No chasing for me...action, accept the response, moving on~~careful editing can be such a joy.

Working on a day off surely means I love what I do...

Discerning when its time to stop working at something, a relationship, a goal, a choice, surely means I understand why I do all that I do.

Appreciating even the lessons that I don't really like means I get to enjoy all that I do.

Yea....that's my Sunday...back to editing.

Why must we have a leader?

Recently I was given the most amazing opportunity to be a part of a very exclusive training called the Georgetown University Leadership Academy. Not only was I very honored to have been selected to represent my community, I was a bit floored as to all that this would mean for me. In the years since the academy was founded only 2,000 have attended and become alumni. An annual gathering is held each July for those who took the education, processes and self change back to the community to come back together and share what this event has meant in their own life. I was not even a bit disappointed to find out this was not your ordinary little seminar where the very nice instructors give you tips and hints on how to do your job a little better. I don't even for second want to compare this life changing week to anything that small.

This mind warp of instructional information was trans formative. I went thinking I was going to be addressing issues that i have had at work, with others and in some situations in my life. What I came home with was an utterly humbling understanding that the only blocks in my leadership were me. Kinda of a jagged little pill...but I so needed the medicine.

Over the last 17 years I have been on catch up journey. I had gotten sidetracked in my early life and went down a path that was not only self destructive, but it was me who gave my power to someone who never had any part of my heart, well being or dreams even on their radar let alone giving a shit what I wanted. The other person was and still is so very self centered, but that's now what this is about. That time in my life was my choice, I gave my power away and standing on any corner and screaming things were unfair is not only wrong, it's downright stupid.

It's still very hard for me to talk about the systemic change in me, but also a little hard to convey how this will change the way I work towards change in my own job, community and personal life.

If anyone every comes to you and says "Hey you should go to this academy from Georgetown U--" don't even think about it...just add my voice to the should and sign up. It will teach you so much about leadership, but the most important stuff you will learn will be about you. I highly recommend it for anyone working in a service system position.

Why must we have a leader? Because it is only through the vision of one or many that life moves up the ladder of better for all, equal and fair, one nation under God, indivisible with liberty and justice...not even kidding.

Redundant

If you ask me if you can ask me a question, isn't it true that you in fact have already asked me a question? And what if I say no? Isn't it true that I already answered a question and therefore I lied because I did let you ask me a question? Redundancy is such a turn off--

Gifts are in the understanding

The greatest part of self discovery, acknowledging lessons and loving life is understanding. I no longer have to worry about doubting myself because I understand there are no wrong answers. I understand that what ever has happened is past, and I can decide what I will hang onto, choose to let go of, and discern the stories I will tell of my history. I am no longer a victim of the coulda, woulda, shouldas--I accept the decisions, appreciate the gifts and forgive anything in between. Its not a popular way to live, but that doesn't keep me from wishing it for others. If I feel guilt it is usually temporary. If I make a mistake, its only a part of the story, because the end result always contains elements of good. I see so many who are telling the story as it was, but I choose to tell the story as it is. There is no real shame unless we decide to feel it. There is no reason to ever dwell on any emotion unless it is joy. Feelings are not facts, they are present to guide us back to finding our happy, we never never never are deserving of a bad feeling, and it is not our just destination. We don't grow by feeling bad, shameful or guilty. Those are feelings we were told we should feel, because we are not perfect. The opposite is true. Those feelings happen because we are out of alignment with our true self. Our life path is as smooth or as bumpy as our decisions set it up to be. We are in pain, self loathing or turmoil because we do not accept that we have chosen where we ended up. I used to say I didn't choose all the drama, but allowing someone else to make decisions for me was still my decision!! Personal responsibility for where my life is means I also get to choose where it goes. I have days where I feel all of the old emotions, but I also recognize the triggers and am working on hiding those buttons from the ones who show up to push them. Forgiving myself and letting go of the ugly stories means that I am present and available to start over when ever someone who has been angry, resentful or grudge filled shows up to star over. The other amazing part of this awareness is knowing that the people I need to reach my happy will always show up to help. But if I am focusing on feeling bad, deciding that I deserve misery, or choosing to accept ickiness as what has to happen, those people will show up too! Thank you Tim--my life class with you changed my life--and even though some will say,"there is no way you can be that happy" the truth is--I am. I don't have it all, but believe as I work towards my true self I will...and find more happy as I go along, because can choose what shows up and I choose the good stuff.

