Forgiveness=release of persistent negative thoughts and feelings about oneself, others or events. It benefits the forgiver.
Forgiveness is not the acceptance of continued bad behavior. You are
responsible for your care and safety, emotional and physical. When someone
harms you, they have shown you who they are. Believe them. Thinking that
they are someone apart from their behavior is your poor behavior. ~Cynthia Ocelli
Seems as though there have been many recurring messages popping up on my page, in my conversations and even sometimes just in my thoughts. I can remember at points in my life believing that once you had gotten to the point in any disagreement, hurt or ending and you said "I forgive", that, that was that!
Not so, I now believe that sometimes the hurt is so big that it has to be taken apart similiar to the eating of an elephant analogy. It takes a decision to forgive each time those feelings that dont feel so good come up, and sometimes that takes a very long time, before those feelings are seperate and apart from the memory.
I have also come to understand that each of those moments, when someone that I cared about chose to create a memory that harmed me in my heart, soul or cellular memory, they were engraving that pain on all of us at such a deep level that the pain will take many forgivings to be released. Those moments of losing all trust, not just the trust given the offender. The damage that not only changes the way we will forever feel about the person creating the change, but it also alters the way we feel about others and ourselves.
This person could be anyone in our lives, but often we have to take a step back and see that the person really creating the damage is ourselves, well not creating necessarily but allowing for sure. This was a very hard pill of truth for me to swallow. There are millions of cliches' about the moments I am talking about, but the one that rings the truest has to be "we teach others how to treat us".
We forgive too quickly and too often, we allow repeat offenders to create the drama and harm that changes us forever. And while I would never condone bad behavior from a stranger, it is amazing to me that I tolerated it from someone I was with a major part of every day.
I have moved past most of those cellular deep feelings. They rarely ever see the light of day, but saying it took a long time to remove the anger, hurt and bitterness would be a bit of an understatement. I felt violated, unsure of my ability to judge character, timid to meet new people for fear of being hurt again.
It would also be the statement of the year that I no longer have that fear. Learning to forgive those who have chosen in the past to create damage and hurt with their lies, half-truths and manipulations was tough. It took years, but the biggest milestone of all to move past was learning to forgive me. Understanding that I was the real reason any of that pain happened hurt worse than any pain caused by others. I had on many occassions let myslelf down. I had chosen to allow people who were less than honorable to stay in my life and create more harm. I had never clearly defined the rules of engagement. Even though I had a clear understanding of what should be acceptable behavior, I had never understood that I had the right and ability to not only ask for it but demand it.
The changes in me are monumental. There is not only a clear understanding of what unacceptable behavior is, the change also includes my immediate ability to set someone straight or gone if their behavior keeps reminding me of a past I worked so hard to forgive me for. Please don't misunderstand...this is not a judgement of good or bad, right or wrong, happy or sad....this is a statement of fact for me. I know what I believe is good or bad for me, right or wrong for my heart, what makes me happy or sad. If your actions are reminding me of the me I dont want to be, you can be all but sure there will be a conversation that lets you know where those lines in the sand are drawn for me. I do not for minute want anyone to think that I am here to judge how you choose to behave. Don't even for a minute have nor want a clue as to what your mission statement is, or if you are busy building storms in your life or in the lives of others. Dont care, dont care, dont care....but you bring that hail storm over here and we are definitely going to be seeing a parting of the clouds.
I chose for myself. I accept the responsibility of this life...ALL OF IT. I decide what is ok, and what must go. I chose who I believe is living a life that honors those principles that create peace, harmony and joy. I dont want someone to think there are not second chances for those who might slip in an occasional offense, after all unless they are really into reading, they might not really know what all the rules are. But if we are being really honest most people who are living a life that is about respecting themselves and others that they care about, they don't really make those mistakes...even on accident. It is not in them to be rude or calous on accident. Not really a part of their behavior to try and manipulate the outcome of any interaction to get their way. They come to all human meetings with and openness and ability to see if for whatever it is. To gain from those moments the gift that was intended.
It was a tough thing to do...to get past all those realizations that the problem was always me. It was a big 'ol whooping on my pride...over and over again. But that is not to say there have been people that were building the bad stuff...they were. They are real people, real manipulators, canivers and takers. But I gave them a key...and I also took that sucker back!
Now knowing that I can chose, and set those behavior boundaries has brought on a whole new lifestyle. It seems that is has created a vacancy or vacumn that keeps getting filled in by the right people. They come into my life and immediately it is better and I am better for knowing them. I smile more than I ever knew I could, because each time I see them, talk to them or even just read what they post on facebook it is like getting a gift. There are no more of those moments that change the way I feel, unless you count the ways I feel blessed, cared for and appreciated.
I still see those people on the outskirts of this life. They do their little drive-bys from time to time. But it doesnt really do anything other than serve as a reminder that I have the ability to chose and the responsiblity to choose wisely. I can allow those storm creators a moment of my time here and there because they serve as a good reminder of where I came from..but they don't stay long, and are in some cases invited to leave. I have been told many things about myself, one that I still am a bit taken aback by...it is that I can be mean. That kinda makes me chuckle a bit now though...because that learned behavior of being abrupt and a bit sharp tounged had a purpose at one time. That me was a bit of a drama queen who even though said many times she didnt like the bad stuff, was a bit of a junkie. She thrived on sharing the bad stuff for the sympathy it gained her. Please don't fault her for the lessons she learned too well, and don't miss her because on most days she is long gone. But join me in feeling a bit grateful that she showed up to protect me the only way she knew how. I also feel that although she is not the main personality that I play today, she can at a moments notice show up to give someone their eviction notice if needed.
“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.” –Ann Landers
borrowed from Quotes that Inspire
Like I said the messages keep showing up, sometimes over and over agian in the same day. Saying almost the exact same thing--but using different words. I love that I keep getting the messages, am also a bit amused that I need to hear it, read it, say it more than once...but that kind of stuff isnt creating harm...it just helps me see that those feelings are all but gone. I remember, but I dont feel the memory. I have forgiven, the offender and me. I have handed out the eviction notices to those who cannot or will not respect my ground rules.
The most amazing thing is, that since I realized so much of what I just wrote, the people who show up really do. They have a similar set of rules and no conversation even has to take place. We are instantly sure of each other and our time together is going to be a benefit not only for ourselves but probably a few others...cause its just who we are and what we are about. I kinda like us...no I really like us, because there is no need for any forgiveness when we are done. We simply gain from our moments...and you so gotta love that!
No comments:
Post a Comment