Lessons I remember...from not so long ago...

I see progress, I see growth, I see a happier more well adjusted me. I see that my steps to grow past pain and hurt were not only the right steps for me, they were what I needed to get where I am going. It's hard to admit when someone, something, some job that you love is holding you back. The hangup that you have for moving past it takes you out of commission, even though you are still very busy getting things done. It blinds you to the tears and sadness you feel becuase the busy work ties up your hands with the day to day grind. I love reading back through my blog~erapy. I love knowing that all those nights when I was upset and could not find the words, my fingers could not only find them but they left them for me to see later. I appreciate so much that I have grown past the point where I see good bye to anything as a bad thing. Life is not about getting to a place for me anymore. It is about appreciating each second and understanding that the growing pains are as much a part of who I am to become as the smiles, fun and joy. I don't really have alot of lessons these days. I seem to glide through one rough patch right up to the next, fully aware that the decisions I make for myself will not only be right on, the ones from the past have been also. No matter whether I was deciding to let someone else decide or choosing to let hurts build and hurt me...it was all what I had to tackle to get to here. I also love recognizing the lessons when they show up for others. While they only serve as a reminder to me...I see how hard some struggle with the way life really works. So here a few of the biggies, that are zipping around my reality... GOSSIP~we are all guilty, it's kind of like one of those human traits that really is tough to understand. I tend to think it was a tool learned to share information, especially before the written word...and way before blogging. Sharing information has some how gotten a bit sidetracked though if it's landing in the gossip column. In Webster's it is both a noun and verb, but for our purposes we are going to tackle the verb first. "Gossip" the sharing of intimate deatails about someone. Ok...that in itself does not really explain what it is I am getting at...so lets say it like this. You know something about someone--you yourself only know it as second hand knowledge. In other words, you heard it from someone and you can neither prove it to be fact or even discern the origin of the information. Now here comes the tricky part---if the information is hurtful, maybe untrue, or even better none of your damn business...but you share it anyway, you have just renamed yourself the noun--GOSSIP.

I love this quote... "Before you speak, think -Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind? Will it hurt anyone? Will it improve on the silence?" – Sri Sathya Sai Baba Now I am not here to tell you that I am innocent...like I said before I think we are all guilty of this at one point or another. But recently I saw the ugly face of gossip and I witnessed the most heroic act of putting it to bed. Call the person it was about. Now it goes without saying that the person who repeated the illfated information was not at all happy about the sharing of information with the person it was aimed at, but honestly I thought it was the gutsiest move I have seen in like forever. I hate gossip, hearing it, believing it, sharing it...I have learned the hard way to turn the other cheek and deafen the my ears to it. I am honestly telling you that when the whole situation came to light....the gossip was not true. It simply was something that was hurtful and perpetuated by a long standing rivalry. Why the two at the center of the storm are involved I can't for sure tell you. I am pretty sure that at some point or another someone got their feelings hurt. Please don't get me wrong I am not here to judge whether the pain is unfounded or even warranted. But I can tell you this....for those who are still hanging on to it...um might be time to find a new hobby. But the person who is upset now, really has no reason to be. Regardless of why you were sharing the "gossip" it was not true. Whether you like the person or you don't, it was not true. It is completely irrelavant on all fronts because you were wrong to share something that you only "heard" someone say, AND IT WAS NOT TRUE---this makes you WRONG---- period. I have also learned to hear not only the words people say but to feel the intent behind them. This little skill has paid me well. I can feel when someone is a little off center, when their words ring hollow and when I should not invest my heart, time or energy into the conversation or the person. I do not say that in judgement...only as it pertains to fact. It is a fact that someone who is not convicted in the story that they tell because they know it to be true, will stretch their words to create what is is their mind wishes to see. Think about how at anytime an innocent hug, a friendly kiss or any other action that you shared in the best of intentions was twisted to something dirty, innappropriate or wrong. How did that feel? I recently had a conversation with a very special person...I like this human beyond reason...because I have never seen an action, decision or choice be anything but something to bring smiles. This person shared with me that the "GOSSIPS" about town had started stories that were hurtful, slanderous and untrue. Now, here is where the tough part comes in...I participated in one of those conversations myself...I will not defend what I did---and I did know it was not a good thing to do. Now as I write this I know that an apology is owed and will be delivered...because I too was involved in the gossip. I did not verify the story before I shared it with someone else. I am ashamed...but I learned my lesson...and can promise you it won't happen again. Because now I know--first it wasn't necessary...and well could not pass any part of the test above. Now that we have tackled the G-word, the next one is LIAR. Definition -please--: a person who tells lies. So---it was innocent enough, I had been involved in an online conversation. One that did not exactly have all the information needed to decide what steps to follow. After I followed up and found out about the missing information I received, I decided I needed to clarify my guidelines and made a very polite, private request for future reference. I did not call the person out, create any drama--well not intentionally anyway. I simply said what I said and did what I did. End of story--right? I mean really we all have the right, responsibility and reason to ask for that which we need, expect and desire out of our personal, professional and public relationships...RIGHT? Well aparently that is only if you are dealing with someone...or the someones who come to the table with honesty in their pocket as well. I have often shared in my blog~erapy and in LIFE that I don't always believe that first impressions are always right...but dang it sometimes they ring true. I have also said that I do not hold grudges, but if you show yourself to be a practicer of certain behaviors, I will forgive and forget that we have anything to talk about. Especially if what you shared was a lie, directed at me. Now this is where it gets really interesting...the same call it out and like it is person, is also the one that called bull - shine on this one too. She was confronted, defended me and then got to the bottom of it all with me involved. I HEART her! So, in this one little two act play, I not only found out I was right about one person, but I also discovered a truth about another...oh and heres a bit of interesting info for you, this person is involved in the gossip story too! Hmmm...curiouser and curiouser. “The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.” George Bernard Shaw So now I can do one of two things, or do nothing, but nothing I do will take away from the fact that I know there have been lies told and feelings hurt. And to be as blunt as I can...none of it served any real purpose, other than the original intent of those involved to hurt others. That part they did pretty good. JUDGE-to form an estimate or evaluation of; especially: to form a negative opinion about

