So there have been numerous conversations about our shared history. But it's so funny when someone sees things in a totally different way then how you remember it. I'm talking about one of my kids...well actually she is my best friend now and the wonderful mother to one of the most amazing grandbabies in the whole world--oh sorry got a little carried away---back to my original thought. I'm talking about my Nicci. From day one she was the most amazing child and has always been such a joy and an amazing teacher. If you want to learn how to be a parent, all I can say is she did a pretty good job raising me. She is the reason that I had more kids, she is the reason that there are days I feel like a success as a parent. She is a wonderful compass to normal and she never fails to forgive my shortcomings.
I had not a clue how to raise my kids, but I think she was my first so I could be better with the other four. We have always been close, and that connection just gets closer and closer everyday. She and I are sharing a home, or should I say she and her family and I. Some changes that were going on and a looming date of having to sign a new lease, lead me to take her up on her offer to share a home. I was living alone and not really liking it much and well it all worked out.
Sometimes the venting sessions we have are so healing. Sometimes its her turn, sometimes its mine or sometimes it is ours about our shared history. On one recent occassion I was talking about how stable our lives have become since making a change in direction and personel. Understanding that the life path we were on together was not working for me and probably had never been a great match, was a tough lesson. But where my life has led me has brought me so much joy and friends and peace....so it was all to the good.
There were at least 31moves---in 27 years...but some of them might have escaped my memory. They were usually brought on by a bad decision, but that never changed the fact that we HAD to move. The kids were in numerous schools, losing friends, changing everything over and over again. But the compliment that she gave me was this..."the compliment--Gee mom, evertime we moved, even on those days we came home from school thinking we were gonna have a peanut butter sandwich and do homework, only to find half our stuff already boxed up and hear we are moving, it always just seemed like an adventure." Even as I type it here, it makes my eyes tear to hear her memory of those difficult times.
She just does not know anything about how angry I was that it was all put on me to get it all done...except for the last few. I had given up trying to make them work and work at a job too...so the last few I just told the person creating the change that it was his choice so he could be responsible for making it happen. It was those acts of allowing the responsibility on who was making the choices that got me labled as lazy, and a few other choice words. There came a day when I finally said-"..move anywhere you like, but I'm done" and I stayed put--well at least in the same county.
In the early days I would come up with fun ways to make the kids think it was a game and we would play music and sing and whatever else I could think of to distract them. Often I really never had much notice about the looming geographical fix...it was just kind of announced..."WE ARE MOVING". The box gathering was even fun...and you cannot believe how good they got at dumpster diving.
My friend Tim helped me so much---and once after I had cried over the last move and shared about how upset I was to have lost contact with all my friends, and him too....he asked me "Do you realize how gifted and amazing you are that you have been able to keep up with all this havoc and upheaval? Do you even know what a skill it is to move with 3-4 or even 5 kids, with little to no resources?" he continued to turn my thoughts to the positive by adding..."you have kept everyone together, moving all the essentials and as well as keeping the family intact emotionally. You were a magician of sorts...making it all come back together, in a travel trailer, or someone elses house or where ever he would have you land."
I had always seen my life as a failure, job after job, change after change, loss after loss---only to see that those lessons would lead to skills that help me in handling so many of lifes challenges today. My brain works fast, and sees a solution to most crisis points without even a hiccup. I can see the route around a problem and do it with poise and calm. I dont say that to brag but only to be grateful in some form for those crazy times when life was so not like it is now!
The stability that is the framework of my days at home, work and everywere else keeps me calm. I rarely ever get ruffled feathers and if I ever do, its not long before I get past whatever the drama is. The ramifications of all the changes will be felt for years in the kids lives. How many diferent schools did they attend? How many changes in friends, zip codes....well just everything. How many changes in the job story, how many lost friends, and how much pain?
Now I hope you understand that I am not talking about the normal process of moving...although it can be traumatic on a child....it is something most kids can rebound from because of the stability that is in place before and after the move. I am refering to a different type of relocation. There is one time I remember that the repo man was there to repossess the car I had just loaded all the kids and their underwear and clothing in. I had no idea that the payments had not been made, but was brought up to speed real fast.
Im still not sure how we ended up after each disaster in one piece, but somehow I got it done. And every single time, I managed to help create the rebound, the restart, the do-over. I did that! And did it well enough that the memories the kids now share and relate is that --it was always an adventure. Of course I never wanted or tried to let them see the tears, the fears, the shame in where our failures were. I kept them away from the evictions, and bad things as much as possible. I did that.
I was reminded that being able to create a happy home is an art, and keeping a somewhat normal life for my kids amongst all of the chaos nothing short of magic or a miracle. The best part of all--they are all pretty happy, well adjusted and functioning adults...although the jury remains out on the 13 year old...but all signs are good.
It's not always often that someone can look back on life and change the way they see things...but Tim gave that gift to me. He helped me see things in a way that took away most of the pain that had hung on to my memories for what seemed like forever. Now I can remember traveling on the next adventures road with my kids and be grateful for my strengths. I loose more and more of anger and regrets of the past, because I know all those lessons brought me to here.
There are still days where unecessary drama and juvenille games make me tired and breathes new breathe to my drama queen. But I dont let her out to play for long. And on most days when she shows up I understand completely that it is a sign that something needs to change. I get so weary of people who say things never will, but then they really don't know my history. They have little knowledge of the power of directed change that I have experienced. They are stuck in the way its always been world and are accepting that people can't or won't move forward. But I am here to tell you I have lived through some scary stuff, and I am not scared, even in the slightest of change. As a matter of fact, whenever someone tells me I can't change it, I only need to think back at all I have done, and know it ain't no big thing for me...it's just the next move, or adventure. And when it is all said and done...thats how they will see it too!
No comments:
Post a Comment