It can be very hard to look back, especially when emotions take over and I have those moments where I miss someone or something from the past. But each and everyday where I decide to look back and understand or at least seek the lessons, I lose a little more of the fear of what might have been and find appreciation for what is.
I think for many years of my life I was caught up in the otta bees. I otta bee happier, I otta have this figured out by now, or the why do I gotta bee going through this again. Now here in this sentence is where the grammar police will choose to be offended and some might even stop reading. But I don't write for them, only for me. The slang and misspelled words are how I would say it if I were just talking to a friend across the table. For me it doesn't have to be about the grammar, the spelling or even whether it will make someone stop reading. For me it is about fleshing out those memories until there is nothing left but the bones of the story.
A place where I can feel the good parts and let the bad stuff go forever. If there ever was such a thing like forever. I was a former subscriber to the happily forever myth. I often felt like I was the only one working on that story at all. And the more I slipped into the fear of it not happening the more miserable my emotions would become and hold me hostage.
I had to come to the point of understanding the difference between love and attachment. The minute we tie our happiness to any one condition, person or outcome, we begin to slide towards and ultimate disappointment. It happened for me over and over again.
I have spent many a tirade, retelling and rehashing of said stories to try and find my sanity and justification. To no avail...because my story is not found it what was, it lies deeply in what is.
While sharing some things about me with a new friend today, I saw another piece of my healing as clear as if it had been written for me. I am not sure that I will ever be forever done with it, but I love it when it circles a little closer.
I made so many decisions in my young life based on avoiding what is, and looking for what might be. I made choices that were not only unhealthy they were based on an intent that was more about fixing my history and finding a fairy tale that being an equal partner.
It's hard to say...even harder to breathe it and not feel tears sting my face...but it is true. I was looking for a hero, a rescuer or a distraction. I was too young and too damaged to know that neither would bring me anything like permanent happiness or security. I stepped up to a new level of forgiveness today. A level at which there only sits one person. A place so high in understanding that when I look towards anything reflective I see me. A me of 30 years ago, bright eyed and full of hope for a person could come into my hell and love me enough to fix all the wrongs of my childhood. An escape hatch of a relationship that would let me slide right into adulthood without every paying the price of growing up.
Now if you are not a reader with any history behind you in blog~erapy, you are probably pretty lost right now, but just take it from me...today was HUGE in a life moment perspective.
Recently a friend sent me a message and said, "when I saw you today, you looked a little out of it". So wonderful how those true people in my life can see behind the smiles. I am not fooling them for a second, and it is only out of habit that my actions even head down that path. I am a recovering people pleaser, a peace keeper to avoid the drama of my past. I really do not have to do this anymore as many of those in my life have grown accustomed to my ultimate passion for being real. But occasionally out of habit I try to smile when I would rather cry. I hide behind what ever is keeping me busy so I don't have to sit down and write this. It's not really a wide open aloud kind of avoidance, its more like yeah I know, time to grow another level. But most of the time that means I have to let go of a little more blame, and send a little more forgiveness to me and anyone else on the blame train.
There have been many recent events that have helped in this ascension to a new level. The horrific acts of terror on those just out for a run in Boston. A fertilizer storage facility that was way to close for comfort, for those in the little town of West and now me every time I drive through there. It's hard to not get caught up in the looking over our shoulders. The moments where we are not sure who the person standing next to us in a crowd is or what they are capable of. Those moments of horror fill us with disbelief first, terror next, and slowly gratitude for the understanding of except for the grace of God, there go I.
I have had moments that scared the shit out of me in my life. The near drowning of my daughter, accidents that if had been a split second either way of the precise landing they were in could have been more tragic for myself and others. I have witnessed as the horrific diseases that consume our human bodies has slowly taken the life out of people that I love. All of these moments could have been something I might would have chosen to avoid.
The realization today is that as we make even the simplest of decisions, we need not stand and watch as life goes on, but we must grab awareness of each breath and know that we chose to stand and cheer on the runners, run to the heat of the flames or towards whatever destiny we selected for that moment. It matters not that we perish and stop our life experience rather it matters more that we showed up for as long as we were allowed to be here.
All of my mistakes are now renamed wisdom choices. For had I been wiser I might have chosen another path, but the wisdom I gained helps to justify the pain. I also know that when we let go of the fear of what might go wrong and breath in each second in its entirety for what it holds, we truly are living and adding to the human divine fabric of this life. I also have come to understand that when the exits come, I must have done all I can to be a part of this life. But on the other hand hold no attachment to it. When we become fearful of losing anything we take away from the moments we have to celebrate all that is. When we fear being left behind by anothers choices to move forward without us we tie ourselves to an anger that steals more than any eventual death could.
I do not share any of this to diminish the art of grieving. It is as natural emotion to miss a part of us that is no longer there as it was to love it in the first place. The skill and beauty of humanity comes when we can feel those emotions and then let them wash over us as they cleanse the moments of pain away. I do not discount for a second the sadness that can still wash over me when I miss my grandmother, my cousin or the many friends that I would wish were still here so that I could enjoy their stories, laughter and gifts to my life. But as they have transitioned past the reality that we shared, they are not longing to come back. They have accepted the temporary fact of their now completed life and they are in the next realm of consciousness and human experience. Its a hard lesson to get. For many of our emotional teachers would have us hang onto our fears and past as if we could ever find a real life there. The only real life is in this second. As no sooner have I typed the next word and it is over too.
No anger is justified if carried over joy. No pain is worth never feeling ok to be happy again. No lesson is worth tying our human experience to the misery that we feel obligated to hold onto.
It was a big day. I am 50 after all...and most would say I am a little behind the learning curve. But today feels like a graduation of sorts. I moved closer to being ok with all that has caused hurts in my past, excited to have a few moments to remember the joys and ecstatic of all that is yet to be mine to breath through.
Thanks to those who came to talk me through my lessons. Thanks to those who care enough to read and acknowledge my lessons. Thanks to Destiny, your name was so appropriate for today...and I am grateful for the love languages...it was a great day.
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