Dear Mamaw,

I often reread this letter to you...tonight as I sat working on a book, a children's book and play I thought of you, and looked for this letter and wanted so much for you to be able to read it. You left us too soon, I remember getting the call the day before I was to see you that year on Mother's Day. I remember wishing that someone had called me the day before to let me know you were not doing well, and how I wished I could have hugged you and said one more time "I love you more" and seen your beautiful smile as you said it back to me...MORE! I will forever miss you, but I know that you were a wonderful influence in my life and that I carry you with me always.

I love you more Mamaw,

Dear Mamaw,

I can’t even tell you how many times during a week I think about you. I remember and share about the weeks I would get to spend one on one time with you in the summers. I remember all the things you taught me. Crocheting, when I was so young that I didn’t even know I shouldn’t be able to do it. I remember so many times creating creatures, doll clothes and so many other fun things without even a pattern…or before even knowing what a pattern was. I remember sewing lessons, quilting and so many other crafty things you taught me to do.

I remember the weekly shopping trips when I was visiting you in the summer, and how amazing I thought it was that the store clerks knew your name and were so happy to see you and help you with your needs. I remember the little gifts you would let me get at the local stores…especially a little tea set that I had for years.

I remember how every time I would walk into your house there would be something wonderful cooking or cooling and waiting for us to taste. I remember the way that you always made me feel so important and how I was always sure that I was your favorite grandkid. Actually several years ago when all of your grands were together we had a pretty heated discussion about how ALL of us thought we were the favorite!!

I remember holidays with all the family gathering at your home and how it always seemed like you were the glue that kept us together…and now that you are gone from us, I am more than sure that you were.
I remember even after I was “grown” the times that you were there for me sending me something I needed or just opening your home for an extended visit.

I want to thank you most for the example you set as a wonderful caring woman. Your life is an example of how one can live without complaining, without talking about others in a disparaging way and how when you are generous to others with love and time, you remain in their hearts forever.

For all these things and for all you were to all of us, I thank you.

~pam

S-T-R-E-T-C-H

Growing is always a stretching of what we know, who we think we are and what we see in the world...
S T R E T C H I N G feels good--that is all.

It would seem the lessons in life create a theme or series of circumstances that lead to growth. In appreciation for this latest round of difficulties, I have been gifted a month of the most amazing new opportunities, answers to some mysteries and healing both physically and emotionally. I also got one lesson so well that I smiled at my anger.

I also have several new relationships with amazing new friends, some I have been missing have popped in to spend a little catch up time, and a others who always seem to be present making their presence known in a bigger way. I don't feel pressure to perform or even fear of failing. I speak only of truth, even in the face of anger and attack, I still speak my truth.

I have lost the fear of the past, or actually most of all fears have left me. I no longer worry if you will like me, but celebrate in the moments when you say you do! I have lost the need to make new friends to replace any lost, but new ones come to me easily and without more effort than reaching out. I have left behind the things that used to keep me twisted up. The feeling that I am not good enough, cannot do enough, cannot get enough to feel that I am enough. I am enough. I am precious and wonderfully created. I experience the joy of almost each moment and even when I am stretched beyond my joy, I find joy in the stretching.

I seek only to share with others this path to peace. I don't feel the need to force someone to find it, or even worry that they have not. I have nothing more than a twinge of sadness when I recognize the sadness in others, then I move on to say a message of prayer for them to find what they seek and accept even if what they seek is the drama I have left behind.

