Whether you find your way in this life with traditional methods of help or if you are able to move past grief and loss with the help of amazing friends and one seriously wordy online venting diary, it makes little difference. Therapy works to move you past the past---and I am miles past it most days.
Its always there to remind me, I am almost 50. I don't have all the traditional things in place that should be getting me settled and ready for my retirement. I am alone...well not really but I am single. As I was reading some posts on facebook today, it was evident that I was having a moment of envy of those who seem to have gotten all they desired out of their first half of life. A good marriage, a good job-career,financial stability and roots that secure them to a great life.
I unfortunatley made some not so great choices with my decisions and also allowed someone else to direct some of the major paths that were all misguided, wrong turns and dead ends. There seems to be a movement or actually two on facebook that follows the opposite ends of a spectrum. One belief is that we should be able to use this media for whatever dissemination of information that we desire, no matter if it is completely accurate or even nearly fair. Others feel that we should only use if for the good stuff and leave the other hidden away for no one to see.
I really do not believe that censorship works, but I do understand both of these trains of thought. But before either is condenmed or appreciated, let me say this... We each have a right to our freedom of speech, but just the same you have the right to delete.
I do not agree that all that I believe or every thought that jumps into my head belongs on the social media broadcast system. But unfortunately not all those who are on my friends list and probably some that are also on yours have the same filtering system in place. They see the value of this media to be in the venting option. They should be able to share whatever bad news they choose. I agree in the right to share, but I don't always feel up to reading. I know too that while it is totally up to you to read or not to read....it does not upset me either way.
My blog has become my venting, but it is gauged by the distance of therapy others are so gracioulsy sharing with me as I move from the pain of a past path. A wrong way that was riddled with bad decisions has lead me to a life that not only honors my beliefs in fairness and honesty, but it also allows me to say I made mistakes. I trusted the wrong person, and it took me decades to become strong enough to step away.
Does that mean that I should rip him a new one everytime I become angry? No not really...but not for the reason you might think. The reason that I share only from my perspective is because that is all that I own. I allowed all that I experienced. I have no one to blame. I attracted and held to someone who never had my best interests at heart, does not make him right but certainly does not make me wrong either.
I have been very blessed over the last several years to have the greatest of teachers arrive as this student was ready to move away from a life not only half lived, but less than half successful. I don't shy away from the facts, and only occassionaly have envy for those who made better decisions. I have a deep faith that as I continue to move towards a life that is about understanding how it really works, good attracts more good....love attracts more love...well it goes on, but you get the gist right? I work on improving me, which in turn works to attract those who are more like me, and like the me I long to be.
I can remember a time when it took all I had to try to be happy, but now it comes pretty easy. Even when others seem to seek me to feel sorry or have sympathy for thier misfortune. I understand that it is their choice and paths they chose that lead them towards the life that they are living. I know too that at any moment they can choose to go a different way. To seek the high road. Now that does not always mean that their path with suddenly turn yellow and become the bricks that lead up to the Emerald City, but it does mean that they will begin to build a momentum that moves them toward more smiles and understanding. Every time we make a decision that is based in ego, revenge or any of those feelings that lead to harming others we set about making the fate our own as well. Understanding how we arrive at the destination also known as crapville will assure that we do not have to return. Blaming others for how we ended up where we are, makes it almost certain we will be living there for a long while. That does not mean that those who would take advantage of us, push us towards doing only what they want or guilting us into making the bad decisions are totally innocent. But when we get totally honest and real with ourselves, we have to find our resposnibiilty in the decisions also. Even giving someone else control does not remove your part in the disaster. It just means you chose to let someone else choose for you....it was still your choice.
I do not look for censorship, nor do I practice sympathy. I decide what I will read and share empathy when it is needed. I am here to help those who seek to find a better road to travel, and to work towards making up for my mistakes. I will never hold back when moments of venting that are about my experience...even if that means it makes someone mad, but I do not seek to harm nor create drama towards anyone, least of all those who created so much of it in my path in my past. I am happy, even when I am not smiling, because I get it. I know that my blog~erapy is helping me....and thats all I need to know.
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