all so much more than our physical appearance or challenges. When each person even the worse of any are here to teach us something. Why must we ever allow ugly bullying behavior to exist or go unpunished. I am waiting to hear the charges for those people who directed their meanness and a wonderful girl. I am so proud of her mom, for standing up. For giving it all she had to get the story told. For taking every opportunity to take this ugly super power of bullying and turn it into something great. A movement, a mass of green going after the offenders. But when they are caught, I hope we will refrain from becoming them. I hope we admonish them for their bad behavior, but then seek to be the voice of reason to help them heal and find forgiveness as well as a point in life to start over. We all deserve a second chance, even more if we learn a little slow how to live in peace, honor each other and grow with love.



I am hopeful to hear a best outcome for the story about SHEA, if you have not read it yet...you should. And then share any bullying story you have here and lets work on healing a few more hurts...ok?

No chasing for me...action, accept the response, moving on~~careful editing can be such a joy.

Working on a day off surely means I love what I do...

Discerning when its time to stop working at something, a relationship, a goal, a choice, surely means I understand why I do all that I do.

Appreciating even the lessons that I don't really like means I get to enjoy all that I do.

Yea....that's my Sunday...back to editing.

Why must we have a leader?

Recently I was given the most amazing opportunity to be a part of a very exclusive training called the Georgetown University Leadership Academy. Not only was I very honored to have been selected to represent my community, I was a bit floored as to all that this would mean for me. In the years since the academy was founded only 2,000 have attended and become alumni. An annual gathering is held each July for those who took the education, processes and self change back to the community to come back together and share what this event has meant in their own life. I was not even a bit disappointed to find out this was not your ordinary little seminar where the very nice instructors give you tips and hints on how to do your job a little better. I don't even for second want to compare this life changing week to anything that small.

This mind warp of instructional information was trans formative. I went thinking I was going to be addressing issues that i have had at work, with others and in some situations in my life. What I came home with was an utterly humbling understanding that the only blocks in my leadership were me. Kinda of a jagged little pill...but I so needed the medicine.

Over the last 17 years I have been on catch up journey. I had gotten sidetracked in my early life and went down a path that was not only self destructive, but it was me who gave my power to someone who never had any part of my heart, well being or dreams even on their radar let alone giving a shit what I wanted. The other person was and still is so very self centered, but that's now what this is about. That time in my life was my choice, I gave my power away and standing on any corner and screaming things were unfair is not only wrong, it's downright stupid.

It's still very hard for me to talk about the systemic change in me, but also a little hard to convey how this will change the way I work towards change in my own job, community and personal life.

If anyone every comes to you and says "Hey you should go to this academy from Georgetown U--" don't even think about it...just add my voice to the should and sign up. It will teach you so much about leadership, but the most important stuff you will learn will be about you. I highly recommend it for anyone working in a service system position.

Why must we have a leader? Because it is only through the vision of one or many that life moves up the ladder of better for all, equal and fair, one nation under God, indivisible with liberty and justice...not even kidding.

Redundant

If you ask me if you can ask me a question, isn't it true that you in fact have already asked me a question? And what if I say no? Isn't it true that I already answered a question and therefore I lied because I did let you ask me a question? Redundancy is such a turn off--

Gifts are in the understanding

The greatest part of self discovery, acknowledging lessons and loving life is understanding. I no longer have to worry about doubting myself because I understand there are no wrong answers. I understand that what ever has happened is past, and I can decide what I will hang onto, choose to let go of, and discern the stories I will tell of my history. I am no longer a victim of the coulda, woulda, shouldas--I accept the decisions, appreciate the gifts and forgive anything in between. Its not a popular way to live, but that doesn't keep me from wishing it for others. If I feel guilt it is usually temporary. If I make a mistake, its only a part of the story, because the end result always contains elements of good. I see so many who are telling the story as it was, but I choose to tell the story as it is. There is no real shame unless we decide to feel it. There is no reason to ever dwell on any emotion unless it is joy. Feelings are not facts, they are present to guide us back to finding our happy, we never never never are deserving of a bad feeling, and it is not our just destination. We don't grow by feeling bad, shameful or guilty. Those are feelings we were told we should feel, because we are not perfect. The opposite is true. Those feelings happen because we are out of alignment with our true self. Our life path is as smooth or as bumpy as our decisions set it up to be. We are in pain, self loathing or turmoil because we do not accept that we have chosen where we ended up. I used to say I didn't choose all the drama, but allowing someone else to make decisions for me was still my decision!! Personal responsibility for where my life is means I also get to choose where it goes. I have days where I feel all of the old emotions, but I also recognize the triggers and am working on hiding those buttons from the ones who show up to push them. Forgiving myself and letting go of the ugly stories means that I am present and available to start over when ever someone who has been angry, resentful or grudge filled shows up to star over. The other amazing part of this awareness is knowing that the people I need to reach my happy will always show up to help. But if I am focusing on feeling bad, deciding that I deserve misery, or choosing to accept ickiness as what has to happen, those people will show up too! Thank you Tim--my life class with you changed my life--and even though some will say,"there is no way you can be that happy" the truth is--I am. I don't have it all, but believe as I work towards my true self I will...and find more happy as I go along, because can choose what shows up and I choose the good stuff.