I listen to those who have more of what I want, and hear most those who know what I wish to see in my reality. I love any and all who cross my path, even when they are caught up in a action that reeks of no self love. Their dislike for themselves surely feels as a call for me to fix or change, but only for a moment and then I remember it is not my damage to repair. I also realize that living a life that is love centered and peace directed, I serve as an example of where life can be a joy. It is up to each person to find the path most pleasing and only if they choose.

I still from time to time will issue a prayer to make someone softer and gentler when interacting with me and if they choose over and over again to be abrasive, I pray for them to be removed from my reality. It still is a bit of a mystery to me how removing the anger from my reaction and sending and feeling only love for those who are in obvious pain and sharing hurt, removes their opportunity to hurt or attack my life.

In the most utter appreciation for the spiritual learning of the last few days, I share in hopes that someone else may find this as an opportunity to seek peace.

I also shared recently a remembering of the path to peace from an extreme drama centered life. I thought at moments traveling the path towards peace that I would lose my mind. Because the habit of accepting, creating and living through drama felt so alive, although painful and tear filled...to me this path felt alive. So traveling to peace often gifted me days where the feeling of quiet and calm felt alone, sad or even forgotten. I had to learn to focus on a different way of living, and path that is about loving self and others, a practice of forgiving all perceived harms instead of replaying them for dramatic effect.

I have come to understand that much of my previous life was fear based. I was afraid people would not like me if I didn't do things for them. I had given up my choices and allowed someone to control and punish me. I was lost in fear. The lessons showed up for me to face down my fears...some really hard lessons. Losing a home, losing friends, losing a marriage, losing a job were all moments that I had to come from focusing on the fear that then brought to be. I grew to understand they fears were brought to my reality because I kept focusing on them. I was going through them with the fear being so real, but then coming to understand that even in these most feared events, I also got gifts and love and understanding from all those who were loving me in spite of myself. Even more than just surviving, I went through finding joy and appreciation for each of the pain filled paths.

I have learned that if I want to be well, that I must focus on being well. I have come to see that if I want to feel love, that I must focus on what love means to me. I now see that if peace is important I spotlight all that shows up and helps to create peace in my life. I focus on what I see as right and try not to ever see anything as wrong. It simply is what it is for right now. I try to find things I like about me instead of seeking things to hate or change.

Over the last week I also had moments and memories that reminded me why living a fear based life leaves us to find more to fear. Its a self fulfilling prophesy. The more we speak what is true the more of that truth we will see. It is a bit of a trick to look at each thing and not get hung up on the "WHAT IS"....even one friend recently said "BUT its the truth and I do not want to lie" I told her you do not have to lie, you just have to start focusing on the part of the truth you want to see. If you were made less sad, then that is closer to happy than to repeat that you were ever sad--see the change? The emotion is the same, but the way you choose to acknowledge it opens the pathway to more positive energy, which will bring more positive energy reality moments.

I have seen relationships healed and severed, and I have found something to be grateful for in each. I have witnessed it often in my life and I am convinced I am responsible for all that I see...simply by choosing how to see it. The energy surrounding the emotions are the creative force for the next thing, experience and or lesson.

Painting myself into a corner

It's always good to ask ourselves why?

Why do we believe the way we do-
Why do we refuse to change what is not working-
Why do we allow others to hurt or continue damage in our lives-
Why do we fear that which could bring us peace-

My lesson for today is to not accept anything as status quo. If anything is feeling troublesome, making me anxious or just irritating me, it's time to ask myself why.

When we do accept it as our lot in life, the pain we deserve or accept that we are being punished,we then decide and choose what we have always done and we choose to stay stuck in our yesterdays.

Think of it like this...always picking the same thing is like painting yourself into a corner...because that's how you have always painted the floor.

Many years ago my mentor made a suggestion, he felt like I was holding on to too many "but I have always dones" and it was time to break some of those routine actions, thoughts and beliefs to help me move forward a bit more in my life class.

It was amazing! Things as simple as how I brushed my teeth and changing which hand I used and which side I started on to the time of day I brushed them started opening up little cracks in the hard line brain function.

I began to question so many of my habits and why I had them. I started to see how so much of my programming was not even from some conscious decision but rather some part of a tape I never remember recording. It was like getting a ctrl/alt/delete to my hard drive.