So, if you feel like you are ready to move past the past...here is what worked for me.

OK---working towards improvement means that the only job you have is to find the best feeling you can at any given moment. Sometimes that is baby steps, but it can be done. For example, if you are sad first acknowledge the feeling, but then follow it with the thought, but I am going to feel better. OR-I bet that this feeling is not the worst anyone has ever felt. OR-I can find a few things to feel better about. OR-I know I have wonderful friends who love and adore and support me and I am going to choose to feel better...even if it is just for a minute at a time.

So today, everytime you feel like your are being sucked down the drain of fear, regret or any other negative feeling--STOP! Look for one good feeling thought. Just one, that is easy, that you can think about every time you have STOP moment and you can smile when it takes over the space in your brain that is trying to keep you stuck in what is already gone. Then comment tomorrow and let me know if it helped!

We are all working towards improvement!

Navigating the next chapters in life

The angry I want to share my stuff with the world posts are long since gone. They have not even been something I have wanted to reread much here lately, because it seems as though that part of my life was a book that I have closed. If you were not a reader of the first pages of Blogging that happened on this blog or the first one, you may have no clue about how all this writing came about, but it was in reaction to the last time someone tried to silence me. To keep me from talking about the injustice I felt being a vicitim of their so wrong and mean actions. I spoke up for myself, and in one moment turned my life in a direction that has been nothing short of spectacular since.

I learned many lessons, and understand so much more of the path, decisions and missteps that lead me to that moment of change. I don't have to relive it anymore, because I know I don't ever have to go that route again.

But learning to navigate this new direction, adding the new chapters well thats just been pure fun.

I don't worry much about making people angry anymore. Seldom ever question my decisions. And most importantly understand that the fear that someone might not like me is not only irrational, it has nothing to do with any aspect of real life.

I also remember several years ago when I found myself in a networking group, reaching out to business owners about my agency, and how ill prepared I was for the "Im in a room of people I don't know terror". I don't really remember being afraid, but I must have had the deer in the headlight look, because the facilitator of that meeting came over and introduced herself. She said "Hi, I'm Tamara, what's your name?" That lead to a very short conversation where I think I told her I was new to my job, new to networking and a little nervous about what I was supposed to do. This amazing and so confident new friend stepped right up gave me some amazing words of encouragement and I never looked back. I have always remembered the impact she made on my life...how she made me feel so different about people I didn't know, but mostly how she made me feel different about myself.

So often I hear people express their fear of being in that very situation and how they cannot do it, or how they handle it badly. And I wish so often that I could be the one that not only would say something as encouraging as my friend Tam did, but also that they would hear it and receive it so it could be the change for them that she made for me that day.

I won't tell you that at some moments of my life I may still feel that twinge of fear as I walk into a new group, almost completely sure that I won't know a single person in the room. But if I do it is momentary and it is soon replaced by a stack of new cards, or notes with facebook ads or fast and furious additions on my cell phone.