Dear Mamaw,

I often reread this letter to you...tonight as I sat working on a book, a children's book and play I thought of you, and looked for this letter and wanted so much for you to be able to read it. You left us too soon, I remember getting the call the day before I was to see you that year on Mother's Day. I remember wishing that someone had called me the day before to let me know you were not doing well, and how I wished I could have hugged you and said one more time "I love you more" and seen your beautiful smile as you said it back to me...MORE! I will forever miss you, but I know that you were a wonderful influence in my life and that I carry you with me always.

I love you more Mamaw,

Dear Mamaw,

I can’t even tell you how many times during a week I think about you. I remember and share about the weeks I would get to spend one on one time with you in the summers. I remember all the things you taught me. Crocheting, when I was so young that I didn’t even know I shouldn’t be able to do it. I remember so many times creating creatures, doll clothes and so many other fun things without even a pattern…or before even knowing what a pattern was. I remember sewing lessons, quilting and so many other crafty things you taught me to do.

I remember the weekly shopping trips when I was visiting you in the summer, and how amazing I thought it was that the store clerks knew your name and were so happy to see you and help you with your needs. I remember the little gifts you would let me get at the local stores…especially a little tea set that I had for years.

I remember how every time I would walk into your house there would be something wonderful cooking or cooling and waiting for us to taste. I remember the way that you always made me feel so important and how I was always sure that I was your favorite grandkid. Actually several years ago when all of your grands were together we had a pretty heated discussion about how ALL of us thought we were the favorite!!

I remember holidays with all the family gathering at your home and how it always seemed like you were the glue that kept us together…and now that you are gone from us, I am more than sure that you were.
I remember even after I was “grown” the times that you were there for me sending me something I needed or just opening your home for an extended visit.

I want to thank you most for the example you set as a wonderful caring woman. Your life is an example of how one can live without complaining, without talking about others in a disparaging way and how when you are generous to others with love and time, you remain in their hearts forever.

For all these things and for all you were to all of us, I thank you.

~pam

S-T-R-E-T-C-H

Growing is always a stretching of what we know, who we think we are and what we see in the world...
S T R E T C H I N G feels good--that is all.

It would seem the lessons in life create a theme or series of circumstances that lead to growth. In appreciation for this latest round of difficulties, I have been gifted a month of the most amazing new opportunities, answers to some mysteries and healing both physically and emotionally. I also got one lesson so well that I smiled at my anger.

I also have several new relationships with amazing new friends, some I have been missing have popped in to spend a little catch up time, and a others who always seem to be present making their presence known in a bigger way. I don't feel pressure to perform or even fear of failing. I speak only of truth, even in the face of anger and attack, I still speak my truth.

I have lost the fear of the past, or actually most of all fears have left me. I no longer worry if you will like me, but celebrate in the moments when you say you do! I have lost the need to make new friends to replace any lost, but new ones come to me easily and without more effort than reaching out. I have left behind the things that used to keep me twisted up. The feeling that I am not good enough, cannot do enough, cannot get enough to feel that I am enough. I am enough. I am precious and wonderfully created. I experience the joy of almost each moment and even when I am stretched beyond my joy, I find joy in the stretching.

I seek only to share with others this path to peace. I don't feel the need to force someone to find it, or even worry that they have not. I have nothing more than a twinge of sadness when I recognize the sadness in others, then I move on to say a message of prayer for them to find what they seek and accept even if what they seek is the drama I have left behind.

I listen to those who have more of what I want, and hear most those who know what I wish to see in my reality. I love any and all who cross my path, even when they are caught up in a action that reeks of no self love. Their dislike for themselves surely feels as a call for me to fix or change, but only for a moment and then I remember it is not my damage to repair. I also realize that living a life that is love centered and peace directed, I serve as an example of where life can be a joy. It is up to each person to find the path most pleasing and only if they choose.

