I get up and write. I usually find that there is something waiting to be released in black and white. It never is easy to say the hard stuff. To find a way to be so radically honest with self and others that it not only diffuses the pain, it begins the healing all in one simple blog~erapy session.
I honestly don't know how I could have ever grown so much if it were not for this little writing exercise that moves me past the hurts.
This time it is not so much about pain as the absence of it. I volunteer, to help, a lot, maybe even too much. But don't ask me if I am going to stop...because I won't. But I need to start adding a disclaimer with a few folks, so that help does not get translated into, yes please assume that I can do everything for you. And that you can read what I say I will do and read even what is not there, take it as your call to issue a plea of "no HELP" to others and get your way. You bet...but when it comes down to the end of the road, all you would have done is caused some to see you as a victim and the one you used as your perpetrator will only have to do a minimum of damage control to move past the drag through the mud.
I won't mention much more on this latest lesson, because it did not hurt a bit. I knew instantly when put on the spot what might take place. And not only was I ok with all that transpired, I got clearer picture of one person than I might have never gotten if I had just continued to do it all.
It's so freaking liberating to live a life that is not only based on honesty but wrapped tight in all that-that implies. It means that even though I want to keep the peace if you are bound to make it messy I will ride out the storm. I will not fight, point fingers or even wave a bit of drama. I may speak of the damage you tried to create to my friends, but I will not get stuck there. I also love that not only have I learned how to move past and away from those who live this fashion of life, I have learned how to love them anyway. I have grown so good at understanding that the others in our lives who behave less than stellar at any given point of our joint day, do it because of a feature of their personality and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I have learned that even when I make a mistake, miss a deadline or forget something all together, that none of the above is cause for end of the world ranting, or even worth anything more than a sincere apology and self forgiveness.
It is always in the intent. My intent was honorable, my remarks were honest, I took the steps required, to handle my obligations. Everything else is just something else.
One very amazing phone call was all about justification. Saying what was right for me without fear of retribution feels good. That doesn't mean that the other misguided vengeance tosser won't through it my way, it just means that even if they do, I will have moved past the point of contention and beyond their throwing arm. The words were well put together. The song I had heard oh so many times before. But damage and scar tissue had built up a shield of sorts to not only protect me from what was meant to be hurtful and aimed in my direction, it was as if I could see the BS-decoder stepped up and I could see all the brown stuff so clear, I cried and laughed all at the same time.
How is it that so many years ago someone came into my life to give me this gift? The gift that blesses me with as many exits as needed to allow for the best enterings ever.
This last week was about saying yes...and I did at all the right moments. This week was about saying no...even though I knew there would be a storm to follow. It was really more like a dust storm than a full on hurricane. Those type of storms are now mostly non existent in my life.
It is all pretty amazing that all this stuff took place in the same week. This next week starts now. In just a few hours the next few steps of a great new adventure will be part of my new normal. There are blessings beyond big, lessons less that large and opportunities opening doors at a rapid fire pace. I am laughing as I learn to run fast all over again.
I sat last night at an event, almost feeling as if I were invisible. I could see the enormity of my life. I caught visions of the most amazing moments that are just about to happen and it was as if those I was with have no clue or even desire to see me. Even just a few short months ago this would have made me sad. It would have made me incredibly down and pain filled. But not today, not this week. I know that I am tapping into my purpose. I know that each action step is leading to whatever that purpose is meant to be. I don't have to have all the answers, make everyone happy or even care when they strike out in my direction. I know it is all about providence...and that in itself is just a hint at what is about to come my way.
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