My friend Milton and me (he has nothing to do with this blog--I just think he is too cute not to post his picture--and his wife is my friend too).
But at one point the friendship started to turn in a different direction. There were comments and hints that some of the other people that I was friends with were less than desirable, that people that I worked with were not to be trusted and also many many little, big and even middle sized gifts that showed up for occassions or just because. Now to say that my life was in a mess would be the understatement of the century, and I accepted the help, gifts and friendships openly. I was in need of some TLC and those in question seemed ready to fill the bill. Because of some shennigans of the EX, I was even feeling the financial pressure to cancel a trip because the money was becoming too hard to come up with. But I was told by these friends, that they would help, and that I didn't need to worry about it. The strangest twist of all, many of those people that she did not approve of are now getting the hey you are my friend treatment--but were formerly on the don't trust them as far as I can throw them list...now who is the user?
I took them at their word, there was even a gift of $300 from one of the friends with no mention or conversation that it might be a loan--here I am giving you this to help with your divorce. You have to understand that the place that this change in my life had left me was lower than low. I had friends that were willing to help, or so I thought, and I felt blessed by these gifts.
As life often does though I regained my footing, began to become self-sufficient once again and when the gifts continued I became very uncomfortable. It was almost the same type of relationship that I was leaving in my divorce. I don't do well with ultimatums--giving or receiving. I also shy away from those who seem to think that everyone that they hate should automatically end up on my shiz list.
The new direction of my life and the understanding that I have the ability to chose how happy I am going to be, began to limit the interaction from those who seemed to be trying to gain the control buttons left unmanned by the exiting-ex. I began to feel more and more like I was being met with disapproval, and the icing on the cake came when one day I was eating lunch at the same time with someone that the "friends" disapproved of...now notice I am saying that we were eating at the same time--not going to lunch or other activity---but just because of the sharing of a lunch room we were eating together. It was not long before one of the now defunct trio came by and saw this treachery---how dare I have lunch with the enemy? And even shorter amount of time before my cell phone was ringing with a call from the off-site party wanting to know why I was having lunch with the object of her hatreds? First it took me a minute to figure out how she knew...pieces of a puzzle coming together. Then it took me a few more to understand what had just happened. I had been managed. I was being told in no uncertain terms that friends of hers do not do that. The next outing of the trio(me included) was awkward to say the least. The conversation lent itself several times to my trip to the dark side and how crazy I was for going there. This trip seemed to be all about recreational shopping, which is not really something I was up for, because it really meant there would just be more of those just because gifts that I did not really want. I was trying to stand on my own, rebuilding my life, my heart and my home. And to be bluntly honest I never have really cared for gifts with strings unless they happen to be kites.
So at the next few offers to hobble along on the rec-shopping excursions I politely said I don't really have the money to go shopping, and once again I was met with disapproval as well as cohersion to go anyway. I said no and that I was opting for a weekend with kids and grands. No offense, meant but some definitely taken. The next few phone calls, messages or emails that I sent, trying to talk about the issues, were unanswered and unwanted. So I let it lie, thinking that if either wanted to talk to me they would. Nothing...barely even a hello if I happen to see them in public. Now I don't want you to think this did any damage to me at all...it didn't. In the rebuilding of my life, I had found so many new friends and fun that there is hardly a day that goes by that there is not some fun thing to go do. I am home only cause I chose to be, not because I don't have options.
Come to find out, I am a pretty diverse, funny and happy person--that lots of people like--who knew? Not the ex-friends, or ex-ex or even those kids who seem to forget that they have a mom. But I am kinda popular--or extremely blessed, but either way I am happy!
It also was starting to grate on me that there was never any mention of the disapproval or change in me that others apparently were so crazy aware. It was the whole dysfunctional elephant in the middle of the room phenomenon that so many in 12 step programs have heard tell about. But the negative impact that this removal of friendships had on me was larger than I originally thought. First, the duo of compadres rarely ever spoke to me or interacted with me on facebook, email or text message---you do get that communication is two way right? I tried--with no response--for a few weeks...so I am thinking they don't want to talk. Ok--decision made, lake of response noted--I will leave it alone. But as time wears on their negativity still rubs me the wrong way. Then it is mentioned in a completely unrelated converstation that I have the right--no strike that responsiblity to limit those things in my life that do not add to it in a positive way!! WOW talk about an AHA moment. I decide that me not having to read their negative comments, or feel ignored when my messages are not acknowledged--I can delete their them from my friends. Sounds easy right? Well it was a battle within to get it done.
I did finally make the step only to be the recipient of a "hey something is wrong with my facebook" message--"you are not there". TADA---but that was not the end of it. That was only the pause before the email attack.
First--I was accused of being a user, that I no longer had use for her and she had been discarded.--the best part of the email---the only regret was that she didn't get back some baby clothes she had given to my daughter for my grand baby---she had wanted them back for her grand baby. Umm sorry no control nor concern about what someone does with a gift after its given....some more of those strings! She also mentioned that I was not being honest because I did not reply to her first message, that I was only trying to convince myself that I was happy on facebook and that she hoped that I really did love my life--but it seemed rather doubtful. Of course the last line was the best--hope you receive all you deserve---what the hell does that mean? See the negativity? Well if not it's only because you don't know her.
Since the divide between she and I has grown to grand canyon depth, I have also learned many things that were said about me, directed towards me when I thought of us as friends. She hated me, thought I was not a good fit for the job when I was hired, and had shared numerous times that I was not doing ANYTHING! How funny is that---I can remember they day that I went over to her darkside and was taken under her wing for lessons---it was a day that I was angry at one of her I-HATES(no relation to other i products)
I will tell you this, I am a little sad by where this relationship ended, I spent many hours defending her at our job and many hours trying to keep her from getting fired or quitting--which I ultimately failed at. I also have done lots of damage control because she continues to use half truths and inuendos to lay suspicion to our agency. She talks of honesty, but her opinion is the only one that matters. She talks of being fair but weilds a heavy handed and one-sided sword at anyone who does not agree with her.
I keep trying to understand how these types of relationships happen in my life and I think it mostly stems from not having a firm grasp on my direction--beliefs--maturity. I was a stunted adult struggling through years of a bad and abusive marriage left me damaged and not always able to see the forrest for the trees. I still have to remember to be a little synical from time to time and not to trust everything I am told.
At the end of the day, this is my side of the story. And I am sure her side would be completely different and if she feels like starting a blog to tell the story of my ex-friend Pammee--I wish all the best. I hope too she gets everthing that she deserves...except I really mean it.
I am not now nor will I ever achieve perfection, but I will not be one who is owned by relationships. I think that I can love those who are not a healthy influence on my life from here--letting them go and create havoc, ulcers and anger where ever they choose to flutter and fly. I can choose not to be angry or controlling or coniving...but I can also choose to not allow their negative energy impact my life. I can practice distance love and maintain my peace. It's not easy--I want to be around those I love---but sometimes I am just not strong enough to carry that ball and chain.
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