I still from time to time will issue a prayer to make someone softer and gentler when interacting with me and if they choose over and over again to be abrasive, I pray for them to be removed from my reality. It still is a bit of a mystery to me how removing the anger from my reaction and sending and feeling only love for those who are in obvious pain and sharing hurt, removes their opportunity to hurt or attack my life.

In the most utter appreciation for the spiritual learning of the last few days, I share in hopes that someone else may find this as an opportunity to seek peace.

I also shared recently a remembering of the path to peace from an extreme drama centered life. I thought at moments traveling the path towards peace that I would lose my mind. Because the habit of accepting, creating and living through drama felt so alive, although painful and tear filled...to me this path felt alive. So traveling to peace often gifted me days where the feeling of quiet and calm felt alone, sad or even forgotten. I had to learn to focus on a different way of living, and path that is about loving self and others, a practice of forgiving all perceived harms instead of replaying them for dramatic effect.

I have come to understand that much of my previous life was fear based. I was afraid people would not like me if I didn't do things for them. I had given up my choices and allowed someone to control and punish me. I was lost in fear. The lessons showed up for me to face down my fears...some really hard lessons. Losing a home, losing friends, losing a marriage, losing a job were all moments that I had to come from focusing on the fear that then brought to be. I grew to understand they fears were brought to my reality because I kept focusing on them. I was going through them with the fear being so real, but then coming to understand that even in these most feared events, I also got gifts and love and understanding from all those who were loving me in spite of myself. Even more than just surviving, I went through finding joy and appreciation for each of the pain filled paths.

I have learned that if I want to be well, that I must focus on being well. I have come to see that if I want to feel love, that I must focus on what love means to me. I now see that if peace is important I spotlight all that shows up and helps to create peace in my life. I focus on what I see as right and try not to ever see anything as wrong. It simply is what it is for right now. I try to find things I like about me instead of seeking things to hate or change.

Over the last week I also had moments and memories that reminded me why living a fear based life leaves us to find more to fear. Its a self fulfilling prophesy. The more we speak what is true the more of that truth we will see. It is a bit of a trick to look at each thing and not get hung up on the "WHAT IS"....even one friend recently said "BUT its the truth and I do not want to lie" I told her you do not have to lie, you just have to start focusing on the part of the truth you want to see. If you were made less sad, then that is closer to happy than to repeat that you were ever sad--see the change? The emotion is the same, but the way you choose to acknowledge it opens the pathway to more positive energy, which will bring more positive energy reality moments.

I have seen relationships healed and severed, and I have found something to be grateful for in each. I have witnessed it often in my life and I am convinced I am responsible for all that I see...simply by choosing how to see it. The energy surrounding the emotions are the creative force for the next thing, experience and or lesson.

Painting myself into a corner

It's always good to ask ourselves why?

Why do we believe the way we do-
Why do we refuse to change what is not working-
Why do we allow others to hurt or continue damage in our lives-
Why do we fear that which could bring us peace-

My lesson for today is to not accept anything as status quo. If anything is feeling troublesome, making me anxious or just irritating me, it's time to ask myself why.

When we do accept it as our lot in life, the pain we deserve or accept that we are being punished,we then decide and choose what we have always done and we choose to stay stuck in our yesterdays.

Think of it like this...always picking the same thing is like painting yourself into a corner...because that's how you have always painted the floor.

Many years ago my mentor made a suggestion, he felt like I was holding on to too many "but I have always dones" and it was time to break some of those routine actions, thoughts and beliefs to help me move forward a bit more in my life class.

It was amazing! Things as simple as how I brushed my teeth and changing which hand I used and which side I started on to the time of day I brushed them started opening up little cracks in the hard line brain function.

I began to question so many of my habits and why I had them. I started to see how so much of my programming was not even from some conscious decision but rather some part of a tape I never remember recording. It was like getting a ctrl/alt/delete to my hard drive.

It was a simple exercise that I started applying to all areas of my life. I then was listening to a speaker and he relayed story about trapping ourselves by our repetitive thoughts and behaviors. I started thinking about changing more and more and felt as if I was growing by leaps and bounds. I began to put aside all the things I thought I was sure of and reexamine all those beliefs until I could find the answers for me and my life path. It was an altering like no other thing in my life had ever brought. I could literally feel changes happening in my happiness levels, my ability to feel joy and most importantly could open my mind to understand so much more about universal forces and the real workings of life.