I don't remember word for word what she said that day...but I got the message. So here goes...and after you read this you can never again use these phrases--it is forbidden and you are at the moment in your life where it will change for you.

1) I don't know anyone they are all strangers.
NEW THOUGHT~I came into this world not knowing a soul...even my mom was a stranger. Along my path there have been friends, best friends, family, acquaintances, and the UGH catagory of people. But a stranger is only someone who hasn't been given the chance to be a friend yet. That's all--we could even give these people we don't know a new title...so we can move past the connotation of "STRANGER" danger. So here goes...my word for people I don't know yet is pre-friend. Now you pick yours. Take the word stranger out of your vocabulary forever.

2) I feel fear when I am in those situations.
NEW THOUGHT~Feelings are not facts. Usually more often than not they are a cellular memory of some other moment in our lives that relates to the thoughts we are thinking about our current situation. But that moment and this have absolutely nothing to do with each other. So we need to walk into new situations with a disconnect from the past. Nothing bad has ever happened, this is totally new experience, and I am going to gain something out of each activity that I invest in. I am going to learn something from at least one person in this room. I am going to be able to help one or more of them too. I am going to go home with at least one new friend to add on facebook or on my cell texting list. I am going to try to smile, laugh and share a bit of myself so that this opportunity in my life becomes a memory and is a credit and not just a debit on my life account of minutes.

3) Someone here might not like me.
NEW THOUGHT~Ok, sorry but that's just dumb (speaking to me as well as you) Why would someone not like you? Why would it ever occur to me or you to even worry about that? Really? So what if they don't? Do you have people that for whatever reason you don't like? If so does it really bother them? If not how lucky are you?? You have learned to look and find something that you like in every person that you meet and you may have just outgrown your therapy and mine. We are all here because we are valued. We are all children of this universe and have a purpose, passion and possiblity of creating so much good in our lives and the lives of others. We are not anything less than a walking, talking, breathing miracle and it's time we see our selves as such. And if that is a hard leap, think about someone that you think is all of the above and ask them what they think of you.

4) What if I say something dumb.
NEW THOUGHT~Well this topic can go one of two ways. You can walk into a room and share something dumb so it is out of the way, or you can go up to your first pre-friend and say "I might say something dumb while we are talking, but please don't think bad of me---I can be somewhat goofy from time to time". From there talk about what matters, if it's a business related event...talk about what you love about your job, services or people you work with. Talk about how being employed with your company has changed you personally, whether its with confidence, awards or promotions. Don't worry that you are bragging, it't not bragging if it's true and everyone loves doing business with a company that builds up and encourages their employees. You are sharing how your company is not just about making money. If it's a personal event--ask questions about your newest pre-friend and see if you can get a glimpse of why you like the adventure you will share as you become better friends, close friends or even BFF's!!

5) What if I don't make any great connections, get new business or have fun?
NEW THOUGHT~How about we try to take the outcome expectations out of the thought process for a bit? So you are smart, you know that in your job, life or whatever you are out and about doing that people are going to be able to help, collaborate or participate in the next thing. It could be a sales event, fundraiser or party. Whatever it is, it will be what it is supposed to be. All you need to worry about is being present in your life, being real, and being able to say that when you wrote this check on your life account of minutes it was not a waste. Also we have come somewhat to believe in the drive-through society and we need to stop it. NOW!! Just because we can drive up and talk to a little box, tell it what we want, go to the next window and exchange a bit of our money for it, and have very little interaction with the human that cooked it, microed it, or even did something unmentionable to it...we have to stop thinking about every moment of our life is a three-to-fifteen minute drive thru experience. That's not to say that fast events, or quick unplanned connecting is not a good or God thing, we just need to quit thinking as if we need to have the burger at the end. Each moment that we invest in taking pre-friends to the next level we are making connections that may not pay off for years...but that does not mean they were a waste.

Ok--so there are 5 Old to New thought transitions. I challenge you to try one or all of the above. I also challenge you to challenge your fear of anything. You can do it with the "What't the worst that can happen" game. You can do it with "What am I really afraid of?" exercise. You can take all the pre-friends you find today and simply say hello or move them to the next level. But I ask you to think of one person in your life that you simply could not imagine living without. Think about how you feel when you talk to them, or cry on their shoulder or if you are the shoulder for them. What would your life be like had you never taken that pre-friend to the next level? What if that group of new pre-friends is holding someone just as wonderful as your best friend? I don't think you can ever have enough friends...because each of them brings something new, different or even challenging to your life. But it's the spending of those moments and the gathering of those experiences that make a life. It assures all of us that time shared is time well spent.

