Navigating the next chapters in life

The angry I want to share my stuff with the world posts are long since gone. They have not even been something I have wanted to reread much here lately, because it seems as though that part of my life was a book that I have closed. If you were not a reader of the first pages of Blogging that happened on this blog or the first one, you may have no clue about how all this writing came about, but it was in reaction to the last time someone tried to silence me. To keep me from talking about the injustice I felt being a vicitim of their so wrong and mean actions. I spoke up for myself, and in one moment turned my life in a direction that has been nothing short of spectacular since.

I learned many lessons, and understand so much more of the path, decisions and missteps that lead me to that moment of change. I don't have to relive it anymore, because I know I don't ever have to go that route again.

But learning to navigate this new direction, adding the new chapters well thats just been pure fun.

I don't worry much about making people angry anymore. Seldom ever question my decisions. And most importantly understand that the fear that someone might not like me is not only irrational, it has nothing to do with any aspect of real life.

I also remember several years ago when I found myself in a networking group, reaching out to business owners about my agency, and how ill prepared I was for the "Im in a room of people I don't know terror". I don't really remember being afraid, but I must have had the deer in the headlight look, because the facilitator of that meeting came over and introduced herself. She said "Hi, I'm Tamara, what's your name?" That lead to a very short conversation where I think I told her I was new to my job, new to networking and a little nervous about what I was supposed to do. This amazing and so confident new friend stepped right up gave me some amazing words of encouragement and I never looked back. I have always remembered the impact she made on my life...how she made me feel so different about people I didn't know, but mostly how she made me feel different about myself.

So often I hear people express their fear of being in that very situation and how they cannot do it, or how they handle it badly. And I wish so often that I could be the one that not only would say something as encouraging as my friend Tam did, but also that they would hear it and receive it so it could be the change for them that she made for me that day.

I won't tell you that at some moments of my life I may still feel that twinge of fear as I walk into a new group, almost completely sure that I won't know a single person in the room. But if I do it is momentary and it is soon replaced by a stack of new cards, or notes with facebook ads or fast and furious additions on my cell phone.

I don't remember word for word what she said that day...but I got the message. So here goes...and after you read this you can never again use these phrases--it is forbidden and you are at the moment in your life where it will change for you.

1) I don't know anyone they are all strangers.
NEW THOUGHT~I came into this world not knowing a soul...even my mom was a stranger. Along my path there have been friends, best friends, family, acquaintances, and the UGH catagory of people. But a stranger is only someone who hasn't been given the chance to be a friend yet. That's all--we could even give these people we don't know a new title...so we can move past the connotation of "STRANGER" danger. So here goes...my word for people I don't know yet is pre-friend. Now you pick yours. Take the word stranger out of your vocabulary forever.

2) I feel fear when I am in those situations.
NEW THOUGHT~Feelings are not facts. Usually more often than not they are a cellular memory of some other moment in our lives that relates to the thoughts we are thinking about our current situation. But that moment and this have absolutely nothing to do with each other. So we need to walk into new situations with a disconnect from the past. Nothing bad has ever happened, this is totally new experience, and I am going to gain something out of each activity that I invest in. I am going to learn something from at least one person in this room. I am going to be able to help one or more of them too. I am going to go home with at least one new friend to add on facebook or on my cell texting list. I am going to try to smile, laugh and share a bit of myself so that this opportunity in my life becomes a memory and is a credit and not just a debit on my life account of minutes.

3) Someone here might not like me.
NEW THOUGHT~Ok, sorry but that's just dumb (speaking to me as well as you) Why would someone not like you? Why would it ever occur to me or you to even worry about that? Really? So what if they don't? Do you have people that for whatever reason you don't like? If so does it really bother them? If not how lucky are you?? You have learned to look and find something that you like in every person that you meet and you may have just outgrown your therapy and mine. We are all here because we are valued. We are all children of this universe and have a purpose, passion and possiblity of creating so much good in our lives and the lives of others. We are not anything less than a walking, talking, breathing miracle and it's time we see our selves as such. And if that is a hard leap, think about someone that you think is all of the above and ask them what they think of you.

4) What if I say something dumb.
NEW THOUGHT~Well this topic can go one of two ways. You can walk into a room and share something dumb so it is out of the way, or you can go up to your first pre-friend and say "I might say something dumb while we are talking, but please don't think bad of me---I can be somewhat goofy from time to time". From there talk about what matters, if it's a business related event...talk about what you love about your job, services or people you work with. Talk about how being employed with your company has changed you personally, whether its with confidence, awards or promotions. Don't worry that you are bragging, it't not bragging if it's true and everyone loves doing business with a company that builds up and encourages their employees. You are sharing how your company is not just about making money. If it's a personal event--ask questions about your newest pre-friend and see if you can get a glimpse of why you like the adventure you will share as you become better friends, close friends or even BFF's!!