I won't tell you it was easy, in fact it was one of the hardest times in my life. It also sent me down a path that brought much more heart ache and losses. But no thing ever taken away ever leaves a space not filled. It allowed spaces in my heart, my thoughts and my beliefs to be filled with things that rang true for me...not just what others told me. It allowed me to develop a type of lie detector. For some reason when you go searching for your personal answers and reconcile so many of the unanswered things, life kinda gives you gifts in return.

The gift of insight. I can often see a decision and the outcome almost at the same time. It removes the anxiety because there is a knowing and even if I am not sure I have also learned that no problem comes to us without their being an answer or skills to deal with the changes the upset it brings.

The gift of honesty. One of my most favorites is not only being able to live within honesty, it gives me an uncanny sense that helps me discern the honesty in other situations. My red flags go off and while I may never be sure, many times the truth is revealed and I get to see how close to right my instincts were.

The loss of fear. This is a big gift! If you don't think fear can be a damaging fact of life, just try and think of one or more things that makes you feel fearful. How many times to you sit and find a worry spot over something that might happen, but often it doesn't. Likewise how many times have you used your fearful thoughts to help create the thing you most feared would happen. This is not some strange occurrence. We are each capable with our thoughts to help bring about situations in our lives that give us opportunities to choose the path we want. We can help these things along with joy or fear...whichever we choose. Losing fear means that one understands the frailness of life, and all the things that can go wrong, but instead of allowing fear to direct my life and my thoughts I seek to see the good in all things even to some degree losing the words right and wrong, good or bad and just relying on being in the now and what is, is what is. It holds no connotation. Everything is just and opportunity to solve the next puzzle, enjoy the next adventure and come to the understanding that this human life has an expiration date. The end.

Finally the loss of regrets. Finding that each situation in my life was in some way created by me, for me, allows me to always see that I could have made better choices. I am able at any given moment to step away from someone creating harm or drama in my life, and say this is not for me. This lesson has already been learned and I choose to step away while you play in it all you want. I do not make the choice with anger or any emotion. It is simply my decision to find peace, even if I have to move in a direction those who do not see the value in this lifestyle cannot or will not follow.

Life was not designed to be a path of temptations, tribulations and trials. It was meant to give us the opportunity to be fully alive and seek the path of happy, joyful, loving moments. Understanding that our choices can bring the other stuff, but giving it no more credence than any of the other emotions, it just a momentary change in our emotional state and does not have to be a life long suffering, if we recognize it, feel it, understand how we helped to create it and then find the path away from it and back to our heart smile.

Getting out in front of our pains and problems is not magic, although it can sometimes feel a bit like it is. It simply means that when you are faced with any choice you do a bit of self awareness...ask a few questions and then move forward. You get to decide what those questions are, and how you answer them. I could give you my list, but then, they are the questions that work for me. They have come to be my math questions to get the answers that I want in life. Do all the choices I am making life = Peace-Joy-Happy and if not...what can I choose instead so my answer it what I want?

There is no have-to in this process. The truth of it is as I see it that when the last breath has left your physical self you will get all the answers. You will be able to see the choices, learn from the pain and see another way to paint your floor. You will wake up in the spiritual ever after and say one of two things..."Well shoot--that could have gone better" or "So glad I figured that all out". Either way God Lives through us as us...quoting Eat,Pray,Love. I believe this to be true because I feel the presence daily, and I found a better way to paint my floor.

This might be a little off my normal topic...but worthy of the writing just the same...here kitty, kitty, kitty!!

Recently I have been made aware of many groups of animal lovers who are screaming for local shelters including ours to to become a no-kill agency. And while I absolutely love the idea of no person ever having to be the one who issues a euthanasia order or carries one out, there is one major point that many of the animal lovers are forgetting...or even maybe a few.

So please hear this...we as a country do not have an ANIMAL CONTROL PROBLEM. Most communities of any size have some type of shelter or program that deals with strays and unwanted animals. But they are not anything more than a control center. Cities are challenged to meet the needs and safety measures for their human residents...and by challenged I mean, they are fighting the downturn of the economy just like the rest of us. So they are asking their employees of each department to do more, with less. They are struggling to maintain a quality of life for the well being of all those who live within their borders.