It was a simple exercise that I started applying to all areas of my life. I then was listening to a speaker and he relayed story about trapping ourselves by our repetitive thoughts and behaviors. I started thinking about changing more and more and felt as if I was growing by leaps and bounds. I began to put aside all the things I thought I was sure of and reexamine all those beliefs until I could find the answers for me and my life path. It was an altering like no other thing in my life had ever brought. I could literally feel changes happening in my happiness levels, my ability to feel joy and most importantly could open my mind to understand so much more about universal forces and the real workings of life.

I won't tell you it was easy, in fact it was one of the hardest times in my life. It also sent me down a path that brought much more heart ache and losses. But no thing ever taken away ever leaves a space not filled. It allowed spaces in my heart, my thoughts and my beliefs to be filled with things that rang true for me...not just what others told me. It allowed me to develop a type of lie detector. For some reason when you go searching for your personal answers and reconcile so many of the unanswered things, life kinda gives you gifts in return.

The gift of insight. I can often see a decision and the outcome almost at the same time. It removes the anxiety because there is a knowing and even if I am not sure I have also learned that no problem comes to us without their being an answer or skills to deal with the changes the upset it brings.

The gift of honesty. One of my most favorites is not only being able to live within honesty, it gives me an uncanny sense that helps me discern the honesty in other situations. My red flags go off and while I may never be sure, many times the truth is revealed and I get to see how close to right my instincts were.

The loss of fear. This is a big gift! If you don't think fear can be a damaging fact of life, just try and think of one or more things that makes you feel fearful. How many times to you sit and find a worry spot over something that might happen, but often it doesn't. Likewise how many times have you used your fearful thoughts to help create the thing you most feared would happen. This is not some strange occurrence. We are each capable with our thoughts to help bring about situations in our lives that give us opportunities to choose the path we want. We can help these things along with joy or fear...whichever we choose. Losing fear means that one understands the frailness of life, and all the things that can go wrong, but instead of allowing fear to direct my life and my thoughts I seek to see the good in all things even to some degree losing the words right and wrong, good or bad and just relying on being in the now and what is, is what is. It holds no connotation. Everything is just and opportunity to solve the next puzzle, enjoy the next adventure and come to the understanding that this human life has an expiration date. The end.

Finally the loss of regrets. Finding that each situation in my life was in some way created by me, for me, allows me to always see that I could have made better choices. I am able at any given moment to step away from someone creating harm or drama in my life, and say this is not for me. This lesson has already been learned and I choose to step away while you play in it all you want. I do not make the choice with anger or any emotion. It is simply my decision to find peace, even if I have to move in a direction those who do not see the value in this lifestyle cannot or will not follow.

Life was not designed to be a path of temptations, tribulations and trials. It was meant to give us the opportunity to be fully alive and seek the path of happy, joyful, loving moments. Understanding that our choices can bring the other stuff, but giving it no more credence than any of the other emotions, it just a momentary change in our emotional state and does not have to be a life long suffering, if we recognize it, feel it, understand how we helped to create it and then find the path away from it and back to our heart smile.

Getting out in front of our pains and problems is not magic, although it can sometimes feel a bit like it is. It simply means that when you are faced with any choice you do a bit of self awareness...ask a few questions and then move forward. You get to decide what those questions are, and how you answer them. I could give you my list, but then, they are the questions that work for me. They have come to be my math questions to get the answers that I want in life. Do all the choices I am making life = Peace-Joy-Happy and if not...what can I choose instead so my answer it what I want?

There is no have-to in this process. The truth of it is as I see it that when the last breath has left your physical self you will get all the answers. You will be able to see the choices, learn from the pain and see another way to paint your floor. You will wake up in the spiritual ever after and say one of two things..."Well shoot--that could have gone better" or "So glad I figured that all out". Either way God Lives through us as us...quoting Eat,Pray,Love. I believe this to be true because I feel the presence daily, and I found a better way to paint my floor.