5) What if I don't make any great connections, get new business or have fun?
NEW THOUGHT~How about we try to take the outcome expectations out of the thought process for a bit? So you are smart, you know that in your job, life or whatever you are out and about doing that people are going to be able to help, collaborate or participate in the next thing. It could be a sales event, fundraiser or party. Whatever it is, it will be what it is supposed to be. All you need to worry about is being present in your life, being real, and being able to say that when you wrote this check on your life account of minutes it was not a waste. Also we have come somewhat to believe in the drive-through society and we need to stop it. NOW!! Just because we can drive up and talk to a little box, tell it what we want, go to the next window and exchange a bit of our money for it, and have very little interaction with the human that cooked it, microed it, or even did something unmentionable to it...we have to stop thinking about every moment of our life is a three-to-fifteen minute drive thru experience. That's not to say that fast events, or quick unplanned connecting is not a good or God thing, we just need to quit thinking as if we need to have the burger at the end. Each moment that we invest in taking pre-friends to the next level we are making connections that may not pay off for years...but that does not mean they were a waste.

Ok--so there are 5 Old to New thought transitions. I challenge you to try one or all of the above. I also challenge you to challenge your fear of anything. You can do it with the "What't the worst that can happen" game. You can do it with "What am I really afraid of?" exercise. You can take all the pre-friends you find today and simply say hello or move them to the next level. But I ask you to think of one person in your life that you simply could not imagine living without. Think about how you feel when you talk to them, or cry on their shoulder or if you are the shoulder for them. What would your life be like had you never taken that pre-friend to the next level? What if that group of new pre-friends is holding someone just as wonderful as your best friend? I don't think you can ever have enough friends...because each of them brings something new, different or even challenging to your life. But it's the spending of those moments and the gathering of those experiences that make a life. It assures all of us that time shared is time well spent.

I cannot finish this without telling you one more thing. Just because someone made the transition from pre-friend to friend does not mean that they will always be there. Sometimes we outgrow our friends, sometimes they pick a direction or behavior that causes us distress. Sometimes it was just never a great match anyway. But all connections can add value...if nothing else giving us the opportunity to set valid boundaries and help us understand that pre-friend, to friend to un-friend can happen and it's not the end of the world. I also understand that sometimes I am going to have the opportunity to be a friend to someone who may or may not understand the value I put on my relationships. It may also be true that they don't see people or life in the same way as I do. It may also be that some of their actions become so disturbing that I remove them from direct access until I can be strong enough to help them, or they become wise enough not to abuse others I care about. I don't really like those opportunities to de-select, but I love the peace that follows. I don't diminish or devalue anyone, but they can choose if they are an asset or a liability in the lives they touch just as I can. I hope to always be an asset...but understand if you decide you don't see me as such. I hold all my friends in their place, but I also let them move away if they need to go out and find a path that does not cross mine. They may be traveling down drama drive, heartache alley or it's not fair avenue...and they won't see me in any of those places. And they won't see me in the cause damage in my life drive thru either. I am busy navigating the paths that lead to fun, sharing and taking friends to the next level. Becuase I am writing the checks on my life account...and I am spending my minutes wisely. Expending those that will have the most value, that will add to the rest of my life...not take away from what is already gone and was good about the past.

I love that I have a place where I can share my thoughts, and I appreciate more those who give feedback on the ramblings that are the result. I know I have talked much about the healing process for me from the life before, and I am grateful for each step I make forward...keeping in mind the old two steps forward one step back philosophy.

Truth of the matter is, that since I made some very hard decisions just a few short years ago, I haven't really experienced a true step back. It's all been a forward motion, maybe a side step here and there, but merely a pause before moving on.

Recently in a facebook post I shared about an experience that as I recall there were moments I did not feel like I would recover. If there have ever been times that I thought I might just slip right over that proverbial edge and never come back, this life experience would have definitely been one of those times.

As I shared about this heartbreaking tragedy on my daily connections to my facebook family, someone noticed and wanted to share the story with a different audience. I agreed, I shared, and I cried a little. But the biggest thing I remember about the whole event were those who came to help. Those whose words and gifts now make me smile and understand that the lesson for me was gratitude for family and friends. Appreciation for a great community not unlike the one I live in now. And for the healing grace of time. If you have desire to read about one of my darkest nights and the days full of light and love that came after, check out the article written by my friend Monica...in our local paper...

http://www.cleburnetimesreview.com/local/x1750828661/Helping-hands

I am so excited!!