I cannot finish this without telling you one more thing. Just because someone made the transition from pre-friend to friend does not mean that they will always be there. Sometimes we outgrow our friends, sometimes they pick a direction or behavior that causes us distress. Sometimes it was just never a great match anyway. But all connections can add value...if nothing else giving us the opportunity to set valid boundaries and help us understand that pre-friend, to friend to un-friend can happen and it's not the end of the world. I also understand that sometimes I am going to have the opportunity to be a friend to someone who may or may not understand the value I put on my relationships. It may also be true that they don't see people or life in the same way as I do. It may also be that some of their actions become so disturbing that I remove them from direct access until I can be strong enough to help them, or they become wise enough not to abuse others I care about. I don't really like those opportunities to de-select, but I love the peace that follows. I don't diminish or devalue anyone, but they can choose if they are an asset or a liability in the lives they touch just as I can. I hope to always be an asset...but understand if you decide you don't see me as such. I hold all my friends in their place, but I also let them move away if they need to go out and find a path that does not cross mine. They may be traveling down drama drive, heartache alley or it's not fair avenue...and they won't see me in any of those places. And they won't see me in the cause damage in my life drive thru either. I am busy navigating the paths that lead to fun, sharing and taking friends to the next level. Becuase I am writing the checks on my life account...and I am spending my minutes wisely. Expending those that will have the most value, that will add to the rest of my life...not take away from what is already gone and was good about the past.

I love that I have a place where I can share my thoughts, and I appreciate more those who give feedback on the ramblings that are the result. I know I have talked much about the healing process for me from the life before, and I am grateful for each step I make forward...keeping in mind the old two steps forward one step back philosophy.

Truth of the matter is, that since I made some very hard decisions just a few short years ago, I haven't really experienced a true step back. It's all been a forward motion, maybe a side step here and there, but merely a pause before moving on.

Recently in a facebook post I shared about an experience that as I recall there were moments I did not feel like I would recover. If there have ever been times that I thought I might just slip right over that proverbial edge and never come back, this life experience would have definitely been one of those times.

As I shared about this heartbreaking tragedy on my daily connections to my facebook family, someone noticed and wanted to share the story with a different audience. I agreed, I shared, and I cried a little. But the biggest thing I remember about the whole event were those who came to help. Those whose words and gifts now make me smile and understand that the lesson for me was gratitude for family and friends. Appreciation for a great community not unlike the one I live in now. And for the healing grace of time. If you have desire to read about one of my darkest nights and the days full of light and love that came after, check out the article written by my friend Monica...in our local paper...

http://www.cleburnetimesreview.com/local/x1750828661/Helping-hands

I am so excited!!

Why you may ask? Well it's Monday, I am working on several things that I feel are going to come together this week and the excitment has me all giddy and one of my friends and aspiring authors who attended our get published workshop, just got her first short story published!!

http://networkedblogs.com/svpQR

Yep...It's Monday, hang on!!

A new life 4 me

So over the last couple of years, I started blogging. Some of the earlier incarnations of this desire to share my thoughts were somewhat directed at vent-erapy, but lets just say we have moved on from there.

I no longer feel the need, nor do I see that it ever served any purpose to call someone out on their misbehavior. I was however blamed, threatened and deleted for a time for saying all I had to say.

It's all ok, I get that many will never GET what it is that I went through. Nor do they really hear me when I saw I take responsibility in my part of all of the past. I either made the decisions or allowed someone else to do it for me...therefore ended up right where I directed/dodged myself to be.

Life is so wonderful now....my kids are amazing. My grands are just two of the most perfect little girls the world hase ever seen---NO REALLY!! And I am moving forward moment by moments. The smiles are so many that often my cheeks hurt. The laughs are so real that many times I can't even explain to you how humorous my friends transform the simpliest of moments. to say I am following my bliss is not quiet acurate, I am helping to create it. With each decision to eliminate that which does not honor me or others in my life, the desire to seek only to do no harm, and the work to achieve all the goals that I have carried for so long.

One by one they are being checked off the list...this BIGGEST Year ever has several, and as we move forward I hope you will come along for the ride if you are so inclined...check out my other blog http://a-new-life-4-me.blogspot.com
and tell me what you think. Leave comments, share me with your friends and as always thank you sincerely~~for the gifts you have given so graciously--you are all a part of the reason I smile unitl it hurts and why there is a NEW LIFE 4 ME!!

I am the LIVING PROOF...and I have learned how to smile!