The problem that our cities have is a human control problem. We all have neighbors who are irresponsible pet owners. They allow their pets to breed but have no intention of homing and caring for the many puppies or kittens their pet creates each year. They simply try to sell them or give them away, without using any type of consideration on where or with whom their pets offspring will reside. They feel that pets have the right to breed as given them by their creator. But please when you use this as an excuse to not spay or neuter your pets you are forgetting one major point about the reproductive life of a cat or dog. Before domestication when animals fought to survive in the wild the chances of a full litter getting to adulthood was much slimmer than the present day critters who live in your shelter, are protected from disease and predators and in general live as well as their owners.

Also if you were to spend a day in any shelter in our country, you would be shocked at the number of well groomed, sometimes full blood and loved animals who are RELEASED by their owners due to a life change. When the push comes to shove of life, hard choices must be made and lets face it a pet is a luxury. They also feel as if they give it to the shelter hopefully someone will come along and give it a home.

I challenge you to just spend one day walking in the shoes of an animal control officer. It's not really a fun or glamorous job. They have to deal with irate irresponsible pet owners who don't understand why it's a problem that their pit bull was out of it's yard yet again...chasing everyone's mail man or the kid riding his bike to school. They have to make the calls on those owners who never seem to remember that a dog needs water, food and shelter at all times, not just when it is convenient.

They have to go and peel the remains of animals off the highways and city streets so that we don't have to see or smell them as we take our afternoon stroll with our cute little puppy on his leash.

I believe we do not have an animal control problem. We have narrow minded pet owners who agree to see the right to have a pet as the only part of responsible pet ownership.

So the next time you get on any soap box on what your city should do, unless you are willing to write the check to make the change, I really encourage you to walk a mile in the shoes of those who have to handle the problem that exists. A problem that has very little to do with the cute puppy or your third litter of kittens this year...it is a human problem.

Do the math...

Pet ownership costs -
pet 0 to $1000
food up to $50 a month
vaccinations $100
Spay or nueter $65
shelter, etc...as much as you choose to spend.

Now you multiply this by the many hundreds of unwanted, abandoned or released animals in a city of 29 thousand people....

If just each person owns one, that is the potential for the city to have to deal with 29 thousand pets....but wait, you have to consider that these pets "have the right to reproduce" and see the next math problem.

How many cats will you have in 9 years...the average life of a sweet little pet kitty?



I know each of the animal control employees in our city. They are good and committed employees. They are governed by the laws and ordinances of YOUR city. They are required to follow the rules that you as citizens have either played a part in creating or ignored because you didn't think it pertained to you. They have compassion, work hard to place as many of the animals as they can. I have even seen some of them tear up because their choices were limited by the resources your tax dollars barely provide. I have volunteered, fostered and participated in events trying to make the situation better...but I haven't seen any of those screaming for a no kill shelter ever when I have been there.

I feel that instead of attacking those who have been doing the job for years, throwing insults at honest and caring humans, or even choosing to feel only for the animals in this situation you should try to be part of the solution. By that I mean work for it. Write the check that covers each animal in need. Build a bigger shelter so that when all the cages are full, we can just add more...oh and do you know how much a state qualified pen costs?

I love my pet, cry when one passes away, wish I could have and be able to care of many more...but I am being responsible and taking care of the ONE that I have, who is nuetered...and always in the yard or on a leash when outside.

Someone told me the other day, that "a certain someone" that we both know doesn't like me very much. I had to giggle, first because they felt the need to tell me...second, because I am not even a little bit sad about someone not liking me. Let's face it, I'm not really very normal, have a pretty loud and obnoxious laugh, and don't really give a rip when someone doesn't like me.

My self confidence is huge...and my self forgiveness is always available for me to say sorry. I choose not to offend, nor to be offended...by others issues, mistakes, words or drama.

Everyday I am grateful for the life lessons that have lead me to here. Each moment I am free from the things that used to twist me up on the inside I am aware of my gifts. I accept the disregard of those who cannot see or who cannot hear what I share because they are not at a space/time to be aware. I don't share to change, fix or even help. I write for me...the lessons are important and if it helps someone else, raises their vibration, assists with the letting go of one more thing holding them back...then that's just a glorious bonus.

My intention is to live this life, appreciate all that I am given and love those who grace my path. My focus is to be what I most want to see in my life...peace, love, gratitude, joy and fun...lots and lots of fun.

I turn away from sadness at my losses, because I have some to understand that some may never be on this path, does not make mine better or theirs worse....each person gets to their destination on their own terms. I understand that in letting go that which is destined to leave, only opens space for what is next. All stories must end, all chapters lead to another, and each is worth reading.

I wish only that each finds that which they seek, feels all that they are promised and sees what life was meant to be for each child of the universe...it looks pretty cool from these seats.