Why you may ask? Well it's Monday, I am working on several things that I feel are going to come together this week and the excitment has me all giddy and one of my friends and aspiring authors who attended our get published workshop, just got her first short story published!!

http://networkedblogs.com/svpQR

Yep...It's Monday, hang on!!

A new life 4 me

So over the last couple of years, I started blogging. Some of the earlier incarnations of this desire to share my thoughts were somewhat directed at vent-erapy, but lets just say we have moved on from there.

I no longer feel the need, nor do I see that it ever served any purpose to call someone out on their misbehavior. I was however blamed, threatened and deleted for a time for saying all I had to say.

It's all ok, I get that many will never GET what it is that I went through. Nor do they really hear me when I saw I take responsibility in my part of all of the past. I either made the decisions or allowed someone else to do it for me...therefore ended up right where I directed/dodged myself to be.

Life is so wonderful now....my kids are amazing. My grands are just two of the most perfect little girls the world hase ever seen---NO REALLY!! And I am moving forward moment by moments. The smiles are so many that often my cheeks hurt. The laughs are so real that many times I can't even explain to you how humorous my friends transform the simpliest of moments. to say I am following my bliss is not quiet acurate, I am helping to create it. With each decision to eliminate that which does not honor me or others in my life, the desire to seek only to do no harm, and the work to achieve all the goals that I have carried for so long.

One by one they are being checked off the list...this BIGGEST Year ever has several, and as we move forward I hope you will come along for the ride if you are so inclined...check out my other blog http://a-new-life-4-me.blogspot.com
and tell me what you think. Leave comments, share me with your friends and as always thank you sincerely~~for the gifts you have given so graciously--you are all a part of the reason I smile unitl it hurts and why there is a NEW LIFE 4 ME!!

I am the LIVING PROOF...and I have learned how to smile!

It's just a little gumption...

I used to worry that someone might not like me, then I decided what other people think of me is none of my business. I used to think I would die if you stopped loving me, then I realized only people who love themselves truely know how to love others. I used to fear that someday I would be alone, and then I discovered how wonderful alone time can be. Now that I have learned these important lessons, I am ready for the next adventures in life. Friends that appreciate, love and care for me because they can. People who work as hard at making me better as they do the world. Unselfish hearts that love without concern for the return. Life can be made better not only for the things that are added to it, but often for the things that are taken away. Facebook post 12/30/11

The number of important people in my life is way up there in the triple digits. I cannot even tell you how many moments that have come and gone where I might not have been able to keep it all together had it not been for some amazing hearts.

I feel blessed everyday when I get a call, message or visit from these people. They are the most wonderful expressions of humaness and they all share my reality. I am in awe of how great their love is for me and for the world...it is the thing that songs are written about, stories retold of and movies inspired by.

It's hard to tell about each one---but the first person to ever tell me to disregard the opinion of self that came from others, probably saved my sanity. I had spent so much of my young life seeking approval, that I didnt even know when I had an original thought. She was Dorothy, but she will always be Mimi to me. She told me things often to stop my pity parties because they served no useful purpose. I thought I was supposed to feel every emotion, and learning that I could choose the ones to hang onto was also part of her lessons. She listened to me as I would cry and tell her of this injustice or that hardship, and then she would spout some wisdom like--"you know Pam the world doesn't revolve around you" or " You have 5 minutes on that pity pot and then it is time to get up and give some else a turn" and my favorite--"its really none of your business what other people think of you". Yeah truer words were never spoken.

I have also been told that I love too hard---that I committ my heart to people who often don't deserve it. And I believe that in the past that might have been true, but I have learned to look for the love that flows both ways. I also know that my love for others was not wasted. Even if they chose to turn away and not love me back...it doesn't take away from my belief that everyone deserves to have someone in this world that says I love you "unconditionally". I don't mind being that person for many in my life. Even when that love leaves me wounded, I can say that I gave as much as there was to give. The funny thing is that all of those who have stabbed me in the back, turned away and left me to find better or took advantage of my heart taught me more than I could have ever asked for...because they taught me to love without requirements. They also taught me that I can love the most difficult people and still set them far enough out of my circle that they can feel my love, but I don't have to feel their pain.

I have hung onto relationships because of that fear or maybe because of the love, but a friendship or relationship can grow cold and lonely when there is only one person standing up for the hearts. I know that for me I am the sum total of all my experiences, and that some of those have been horrible. I also know that as I retell my story that I can work on just remembering the good. Knowing that there was enough bad is all I need to do, I don't have to relive it unless it has relevance for someone else. I also have learned to let go...in a healthy and inspired way. I can love you whether you love me or not....and want you to know that when those thoughts of me cross your mind it is because I am sending you light and love.

I have watched as my new found strength and self confidence has angered those who were used to the nice me. And while I still believe myself to be nice, I have learned that being nice to me means more than any other good stuff I do in this world. If I don't practice self-care all the relationships in the world will not make up for the damage some misguided souls can do in ones life. I don't really think they are bad people...they just don't mind doing bad things. I have also come to understand that with each decision to limit the access of this life to those who would soil it, means that I open doors and pathways for good to find its way in. And to say that good people have made their way to my life is an understatement. I have to work more these days understanding how I could be worthy of so much good. The gifts of friendship that they share, the love that is given freely and in abundance, the moments where the part that I play in their life is celebrated, feels like nothing I can even remember in my previous life.

I think when someone tells the truth, they add a piece to the armour that protects us from the meaness in the world. Their words resonate with our soul as beautifully as if they were a song. They rebuild those pieces of us that have been damaged by those who don't know truth and don't understand its power and gifts. Likewise I think that when someone lies, they bring a virus to our hearts. A group of spiritual germs that eat away at us because we can feel the illness of the untruth. And the infection spreads and creates tears and physical pain when the lie is revealed. It is as if it were an erupting sore, gross and needing to be lanced and cleansed. When we take back those stolen truths and begin to heal there will still be the scars of those who created the wounds of lies. But we will only have to remember them when we need to.

I have written often of my Tim...there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him. Our relationship was one of lessons, laughter and love. He guided me through parts of this life that I was not sure I would survive. I have known hurt that was so big it felt as if it would crush me. I always knew he was there when I needed to hear that cajun twang and feel real love. He never asked anything of me, but gave always to my growing up. His wisdom was big...and I ate it up ever chance I had. When he left this world, he left a really big hole that I have had trouble filling.

I cannot even understand all the gifts that have come through family. The five kids who love me unconditionally, the grands that Gimmee' me to happiness. The extended family that supported the tragic and rollercoaster life that was my youth. The storm was big, but they always found a way to make it better. I can remember one time that I had called and talked to my grandmother and although when she was asking how we were and I just kept saying ok, she could hear that there was trouble and a few days later a sweet letter came in the mail with support, words of encouragement and love. I really miss my mamaw too.

The holidays have always been a very tough time for me...until a few years ago when the lesson at hand was to take the commercial gifting obsession out of the celebration. It was tough year, I had loaned my Christmas money and it had not found its way back....hasn't made its way back yet. In turn I was gifted money from friends....and one day I will be able to gift it back. But the holiday came off without a hitch. It was beyond lovely and to this day is one of my most favorite Thanksgiving, Christmas seasons yet. This year was right up there also...actually each year since the lesson has been amazing.

I guess all these lessons are pretty much what everyone gets to learn. My life has not really been all that special...but I have enjoyed living it just the same. I would not take a minute of it back. Not those times when someones love was so big I could feel it as if it were tangible and in the room. Each of those moments when I realized that someone had grown to hate me for my mistakes or just who I am, and I began to understand that there would be another person I would have to add to my light and love list. To those moments when some would take so much away from me that I felt as if there were holes in my soul. I would still have chose to live...each and every moment.

The most favorite moments are when the gumption takes over and I am very honest with others. Even if it is in an indirect way. I can let you know that you crossed a line that has my boundary alarm going off. I can still allow you to behave however you choose, it is not for me to correct, change or control. But sometimes just a word in the right direction can let someone who is open to knowing the truth to get a glimpse of how their harshness, opinions or carelessness might have hurt others. Maybe they will get the hint, and maybe they will delete me from their facebook. Maybe they will learn forgiveness or maybe they will be locked forever in their rightness. I would reather be kind that right, honest than too kind, and forgiving instead of angry. But those are my choices...to make, to treasure, to share. I have learned lots of lessons in this life...and am thankful for all the additions and understanding of the subtractions.

If I were asked today, still I would have chosen to LIVE, every second, crying each tear, bearing each child, hurting each pain--skipping not a second

As I share this the tears are falling down my face. Each of us has a reason we are here. Each of us has a cross to bear. Each of us has a light to share. It is our choice whether we will be angry and ask Why me? or be glad for the lessons and ask Why not me? Even with every hardship, pain, love, hurt, joy and celebration...I would have chosen to LIVE. I would have said YES let me walk among those who have graced my LIFE~~I will live each moment I have, give all that I am to what is before me, and love every one, even those who don't know how to love me back. Thank you for this LIFE...each and every second of it!

I share this video as she shares with those she knows, and the world that her life has turned...but if asked she would still say "I choose life, and all that means".